I am 31 years old. I grew up in a fairly typical family; two siblings, a mother and an alcoholic father. My father became disabled when I was 9, and my mother when I was 12, both due to accidents while on the job. My dad typically drank about a 1/5th a night and then went to sleep. He was a great father otherwise, never abusive or mean. With their disabilities came lots of money hardships. As a result, they began doing foster care. My mother took on way more than she could handle. She would go out of town to stay with family for days at a time leaving the rest of the family to care for the foster kids. I do not believe she realized the effect. Anyway, when I was 16, my parents started church, were saved and my dad stopped drinking cold-turkey. Life was consistent and manageable for the next couple of years.
At 17, I began dating the man I am now blessed to call my husband. At 18, I moved out on my own. I lived less than 250 yards from my parents, but it was my place and it was freedom! About that time, I began drinking. Socially, likely because of my age, I could not get more. We drank on weekends with friends. I always drank to get drunk, not black out drunk, but drunk. In addition, we smoked pot on occasion. I didn't take to pot quickly, but eventually, I became an every day smoker. I smoked each evening when I got home from work and most of the day on the weekends.
My amazing husband and I were married at 21 and lived what I would call a comfortable happy life. I pursued and received a master's degree in Special Education and had a decent job in my field. I was content...or so I thought. I still drank every weekend with the intent of getting drunk and smoked consistently taking few breaks from pot. This continued throughout my twenties. Around the age of 29, I began pursuing a promotion to executive director of my agency. This pursuit lasted 1.5 years. They interviewed over 100 candidates always coming back to me as most experienced and qualified. I had two interviews during that period. In the end, they chose someone else. I was devastated. The stress of pursuing the promotion, being without an executive director and me attempting to take leadership in the interim were detrimental on my mental state and my ability to cope with life. I neglected my friends, family and husband. I retreated further into myself. I began to drink more frequently with increased quantities and continued with pot. I also abused prescription medications from time to time. On two occasions, I actually had a seizure due to taking too much pain medication... My life had already become unmanageable. Disgustingly, I was not yet prepared to recognize it.
During July of 2010, things began to progressively spiral out of control. I found myself drinking several nights a week. It was typically a couple glasses of wine or a couple shots, but it was frequent. My husband attempted to deter me foreseeing the future. As time continued and I made no changes, my drinking worsened. In September and October I actually drank at work on three separate occasions, that I remember. It was then I thought this "might" be a problem. In October, I resigned my position scorned and miserable. I had let the job become my everything and I had nothing left. I had lost all that was me.
I had attained a new job before my resignation, paying a little less than the one I resigned hoping for better circumstances. I had a two week break between the resignation and my new job. I drank every day. I started around 10-11am and continued until time to sober up before my husband came home. Shameful, I know... I would cook dinner and try to put on a happy face. My husband knew I was falling apart. I was consumed with guilt, lies, deceit, self-pity and self-loathing. It was destroying me. The only solace I could find was when I was drunk. I was hiding alcohol around the house hoping he would not find me out thinking I could get away with it. When I was confronted, I lied. I knew I was on a road to self-destruction, but I was in constant denial and consumed with all those horrible feelings that kept me in the cycle.
I started the new job...After about day 3, I began drinking at work most days. I continued with the feelings of hatred toward myself as well as the lies and deceit. Eventually, my husband banned me from drinking for obvious and good reasons. He removed alcohol from my presence in an attempt to help me gain some control. There were so many fights, so many times I hurt him in ways I never thought I had the capacity to do to him. So many broken promises. I wanted to gain control. Not stop drinking, but gain control... During this time, I wrecked my car twice, not severe, but still. I fell in my driveway drunk and a neighbor had to help me in the house. My husband spent countless hours and sleepless nights in worry and deep sadness. I continued with my selfish and inconsiderate behavior. There were a couple ER visits, one ending in a 3 day stay in rehab. I came out with a new resolve to stop the madness. On two occasions, I resorted to drinking rubbing alcohol because I could not access liquor. :upset::upset::upset: The last of the two being Thanksgiving day... I began the meal, drank the alcohol and my husband knew. I had to cancel Thanksgiving dinner, try to explain and rationalize my insanity and I couldn't. I honestly couldn't. I made no sense to me either. I did not want to die. I just wanted some relief from the feelings. The next day, I checked myself in to rehab again. This time for a 6 day stay. I was committed. I participated in everything possible to try to gain control. I attended every group, talked to the counselor whenever possible and journaled constantly, all the while praying. I came out again, with the resolve and a sincere promise that I would stop. I attended AA meetings occasionally and tried to understand this problem.
Things would be better for a few days, then it all started again. The same cycle would repeat. The deceit, the lies, the devastation to my husband, the regret, the remorse, the resolve to not drink and the sincere promise to stop. This continued to happen. Finally, I was given an ultimatum...if I drank again without being honest with my husband, we would separate for a period of time until I could get clean. This was the scariest thing I had ever faced. Under no circumstances did I want that to happen. I would do anything to avoid that. He was the constant I could always count on. To live without him for any amount of time was imaginable. Well, because I had not yet realized I had no control and would NEVER have any control, you all know what happened. This continued for 5 times. Believe it or not, 5 times, my husband being the amazing, devoted and compassionate man he is, forgave me and gave me another opportunity. He simply wanted his wife back. He did/does not know how to help me.
I ended up resigning one job, got another better job, drank on that job as well. I actually drove 4.5 hours away from my home for training and showed up so drunk, my boss had to find me and take me to my hotel. Deservingly so, I lost that job. Within two weeks, I had another job. I was so fortunate. Words can not explain. It was simply God. I actually made it 35 days sober. I was feeling great. Yet, I had not hit bottom obviously and unbelievably. I made it two weeks at the new job, and on a Tuesday, I decided I would have a bit to drink on my way home. My husband knew. He ALWAYS knows. Truly remorseful and devastated, I vowed no more...to start over. The next day, I did the same thing...then lied about the quantity. The next day I drank at work...They knew. The following day, I was asked to resign. They were much kinder than I deserved. I drank that day too. My devastated and demoralized husband had to come pick me up from work due to being drunk. I was so drunk that I was indescribably mean to him. This had happened on a couple of other occasions. But, not like this. I was demon-like. I never thought I had it in me to treat him this way. Despite all his love, devotion and forgiveness, I continued to be a horrible wife full of deceit unable to hold my end of our bargain. The most important relationship in my life has been irreversibly affected. This time, there was no way he could not follow through with the agreement we made, the one I had agreed to. We must separate so I can hit bottom. This last week, I have been there, at bottom. We have been moving our belongings of 10 years together into a storage unit. We are going to live in separate locations for a while to ensure that I can stay sober. He has not yet given up if you can imagine that, but he is so tired and heart-broken. This is all my fault and I take full responsibility. I would give anything if my bottom could have came before now, before causing so much hurt and pain, especially to him. I anticipate the next few months to be the hardest of my life. There will be significant changes, most of all, not being with him. I am so scared. However, I know better than anything I have ever known, that drinking will only make things worse. If I have any hope of being happy in my life, I can not drink. Under no circumstances do I want to hurt him anymore. Nor, do I want to feel these continued feelings of self-loathing.
My plan: I will be attending AA everyday at least once. This forum will be a life-line. I actually got a sponsor and I have admitted my problem to everyone I know. I have given this to God and I do not intend to pick it up again. I have requested prayers from everyone I can and I will be attending church as often as possible. I will be staying with a friend, praying my husband does not give up and find the peace of not worrying about me constantly to comfortable. You will see my frequently on the boards as I have tons of questions. I ask for your insight and your experience.
Thank you for letting me share my story. And thank you for these boards.
At 17, I began dating the man I am now blessed to call my husband. At 18, I moved out on my own. I lived less than 250 yards from my parents, but it was my place and it was freedom! About that time, I began drinking. Socially, likely because of my age, I could not get more. We drank on weekends with friends. I always drank to get drunk, not black out drunk, but drunk. In addition, we smoked pot on occasion. I didn't take to pot quickly, but eventually, I became an every day smoker. I smoked each evening when I got home from work and most of the day on the weekends.
My amazing husband and I were married at 21 and lived what I would call a comfortable happy life. I pursued and received a master's degree in Special Education and had a decent job in my field. I was content...or so I thought. I still drank every weekend with the intent of getting drunk and smoked consistently taking few breaks from pot. This continued throughout my twenties. Around the age of 29, I began pursuing a promotion to executive director of my agency. This pursuit lasted 1.5 years. They interviewed over 100 candidates always coming back to me as most experienced and qualified. I had two interviews during that period. In the end, they chose someone else. I was devastated. The stress of pursuing the promotion, being without an executive director and me attempting to take leadership in the interim were detrimental on my mental state and my ability to cope with life. I neglected my friends, family and husband. I retreated further into myself. I began to drink more frequently with increased quantities and continued with pot. I also abused prescription medications from time to time. On two occasions, I actually had a seizure due to taking too much pain medication... My life had already become unmanageable. Disgustingly, I was not yet prepared to recognize it.
During July of 2010, things began to progressively spiral out of control. I found myself drinking several nights a week. It was typically a couple glasses of wine or a couple shots, but it was frequent. My husband attempted to deter me foreseeing the future. As time continued and I made no changes, my drinking worsened. In September and October I actually drank at work on three separate occasions, that I remember. It was then I thought this "might" be a problem. In October, I resigned my position scorned and miserable. I had let the job become my everything and I had nothing left. I had lost all that was me.
I had attained a new job before my resignation, paying a little less than the one I resigned hoping for better circumstances. I had a two week break between the resignation and my new job. I drank every day. I started around 10-11am and continued until time to sober up before my husband came home. Shameful, I know... I would cook dinner and try to put on a happy face. My husband knew I was falling apart. I was consumed with guilt, lies, deceit, self-pity and self-loathing. It was destroying me. The only solace I could find was when I was drunk. I was hiding alcohol around the house hoping he would not find me out thinking I could get away with it. When I was confronted, I lied. I knew I was on a road to self-destruction, but I was in constant denial and consumed with all those horrible feelings that kept me in the cycle.
I started the new job...After about day 3, I began drinking at work most days. I continued with the feelings of hatred toward myself as well as the lies and deceit. Eventually, my husband banned me from drinking for obvious and good reasons. He removed alcohol from my presence in an attempt to help me gain some control. There were so many fights, so many times I hurt him in ways I never thought I had the capacity to do to him. So many broken promises. I wanted to gain control. Not stop drinking, but gain control... During this time, I wrecked my car twice, not severe, but still. I fell in my driveway drunk and a neighbor had to help me in the house. My husband spent countless hours and sleepless nights in worry and deep sadness. I continued with my selfish and inconsiderate behavior. There were a couple ER visits, one ending in a 3 day stay in rehab. I came out with a new resolve to stop the madness. On two occasions, I resorted to drinking rubbing alcohol because I could not access liquor. :upset::upset::upset: The last of the two being Thanksgiving day... I began the meal, drank the alcohol and my husband knew. I had to cancel Thanksgiving dinner, try to explain and rationalize my insanity and I couldn't. I honestly couldn't. I made no sense to me either. I did not want to die. I just wanted some relief from the feelings. The next day, I checked myself in to rehab again. This time for a 6 day stay. I was committed. I participated in everything possible to try to gain control. I attended every group, talked to the counselor whenever possible and journaled constantly, all the while praying. I came out again, with the resolve and a sincere promise that I would stop. I attended AA meetings occasionally and tried to understand this problem.
Things would be better for a few days, then it all started again. The same cycle would repeat. The deceit, the lies, the devastation to my husband, the regret, the remorse, the resolve to not drink and the sincere promise to stop. This continued to happen. Finally, I was given an ultimatum...if I drank again without being honest with my husband, we would separate for a period of time until I could get clean. This was the scariest thing I had ever faced. Under no circumstances did I want that to happen. I would do anything to avoid that. He was the constant I could always count on. To live without him for any amount of time was imaginable. Well, because I had not yet realized I had no control and would NEVER have any control, you all know what happened. This continued for 5 times. Believe it or not, 5 times, my husband being the amazing, devoted and compassionate man he is, forgave me and gave me another opportunity. He simply wanted his wife back. He did/does not know how to help me.
I ended up resigning one job, got another better job, drank on that job as well. I actually drove 4.5 hours away from my home for training and showed up so drunk, my boss had to find me and take me to my hotel. Deservingly so, I lost that job. Within two weeks, I had another job. I was so fortunate. Words can not explain. It was simply God. I actually made it 35 days sober. I was feeling great. Yet, I had not hit bottom obviously and unbelievably. I made it two weeks at the new job, and on a Tuesday, I decided I would have a bit to drink on my way home. My husband knew. He ALWAYS knows. Truly remorseful and devastated, I vowed no more...to start over. The next day, I did the same thing...then lied about the quantity. The next day I drank at work...They knew. The following day, I was asked to resign. They were much kinder than I deserved. I drank that day too. My devastated and demoralized husband had to come pick me up from work due to being drunk. I was so drunk that I was indescribably mean to him. This had happened on a couple of other occasions. But, not like this. I was demon-like. I never thought I had it in me to treat him this way. Despite all his love, devotion and forgiveness, I continued to be a horrible wife full of deceit unable to hold my end of our bargain. The most important relationship in my life has been irreversibly affected. This time, there was no way he could not follow through with the agreement we made, the one I had agreed to. We must separate so I can hit bottom. This last week, I have been there, at bottom. We have been moving our belongings of 10 years together into a storage unit. We are going to live in separate locations for a while to ensure that I can stay sober. He has not yet given up if you can imagine that, but he is so tired and heart-broken. This is all my fault and I take full responsibility. I would give anything if my bottom could have came before now, before causing so much hurt and pain, especially to him. I anticipate the next few months to be the hardest of my life. There will be significant changes, most of all, not being with him. I am so scared. However, I know better than anything I have ever known, that drinking will only make things worse. If I have any hope of being happy in my life, I can not drink. Under no circumstances do I want to hurt him anymore. Nor, do I want to feel these continued feelings of self-loathing.
My plan: I will be attending AA everyday at least once. This forum will be a life-line. I actually got a sponsor and I have admitted my problem to everyone I know. I have given this to God and I do not intend to pick it up again. I have requested prayers from everyone I can and I will be attending church as often as possible. I will be staying with a friend, praying my husband does not give up and find the peace of not worrying about me constantly to comfortable. You will see my frequently on the boards as I have tons of questions. I ask for your insight and your experience.
Thank you for letting me share my story. And thank you for these boards.
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