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[hopesprings]

Hi all,
Hopefully today will be the day. My story is common to what I've read in many threads on this site. Today (well, technically yesterday) I woke up with a monster hangover and cursed myself yet again. I managed to polish off a bottle of vodka and while I didn't feel overly sick or vomiting or anything like that, I was really scattered and shaky. I was also thinking some really bad things about myself and how I have wasted my life drinking and what a waste of space that I am. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that it occured to me that I actually had the DT's, and for some reason that realisation finally made me admit I have a problem with alcohol. After that I went online and found you guys. The things I have read here have made me realise that I am not alone in my behaviour, but also my desire to change it.

I am 37 with 2 kids and separated from their father. I have been a heavy drinker since my teens, but since my separation, there has been barely a sober night in 6 months. I struggle with depression and bad self image, and alcohol has long been my crutch. I guess now it is no longer feeling like my crutch, and more like the thing holding me back, the thing that will ultimately kill me.

I guess my reluctance to ever acknowledge I have a problem with alcohol stems from the fact that I have always held down a steady professional job, have never drunk-driven, the type of things that usually typify an alcoholic. What I have come to realise is that while it satisfies the craving in the short-term, it is also causing the problems that make me want to drink in the first place - a vicious cycle.

Thanks for providing this forum where these issues can be dealt with and worked through - it certainly has provided me with the knowledge that I am not alone and the hope that I can one day be proud of myself once again.

[Chillgirl]

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:welcome: Hopesprings!
Im delighted you found us, this place is a Godsend and you will get lots of encouragement and support. Have you checked out the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html there are lots of great tips in there. What you describe is a "fuctioning alcoholic", i too held down a job and got to the gym most days but on the inside I was dying and the fuctioning was almost my punishment to myself. Like you I started in my teens, was a heavy binger then moving onto nightly drinking for years. Please know that you can change all this, I did, and if I can, anyone can! I found the site my mistake and could not believe that there were all these people out there who understood how i felt! It was utterly wonderful!

Work at putting a plan together to cope with the "witching hours" when you usually start drinking and see how you can avoid the normal triggers. Keep reading and posting and together we can do this.

[Doggygirl]

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:welcome: Hopesprings! I love that screen name. Yes, there is definitely hope!

I can relate to a number of things in your story. I remember being in my mid to late 30's and desparately wanting to believe I was NOT alcoholic, and justifying that belief by the fact that I had no DUI's, had never lost a job / home / family, etc. as a consequence of drinking. Refusing to see the truth back then only led to more years of alcoholic drinking, and a continued lessening of my ability to fully function as a human being.

I can also relate to your description of being a waste of space. I got to a place with drinking in my 40's where I didn't want to drink any more, but couldn't stop. I couldn't see myself living with alcohol, and I couldn't see myself living without it. I started collecting pills, and I consider that to be my bottom. I really wanted to end it.

I am so grateful I did not. Getting sober has not been easy, but I have my life back now. I am out in the world living, meeting new people, trying new things. My life isn't perfect today, but I love it. I love working on myself to become a better person inside and out. Alcohol took all that away from me. But I had a chance to get it all back and so do you.

I got my start on the road to sobriety by reading the My Way Out book from the health store here. I ordered the Starter Kit and took all the supplements, followed the diet and exercise recommendations, and listened to the hypnosis CD's. (I did not take Topamax - that's the one part of the program I opted out of after reading a lot of people's experience here about it). I spent nearly every waking moment on this forum at one time. That was better than drinking. I now have incorporated other sobriety tools into my program such as AA. There are a lot of tools out there and I would encourage you to just try things until you find what works for your way out.

This is a good thread to read. Toolbox

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[hopesprings]

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Chillgirl, thanks for that tip - having a drink is at the back of my mind most of the time, but my witching hour is definitely mid afternoon when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel of the working day. I will have to have a think about what I can do at around this time.

Doggygirl, thanks also for your post. I'm given strength by the thought that one day I can function normally again and have my life back. I'm planning on taking the supplements in the hope they will help the process.

hopesprings

[one2many]

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Thanks so much for sharing Hope, (great name by the way)


You are certainly not alone and we are all here for each other. I hope you stick around and look forward to hearing from you x

[Jolie]

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Hope - Welcome - so glad you have found MWO. Lots of good advice and support here. We are all here because at some level, our drinking has taken over our lives. For those of us that feel like we are "functioning" alcoholics who seem fine to the outside world, we are only fooling ourselves. I think for us, however, we make excuses since we don't see ourselves as the "typical drunk" and that's why it make take us longer to admit we have a problem and need help.

Keep posting and reading - you have now become part of a really special family and we hope you will stick around and get to know us!

[Guitarista]

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Hi Hope Spring's,

Thank's for sharing your story. You have come to a great site, which like Chilli, i too found by accident, and am very grateful that i did. Plenty to read here, and lot's of great info/support, and amazing people. You will likely see yourself in many other's' stories here. You are not alone, and you can turn this time wasting, soul sucking masquerade on it's head. I was a 24/7 drinker eventually, and if i can do it, anyone bloody can.

Best wishes on your journey.

Greg.

[hopesprings]

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Ric devil;1093140 wrote: Hello friends. I want to tell you a real story. I love my cousin very much and she was also love me but after some time she leave me without any reason. Why? I always think why? I do not have any idea and answer of this. This is my short but painful story. Please friends tell me why it happened . Why someone leave us when we love someone a lot. Reply soon. Thanks

WTF??
Is that supposed to be funny?

[hippie37]

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hope, don't be disheartened by what is clearly an attention seeking post by another member here. You have to be aware and respectful that a forum like this will have many people on it who are still struggling to come to terms with their drinking problem. There will also be those that are still not willing to admit they have a problem and are looking for an easy way out.

Stick with the winners here, those who are really putting effort into their sobriety. Whether they're one day sober or multiple years sober you can usually tell by reading people's comments how committed they are to doing something about their drinking and wanting change in their lives. Take what you need from this forum and leave the rest behind you. But don't be fooled into thinking that this forum will not have it's share of people still suffering and posting 'against the grain' of things. That's all part of dealing with life and people in it without the usual crutch of alcohol though. Life on life's terms as they say!!

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

Many Blessings
Phil

[hopesprings]

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Thanks hippie, I guess the last thing I expected when I found you guys was to be made fun of. Sort of cuts to the quick, you know? It takes a lot to spill your guts after being in denial for so long and smart-ass comments don't exactly raise the confidence level. thanks for reassuring me that all is still good (mostly) in the land of WMO.:thanks:

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

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Hi Hope, I also love your positive choice of name. May I offer you a big welcome and echo the sentiments of the previous posters, with the exception of the confused person. You have found a great place here.
Keep safe
KTAB

[hopesprings]

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thanks ktab, I'm not one to put myself out there very readily (that's probably most of my problem) and so its been easier to sit at home and drink by myself so I don't have to relate to people.

General question: Is it a big deal for others to open up - even online?
HS

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

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Its like anywhere else in life you get people who are very open and others who are very private. Personally I have always been a very private person and not a good mixer. I suppose that comes down to a lack of social skills which years of alcohol abuse cant have helped, doent do a great deal for our self esteem either.
It is much easier here to open up because of three things imo, firstly the anonymity and secondly the fact that people here truly understand what its like to be caught on the never ending merry-go-round of drinking/hangovers/regrets etc. that way that people, no matter how well intentioned, can never do unless they too are alcoholics (not keen on that tag btw) Thirdly people dont judge because we dont have that right.
I have met quite a few people from the site outside of here since I joined and have made friends I know will be there for life, for many of them I have bared my soul to. Thats the way it works for me.
Do stick around, I hope you find your way out.

[Hippy Chick]

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Hi Hope.

Welcome. Glad you found us. I have always found it hard to talk to people face to face so this is a fantastic place for me. I find I can be completely honest because apart from the fact that no-one knows me (in real life), I think it is easier to say what I really feel being able to write it down and if it doesnt come out right, I can delete it and start again.
Sometimes I worry about saying the wrong thing or giving too much information but I think if I admit to doing something it may help someone to know they are not the only one.
So feel free to say what you need to without shame or regret. We are all here for the same reason.
Good luck with your journey
Hippy Chick

[Doggygirl]

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hopesprings;1094060 wrote: thanks ktab, I'm not one to put myself out there very readily (that's probably most of my problem) and so its been easier to sit at home and drink by myself so I don't have to relate to people.

General question: Is it a big deal for others to open up - even online?
HS

Hi again hope. When I remember back to my years of drinking, there was always secrecy involved for me. Even before I reached a point where all I wanted to do was drink alone, I still suffered greatly - all within my own head - trying to figure out how to control my alcohol problem, how to hide it from people, etc. It was very hard at first to be open about all this stuff. So much guilt and shame and self-blame, etc.

Once I got started spilling the truth, and finding out that other people had the same experiences, it was such a huge relief. The chance to come here every day and share honestly is still a huge relief. It's like coming out of the darkness and into the light for me.

And here, we have the added benefit of complete anonymity. Nobody ever has to know who we are in real life unless we reach a point where we want to share that.

So yes - you are not alone feeling uncomfortable about opening up at this point I don't think.

DG