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[Juley]

I've been on and off the board quite a while now. Everytime I get my act together some hurdle comes along that sends me running back to the bottle.
I had just about gotten my act together in April, then my Dad was diagnosed with brain cancer and I reached for the bottle. The past few weeks I'm out of control. Last night I drank two bottles of wine, drunk dialled and passed out. I woke up this morning to find my jeans from the previous night soaked in urine so I clearly wet myself too. That's just great behaviour of a respectable lady.

My confidence is shot too. I've put on weight, I feel worthless and feel like a total failure. I've zero interest in anything apart from my nightly bottle of wine. I'm drinking now 5 to 6 days a week. I do know I am possibly killing myself and then when I think about it, I've so little in life now I don't really care. I dislike my job, I'm single at 38 and don't even own my own house. I used to be very attractive but made very bad choices with men. Now between drink and age, the looks are going and with all my clothes so tight I just hate going out, hate meeting people and shut myself away.

I know things in my life are going to get worse shortly and I'm terrified if I don't get my act together what will become of me. I do not want to be attending my father's funeral dying with a hangover or a complete embarrassment to my family. I want him to be proud of me before he dies.

I spend so much energy covering up my 'condition'. I'm sure not everybody is fooled. That energy could be so well spent on more productive things. I once wanted to be writer but never take time out to write anymore, I stopped keeping my journal because it would have just said 'Tonight, I drank a bottle of wine'.

I'm so distraught, I don't even know where to start. I've just written all of this while sipping a glass of wine when this morning I vowed never to drink again.

[ATLThrash]

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Juley-- first, give yourself a pat on the back for realizing you need help and coming back to get it. Though I have a husband and child much of what you say also resonates with me. I put on a lod of weight while pregnant and with post partum depression and all that jazz (plus just drinking too much) I never lost it. My confidence and motivation were insanely poor. I have gone back and forth as well. The good news is once you have some time without booze-- even just a short time-- things will be so much better. At 38, I know it does not feel like it but your life is just beginning! My husband said he really never felt like he was 100% comfortable in life until he hit 40 (he's 48 now). HE is quite accomplished and happy--and you can be too! Don't write yourself off Juley. I can tell you want to get better. I believe you can as well. Try not to drink any more tonight and focus on forming a plan. You can do it!!!

[Queenbug]

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Juley...I second what ALT says....well done for coming here...its a good place for support, advice and care. Try to stop with the wine tonight now and drink some water...slow down and take a breath...a few of us here are on Day 1 AF...maybe start now and stick close to this place..and we can do it together...sometimes minute by minute, hour by hour...take care lovey x

[jessie]

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Hi Juley, it took a very humiliating experience to stop me in my downward spiral. Like, imagine your co workers having found you passed out with urine drenched jeans on. And believe me and most of us here - worse things can and will happen.

I am on day 20 AF today. I joined an online AA group, I am working the 12 steps to the best of my ability, I read the big book online, and for the first time ever after many failures I can feel a subtle but real shift deep within me. I am by no means over confident, but am taking it one day at a time.

It's worth a try.

[Queenbug]

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How are you doing Juley? I'm fresh back at it...Day 2...hoping that you are doing ok...lots of people here to help you through, and we all know how hard this is.....have you got support there with you? I'm sticking close to the boards today so feel free to PM me or post and perhaps we can get through today a bit at a time....x

[Juley]

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Thanks everyone for your kind replies and encouragement. I'm good today and have decided to start de-cluttering the house, catching up on errands and generally organising myself. I feel in order to organise my life, I need to have all of this done first.
Queenbug, I don't have any support. I live alone and I'm too ashamed to confide in family. The culture here wouldn't warrant much sympathy. It's more likely they'd just say 'So, well stop being a pisshead'. If only it was that easy.
And oddly, I'm probably a more civilised drunk than most. It's a Bank Holiday here and no doubt the pubs are full of people drinking this afternoon. I'll go for a walk later and as I pass I'll look critically at these people because they're drinking in the middle of the afternoon. The hypocrisy. Just because I wait until at least 7pm and then just can't stop.
One thing I DO know is that nobody is going to come along and fix this for me. I have to take responsibility for that. I need to grow up and take control of my life, drinking being the first thing I control.

[Queenbug]

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Hi Juley
It's tough on your own...
I've just started to tell a few people what I am trying to achieve...I never thought I'd be able to do that...it's taken a very long time...but it's a bit like a burden being lifted....
Lots of us here to support you if you need it...
You aren't alone petal x

[daisy45]

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Juley I can identify so much with you. You can turn it around. 4 years ago I could have written what you have just posted. I couldn't look at my haggard, fat face in the mirror any more. I was 13 stone(182lbs) and overeating and drinking every day. The vicious circle I was in had to be broken.
Took up swimming, cycling and walking and lost 3 stone fairly quickly. (All while still drinking)
Last year, I went AF for 3 months and after about 6 weeks noticed the weight coming off without really doing anything other than stop drinking. Lost another stone, which I seem to have maintained fairly easily ever since. The main reason has to be because most of this year has been AF, with a fair amount of binges.
I was in such a bad place, which no-one really knows about, because like you, the dirty alcoholic deed was done in the privacy of my own home.
This year I took up a night class and done my exam in June - this could'nt have happened unless I had those AF days to shine some sanity into my life.
Obviously, I am not done yet. I am here on Day 5, but I would call myself 'a work in progress'.
I am turning it around, bit by bit, with a way to go, but my point is you can too. Baby steps....but picture what you want yourself to be and go for it. If you 'were' attractive, you will be again. Look at anyone you know who has ditched alcohol; it is possible to get your looks back. Along with your dignity and self-respect.
I look forward to getting to know you better. Just wanted to give you a little hope......

[Juley]

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Guys, once again thanks for the support. I didn't come on here last night because I lapsed again. Didn't enjoy one minute of it and woke up at 6am thinking I had work this morning. Today is Day 1 now and that's it, I think I will have to visit here daily going forward. My body and brain is so tired of this chaotic lifestyle. My wallet can't afford it, my liver can't take it anymore.

Btw, I have Kuduz supplement upstairs. But can I ask exactly what it's good for? Can it be taken alongside Milkthistle supplement and Spirulina?

Can I ask what helped you diet wise stay AF? What did you substitute in the evenings? I was thinking Cranberry juice but it's quite harsh on the tummy (I know! the irony!)

[sunshinetoday]

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HI Juley and Welcome.

Just to answer your above question, when I quit drinking so much AL, I ate sugar for awhile. Your body will crave the sugar it misses in AL. You could go with fresh fruit and the natural sugars. Just make sure you are giving yourself lots of healthy food as well. Once you get some AF time under your belt you will start to make those changes you want to see. I know you can do this.

[scottish lass]

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Juley - today is my day 1 AGAIN! I think it is about my seventh day 1 since joining MWO, and hate it every time. I signed on last night and pledged to have an AF august whilst drinking wine - I was drinking nightly, at least a bottle - and getting up trying to remeber what i had done.
My marriage has just failed and I have very little self confidence or self esteem - I am 49 and dread the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, so I have to get a grip, get back in control and find myself again - I can only do that without AL.
Have you got the MWO book? She tells you how and which supplements to take - yes to Kudzu and Milk thistle together......
I am drinking ginger ale - diet version - the ginger is settling for those tummy upsets and it works for me...

[Kaslo]

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Hi Juley....well done for trying. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Can you get gingerale or 7-up or sprite in Ireland? If so, cut your cranberry juice half n half with that, add some ice and a twist of lime and bingo, you have a delicious AF drink that helps with cravings. The first couple days are the worst. Your body lies to yez too. It will tell you that you want booze when in fact water or a bit of food will get you through. Its SO worth it. I am six and a half months free myself.

kas

[medic]

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Hi Juley. I relate to how you're feeling. I too am a serial lapser and had writing ambitions which seems to have stalled. It's funny how external events can trigger our dependence (literal or perceived) on alcohol. I'm lucky if I'm off the drink for 2 days usually before I'm back again. Though lately - not sure if it's paranoia - I think I am noticing a yellow tinge to my skin developing. I could be wrong or it could be the start of jaundice and manifestations of liver damage. I keep meaning to get back to my writing mainly screenwriting since I struggle with the narrative voice in my prose. I'm hoping, after my latest stumble, I can start afresh and maybe channel my anxiety into my writing. Is such a thing possible? I don't know. I want to try though. If you ever want to share your work for reflection or just somebody to non-judgmentally look at it feel free to PM me. I hope you're having a better weekend.
med+c

[Juley]

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Thank you all for your support, this really is an excellent community.

I'm going to be completely honest here because that's what it's here for. I haven't gone totally AF. I have had my odd glass of wine but a full bottle is out of the question never mind two. I've begun buying one of those miniature bottles if I feel a weakness. This is the equivalent of a glass of wine. Not all stores here stock them so have to go out of my way on route home to find one, which means I'm determined not to cave in and buy a full bottle. I went 4 days AF, then had a miniature bottle (ie a glass).

Things are so much better already and I need to keep a diary of those great moments. I went to the gym this evening, then went shopping and felt alive and awake. Suddenly I wasn't feeling beat up and carrying the worries of the world on my shoulders. I seem to be developing a more 'happy go lucky' approach to life. Previously I was paranoid, feeling heavy headed and negative about everything. I want to maintain this new me. I like her so far!

[medic]

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Well done Juley. It seems you've found a way of moderating. Just obviously be vigilant that the small bottles don't get bigger again. Fantastic that you're going to the gymn - that will definitely help your mindset.