I?ve been here on MWO for a little while now but never really considered telling my story till just recently. I?ve been reading some threads about age related regrets; time wasted etc and people relating their stories about missing the ?good ol days? days when they used to be able to drink without issue. It made me wonder if my alcohol related Mid Life Crises might be interesting to some people after all. I?m going to condense my story as much as I can so here goes...
My mother was and still is an alcoholic. Her consumption spiraled out of control when I was about 14 years old and I moved interstate ( on my own) to get away from her. I never went back and she didn?t chase me either.
I grew up very quickly. I held a down a full time job and was living with an older guy by the time I was 15. I had both freedom and responsibility and it was BRILLIANT. I still look back now at age 40 and am amazed at how switched on I actually was about preserving my safety and well being. For some reason, I never missed my family and never wanted to go back home either. The sense of freedom, empowerment and opportunity was overwhelming to me. Alcohol and drugs were everywhere but I only drank occasionally and not very much in those days. Life was brand new and intoxicating enough.
Fast forward to my early 20?s when I joined a band. I was a singer and in a relationship with another band member. I don?t think there are words that I could write here to describe how exciting that was. This was a working band and we played at different venues around our home state every weekend for a little over 9 years. Alcohol was a normal part of whole scene and I drank it regularly, just like everyone else I knew did. We had an absoulte ball and I personally didn?t suffer negative consequences in those days. I always seemed to have an inbuilt sense of when to stop because I was and still am emetaphobic. I maintained my day job which required me to have zero alcohol in my blood stream and partied like hell on the weekends.
Some how later we all got older. People in and around the band got married and had families. Priorities changed and the band wound down in the mid 90's. I say ?some how? because I couldn?t believe it was happening. I was getting older myself ( mid 30's) but didn?t want to accept it. I loved my life the way it was and couldn?t understand how people around me were changing. It shocked the living daylights out of me when I first realized that younger people no longer considered me to be one of them.
So this is where all that fun drinking behavior that heightened my pleasure, then became heavy dysfunctional consumption to help me escape my reality. As it became more ingrained into my life, I lost my career and the love of my life. Rather than realizing it was because of alcohol, I saw alcohol now as my only solace and continued to spiral down through several hospital emergency room visits and one suicide attempt made while drinking. I did things while drinking I will never be able to say out loud or take back. Lines were crossed new lows were hit. I hope that someone out there may be able understand about the unspeakable crossing of lines because I?m sure I must not be the only one.
In the present day..I am much better now. Two things happened to turn my life around for which I?m sure I would not be here and sober otherwise. The first thing is that I was finally prescribed effective anti al medication and the second thing was that at this very time, a wonderful and supportive man who does not drink, walked into my life. I honestly don?t know if I?d have had the strength to make such a dramatic change under my own steam and I don't like to ponder that concept too closely.
These days, I have gone back to school full time and visit the gym 5 times a week. I still HATE losing my youth, my looks, my physical strength and the greater leverage that young people have with the majority of opportunities in life but I'm alive, sober and miraculously still in good health. For that I am eternally grateful. I?m not the same person I used to be but definitely ready for my second act in a alcohol free world.
:rockon:
My mother was and still is an alcoholic. Her consumption spiraled out of control when I was about 14 years old and I moved interstate ( on my own) to get away from her. I never went back and she didn?t chase me either.
I grew up very quickly. I held a down a full time job and was living with an older guy by the time I was 15. I had both freedom and responsibility and it was BRILLIANT. I still look back now at age 40 and am amazed at how switched on I actually was about preserving my safety and well being. For some reason, I never missed my family and never wanted to go back home either. The sense of freedom, empowerment and opportunity was overwhelming to me. Alcohol and drugs were everywhere but I only drank occasionally and not very much in those days. Life was brand new and intoxicating enough.
Fast forward to my early 20?s when I joined a band. I was a singer and in a relationship with another band member. I don?t think there are words that I could write here to describe how exciting that was. This was a working band and we played at different venues around our home state every weekend for a little over 9 years. Alcohol was a normal part of whole scene and I drank it regularly, just like everyone else I knew did. We had an absoulte ball and I personally didn?t suffer negative consequences in those days. I always seemed to have an inbuilt sense of when to stop because I was and still am emetaphobic. I maintained my day job which required me to have zero alcohol in my blood stream and partied like hell on the weekends.
Some how later we all got older. People in and around the band got married and had families. Priorities changed and the band wound down in the mid 90's. I say ?some how? because I couldn?t believe it was happening. I was getting older myself ( mid 30's) but didn?t want to accept it. I loved my life the way it was and couldn?t understand how people around me were changing. It shocked the living daylights out of me when I first realized that younger people no longer considered me to be one of them.
So this is where all that fun drinking behavior that heightened my pleasure, then became heavy dysfunctional consumption to help me escape my reality. As it became more ingrained into my life, I lost my career and the love of my life. Rather than realizing it was because of alcohol, I saw alcohol now as my only solace and continued to spiral down through several hospital emergency room visits and one suicide attempt made while drinking. I did things while drinking I will never be able to say out loud or take back. Lines were crossed new lows were hit. I hope that someone out there may be able understand about the unspeakable crossing of lines because I?m sure I must not be the only one.
In the present day..I am much better now. Two things happened to turn my life around for which I?m sure I would not be here and sober otherwise. The first thing is that I was finally prescribed effective anti al medication and the second thing was that at this very time, a wonderful and supportive man who does not drink, walked into my life. I honestly don?t know if I?d have had the strength to make such a dramatic change under my own steam and I don't like to ponder that concept too closely.
These days, I have gone back to school full time and visit the gym 5 times a week. I still HATE losing my youth, my looks, my physical strength and the greater leverage that young people have with the majority of opportunities in life but I'm alive, sober and miraculously still in good health. For that I am eternally grateful. I?m not the same person I used to be but definitely ready for my second act in a alcohol free world.
:rockon:
The hardest thing for me was regretting not having kids. I love kids and if i could turn the clock back, i'd change who i associated with and how i was in my early 20s. Life is too short for regrets, so i am going to try not to regret it and always hold out the hope that i will meet somebody who has a family, create a family of my own, or become part of a family. Either way, i have realised that family and love are the most important things in the world 
Comment