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    Here I am......

    Have loitered a bit quietly after finding the site...then started to add my 5 cents to some threads...now feel like I'm ready to bare the soul.

    I am a 36 year old woman who started drinking at 15. From the very first moment I drank, I had to have more and more and more...one is definitely never enough for me. The one period in my life I did manage to quit was for 14 months whilst pregnant and breastfeeding. As soon as this period was over though, I was back on the rotten stuff again. Used to fill my face with the cheapest, most harmful cider and drink until I passed out/couldn't buy any more/got kicked out of whatever home or club I was in because of terribly antisocial, violent or morose behaviour. It was then that I made the decision to drink on my own at home. This was a turning point. Wanting to be by myself all the time meant that I lost friendships, hobbies, interests and relationships as my whole energy went into manipulating situations so that I could sit by myself with 2 or 3 bottles of whatever I had managed to get hold of.

    This has carried on through the last twenty years of my life...I have no enthusiasm for anything, or anyone in particular (apart from my daughter...she is the one person who always makes me want to be a healthy woman). I have tried NUMEROUS times to cut down my drinking, but it has been hopeless. I need to be an abstainer...drink is definitely not for me. I have always blamed a rotten childhood (it was a sucky time without a doubt, but plenty of peple have had that without needing to justify then ruining everyone elses life they come into contact with with drunken horrendous, horrendous behaviour), stressful job, lazy/unfaithful/selfish etc etc partner...in fact ANYTHING just to legitimize my inability to stay off the drink. There was always a 'reason'...when people tried to approach me about my drinking and subsequent behaviour, I would react violently, both verbally and physically...guilt fuelling the strange sense of unfairness that I thought I was being treated with...I have shamed myself terribly hundreds of times...real vile horrible stuff that I would rather not go into and had just about given up hope of EVER being a 'normal' person until I found this website.

    It is different than anything I've researched and tried before (and believe me i've been through every form of help thought possible). Reading the threads, slowly getting a handle on the guys that are sharing their thoughts and experiences here is amazing...I am now in danger of having another addiction...the bloomin' MWO forums!!! At least I used to still go into work, even with a raging hangover, now I feel like I could stay here and chat all day...something i haven't wanted to do with any friends for a long time!!

    I'm excited and scared witless by the thought of no more drink, but it really is one day at a time...sort of sounding like a cliche now, but it's soooo true...DON'T think of the future..it's now and every minute and every day that I DON'T pour that first glass of wine down my neck that counts. I'm really looking forward to feeling better, prouder and looking forward to getting a life back..I'm really interested to see what sort of person I really am. I've been an aggresive, negative, selfish little twit for so long (God help me if that's nothing to do with the booze and is just what I am actually like!!!!!!!).

    So, there you go...and here I am...... trying, trying, trying...... and long may it continue

    #2
    Here I am......

    Brava! :wd:
    So much inspiration!

    After too many appaling acts I too chose to drink alone. I figured if I was by myself the only one I could offend would be me - and that's nigh to impossible, evidently. And, now I'm trying to build a life/find a life from the scraps I've left about. And, while I am not there yet, while I can't seem to last more than two weeks AF, I feel that I am on the path to the end of this thing. And, a big reason for that is this site.

    I think what you've done, what you're doing is fantastic. Your resolve comes through, each time.

    Perhaps, we shouldn't look at how far we've to go, we should keep our eyes on where we're going, and be mindful of how far we've come.

    Well done!
    Welcome!
    :thumbs:
    Yah, I know Moderation; I pass it every day on my way to Excess.

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      #3
      Here I am......

      :welcome: weemelonhead ( I have to chuckle at that name)

      I am a the mother of three so I can identify with you. It sounds like you're coming out of a very dark place/time in your life but, I can also see a very distinct sense of humor in your post. A sense of humor and your obvious insight as to your situation will be your saving grace. Utilize these tools and you will be just fine. I look forward to seeing you around and again welcome!
      Sometimes I wonder...."Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.

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        #4
        Here I am......

        Hello there weemelonhead
        This is a great place. I am just starting out on this road and The folks here are fantastic.
        I spend hours here, so I know what you mean about becoming addicted to it....but they are fulfilling hours, not the destructive ones that I am used to.
        Enjoy yourself here and thanks for sharing your story.
        Paul

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          #5
          Here I am......

          Blue, Precious and Paul....thank you muchly guys for a) reading the blog and b) biffing down such positive responses...you're right Paul, the guys here are great...I never seem to spend this much time wanting to connect with peeps in the real world (hopefully that will change now I no longer HAVE to avoid people). Great to see another MWO forum addict, perhaps we could set up an offshoot society...my way out of my way out....hahaha as if!!
          Blue..your comment about it being impossible to offend yourself jerked a string...amazing isn't it? The one person we should like more than any others, and we treat them like a bag of cr*p no respect.
          Precious...thanks for the sense of humour comment...this is the one thing (not sure wether this is good or bad) that has always allowed me to keep the binging hidden from others...'surely no one that 'cheerful' and 'full of life' (HA if only they knew,) could have a problem with drink! From now on it will be a positive side to me, not just one I use as a disguise.
          Once again, thanks guys...it really is hard to say how much every ones support means..I think I need to invent a new dictionary of superlatives and support type words....how about it! You guys are fantabulosowonderfugreatymarvelum (hmmmmm...bit of work needed there I feel!) x

          Comment


            #6
            Here I am......

            Yes, I know.
            Try saying out loud the reason you'll take that drink. How absurd it sounds. But, if you keep it inside, make sense of it inside, it is reason. Same as hiding out to drink. Hiding out to drink is the same as not saying why aloud. Its as absurd. And, the extreme of "letting (your) hair down". Man, if only we took such care of ourselves as we did hiding ourselves, we'd be cured!

            And, you're right, again. Not enough superlatives to describe the support, the generosity, found here.
            I love your name - I'm glad you're here.
            Yah, I know Moderation; I pass it every day on my way to Excess.

            Comment


              #7
              Here I am......

              Hi weemelonhead,

              I can relate to the drinking at home. It's just so much safer for me. Yes I've woken up with bruises and cuts on my head, food all over the place and things broken but that's safer than staggering around the dark streets alone at night on my way back from wherever I'd been, when I look back I've been extremely lucky making my way home.

              And I also think I'm becoming addicted to this site but I just love it. I've learnt so much and I feel that my attitude to drink is changing little by little every day.

              And Precious is right your post is very witty.

              :H

              Kitty
              Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
              Confucius

              Comment


                #8
                Here I am......

                Hi Weemelonhead-Great name by the way.

                I am also 36 and a mother of 3 children. I am trying to find my way as well. I stopped going out in public and kept my drunkeness contained to my home...gee isn't my family lucky? I just didn't want people outside my home to see me being a fool, stumbling, slurring etc. Also didn't want to kill some innocent person trying to get home in a vehicle.

                Glad you are here. Lots of us slip up and get back on track. That's why these boards are so great. I myself am taking the approach of eliminating the booze that rocks my world the most and trying to drink less potent things and less quantity. Working my way to AF.

                Take Care
                "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

                Comment


                  #9
                  Here I am......

                  Weemelonhead! Welcome, Welcome! I'm so glad you found us. As for having another addiction..well, sometimes I really think it's ok to replace a destructive addiction with a productive one...we ALL have some sort of addiction in this culture (especially Americans..I might add..and I'm an American) ..unless you are a highly evolved and master spiritualist...so give yourself a break and keep sharing..you inspired me with your honesty and motivation...
                  Di
                  (married, mother of 3, grandmother of 4)

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