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[Dee2008]

Sounds like home

Flo,
Thank you for the hug, you are so sweet:l. I feel better today and a little less sad. My husband had me buy tickets to a concert in March so I know he is still making future plans with me. The concert will be us and a couple of friends and they will all want to drink.
I hugged and kissed my husband before I left for work this morning and told him that I missed him so much and loved him and wanted one more chance to be his wife again. He told me that he had never said I couldn't be his wife. Not the romantic man I'm used to, but it's a start. He was sleeping last night and I snuggled up to him and he held me for a few minutes and kissed my hair just once. I know he still loves me and I'm so scared that I will disappoint him again. I'm scared I won't be as much fun to him when we do go out to do things because he will drink and I won't. The more he drinks the more lovey he is to me. I wish I were that way and I am as long as I don't drink too much.
I have read a lot about stepping out of your comfort zone and I know that is something I need to work on so that I can show him how much I love him. They (whoever they are) say the more you practice it the easier it becomes. I want to practice it but right now I know that he is still unsure and i don't want to push but I also think about the "what ifs". What if something happens to him or me and I never got to the point where loving him right was my comfort zone? My head is so full of crap LOL. I can ramble on and i don't care if anybody reads or understands. It's great to have this place to put it all out there and I even hope that if someone does read any of it they find something in it that they haven't thought of to help them through their difficult times.
I've decided to start working out again, something I love to do but have neglected here lately so I'm going to go try it out and see how rough it is on me.
Thank you for this site and for all the special people on it. Dee

[Flossie]

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Hi Dee,

I am really pleased that you are feeling a lot happier today.
That`s brilliant that you are going to start working out too, with or without AL there`s no way I`m even going to start working out lol, I hate exercise and the most I do is walking the dogs for hours, I did have a idea of jogging once and I thought just jog to that lampost but didn`t even make that far oh dear lol.
I really don`t know what to say about your relationship other than it sounds as if you really mean change you will keep him, deep in your heart you know what to do.
My partner and I both drink and each time I have stopped and he hasn`t our relationship has been better, we were our own enemies as we matched drink for drink so now I have stopped it is no longer as much fun for him and he has cut down too so we can have really nice conversations and when we sit together having a snuggle its because we mean it and its not just alcohol snuggles so there you go have a nice non alcohol snuggle and show him you mean what you say
I`m not that helpful I know but I`m trying lol.
Love Flo x

[rubywillow]

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sDee, I don't get here often but your thread touched me. I've been married 40 years, spent more than a lifetime with a good man. Perfect? NO! But he knew, and saw, what was good, and stayed. So did I.
AL lossens your tongue. What you've felt, for him or others, comes out. It SOUNDS to me, AL can not be part of your life. Find some way to talk, really open up, to him, and ask for his help to get back to the person you are. I stuggle with that every day, but that's a good marriage. You HAVE to show your real self to him, not the person he's watched embarrass him, hurt him. It's time, if you've done damage, to 'soberly' open yourself to him.
He sounds like a good guy We girls know they are few and far between. So, even though I want to smother him with a pillow, very often, we have to work every day. Believe me, my friends have been thru the alternative, and it AIN'T pretty. Read here. I don't think you can drink, but that's not the end of the world. And not as bad as losing a good mate.

[Doggygirl]

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Hi Dee. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I too married my husband in my 40's. I too became a mean drunk - mainly to him. I too had to stop drinking or I would have lost my marriage, and a whole lot of other stuff.

It took me many years to finally accept that I cannot drink safely, ever. Sure - I might get lucky and be able to drink on some occassion where nothing bad happens. But the risk of something bad happening is ALWAYS high. ALWAYS.

I too asked myself "why?" so many times. Why do I keep drinking after I know I should stop? Why can't I keep my promises to myself or others that I won't drink, or will limit my drinking? Why do I get so mean to the person I love the most? Why why why? Here is the answer. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. All the insanity was a direct result of my addiction to alcohol. Period. I'm not a bad person. I'm just a sick person. And the key to me getting well is to not drink. My life depends on it.

If you are like me, please take heart and know that if I can stop, so can you.

My husband does not have a problem with AL. He can drink one and stop, etc. However to support my efforts at staying sober, he has chosen to not drink when he is with me. I find that very helpful. At this stage of the game (almost 3 years sober for me) we do go out with other people who might have drinks. It's OK now, but for a while we didn't go out much around alcohol. It was too hard for me at first. That was just reality. We had to get our priorities straight. I needed to quit drinking and that is my number one goal each and every day - stay sober. Whatever changes we have made to our social life in order for me to stay sober have been worth it. I have a life again, and he has a wife again. It works!

Strength and hope to you,

DG

PS - I am also from Illinois (Joliet) if you are really from IL.

[KundaliniGirl]

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Dee, there is so much good advice here already. Just wanted to say that I really understand so much of what you describe. I think it's very common when we drink too much to have this pent up anger that springs up from seemingly nowhere.

One thing no one mentioned that I think would be helpful. If you can just try to get a couple of months AF time -- and during that time, really steer clear of social situations that would be difficult for you -- I think that would be extremely helpful. You know, don't think in terms of never being able to have another drink right now. Just think - I need to do 30 days, and then do another 30. Try to get 2-3 months without AL.

It will change your life............

Sending you peace and strength,

KG

[Dee2008]

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Flo, Ruby and Doggygirl.

Thanks for the posts and the encouragement. It means a lot to me. I agree that I have to stop drinking, it is killing my marriage, and I can't let it die without a real fight. It is the week end and there will friends and drinking and it will be so hard to not think that I can just drink 1, just 1. But I won't do it. I started a motivation thread on the general discussion so that I can post each day what is motivating me to stop. You all are so lucky to have partners that saw the good in you, but your partners are lucky to have someone who works so hard to save what you have. I know that I can do this, I just have to get past the "poor me" part when everyone else is drinking and I am not. Tonight I am going to practice stepping out of my comfort zone while I am sober and see how it feels. Hell I might even like it LOL. I call it expanding my comfort zone for now. You girls have a nice evening and keep talking to me, I kinda like ya. Oh and I am from IL but from the south central area near Effingham.

Thanks again! Dee

[Dee2008]

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Kundalinigirl (hope I spelled that right),

That is very logical advice and I didn't really think about it like that before but you are so right. Sometimes I think "ya know I can drink some just not with my man, just do it with my girlfriends and don't over do" but I know that is false confidence because I won't say awful things to my girlfriends, I think, because they are female LOL, I don't know. But drinking with them and doing fine will lead me to think I CAN do it with him when the reality of my life is I can't.
I can say this here because I think someone will understand. When I drink too much with him it doesn't matter, I end up believing he is against me, or not really against me but looking to hurt me in some way, I have no clue how or why, it can be something he says or does and I can feel it building up and eventually before the night is over I'm pissed. I may not know why but pissed I am. I will say the stupidest things to make him believe that he WAS trying to hurt me and that is where the fight begins. I can not let it drop until I'm passed out and in the morning I can't remember half of what I said to him, but he does. Sometimes I don't even remember fighting but I can tell by the way he acts that I have done it again. And another problem is, I can drink 6 drinks one night and be smashed and a different night I can drink 12 and be less smashed than when I drank 6. So the moderation thing wit me just does not work. If I drink 1 I'm cool but when I drink 2 I'm off and running and most likely will not stop till I'm belligerent. I do not talk bad about my hubby to others but I have embarrassed him in front of his friends and mine by leading them to believe that he has said or done something to hurt me. Anyway I'm a rambling woman so I'll quit now. Thanks I love all the advice keep it coming! Dee

[Flossie]

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Hi Dee,

You meany how comes you only kinda like us lol.
Just checking in to see how stepping out of your comfort zone went I`m bostin to know how it went for you, if it wasn`t as planned there is always another time, just never give up trying to try ok.
My OH has man flu at the moment oh dear, a few coughs a few sneezes and he`s apparently dying so can I send him over for the day lol.
Take care Love Flo xx

[KundaliniGirl]

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Dee, don't forget to try a 30 day stint.........see how you do and how you like it. It was amazing for me...........the best thing I've done for myself. It really will give you a much clearer picture of EVERYTHING!! It will be hard at first, but then you'll actually start loving it. It somehow cleanses you on multiple levels - physically and mentally. Just think of it as a spa treatment.

KG

[Dee2008]

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Hey guys,

I like yas, I like yas ALOT.
It went ok last night stepping out of my comfort zone. I decided I was gonna have fun without drinking and I did. I smiled and was happy towards everyone. I'm having trouble doing it with my man tho. He still is upset with me and kinda picking at me for little things but I just agree that I'm wrong and go on. I don't know if we will get back to the point where we were so long ago but I'm hoping and praying my changes will help.
Send your man over Flo I'll baby him for a while and give you a break
There will be more friends and drinking tonight and I vow not to drink any at all again and see how it goes and try to let my baby know how much I still miss him and love him.
Thanks for your concerns and help....and just everything.

I kinda LOVE ya's
Dee

[prancy]

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Just a thought. Try thinking from his perspective for a while. I wonder how you would feel if he had too many drinks and was mean to you every night. I would murder my husband if he did the sort of things I have done. I truly don't know why he has put up with me so long. I have told him more than once that I could understand if he wanted a divorce. he says he doesn't but I have given him serious provocation.
I try to do just what you did last night - plaster a smile on my face no matter what I am feeling. I am not an AAer butni think that is what they call acting "as if.". In other words, until it really starts to work for you, just act as if it is and you will eventually forget the difference.
Good luck and try hard. I can hear that you would really suffer if you lost that man!

[Dee2008]

Sounds like home

Pracy,
How are you doing? I agree I've thought about how I would feel if it were the other way around and he was talking mean to me like that. It would hurt so much to think that all I have ever done is love him and treat him with love and respect and then have it all torn down with words. Words that I don't even mean at all. Why do I do that, it's nuts? I'm never going to do that again. I've said that before but with it in my head that I was still gonna drink, just never too much. This time I mean I am never gonna drink, ever. I'm scared to talk to him because it will bring up all his feelings of how I hurt him over and over. But I'm scared not to talk to him because he might feel like I really don't love him when that is the farthest thing from the truth. When I said I was scared that he wouldn't think I was as much fun if I didn't drink, that's just crazy isn't it? I should be scared because I know that he doesn't want to be around me when I drink. Funny how our minds work us around to think like that. He is out in his man cave right now all alone and I am going to go out and tell him one more time that I will not drink anymore. He's not going to believe me but I'm saying it anyway. (More walking out of the comfort zone). Then I'm going to tell him how scared I am about my decision. And I might even tell him how when I see him come home and walk through the door all I want to do is jump in his arms and love him like crazy. I'll just see how it goes, if it goes bad I won't give up, if it goes good I won't relax back into my comfort zone thinking my work is done I'll keep working to show him how I feel by actions and words. Thank you all again. Dee

[Flossie]

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Hi Dee,

I have put my OH on the plane and he will be over shortly for you to look after him and his man flu, you will recognise him as his nose is bright red from blowing it so much and he will have a hugh holdall full of lemsip and such like lol, please send him back before Valentines as I want my choccys and card
Oh and I`m pleased you like us more too
I`m glad you got through last night without AL, I think AL makes us like we are thinking we are incapable of having fun without him and so we tend to use him to have fun and yet when we stop we suddenly realise we didn`t need him and are funny bright and witty without him, we never learn do we.
I shall even go out on a limb and say I am more funny and witty in company without it and am more confident in saying things without slurring or slipping my words up.
You have another good time tonight you don`t need AL to have a good time ok.
Take care Luv Flo x

[Dee2008]

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It didnt go well. I drank and we fought and I don't know anymore

[Flossie]

Sounds like home

Dee

I am really sorry to read that.

I am so not good at giving advice so all I can say is lets get this ito perspective you drank, you fought and its over and done with, forget it and put it behind you and move on.
Nobody apart from me is perfect and if I had a pound for all the times we`ve messed up I`d be rich, I doubt there are many here that said hey I`m giving up and made it Af for the rest of time, I learnt more with every time I slipped so you know what you did learn from it and put it into practice.
Personally I think if you were to carry on drinking you would be showing your hubby you didn`t mean it but if you get straight back in there he will see you mean what you say and respect you more .
No bad news tomorrow for me and I mean it :upset:
Love Flo x