Hello All,
I?m still going along quite nicely on the path of moderation, having only a few drinks every month or so. After 20 + years of heavy and unhealthy consumption I didn?t think it was possible but yes it is and so far I?m going strong. However on this particular day I miss al and want to share my reasons why.
I miss my youth. That must sound like such a colossal whine but it?s the truth. I miss the days when I could drink and smoke and never think of the consequences. That may sound very disordered but please hear me out.
I miss the days when there was no such thing as a hangover, or the associated guilt of having too many drinks or of my behavior when I drank. I miss being able to wake up the next day fresh as a daisy and never feeling tired or sick or worry that I may have embarrassed myself under the influence. Alcohol used to be fun once and something to be used merely as social lubricant. Somewhere along the line, that all changed when in my late 20?s, I had to face the fact that al began to use me.
The music (I was a musician), social life, friends I was not to shy to make and wild abandon is what I miss. Can I still have them? In a word..No not really because my 41 year old body and mind yields the consequences of my actions to stop me short thank god. It?s all very funny when you?re 20 but becomes just downright sad when you?re in you're 40's. For those of you who can in some way relate, the al free version is not really the same. I should at this point, state that I unequivocal that I understand and appreciate what I?ve gained in my moderation but every now and then in my quiet times? I look back without regret and would like to be that girl again minus the downward spiral. I would not have been everyone?s cup of tea back then but I was so carefree by nature and lived my life to the fullest, one moment at a time. I had to grow up sometime right? but why is that when I took responsibility for my life, the fun stopped? What is it I?m missing?
I haven?t forgotten about what happened next. I haven?t forgotten about the hell that ensued, the physical debilitation, the hospitals, the horrific detox and the medication, the embarrassment. I haven?t forgotten the career that I stuffed up because I became an alcoholic or the relationships I lost in the process. I have a very clear view of the fact that I saved my own health and sanity by kicking al for the most part, to the curb. It?s the best thing I?ve ever done but the memories of a different time remain. I need to find a balance and some useful perspective.
Obviously this post is not for those just starting out or those in crises and so I?ve posted it here, hoping to just have an opportunity to vent. On this particular day, I miss my youth and alcohol was a part of it. It?s a precarious dance I do today. Some would say that I?m romancing a mirage of events but no, it was that good AND then soooo bad. Surely I can?t be the only one to feel this way?
Please don?t see me as superficial. I?m on a journey just like you and this is part of my story in progress.
I?m still going along quite nicely on the path of moderation, having only a few drinks every month or so. After 20 + years of heavy and unhealthy consumption I didn?t think it was possible but yes it is and so far I?m going strong. However on this particular day I miss al and want to share my reasons why.
I miss my youth. That must sound like such a colossal whine but it?s the truth. I miss the days when I could drink and smoke and never think of the consequences. That may sound very disordered but please hear me out.
I miss the days when there was no such thing as a hangover, or the associated guilt of having too many drinks or of my behavior when I drank. I miss being able to wake up the next day fresh as a daisy and never feeling tired or sick or worry that I may have embarrassed myself under the influence. Alcohol used to be fun once and something to be used merely as social lubricant. Somewhere along the line, that all changed when in my late 20?s, I had to face the fact that al began to use me.
The music (I was a musician), social life, friends I was not to shy to make and wild abandon is what I miss. Can I still have them? In a word..No not really because my 41 year old body and mind yields the consequences of my actions to stop me short thank god. It?s all very funny when you?re 20 but becomes just downright sad when you?re in you're 40's. For those of you who can in some way relate, the al free version is not really the same. I should at this point, state that I unequivocal that I understand and appreciate what I?ve gained in my moderation but every now and then in my quiet times? I look back without regret and would like to be that girl again minus the downward spiral. I would not have been everyone?s cup of tea back then but I was so carefree by nature and lived my life to the fullest, one moment at a time. I had to grow up sometime right? but why is that when I took responsibility for my life, the fun stopped? What is it I?m missing?
I haven?t forgotten about what happened next. I haven?t forgotten about the hell that ensued, the physical debilitation, the hospitals, the horrific detox and the medication, the embarrassment. I haven?t forgotten the career that I stuffed up because I became an alcoholic or the relationships I lost in the process. I have a very clear view of the fact that I saved my own health and sanity by kicking al for the most part, to the curb. It?s the best thing I?ve ever done but the memories of a different time remain. I need to find a balance and some useful perspective.
Obviously this post is not for those just starting out or those in crises and so I?ve posted it here, hoping to just have an opportunity to vent. On this particular day, I miss my youth and alcohol was a part of it. It?s a precarious dance I do today. Some would say that I?m romancing a mirage of events but no, it was that good AND then soooo bad. Surely I can?t be the only one to feel this way?
Please don?t see me as superficial. I?m on a journey just like you and this is part of my story in progress.
wl:
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