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    How? How? How?

    I keep getting asked "how" have I stayed sober for 130 days. I had sent this e-mail to someone on the board and decided to share it with you guys. Being sober for me is way more than just putting down the drink--it has been an awesome journey thus far.

    Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Helping another person with a drinking a problem is and never will be considered "taking up my time". I am grateful for every sober second I get. I really can't give you any advice other than to tell you my story--short version.

    I noticed that my drinking was becoming a problem around the age of 28 (I am 35 now). I am sure it was before this, but this is when I started to "get an idea" that it was a problem. My drinking was becoming the center of my life. Then I got pregnant and did not drink for 9 months. A few days after coming home from the hospital I started back up. We had decided that my husband would stay home with the baby instead of daycare. This enabled me to continue. When my son was about 9 months old I had an awful panic attack while driving to work--I did not drive on a freeway again (and I am in freaking sales!) until I got pregnant with my second son. The day I found out I was pregnant with my second son--I literally did a dance in the bathroom--because I knew it would keep me from drinking for 9 months. This time the very day we came home from the hospital I drank. With my husband being a stay-at-home Dad--I was able to keep drinking with relatively few consequences. I never drank before 5pm, never got in trouble at work, got a DUI or drank hard liquor (not even mixed fruity drinks). In January of 2004 I had enough and went to AA for 7 months--and did not drink. I also spent most of my time disagreeing with everything in my head and did not work any steps past 3. After 7 months I decided that I didn't "need" those meetings. At 9 months I had my first drink--this was in November of 2004. I actually moderated (if that is what you call it) for quite some time. I would have 2 or 3 drinks every couple of weeks. I remember being amazed at the massive headaches I would have in the morning after just 2 drinks--good Lord how had I ever drank so much before! I promised my husband that if it got bad again I would head straight back to AA. I was classic, after a few drinks I could tell you every single false myth about AA--and back it up that I knew--because I had been there before. I can't tell you when or how it got bad again. I do know that by July of 2005 I was in deep again. How much did I drink (it was always light beer)? It really varied. Some nights 2, some 0 and some 20. Then in March of 2006 I went back to AA. Stayed about 45 days (did not drink)--and left and drank. Then on August 3rd I had an awful night. I spent the entire next day curled on a chair--sick, ashamed and just hating myself. August 5th--I went back to AA. This time I didn't care if I spent the rest of my life in a church basement. I had to admit that when I went to meetings I didn't drink--don't know why--just didn't. This time I sat next to the people who had what I wanted--long term sobriety. I listened to what they said without judgment--which meant not disagreeing with every little thing. I did the things they asked me to do and I continue to do that. My last real thought of drinking was about 45 days into it. The kids were screaming and the house was a mess. I was over taken with the urge to drink. For the first time in my life--I prayed for God to please help me get rid of this feeling. I called my sponsor. In less than 5 minutes this awesome peace came over me--and I have not wanted a drink since. I have been to drinking events--my mouth does not water and I don't think poor me. I blew through the steps--knowing that if I did them wrong my sponsor would direct me--and I can always go back and do them again. It was Gina on the board who told me that 90% of the people who do the steps stay sober. I didn't have anything to lose. Going to meetings, having an awesome sponsor, listening, asking for help, doing the steps and helping others has been the difference. Now if I start to feel a little bit off I go to a meeting--I always feel awesome when I leave. Even if I had not drank--if I didn't do these things--I would not be happy and most likely on my way to my next drink. I have a constant peace and happiness that I can not describe. I don't need supplements or medication to have this feeling that comes from the inside out. I have made some awesome friends--and I went to a party where it was all AA women--and I had a great time--and can't remember when I had truly laughed so much. A place where I don't have to hide who I am or who I was. They like me anyways. I can not tell you why or how the program works--all logic would say that it doesn't--it does--at least for me. If you had told me even six months ago that I would have anything remotely like this to say about AA--I would have outright laughed at you.

    Was I cranky for awhile-yep! I have a very understanding husband that put up with me. When did it change and get better? A little tiny bit each day. As far as being in a great "head" space--I try not to listen to my brain too much--it told me lies for too long. Instead I am in awesome place with every fiber of my being.

    That is my story. Now I would not change one single miserable moment of my drinking. Without walking through my hell--I would not be as grateful as I am today.

    I hope that this helps. If it ever gets so bad that you are truly done (and I mean on the inside--on the outside my life looked great)--always know that the hand of AA will be there. For a long time I could not figure out why these people were so willing to help me--it is because someone was there to help them. I hope that someday I can be there holding out my hand when someone needs it.

    Kim

    One of the free gifts I get by being sober is from my kids. When I started meetings I told them I was going to "Mommy Meetings" so that I could be a good mommy. Just recently about 5x a day I get "Mommy you are the best mommy ever!" When I tell them I am leaving for a meeting--they tell me to have a good time. I used to think that I didn't have time for meetings-I work full time-have 2 small kids. The truth is that the 3 hours a week I spend there is priceless--since it truly gives me back those hours--no more laying on the couch because I am sick from the night before.

    #2
    How? How? How?

    Kim,
    I admire you for your courage in sharing your story, and what may be an unpopular method (here anyways) of recovery. You have come such a LONG way in such a short time. It is so evident in your posts and by talking to you that you have come to grips with this condition and are proactively turning your life around for the better. I believe you are grateful for where you are and what it took to get there. God bless you.

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      #3
      How? How? How?

      ...oh and by the way, Kim, I want what you have!!

      Comment


        #4
        How? How? How?

        ME TOO, Gina!!

        Kim, you ARE helping people already. You have helped me tremendously. It does not seem that long ago that you and I would talk... both pretty drunk.... or one of us was and the other not. Now we are both striving toward sobriety and you seem years ahead of me!
        You have achieved rookie sponsor status in my eyes . I appreciate everything you've done for me and everyone else here who needs help.

        Love you,

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          #5
          How? How? How?

          Kim,
          Thanks so much for sharing that. I remember what a great conversation we had back in March, and you were going for this goal. You are now inspiring me tremendously. Could you continue to post about specifics that were helpful to you along the way? (like what you did - almost a diary -- as if you dont have enough else to do... ) Just little things that were HUGE for you.

          Thanks!
          Allie
          What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

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            #6
            How? How? How?

            the little things

            I went to a meeting. I didn't drink and went to more meetings. Then I didn't drink and I went to more meetings. Got a sponsor. Didn't drink and went to more meetings. Opened my ears and listened to what they said and did the things they said they did. Like doing the steps and actually reading the book. Didn't drink and went to meetings. It is the hardest and simplist thing you can do if you want to quit drinking.

            Before I didn't think I had the time to do all this meeting stuff. I can tell you that I get back the time I invest in AA tenfold. I have so much more time for the really important things than I ever had.

            It is simple. It is only hard if you make it that way. This go around I was too pooped out to try it my way--which never really worked anyways. And I ended up finding out their way works better, easier and is simplier.

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              #7
              How? How? How?

              Rarely have WE seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path. That's what it says in How IT works in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I applaud you for your courage and attitude. With God, the 12 steps of AA, a bit of willingness, and a couple other things I have limitless expansion in my life. The sky is the limit. It sounds like you are on the journey. We as REAL alcoholics suffer from 3 things. A physical allergy, a mental obsession, and a spiritual malady. Once I knew what an alcoholic really was and what i was combating it made it easier to treat. The Big Book is my text book in life. The 12 steps are a great way to live in ANY situation. It's amazing how powerful the mind is. Reading alot of these stories here actually and honestly has me baffled a bit. The whole moderation thing is a frightening thought to ME as a Real alcoholic. No REAL alcoholic EVER regains control IMO. I have tried everything. Reminds me of a woman who years ago did some recovery thing with moderation and then went out and killed someone. I know my alcoholic mind will tell me whatever it is I want to believe. I try to remember NOT to judge and to keep an open mind. It's tough sometimes. Damn ego and Pride gets in the way.....

              I liken my alcoholism to this....Once you take a cucumber and turn it into a pickle you can NEVER return it back to a cucumber. I have crossed the line and know I will be an alcoholic for life.

              Today that is OK. I have the SOLUTION. Thank GOD I didnt quit before the MIRACLE happened.

              I wouldnt change the way my life is today for all the money in the world.

              Kim you are an inspiration to me and to others. If you truly want ALL the gifts this thing has to offer continue to seek God, work the steps and most importantly give this GIFT away that you were so freely given.

              Holy Smokes working another alcoholic thru the steps and watching them come to life is the greatest thing in the world.

              Once again congrats. If you ever need an ear remember Ima willing....

              Comment


                #8
                How? How? How?

                thanks

                Thanks so much to everyone.

                Ima--it is so true if I want what they have I need to do what they did. It is like if I asked someone how they got those buff abs--I would need to do what they did to get them.

                The throughly part always got me--couldn't I just do the parts I liked? That got me no where. Once I could get past my brain telling me lies--I have found that the steps are not hard at all. Rather painless really.

                After trying all different sorts of things---I have found this to be the easiest and simplist to get the result I wanted. Funny though--I got way more than I wanted--its all those freebies that comes with it.

                This is one gift that I am never returning again--but willing to give it away freely to anyone who wants it. AA is not for those who need it, it is for those who want it. I wanted it, I'm keeping it--and I will share it!

                Kim

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                  #9
                  How? How? How?

                  It baffles me how few the responses are in threads where people are talking about successful sobriety.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    How? How? How?

                    i REJOICE

                    In the sobriety that you have gained, and AA is a wonderful organization, just not for everyone. My brother is doing wonderfully well with it, he leads meetings and has 2 years sorbriety under his belt. I am trying for moderation but I will see if I need to go for abstinence instead... good luck doing what ever works for everyone. Suz
                    The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness.

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                      #11
                      How? How? How?

                      Kim.

                      Thanky ou very much

                      Comment


                        #12
                        How? How? How?

                        Thank you for your story.

                        For me it has to be complete abstinance. Alcohol is a drug and I am hooked, I know this. I need to get off it and stay off it whatever way I can. I once went to an AA meeting and felt uncomfortable, hopefully this program and forum will help me. I know I have the desire, let's hope I have the will.

                        My life without alcohol will be so much richer ( as will my bank account) and I am looking forward to 2007.

                        Louie

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