Losing

[okkslady]

I haven't posted in awhile...I was doing so well! I cant sleep! I was doing so well! I was almost 4 months sober i think? I am unsure of the dates. I am a binge drinker. I decided to give up on alcohol because of all the stupid, degrading, humiliating things I did when I drank and blacked out. I have told my story on here previously so I will not get into detail again but just say where I am at right now. Like I said I "was" doing so well....I was staying home and enjoying time with my son and my family. Time that I missed out on while I was drinking. Well lonliness and isolation started to come over me. I felt alone because the same friends I use to have no longer called and isolaltion because I was always home!! In the beginning I loved it. I felt safe, warm, thankful for being able to be at home vs a bar, club or in jail.....thankful for not being out there and making stupid decisions!!!! Well I am weak, and the lonliness and isolation turned to depression...I went out with a friend and one drank lead to another and I ended up making a big mistake, doing stupid things once again. the next day I had the same feeling as I did when I firt decided to stop drinking..depression, hurt, thinking why do i keep doing this to myself? Well I went without drinking again because of the mistakes I made that night...but I am struggling!!! Today I was sooo angry thinking why be so lonely, why be so isolated?? What is wrong with having a few drinks, laughing and having fun with friends? I really felt resentment. I was going to get my sons father to watch my son and hit the town with old aquaintences who keep saying "they miss me!" I was so close to going. I didnt go. But man I have struggled all night. I was cranky. My mind was racing, thinking why didnt I just take my son to his dads n go. I have that same feeling of Im missing out!! Evrybody out there having fun and Im here??? I was irritable. Short with my son...I was almost to tears thinking about how lonely and alone I am!! I was thinking is not drinking worth all the lonliness??? Then I though WOW this is ADDICTION. This is exactly how I use to feel way back when I was at my worst...binge drinking almost every weekend. Fighting with my sons dad, my parents, cuz they were trying to keep me home and safe and I was fighting to get out and get that drink!. I have said before...I didnt see it as my body needing that drink, I seen it as them holding me back from having fun. I keep forgetting what it was like. The times when I was at rock bottom. The mistakes, the almost losing my life...duis, jail, tears, pain, and lonliness while binge drinking...I sit here and think it isnt me wanting to go have fun...it isnt me feeling lonely and alone it is ADDICTION. I am fighting so hardd and it is winning. For the moment I am happy i am home SAFE, a few hours ago I was bitter and mad thinking why am I home! Tomorrow I will be able to wake up clear headed and enjoy breakfast with my son.... but for now I am struggling! When or how does this end?

[Judestir]

Losing

((((hugs)))) to you Okks . I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it right now. To answer your question, I think it ends (or at least gets more manageable) with the passage of time.

Sounds to me like you need to reinvent your life....a life where you are not around drinking and those who partake. New hobbies, activities and friends. In a way, this can be very exciting. What is it that you would like to do in your spare time besides partying? Hobbies...activities??? Time to change things up a bit and get out there and meet new people. Think of it not as and end, but as a new beginning. You are worth it..........besides what have you got to lose?

Take care of yourself!!

[Judestir]

Losing

PS......... I know a bit about this because I have just moved across the country(Canada) with my husband. I left my job, my family (including my son's)and all of my very dear friends. My husband had a great job offer and we decided that change was a good thing and it was time to give it a go. So I have had to reinvent myself in many ways. I have new friends, am volunteering until I get a job, have signed up to go back to school, joined a gym and a golf course.

So Okks...find what you like to do and do it. I know you have a son at home, but it you can drop him off at his dads to go drinking you can drop him off to do other activities too. So the world is your oyster, really ask yourself what you want to do and then JUST DO IT!!

One more ((((((((((hug))))))))))

[RedJib]

Losing

Judestir... you just joined a golf club, in January, in Canada?! Now that's forward-thinking! yeah!

Seriously, though, I totally agree with your advice to okkslady: "really, ask yourself what you want to do and then JUST DO IT!" It's the basis of all positive personal change. We must actively do something, not wait passively for inspiration, the perfect opportunity, the agreement or support of others, etc.

[coalfire]

Losing

Well I am your twin! I am a binge drinker too. The cravings I can do. A month takes care of those for me but the resentment has been my downfall every time. I know now thats my big issue. I have been reading the tool box and I like the gratitude v deprivation post, the cultivate post, the junkie thinking post and the 51 things you should know post. I think I might post about this in the long term abstainers thread to see if those guys have any suggestions. It is a really important topic and probably a big reason for slips. Lets call in the MWO troops and see if we can get past this together!

[Rusty]

Losing

Okkslady...if you haven't read Allen Carr's book, "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking," pick it up ASAP. It addresses the resentment/deprivation issue.

Coalfire, I just responded to your post on the Longterm Abstainers thread.

[Tipplerette]

Losing

Hey Judestir, where in Canada were you transferred to? We live close to Ottawa and could really show you the amazing side of this government town and it's naughty neighbor to the North, Gatineau....