I drank to oblivion for most of my adult life. Starting in my twenties, I went to bed every night in a blackout. I tried every support group, program, method and med, every AD and natural remedies, hypnosis, in-patient treatment, out-patient treatment, religion, witchraft ? anything that offered even a shred of hope. I even tried MWO years ago, but it was utter failure for me too.
My kids grew up to a great extent without me, and I look back at family photos with no memory of having been there. I was unhappy whether I was drinking or not, suffered almost constant anxiety, sometimes crippling depression, and when I didn?t drink would often go over 24 hours without sleep due to insomnia. Not drinking really was not choice. Drinking to oblivion probably kept me from slitting my wrists.
I discovered what worked for me by accident, or rather a series of accidents. I had gotten so bloated from booze that I had to do something. I was one month away from starting a new job and I could not afford a new wardrobe. So, I went on super low-carb diet and boom the majority of the urges just went away ? like magic. I started sleeping again. My mood swings leveled out considerably ? the majority of the crazies just went away so long as I constantly kept protein in my system (like every two hours) and kept the carbs way down. I also lost 30 pounds! Woo hoo! But I could not keep eating that way forever, and the crazies still attacked me sometimes, times of inexplicable fear and/or rage, times of great unhappiness that promised to linger for the rest of my pathetic, unhappy life. The cravings still attacked during those times and sometimes even quieter times. I was stuck with the hardest of liquor on a low-carb diet, so when I did drink I got a lot drunker, a lot faster, and many more bad things happened than before. Sleep went away again, unless I drank myself there.
Right about that time, my sister (who is 55) was diagnosed with ADHD. I had a house fire and HAD to stay with her for a few days shortly after that. It was incredible the change in her after she was on the meds. She turned sane. Believe me, she was one hurtful, crazy b*tch before that, literally disabled from mental illness and could not hold job. She had become a nice person. A sociable person who really wanted to connect with me. She started spending a lot of time volunteering for the Red Cross and other organizations. One day while I was there, I decided to try one of her pills (she took three every morning, and we were pretty sure that just one could not hurt me). It was amazing. I did not feel ?jazzed up.? I had energy though, more than I would normally have, but not at all buzzy or speedy. I could think straight. I felt happy for eight solid hours that day! I had not experienced that since I was small child. So, when I got back home I went to my doctor, who flatly refused to prescribe it, and wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I had already been on the two he wanted me to try, but he wanted to combine them and possibly add a third for the insomnia. I declined and told him that I already knew what worked and that I would figure it out for myself. I found a place to order it online.
The next accident happened when I was trying to save a little turtle. Long story and the turtle died, but I hurt my back and neck. I was on Flexiril and some kind of codeine something for pain. The codeine made me vomit (which was pure agony due to my neck pain) and the Flexiril was not helping much at all. My next door neighbor has MS, and she wanted me to try a couple of her baclofen. They knocked me out cold, but they took almost all of the pain away too. I went back to my doctor and asked for it, and I flushed the codeine stuff down the toilet, which is where it would have ended up anyway. I discovered that if taken throughout the day, it was the nail in the coffin of my alcoholism. It didn?t matter if I opened a bottle of beer or not. I just didn?t much want it. It was bothersome to have to drink it, like drinking prune juice. I did not drink enough to get to a buzz. It just got warm and flat. Not because I was trying to not drink ? but I was not trying to drink either. I did not have, and still do not have, that ?I must get FU?d to feel better? mindset. I searched online and found that other people have had success with baclofen too. I would never do the kinds of crazy doses people do, but I don?t have to. I guess I?m finally lucky in something. Also, I think it?s the combination of things that finally worked. I don?t think any one of them would have worked alone.
I?m pretty careful these days about what I let in my head. I saw a trailer for a horror movie the other day and was astounded that anyone would ever want to let stuff like that into their head. I like positive. I love funny! I like happy, and that?s what I seek out. I don?t care to spend much time in places where people are unhappy a lot, so I don?t spend much time on the alcoholism threads. Since I got laid off and am home alone a lot, I have thought about going back to support group stuff for company. But, again, I?m being very protective of myself. I do not want to deal with unhappiness. Maybe that makes me selfish. I have a very, very limited amount of time left on this planet, and if I?m going to spend it sober, I?m going to spend it selfish. It?s just the way it works, at least for me, at least for now.
I?ve always wanted to make pretty things but never had the patience or talent, I thought. I tried crochet 30 years ago, and it was a disaster. It got messed up over and over again. I?d lose count of stitches and had to rip it out so many times that the yarn got ruined. I struggled through what felt to me like the worst kind of tedium and frustration that a person could suffer, and the final product was awful. I threw it away. I felt like a failure and never tried it again.
Now, I can do this:
It is imperfect, but it is pretty, and I made it. I?ve made a whole bunch of them and am going to attach them to make a pretty cover for my tired sofa. It is not a chore to do it. It relaxes me, it feels nice, it is something that I look forward to doing. A lot of things in my life are like that now.
I have somewhere around four months. I have not been counting and didn?t have any luck when I set milestones like that. Counting up successes just made failures seem so much worse, so I don?t do that anymore. My neck is just now better so moving around is easier. I?m thinking of taking swimming lessons because I?ve always wanted to move through water like a ballerina moves through air. That is not something that would have entered my mind a year ago. Swimming would just take up drinking time, and it never would have occurred to me to do anything that would interfere with my drinking time. Now, I eat fairly well (most days), I sleep well every night, and I wake up ready to do something constructive. I used to wake up wondering what had happened the night before, panicked over what I could remember, more panicked over what I could not remember, sick as a dog, and ready to slit my own throat.
Things have changed a lot. I still feel like I should apologize for not being willing to go to darker places where people are suffering. But I?m not going to apologize. I hope everyone finds their way out of that dark tunnel. I finally got out. I am not going back in there, not for anyone. As near as I can tell, staying away from that dark entrance is part of what makes my life, as it is today, possible. Maybe just knowing that will help someone else who really needs an onslaught of kittens and bunnies and flowers and sunshine to know that it?s okay, for some of us it?s an absolute necessity, to cling to the good stuff. To stay away from dark places. Even if other people are suffering, and might be slowly dying, and maybe you could help. Do not go there if you cannot go there safely ? and safely means that you will suffer no ill effects. For people who in their hearts and minds need a steady diet of flat-out, unadulterated goodness, this is for you:
This place really needs a kitten thread.
My kids grew up to a great extent without me, and I look back at family photos with no memory of having been there. I was unhappy whether I was drinking or not, suffered almost constant anxiety, sometimes crippling depression, and when I didn?t drink would often go over 24 hours without sleep due to insomnia. Not drinking really was not choice. Drinking to oblivion probably kept me from slitting my wrists.
I discovered what worked for me by accident, or rather a series of accidents. I had gotten so bloated from booze that I had to do something. I was one month away from starting a new job and I could not afford a new wardrobe. So, I went on super low-carb diet and boom the majority of the urges just went away ? like magic. I started sleeping again. My mood swings leveled out considerably ? the majority of the crazies just went away so long as I constantly kept protein in my system (like every two hours) and kept the carbs way down. I also lost 30 pounds! Woo hoo! But I could not keep eating that way forever, and the crazies still attacked me sometimes, times of inexplicable fear and/or rage, times of great unhappiness that promised to linger for the rest of my pathetic, unhappy life. The cravings still attacked during those times and sometimes even quieter times. I was stuck with the hardest of liquor on a low-carb diet, so when I did drink I got a lot drunker, a lot faster, and many more bad things happened than before. Sleep went away again, unless I drank myself there.
Right about that time, my sister (who is 55) was diagnosed with ADHD. I had a house fire and HAD to stay with her for a few days shortly after that. It was incredible the change in her after she was on the meds. She turned sane. Believe me, she was one hurtful, crazy b*tch before that, literally disabled from mental illness and could not hold job. She had become a nice person. A sociable person who really wanted to connect with me. She started spending a lot of time volunteering for the Red Cross and other organizations. One day while I was there, I decided to try one of her pills (she took three every morning, and we were pretty sure that just one could not hurt me). It was amazing. I did not feel ?jazzed up.? I had energy though, more than I would normally have, but not at all buzzy or speedy. I could think straight. I felt happy for eight solid hours that day! I had not experienced that since I was small child. So, when I got back home I went to my doctor, who flatly refused to prescribe it, and wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I had already been on the two he wanted me to try, but he wanted to combine them and possibly add a third for the insomnia. I declined and told him that I already knew what worked and that I would figure it out for myself. I found a place to order it online.
The next accident happened when I was trying to save a little turtle. Long story and the turtle died, but I hurt my back and neck. I was on Flexiril and some kind of codeine something for pain. The codeine made me vomit (which was pure agony due to my neck pain) and the Flexiril was not helping much at all. My next door neighbor has MS, and she wanted me to try a couple of her baclofen. They knocked me out cold, but they took almost all of the pain away too. I went back to my doctor and asked for it, and I flushed the codeine stuff down the toilet, which is where it would have ended up anyway. I discovered that if taken throughout the day, it was the nail in the coffin of my alcoholism. It didn?t matter if I opened a bottle of beer or not. I just didn?t much want it. It was bothersome to have to drink it, like drinking prune juice. I did not drink enough to get to a buzz. It just got warm and flat. Not because I was trying to not drink ? but I was not trying to drink either. I did not have, and still do not have, that ?I must get FU?d to feel better? mindset. I searched online and found that other people have had success with baclofen too. I would never do the kinds of crazy doses people do, but I don?t have to. I guess I?m finally lucky in something. Also, I think it?s the combination of things that finally worked. I don?t think any one of them would have worked alone.
I?m pretty careful these days about what I let in my head. I saw a trailer for a horror movie the other day and was astounded that anyone would ever want to let stuff like that into their head. I like positive. I love funny! I like happy, and that?s what I seek out. I don?t care to spend much time in places where people are unhappy a lot, so I don?t spend much time on the alcoholism threads. Since I got laid off and am home alone a lot, I have thought about going back to support group stuff for company. But, again, I?m being very protective of myself. I do not want to deal with unhappiness. Maybe that makes me selfish. I have a very, very limited amount of time left on this planet, and if I?m going to spend it sober, I?m going to spend it selfish. It?s just the way it works, at least for me, at least for now.
I?ve always wanted to make pretty things but never had the patience or talent, I thought. I tried crochet 30 years ago, and it was a disaster. It got messed up over and over again. I?d lose count of stitches and had to rip it out so many times that the yarn got ruined. I struggled through what felt to me like the worst kind of tedium and frustration that a person could suffer, and the final product was awful. I threw it away. I felt like a failure and never tried it again.
Now, I can do this:
It is imperfect, but it is pretty, and I made it. I?ve made a whole bunch of them and am going to attach them to make a pretty cover for my tired sofa. It is not a chore to do it. It relaxes me, it feels nice, it is something that I look forward to doing. A lot of things in my life are like that now.
I have somewhere around four months. I have not been counting and didn?t have any luck when I set milestones like that. Counting up successes just made failures seem so much worse, so I don?t do that anymore. My neck is just now better so moving around is easier. I?m thinking of taking swimming lessons because I?ve always wanted to move through water like a ballerina moves through air. That is not something that would have entered my mind a year ago. Swimming would just take up drinking time, and it never would have occurred to me to do anything that would interfere with my drinking time. Now, I eat fairly well (most days), I sleep well every night, and I wake up ready to do something constructive. I used to wake up wondering what had happened the night before, panicked over what I could remember, more panicked over what I could not remember, sick as a dog, and ready to slit my own throat.
Things have changed a lot. I still feel like I should apologize for not being willing to go to darker places where people are suffering. But I?m not going to apologize. I hope everyone finds their way out of that dark tunnel. I finally got out. I am not going back in there, not for anyone. As near as I can tell, staying away from that dark entrance is part of what makes my life, as it is today, possible. Maybe just knowing that will help someone else who really needs an onslaught of kittens and bunnies and flowers and sunshine to know that it?s okay, for some of us it?s an absolute necessity, to cling to the good stuff. To stay away from dark places. Even if other people are suffering, and might be slowly dying, and maybe you could help. Do not go there if you cannot go there safely ? and safely means that you will suffer no ill effects. For people who in their hearts and minds need a steady diet of flat-out, unadulterated goodness, this is for you:
This place really needs a kitten thread.
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