Weekends

[Popeye]

Most Sunday mornings, usually after a drunken Friday and Saturday, I tell myself in all frankness, That I have had enough; that I don't want to see another bottle of vodka again. Mondays are easy for me. I go to work and go home tired, then go to bed. Tuesdays are not so easy. I sometimes talk myself into going to bed, sometimes I just go to the shop for a bottle. (I'll be OK). Most Wednesdays and Thursdays I can't wait for Friday night when I can relax and drink myself into oblivion until Sunday morning....again.
I very rarely miss a shift at work due to drink, maybe once a year. I need to get out of this cycle for my family and for myself. I am ranting on.

[Guest]

Weekends

keep ranting

I kept ranting on and have now managed not to drink for nearly seven weeks - don't give up

[Popeye]

Weekends

The point that I was making before I went off on a tangent, is how little the promises that I make to myself have been worth. I stopped making promises to other people a lond time ago because I just broke them and let everyone down.
I have been drinking heavily (1-1/12 bottles of vodka a day, sometimes 5 days a week) for at least 15 years. I can't remember how long exactly. I went to AA a few years ago and found the people lovely and supportive, but I couldn't do the face to face thing. The first time I had a drink while I was there, I didn't have the courage to go back and tell them, so I never went back. How weak is that? I don't know if I should stop totally or seriously cut it down. I am not sure if I could stop for ever, but I know I could slow down. I am currently on day 3 of a months abstainance. I have to go to a birthday party on Friday and I know I'll not drink. My wife thinks that I do things back to front; I don't drink when I should - at a party for example - but then I'll go home and get blitzed. I don't know why.
Anyway, I have to go to work now. Thanks for listening. It's good to talk.

[Guest]

Weekends

Paul, Don't know if you saw 'raining in my heart on BBC last night but was certainly a wake up call to me. This is a good site to get support and practical advice, keep visiting and pick up on the relevant threads - I'm a fellow Scot and know the culture make stopping even harder 'Disny drink hows that?'

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hi there.
I'm still relatively new here but I have to say this site is one of the best things that has happened to me. Reading your stories and receiving such friendly support is a great help. I wish that I could express myself better with the words I write. I can't seem to follow a line of thought for very long when I am writing, before I find myself thinking about something else - perhaps a symptom of the damage I have done to my head.
I have never found it easy to communcate with people but I really want to become a part of this community.My previous posts on this thread haven't really been " my story", more a look at the way things are now, so I shall start from the beginning.
My parents met while serving in the RAF and for the first 7 years of my life we travelled around a lot, though I don't remember much about that. My childhood proper started when they had both left the service, and we settled down in a small house in the middle of nowhere. Dad worked really hard and Mum stayed at home to look after us. ( I am the eldest of four). By the time that I was 12 I was being sent to the local pub, 1 1/2 miles away, during the school holidays, for Cider for my mum. I didn't know what it was at the time. I assumed that it was some sort of soft drink. Anyway shortly after that the trouble started. Mum and Dad separated and we left with mum. After a topsy-turvy few years I was left alone with my mum and a man who was to become very abusive to us both. My brother and sisters went to live with dad. I cannot remember the time-line, but mum drank copious amounts of vodka with her new man and I was left to get on with it, which suited me fine. I left school got a job and got married age 20.-We are still together. Mum and her man continued to drink. They both had several suicide attempts, some of which I was witness to. To cut a long story short, the man drank himself to death and my mother almost did.
Meanwhile my siblings, who I have always loved, were getting educated and doing very well. Iam really proud of them all.
Since I got married 24 years ago, my drinking has increased from "normal", social drinking, to heavy social drinking, to heavy drinking on my own alcoholic sprees and regular trips to oblivion. My wife has been through it all with me and we love each other dearly. My mother cooled down after she found out that she had lung cancer and we got back to a good mother-son relationship before she died 4 years ago. I have always had a good relationship with my dad who I have always seen on a regular basis.
I have never had many friends and I don't really mind that. I am sort of anti-social and I prefer to keep myself to myself and I don't reach out much, but I am delighted to have found this place.
I forgot what it's like to open up Thanks

[tawnyfrog]

Weekends

Thanks Paul

paulb wrote:
I have never had many friends and I don't really mind that. I am sort of anti-social and I prefer to keep myself to myself and I don't reach out much, but I am delighted to have found this place.
I forgot what it's like to open up Thanks

I don't think I have ever opened up to people in my "real" world as I have here. It's a wonderful, liberating, joyous feeling.

Tawny

[Hundi]

Weekends

Oh sweatheart Paul

You did well to find here - very brave to to open up, Glad to know you have supportive wife. I do not post often (I should more so), but I take my cap off to you and wish you all the best! You struck a chord with me I am very private also, But do visit chat - Hundi

[lushy]

Weekends

Oh Paul you seem like such a nice man. I appreciate what it took for you to post that story. It sounds like you could be in a much worse mindset from the upbringing you had but I sense a lot of positiveness on your part. You are very much to be admired. I hope that whatever your goals are with drinking you will achieve them. This is a really great place. I have never in my life been part of an internet community; always thought people odd that did that sort of thing, but I have come to see differently since coming here. We are all human beings with our own struggles and we are just trying to find our best way in the world. I wish you your best way.

[boycie]

Weekends

Hi Paul I am only new here also and am a very private person. Since finding this site and joining in I have found the people here to be extremely supportive and very non judgemental. I'm an Aussie so our "culture" doesn't help us with drinking issues either. Can totally relate to your story, think yourself very lucky to have somebody by yourside to help along the way, she must be a very special lady. Mine bailed out, mind you I wasn't a very nice person to be around, I would have left me to. Hang in there mate, we are all here to support each others goals.

[KatieSmiles]

Weekends

Hi Paul!
I'm new here as well and not used to spilling my stuff to other people.
This site is amazing and the people here are fantastic.
Good for you for letting it out...tis a hard thing to do.
Take very good care and push on..you are on the right track.
Keep Smiling
Katie

[AMELIA]

Weekends

Dear Paul.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have expressed yourself beautifully: clear, concise and easy to follow contrary to what you may think about your writing.
I am so happy that you have a supportive an loving partner that is aware of what you are dealing with at the moment and it sounds like you are being pretty open with her which is fantastic.
I don't know whether this relates to you or not, but it is something that was discussed with me a long time ago.............
Years ago I went to a therapist who during one part of our sessions explored an idea with me: that children who see their parents in pain feel an enormous amount of guilt and frustration. Young children (although usually unable to) would do anything to take away the pain that they see their beloved parents in. My therapist then went on to venture, that sometimes as adults we repeat some of the actions (and create some of the pain) of our parents for what could be a range of reasons, again out of guilt or perhaps to re-create a scenario to try to change the outcome whilst we are in control (not our parents).
Pretty deep stuff I know! It may mean something to you, or it may not.
Either way, keep posting, definately keep sharing and reading everyone elses posts. One of the most positive things I have found from this site is a feeling that I am not alone or in fact abnormal....sigh.
Amelia

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hi, thanks for your input. It's good to know there is someone out there to alk to.
Amelia: What you say strikes a chord with me. I cannot blame anyone else for my mistakes and for my own mis-judgements, though everyone is made of the sum of their experiences. Part of my plan is to make the sum of my experiences better. (Being in this place is definately a great experience).
I have a 40th Birthday party to attend tonight and I will be under a bit of pressure to partake. However I have no intention of doing so. I shall sit back and relax - I hope - and enjoy myself.......sober.
Last night was a trial. I wanted a drink the instant I got home from work, but I jumped onto this site and with the help of all you and my wife I got through it. Thanks again

[AMELIA]

Weekends

Well Paul, as I am writing this you are probably still at the party so hope it is going well for you. Yeah, I am still getting about a half hour time slot of 'danger' time each night, that I have to duck and dive through, so as not to go to the off license.....goes with the course at the moment I suppose.

Good luck
Amelia

[Guest]

Weekends

Hi Paul - another fellow Scot and a wee nosy biddie as well - how did it go last night? Just interested to see how you are?

Orra best
The Terror

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hi there.
The party was OK as parties go. I managed quite easily on the drink front, despite the best efforts all there."what's wrong with you"..... "come on, enjoy yourself".... etc. They were all surprised that I was sober. I didn't enlighten them as to why- I like a bit of mischief.
Afterwards , when I was driving people home, I had a thought that I had missed out on something, then, almost immediately realised that I had gained from it.
This is a lovely place . I found a quote yesterday." The qualities we possess should never be a matter of satisfaction, but the qualities we have discarded." Thanks