Introduction

[FlyAway]

Hi all. I'm a mid-40's married female who has been drinking pretty regularly for about 20 years. In about the past 10 years I've been craving alcohol where before it was always a choice. Not that I can't say no, but I don't want to and I can't have just a drink or two. It's got to be 6 or so. I've stopped several times throughout the years for months at a time, but I'll end up having a couple drinks for a "special occasion" and that will lead me back to the path of drinking heavily for 5 nights or so a week.

My husband drinks too, but not like I do. Just one or two a few nights a week. He never is critical of me and never mentions my drinking. Even when I've been in sobbing drunken jags, even when I've been a raging drunken bitch. He's just accepting and loving.

What brought me here was that I was drunk last Monday night and made a fool out of myself in front of my stepdaughter. She's in her late 20's and has always respected me and is close to me. I was drunk and emotional and sobbing and the look in her eyes said "wow, you've got issues." I've never been like that in front of her and felt like a fool the next day. I kept thinking about it and trying to come up with an explanation/excuse. Not that she brought it up. I guess I was trying to make an excuse to myself.

I never want to be that ashamed again. I haven't had a drink since and haven't craved it at all. I feel like I'm done. But I think it would be naive of me to think it will be this easy. I think somewhere down the road I'll think about having a drink or two "for a special occasion" and start all over again.

[Doggygirl]

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FlyAway, I'm glad you found us here. I spent a lot of time on that merry go round of guilt and shame, then getting right back to my excessive drinking the second I thought "the coast was clear" (aka now I can control it..)

I also have a husband who rarely said anything about my excessive drinking. For a very long time, I took that for granted. But inside, I was dying. *I* knew.

I love my AF life and wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope you too find a life where alcohol is no longer controlling you - ever.

DG

[Neveah]

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Flyaway, I can totally relate. Do you want to stop completely or just try to moderate? I know moderation is really hard and definitely not me for me. I just have to stop. I'm 29 but about to ruin my marriage if I don't stop. Do what's righ for you! You are worth it- just remember that!

[FlyAway]

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Neveah;1149002 wrote: Flyaway, I can totally relate. Do you want to stop completely or just try to moderate? I know moderation is really hard and definitely not me for me. I just have to stop. I'm 29 but about to ruin my marriage if I don't stop. Do what's righ for you! You are worth it- just remember that!

If you asked me a year ago I would have said that I would want to moderate. But I don't think I can. So my goal is total abstinence.

[FlyAway]

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Michealleo;1148986 wrote: hi guys i am new here too and i've recently joined this forum . hopefully u guys doing well . have a nice day but still little bit tired . i am not drinking just trying to get a healthy Food . i really wana be destress . i will really appriciate it if u guys help me for that thnx alots ..........

Hi Michealleo, thanks for dropping in. Funny how I would tell myself that drinking would help me destress. Nothing is further from the truth! Drinking made me feel so depressed. I called out sick to work so many times because I felt down and just couldn't make myself go. Talk about adding stress to your life!

[Enough!]

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Hi Flyaway!

Same story... Drinking for 15 years... Wine 1-2 bottles a day.. Tried many times to have a couple glasses... Yeah right! Fast foward through a million hangovers and many many times of overdoing it...

I made it to day 9 today. I started a thread called conquering day 1... which has been my lifeline and honestly the only reason I made it past day 2. You are welcome to pop in. We are very supportive group of (ex) mostly wine drinkers.

Best to you!
Enough!

[ATLThrash]

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Fly--Except for the length of drinking time your story is so similar to mine. My husband is awesome too-- he has only said things a couple of times but it is not through judgment or anger-- just concern. I am 44 and have a 6 year old. I drank out of boredom and to de-stress too, being housebound with my small child due to naps or early bedtimes-- but it just made me feel more and more depressed. It also lead to me not losing my baby weight so now not only is the drinking thing there but I am unrecognizable to myself which is particularly scary. (I gained way too much -- it was insane!) I wish I could moderate but honestly even if I have 2 drinks I now wake up guilty and anxious so it is not worth it. Good luck with everything-- I wish you well!

[FlyAway]

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Enough!;1149107 wrote: Hi Flyaway!

Same story... Drinking for 15 years... Wine 1-2 bottles a day.. Tried many times to have a couple glasses... Yeah right! Fast foward through a million hangovers and many many times of overdoing it...

I made it to day 9 today. I started a thread called conquering day 1... which has been my lifeline and honestly the only reason I made it past day 2. You are welcome to pop in. We are very supportive group of (ex) mostly wine drinkers.

Best to you!
Enough!

Thanks for the invite! I'll definitely check it out. A couple of glasses is never enough. :thanks:

[FlyAway]

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ATLThrash;1149108 wrote: Fly--Except for the length of drinking time your story is so similar to mine. My husband is awesome too-- he has only said things a couple of times but it is not through judgment or anger-- just concern. I am 44 and have a 6 year old. I drank out of boredom and to de-stress too, being housebound with my small child due to naps or early bedtimes-- but it just made me feel more and more depressed. It also lead to me not losing my baby weight so now not only is the drinking thing there but I am unrecognizable to myself which is particularly scary. (I gained way too much -- it was insane!) I wish I could moderate but honestly even if I have 2 drinks I now wake up guilty and anxious so it is not worth it. Good luck with everything-- I wish you well!

Boredom and stress for me too. But now I'm finding that drinking is causing a whole lot of stress in my life and I'm unmotivated to do anything. Thanks for the well wishes.

[techie]

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A BIG welcome to you FlyAway!

[FlyAway]

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Thanks Techie!

Funny. Being here is really making me look at my drinking like I never have before. I've never ever ever admitted to anyone in my life that I have a drinking problem. But taking part in some of the threads here is really bringing a lot of this back to me. Some things I admitted in another thread:

I don't understand how my husband can be so accepting and loving to me. I couldn't overlook it either if roles were reversed. Funny thing is that sometimes in the past when I've stopped drinking my husband would suddenly be bringing home bottles for me and offering me drinks. Was he feeling threatened by my sobriety?

There have been so many 3am shameful wake ups. Making all kinds of promises to myself and feeling total disgust. Not knowing how I got to bed. There were actually a couple times where I wished I would just die before morning.

I remember going to an Italian restaurant last year with my husband and the waitress asking if we've ever eaten there before. I said No and my husband said Yes at the exact same time! Then my husband looked at me and said "What are you talking about? We were just here a couple weeks ago!" I said "Oh yeah," but really couldn't remember. Later it came back to me. We had reservations for dinner, but were early. So we went to the bar where I proceeded to go through at least 3 martinis in about a half hour. I don't remember anything after that. Don't know how much more I drank, don't remember ordering dinner, or coming home. I do remember waking up at 3am and wondering how I got into bed. The next day my dinner was in a doggie bag in the fridge.

Just a couple months ago my stepdaughter had some movie playing on our tv. I asked her what the movie was. She said the title. I said, "Oh I've never seen that." She said, "Yes you did, last month with me right here!" My husband asked me what I thought of the movie Inception. I can barely remember watching it and I think I passed out before the end. So many times I'll start to tell my husband something and he'll say, "Don't you remember? We just talked about that last night." I feel so ashamed.

Driving drunk. Nothing to say about that. There's no excuse.

[sunshinetoday]

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Welcome!
There is so much support on this site, it has been a life line for me.
You can do this!

[ATLThrash]

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Fly-- that is exactly what it turned into for me. You know how most people long for the weekends? At one point it got so I dreaded them because I felt so powerless to stop drinking-- with my husband home to take care of our child I had given myself a license to drink like a fish all weekend. I would fall into bed after the Tudors or whatever Sunday night show I had watched after my bottle of wine and awake a couple of hours later anxious, depressed, feeling worthless and for the next few days I would be plagued by inertia-- no motivation to exercise or eat right as my mind and body were in such a state form what I was doing. This continued for so long it was like a fugue state-- I know I lived it but I did not want to even think about how bad it was. I still shudder when I think of the darkness of those days. I reelapsed badly not too long ago-- but it only lasted a few days and I was lucky that I had this site-- I had one of my rare moments of clarity and thought okay-- reign it in-- this drinking (and the bad stuff that flows from it) is to some extent within my control to fix. I have had 2 types of cancer and am a cancer survivor so far and I just thought about how much of that I could not control whereas this I could do alot to change. I am still working and I am sure after you go AF for a period you will have some of those same motivating thoughts as well. Good luck

[FlyAway]

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ATLThrash;1149625 wrote: Fly-- that is exactly what it turned into for me. You know how most people long for the weekends? At one point it got so I dreaded them because I felt so powerless to stop drinking-- with my husband home to take care of our child I had given myself a license to drink like a fish all weekend. I would fall into bed after the Tudors or whatever Sunday night show I had watched after my bottle of wine and awake a couple of hours later anxious, depressed, feeling worthless and for the next few days I would be plagued by inertia-- no motivation to exercise or eat right as my mind and body were in such a state form what I was doing. This continued for so long it was like a fugue state-- I know I lived it but I did not want to even think about how bad it was. I still shudder when I think of the darkness of those days. I reelapsed badly not too long ago-- but it only lasted a few days and I was lucky that I had this site-- I had one of my rare moments of clarity and thought okay-- reign it in-- this drinking (and the bad stuff that flows from it) is to some extent within my control to fix. I have had 2 types of cancer and am a cancer survivor so far and I just thought about how much of that I could not control whereas this I could do alot to change. I am still working and I am sure after you go AF for a period you will have some of those same motivating thoughts as well. Good luck

Thanks for sharing that. It's such a relief to think "it's not just me!"

[ATLThrash]

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Fly--It definitely is not just you! If we had not felt out of control or beaten by the booze, none of us would have looked into help and come here. Things we cna fix but that are hard to fix can seem insurmountable-- I mean look at those folks on Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Weight loss-- they describe themselves as out of control and very similar to how we describe ourselves. It is because we are uncertain about how to go about changing and for some of us the road to change seems so long. But look at it this way-- unlike someone who needs to lose 150 pounds which will just as a point of fact takes a long time-- every day we do not drink we have 100% met our goal of being AF.