Hello All,
I am new here and very encouraged by everything I've read so far. I wanted to introduce myself and tell you why I'm here.
I am a 41-year-old female with a 15-year history of problem drinking, which morphed into alcoholism and drug addiction about 5 years ago. I was always what they call a ?high-functioning alcoholic,? though, so that kept me in denial about the fact that I had a problem. I held down jobs, had committed relationships, earned two master?s degrees and a PhD, never got into legal trouble, etc. I was basically a weekend drinker. When a relationship of mine about 5 years ago was threatened by my drinking, I decided to try AA to see if that would help. I went faithfully to meetings several times a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps, saw a psychiatrist, etc. I have been in psychotherapy off and on for most of my adult life. Have been on a variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and have been diagnosed with various mental health problems, ranging from anxiety/depression to bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, Asperger?s, etc.
I turned to drugs after being in AA for a while, because I thought as long as I wasn?t drinking, I could handle it, and I wanted to self-medicate the dysphoria I was constantly suffering from. I tried pot, opiates, benzodiazepines, psychedelics, and when I finally discovered amphetamines and cocaine, I found my ultimate drug of choice. In spite of attempts to stay clean and sober in ?the program,? I could never put together more than a few months of abstinence. This was frustrating beyond belief, as I have always had a great deal of self-discipline and will power.
What was it that I wasn?t ?getting? about the program and the steps? Was I one of those ?constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?? Did I have such severe ?character defects? that I could not recover? Was I one of those who is so ?spiritually bankrupt? that I was just doomed to an alcoholic, drug-addicted death? This is what I began to believe about myself, and it tore me apart.
Cut to spring of last year -- I relapsed once again and went on a three-week cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana binge. My mother intervened and sent me to a treatment center at a facility that is world-renowned for its ability to help people with addictions (little did I know that their actual success rate is pathetically low ... of course, they don?t want you to know this). I was in rehab for a total of 7 months.
I have been back home for about two months, working at my old job, going to meetings, seeing my psychiatrist, etc., and have already relapsed again. A physician prescribed me some Xanax for panic attacks I was having, and instead of taking it as directed, I downed the whole bottle one night. The shame has been crushing. I had been clean and sober for almost 9 months and I can?t even tell you how much money was spent on this treatment center. Seemingly all down the drain. I don?t dare tell my mother that I?ve relapsed. It was all I could do to tell my sponsor and a few close friends.
Anyway, out of sheer frustration and despair, I began researching ways of recovering from addiction that are alternatives to the 12-step-approach, since that way doesn?t seem to work for me, no matter how hard I try. I found this site somehow.
I recently finished reading Ameisen's book The End of My Addiction, which was a fantastic read, in addition to giving me a glimmer of hope, and I ordered some Baclofen online a couple of days ago and am feeling hopeful that this may actually help. I am scared of some of the side effects I?ve read about, but it?s certainly worth a try.
Thanks for reading and for being here!
I am new here and very encouraged by everything I've read so far. I wanted to introduce myself and tell you why I'm here.
I am a 41-year-old female with a 15-year history of problem drinking, which morphed into alcoholism and drug addiction about 5 years ago. I was always what they call a ?high-functioning alcoholic,? though, so that kept me in denial about the fact that I had a problem. I held down jobs, had committed relationships, earned two master?s degrees and a PhD, never got into legal trouble, etc. I was basically a weekend drinker. When a relationship of mine about 5 years ago was threatened by my drinking, I decided to try AA to see if that would help. I went faithfully to meetings several times a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps, saw a psychiatrist, etc. I have been in psychotherapy off and on for most of my adult life. Have been on a variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and have been diagnosed with various mental health problems, ranging from anxiety/depression to bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, Asperger?s, etc.
I turned to drugs after being in AA for a while, because I thought as long as I wasn?t drinking, I could handle it, and I wanted to self-medicate the dysphoria I was constantly suffering from. I tried pot, opiates, benzodiazepines, psychedelics, and when I finally discovered amphetamines and cocaine, I found my ultimate drug of choice. In spite of attempts to stay clean and sober in ?the program,? I could never put together more than a few months of abstinence. This was frustrating beyond belief, as I have always had a great deal of self-discipline and will power.
What was it that I wasn?t ?getting? about the program and the steps? Was I one of those ?constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?? Did I have such severe ?character defects? that I could not recover? Was I one of those who is so ?spiritually bankrupt? that I was just doomed to an alcoholic, drug-addicted death? This is what I began to believe about myself, and it tore me apart.
Cut to spring of last year -- I relapsed once again and went on a three-week cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana binge. My mother intervened and sent me to a treatment center at a facility that is world-renowned for its ability to help people with addictions (little did I know that their actual success rate is pathetically low ... of course, they don?t want you to know this). I was in rehab for a total of 7 months.
I have been back home for about two months, working at my old job, going to meetings, seeing my psychiatrist, etc., and have already relapsed again. A physician prescribed me some Xanax for panic attacks I was having, and instead of taking it as directed, I downed the whole bottle one night. The shame has been crushing. I had been clean and sober for almost 9 months and I can?t even tell you how much money was spent on this treatment center. Seemingly all down the drain. I don?t dare tell my mother that I?ve relapsed. It was all I could do to tell my sponsor and a few close friends.
Anyway, out of sheer frustration and despair, I began researching ways of recovering from addiction that are alternatives to the 12-step-approach, since that way doesn?t seem to work for me, no matter how hard I try. I found this site somehow.
I recently finished reading Ameisen's book The End of My Addiction, which was a fantastic read, in addition to giving me a glimmer of hope, and I ordered some Baclofen online a couple of days ago and am feeling hopeful that this may actually help. I am scared of some of the side effects I?ve read about, but it?s certainly worth a try.
Thanks for reading and for being here!
wl:
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