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**Rusty** · February 8, 2011, 06:58 PM

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:welcome

ee!

You have come to a great place and I'm sooooo sorry you are so sad, and you are wise to address this now before your husband calls it quits. Is AA a possibility? I have never gone to AA but there's a lot of support on the Weekly AA Thread. Also, I read Allen Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking." It's an excellent book. Also, a good start would be to download the MWO Book and get the CDs....very good at helping to change your "drinking thinking." Your husband might be tired of your promises but if you tell him what steps you're taking....he might know then that you are serious about changing. Read and post here often. It could change your life for the better.:l Sending you good thoughts on your journey.

Rusty

**Sharky** · February 8, 2011, 07:01 PM

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Welcome Dee-
You have taken the first big step by joining this fantastic community. Continue to read and post. Almost everyone has been through similar experiences and you will get some great advice.
I know after continually pissing my wife off because of drinking, I finally came clean and told her that i was taking measures to stop and that I needed her help. I told her about this site, and sought out a therapist. I need to continually show improvement. (I have slipped up badly several times). I am a binger as well. Completed 30 days - which was great and currently starting over on Day 2. It is not easy but [please stay with this site and read and post:welcome:

**Judestir** · February 8, 2011, 07:38 PM

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Hi Dee

You are here..what a greaat start. How about you show your husband your post here. Maybe he will understand when he reads your words. Your honesty shines through.

Show him that you are trying, buy the books ,read, read, read....and ask for support. You can do this!

**Dee2008** · February 8, 2011, 07:38 PM

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Thanks already thanks! I haven't been to AA and I live in a small town that doesn't have it close by. I have been to a therapist and she released me after 4 sessions thinking I was fine. But I wasn't. I can be how do I say? Very confident in myself that I will do it this time and I think she felt my confidence and thought I was strong when I wasn't. My confidence lasted about 2 weeks after she let me go and then I became confident that I was in control and I could drink just a couple and stop. Slap in the face again, I can stop sometimes and that leads me to believe I can do it all the time but the alcohol is just leading me on into a big binge again slowly. I have a great job and 3 great kids and step daughter, the most wonderful hubby in the world so what is wrong with me? It seems the times that we are getting along the best and I feel so very happy inside is the times that I blow it over and over again. I'm working on me ...again I just hope he doesn't get tired of waiting for me to fix me. I have lost all of his trust and I am unsure I can get it back this time.
Thanks again for your support! Dee

**Judestir** · February 8, 2011, 07:40 PM

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:welcome::welcome::welcome:

Oh yes, and welcome. You have come to a wonderful place full of really amazing people.:welcome:

**Sharky** · February 8, 2011, 08:08 PM

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Dee-
I agree with Judestir. Can you show him your posts? They are very powerful and full of meaning and great intentions. I think they would help. I too have a problem expressing myself to my spouse - I actually had success righting down my intentions and alchchol goals and emailing it to her (that kinda sucks but I at least got my thoughts out). She was very appreciative of that.
Give it some thought.

**Dee2008** · February 8, 2011, 08:54 PM

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I could show him my posts. He is asleep on the couch after a long 2 days of work and I know he is angry with me and I've hurt him again and he doesn't want to have to deal with me and my problems right now, so I'm trying to give him space when all I really want to do is be with him and try to love his hurt away. I have sent him emails before and they might have meant something if I had followed through. He told me not to send him anymore so I don't. I decided that I needed something to hang onto as my motivation to quit. So I am remembering things that he has said to me and done for me. The things that meant the most to me and that I will never forget. I will remember them every morning and all through the day because I know that he meant them when he said them and did them. They are things said and done when I wasn't drinking or at least had a bit of control to stop before I was to the point of no return. That is where I want to go and stay forever. I am guilty of wanting things to go back to normal after one of my binges while knowing if it were the other way around I would need time to heal from it. So I'm riding this one out and trying not to push him no matter how hard it is. I am so sad because I hurt him over and over again. Just when he starts to have a little trust in me I drink again. I have vowed to myself that if he ever lets me love him again I will hold nothing back, no words of love and no actions that show him I love him, I will give him everything I have inside of me every single day. But right now I don't think he wants me to touch him at all. He has told me many times that actions speak louder than words and I believe in that too. I have so much love inside of me for him and I need to learn how to turn my feelings of love in to actions. I'm sorry I am too long winded on here LOL. I will stop now. Thanks for the advice and I will truly consider letting him read on here. Thanks again, Dee

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 02:21 PM

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Dee 2008,
I am only on Day 2 of AF, after four days of heavy drinking so I am in no way a person to give advice!
But something you said really rang a bell with me and I wanted to comment on it. You said that just when you are feeling really happy and in control, that is when something changes and you start to drink and become mean to your husband.
I have the exact same reaction. I often think back to before I have a binge and realize that it was just when I was feeling very happy and confident. Isn't that self-sabotage? I wonder why we do that?
It is exactly the opposite of what is logical. Something to think about.
On your musings about your husband, it is my 30th anniversary tonight and we had planned to go to this very fancy hotel, have a wonderful gourmet dinner (and of course, champagne) and have a great time. THIS is the time I pick to get screwed up, make an ass out of myself, and disappoint him once again??? This is completely crazy.
To be honest, I don't want to go. First, I know it will be agony getting thru the dinner without drinking and I know he won't either because he won't want to tempt me, and he probably would enjoy a cocktail on a festive evening. So I feel like I am ruining it for him. Then I am still feeling a bit on the shaky side and don't much feel like getting all dressed up and going out to someplace where everyone will be drinking.
But I owe it to him. He has planned with for a month.
I am rambling. Back to my point.....
My husband and I got to where you are about 10 years ago. He was just so disgusted with me. I shared with him my feelings and yes, he had heard them many times before. I took action - I signed up with a therapist - and he even went with me a couple of times. In the end, we realized our love for each other and we are better today than ever. You can do this!
I realize that I have disappointed him again beyond belief but his main response so far has been concern about me and how I am feeling. But he definitely wants action again this time and really, he has just about had it with this pattern. He is being very loving though.
You have only been married a short time and I am sure he still loves you. Show him with action that you are willing to do something and tell him how much you care about him. Absolutely show him your posts if he will read it.
And then, I say to you and to me......Take the action and solve this serious problem once and for all.
I am only starting again but please feel free to call on me for support. We have a very similar problem and maybe we can help each other. Sorry for going on for so long.....

**Dee2008** · February 9, 2011, 05:49 PM

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Prancy,
We do sound like we have very similar problems and a lot in common. Though I'm not sure that I can offer you much help either, it's great to have someone to talk to that understands what it all feels like. I feel so stupid for trading the love of my life for a buzz, hell a buzz I can only half remember even.
But congrats on being married for 30 years. That is an accomplishment in itself. I think you should go ahead and go out for your anniversary, have fun and don't stress, just relax. I do know what you mean about going out like that and wanting to drink but knowing you shouldn't do it because it will only lead to trouble most likely. It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving husband so I know in my heart that you are a good person to be loved so much by him.
You are no more long winded than I am, seems I express myself much better in typed or written words than I do with my mouth. Anything you want to talk about I am here. I will be on here daily because right now I need this so much.
Thank you and have a great anniversary, and love that man of yours! Dee

**Dee2008** · February 9, 2011, 06:45 PM

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How do I go in and edit my profile on here? I was gonna put where I was from and such but I can't get back to it. thanks, dee

**Rusty** · February 9, 2011, 08:12 PM

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Dee,

Go to the top of your post where it says User CP on the left hand side. Click on that, and on the left you will see Settings and Options, and under that it will say Edit Profile, and then you can change it.

**Dee2008** · February 9, 2011, 08:18 PM

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Thank you Rusty

**Dee2008** · February 9, 2011, 10:54 PM

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I'm back, seems I can't stay away. ?Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I've read this more in the past 4 days then I care to say. But I definitely resemble that remark in more ways than one. It's insane to keep doing what I'm doing and thinking some part of the equation will change and give me a different answer. I quit drinking for several years of my life for various reasons but mainly because of my kids. I still had some turmoil in my life but I can honestly say I wasn't totally to blame for all of it. Now I am to blame, just me all by myself. Now I have to change. We don't all get a 2nd chance but for some reason I have had more than one. I'd like to think it's because someone somewhere knows deep down that I am a good person and I deserve more than I have given to myself.
One of my sons friends killed himself today. He was 16 and put a gun to his head and took his own life. Why? My son says he was the happiest person he knew. It's so sad and I can't imagine the pain he must have had in his young life to feel he had no way to cope other than to stop living. And the heartache his parents must be feeling knowing that they couldn't help him. It is the most terrible thing I can't even imagine.
Makes my problems seem so small it makes me want to kick myself in the ass to think I keep wasting my life and my love away on drinking myself ignorant.

**Flossie** · February 10, 2011, 08:39 AM

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Dee

You sound so sad at the moment I wish you a virtual hug.

I am so sorry about your son`s friend it is so tragic in someone so young, my thoughts are you and his family at this very sad time.

I can relate to you in many ways I just know there is a good person deep within us and we have so been taken over by this awful drug, I wouldn`t shoot heroin or take crystal meths so why do I think it is ok to take alcohol when it is just as deadly

I too have been given another chance, I have blown 3 chances before and this time I honestly thought I wasn`t due another and prayed hard for it and somehow it has been given again, this time it`s for keeps and I mean it, it took 100% effort this time so have nothing left if I should ever fail which I can`t and won`t.

You will conquer this beast you sound committed now so I wish you ever sucess so keep near and keep posting too.

Love Flo x

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