A Calif. newbie

[crimsons]

Hi Guys, I've been lurking here for quite awhile. But my drinking as escalated alarmingly. I was doing really well just a couple of weeks ago. But then -- ironically -- I went out after exercise class for wine with two gals. They went home, I went to the store...twice. Thus started a 10-day bender. These have been getting more frequent and have completely shut down my work life (I am an at-home freelancer). I think I've finally got to the point where I don't just HAVE to stop, I actually WANT to. I'd gotten on this great health kick where I took two 1/2 hour circuit training classes daily, then often went for a walk with friends after. There's just one day a week where we would be hitting the bar, so I guess I'd better "have an appointment" after on that day to avoid temptation.

Last night I tapered off somewhat, although today I still feel anxious and a little shaky and not all that clear. I have an all day seminar and I'm dreading it -- I am so out of it I'm having to do my shower, breakfast, and getting dressed in shifts...it feels overwhelming. I realize I've been sitting at home with the shades drawn staring at the computer and not accomplishing anything. I had also developed this really strange habit of sitting in the car drinking wine while looking at the waterfront as I am so lonely. This is not only illegal and potentially dangerous, but also downright strange and pitiful. Two other sad behaviors had been napping in the car and when I was heavily into the bender, sometimes even finding a quiet street and urinating in public as I didn't want to go home and wasn't near a public toilet. I mean, that's just pitiful! I'm a middleaged woman!

I also had gotten just a little too angry with three different people recently, and shot off emails that weren't awful, but a little over the top. Drinking really brings out my rage.

I so don't want to discuss my problem drinking with anyone in person, so this seem like a great place to start. I'm definitely not drinking starting tomorrow; I may have a tiny hair of the dog this morning to stop the shaking and then cease. There's nothing to drink in the house, and I just have to concentrate on NOT buying any.

Tomorrow night I go to a dinner party, but I know the situation and no one will even think about what's in the glass. So Pellegrino goes in the glass. Also I have been able to abstain for business events, as I actually need to network. But right now I feel shaky, out of control, and sad. I know when I get back to the gym tomorrow that will help -- and I think the two ladies I walk with know I was on a bender. They both reached out to me but I was too embarrassed to tell them.

Ah, something to eat and green tea just improved my outlook.:new:

[Flossie]

A Calif. newbie

hi

Hello Crimsons,

I am so pleased to see you have joined us here at MWO, you have definately come to the right place for sensible advice and help with your drinking :welcome:
I definately know what you mean about in the end actually wanting to stop but finding the courage to do so, I hated drinking in the end as I could see just where it was taking me but I didn`t see a way out but then I came here and read all the threads and with the help of a some absolutely fantastic people here I crossed over to being AF and it is wonderful being so free again.
It sounds like you are desparate to give up too now and you have a good plan so keep with us, keep posting and keep reading, we will try and help you every step of the way.

Love Flo.

May I suggest that you also write in the Just Starting Out thread as there will many others who will want to wish you well and help you x

[prancy]

A Calif. newbie

Hi crimsons,
Welcome! You have found a place where you can share your feelings and challenges without anyone judging you. Much of our behavior when drinking is incomprehensible to those who don't drink alcoholically. But most of us here have similar stories even if the details differ. The journey to stop drinking is an interesting one and can be challenging. I am glad you took the first step with us. Keep posting and reading. I know you will find friends here.

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

Hi All thanks for your kind remarks. I went to the seminar all day today and it was positive and tons of fun. It was a session for people who do public speaking, and Ive had a public speaking business set up since a book i wrote came out five years ago. I met several great and inspiring people. Two were about 40 and overcame near-fAtal illnesses and lost both parents very young. You can bet they're not drinking! It was almost like they'd been sent from above to teach me a lesson! I'm set up to see my personal trainer tomorrow. Now if I just get my sorry ass home, I can get things done instead of wasting time.

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

Home now. I did not stop at any store and it's pouring so unlikely to go back out. Was tempted to hit a happy hour, but thought, "I won't regret not doing that" and therefore didn't. My house didn't quite look as messy as I'd feared, and as I've been careful about drunk-dialing, I don't really have fires to put out except for phone calls not returned while in bender-hiding. I'm really looking forward to waking up feeling better in the morning. Plus I love love love this exercise class I do twice most days and will start again tomorrow. It's a 30-minute cardio and circuit training class, and it's filled with great people who are grinning like big kids at recess. I have not gone in over a week, and people in it who know mean KNEW something was wrong. Three of them were in my seminar today and looked wary that I seemed shaky. But after a (great and healthy NA) lunch, I was almost normal again.

I am a little too foggy still to do any brain-related work. But if I can tidy up round here and get organized for next week that will be one heck of a good change. I'm going to be hanging out on MWO a lot. AA is not for me, and I've had some strange experiences at the only SMART group here in town. Also, I've learned that AA is not always that anonymous, and neither am I. According to Stanton Peele's writings, attendees' participation has been used negatively in court cases. Also word gets out fast around here, though some argue that's it's actually great Hollywood networking. LOL! Anyway, I'd rather be online-type anonymous.

Thanks folks for being so nice and un-judgmental. Now off to load the dishwasher, have a shower, and go to bed early. Going to a dinner party tomorrow, so want to be good and clear about not drinking.

[Flossie]

A Calif. newbie

Hi

Hi Crimsons,

Sure sounds like you kept yourself busy so less time to think about AL huh

I love it that you sound so positive at what you want to achieve and what you will achieve too.

Hope you enjoy that dinner party too, keep on the water though lol.

Take care Flo x

[LadyLush]

A Calif. newbie

Crimsons,

Sounds like me! I became a sloppy drunk years ago. I went through a divorce in 2005 and then became a mean ass drunk. E-mails, phone calls, in person etc. All to people that didn't deserve my wrath but became part of it anyway. There were no exceptions.
Every day without alcohol is a day to be proud of. Stay with MWO, and you will find support you never knew existed.

Stay with us!

Lady

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

Thanks Guys, I got through yesterday really well! Couldn't sleep until 6-9 am, but a little groggy is better than a lot hung over. In a couple hours I see my circuit training class, trainer, walking buddy ladies. Then the only hurdle for today is not drinking at the dinner party. There will be people there I don't want to be an ass in front of -- and I have always been able to abstain if I decide in advance "for business purposes."

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

And I wasn't mean to anyone all day!

[Flossie]

A Calif. newbie

hi

Hi Crimson,

Well I`m pleased you wasn`t mean to anybody

Well done to you, its like climbing a mountain I know but we`ll beat this won`t we !!

Luv Flo x

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

Well, I did drink at the dinner party -- and it was the most fabulously debauched affair, so it wasn't sad drinking. But the next morning, back on the horse. I'm having my own "Biggest Loser" boot camp (only 30 lbs). So I went to my circuit training class twice yesterday and today, also ran 3 miles both days and did the elliptical.

It's amazing how transferring boredom and inertia to something really healthy like this circuit training class has been (it includes 3x daily sessions with a PhD physiologist, who measures you every other week, and has you send in what you ate, your energy level, what exercise you did, and five things for which you're grateful, every day). That stuff has made me SO aware of how I'm treating myself -- especially when I take an honest look not only at how much I have been drinking, but also the calories. Did you know a bottle of wine has 675 calories? But also, I now have this wonderful local community (gym is across the street) of healthy minded people.

On a hilarious and "thank god that wasn't me" note, a gal pal and I stopped after lunch to use the ladies' room at the restaurant. Their manager was standing in the door, and we could see it was flooded, with smashed porcelain everywhere. It literally looked like a bomb hit it. Turns out a very large lady slid off the john and got wedged between wall and toilet, with naked butt sticking up in the air and her head twisted the other way under the tank. A team of firefighters first tried sliding her out with olive oil, and then had to tear down the stall and smash the toilet.

Of all the embarrassing situations I've created for myself, I've never had one remotely that much so! Poor lady! Poor firefighters!

[Flossie]

A Calif. newbie

hi

Hi Crimsons,

Nice to hear from you again.

OOh that poor lady, I would have been mortified had that been me.

Loosing weight as well as giving up AL, you are determined to have a new you aren`t you lol.

I am very strict with my diet and am very careful not to eat the wrong things for weight gain but I couldn`t have given a hoot how many calories I poured down my neck, how stange, mind you I have given up AL eaten less AND put on weight so I am not a happy bunny as in my reckoning I should have lost tons

Anyway you take care

Luv Flo

[greeneyes]

A Calif. newbie

Hi crimson... just wanted to say hello & :welcome:

You'll be so glad to make this change in your life - I wanted to point you to a couple threads you might find helpful in navigating a plan and challenges.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...lan-41280.html

[crimsons]

A Calif. newbie

Oh boy, I've just been on another weeklong bender here at Venice Beach. I am really getting nothing done and must be destroying my innards. I think DG suggested I come up with a plan. I'm going to go down to something called the Optimal Health Institute in San Diego for a couple of weeks. I think that will get me cleaned up and thinking in the right direction.

[Doggygirl]

A Calif. newbie

Hi Crimsons. A couple weeks in a health oriented place where there will be no AL available sounds good. I would also suggest a very detailed plan for when you are back home. I don't know anyone who has licked this thing by going away from home for 2 weeks, then come back magically fixed.

Upthread, you mentioned anonymity. I was super sensitive and fearful about that for a long time. I never really stopped to think about the rediculously embarrasing and stupid things I was doing in public while drinking. There is a woman in my town running for mayor right now. She has held public office for several years on the city council. There are a couple of big parties in our town every year that bring out all the big shots. She gets drunker than a skunk there every time. When I think about being embarrassed to be seen at an AA meeting with sober people, I also have to think about that. How many times did I do what she does and make an ass out of myself?

Just sayin....

I haven't ended up stuck on a toilet with paramedics trying to olive oil me out. But I've done some pretty embarrasing stuff while drinking. So I just try to not be embarrassed about ANYTHING I do that is related to staying sober.

FWIW.

DG