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[beautifullife]

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Hi Juley. As medic says, well done. I am jumping back in after reading the thread, because I too am a serial lapser and am starting my day 1, again, today. I have not visited since June when, at that time, I had 5 or 6 days AF and relapsed... which resulted in me blacking out in public, falling head first into a planter of trees and bushes and seriously hurting myself. After that incident, I vowed not to drink ever again and have been fighting the demon on again off again since. Last night, I drank probably 1.5-2 bottles of wine and am waking up in the wee early hours of the morning- dizzy headed- vowing not to do it AGAIN. I am promising myself to come here daily, heck even hourly, to do this with you!

medic- I understand about the paranoia of turning yellow. I looked into the mirror yesterday and thought I noticed my eyes with a yellow tinge. I am not sure if it is real and my husband said I was crazy, but it freaked me out.

[Bruunhilde]

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Hi Juley, everyone!

I too am "a work in progress", its good to hear from others.

Juley, how are you doing? If you have lapsed, come back, you've got company here.

Everyone who posted on this thread, it was all so good to read your thoughts, and remember the good and the bad. Its true, your body/brain lies to you, tells you that you need AL but you don't.

[Juley]

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I messed up again. The moderating only lasted so long, then I decided to buy a bottle of wine with decision to only have a glass or two. Stuff that, Greedy hog here drank it all and paid for it the next day given I'd been off for a few weeks. I'm a total failure. About as much self control as a 3 year old in a sweet shop. Very annoyed with myself. Was doing so well. The only positive out of it is that I'm not drinking EVERY night anymore. I had curtailed that. But boy, when I started that night during the week, I didn't stop. Clearly I can stay away from alcohol but shouldn't start at all
I'm so sorry to have let you all down.

[RingingCedars]

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Juley, you have not let anyone down, but yourself, in your mind. I will not say I am a serial relapser, because I refuse to label myself. I abuse alcohol sometimes now. When I started posting last May, I was drinking 1 to almost 3 bottles of wine a several nights a week. I won't detail the when's, why's and how much's til now, but it has progressively gotten MUCH less. You are not a failure simply because you are here and being honest and you have improved! Remember that and keep moving forward towards where you want to be. There are so many ways to do that and you will learn more about how to do that by posting and reading. That's how it has worked for me anyways and I'm sure that is how it has worked for many who have reached their goals. Find your will, your tools and keep looking up! xo

[Doggygirl]

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Juley - please trust me when I say that ALL OF US have had to experiment to some degree to figure out if we can still drink safely or not. I know I struggled with it for a long long timer before I finally accepted that for me, there is no drinking safely. Once I start it will escalate again. Maybe not the first time I drink, but it won't be long.

I actually felt a huge sense of relief when I finally just accepted that I am a person who just can't safely drink. I do not believe for a minute that is because I am a weak willed or somehow inferior person. It is because I am one of the people in this world who are vulnerable to alcohol abuse and the only way for me to avoid that is to not drink.

I can't say what your reality it, but what I just described is mine. And you know what? Now that I don't waste my time planning to drink, drinking, recovering from drinking, debating whether I'm going to drinking, feeling remorse over what I did when I was drinking, feeling guilty for drinking, etc. - I have a lot of free time to pursue LIFE again. WHAT A RELIEF!!!!

My Dad is very ill and a few years ago, that would have been my excuse to stay drunker than a skunk each day, and to feel overwhelmed with family responsibility, and then to let everyone down with my lack of availability, etc. Today, I am able to participate appropriately in my family situation, and with balance, also pursue my own life in a healthy way. Alcohol prevented me from doing this for many years.

Good riddance AL. I hope you find your way out too.

DG

[Juley]

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I hadn't been on since I posted that the other night. After that, I arranged to have my niece come stay with me for a night. Part of me did this because I knew being responsible for her would prevent me spending another night stupidly overdoing it. It was great having her with me, she's 13. I do know a lot of the reason I drink is because I'm lonely but then wonder if I make up that excuse. Because drinking at home alone prevents me from getting out there meeting people. I hate being stuck in this rutt. I had a great week or two, then rewarded myself with drink? Makes no sense. Ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I got ill or had an accident so I end up in hospital and can't be anywhere near drink. Silly and sick, I know. This week is once again an attempt at getting my act together.

[Juley]

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Starting Counselling on Monday next. Need to address everything that's causing this. Then I think it's prob AA for me, not a road there I wanted to go down but seems to me I've no choice, I just keep relapsing.

[merry]

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HI! julie
I'm also back again I did 4 mths straight and was doing well till we had a big family gathering and come complexly undone as there was alcohol everywhere
Thou I didn't go back to drinking every night I did over do it when I did
I have caused a whole heap of problems again and have to try and work things out the biggest mistake was not coming back on here I also have low self esteem and that no-one wants me and it's all because of the alcohol so I'm back to try again hopefully I can stay sober for good now so I'll aim for today today and try and settle down my nerves which are shot because of all the unrest in my life

[merry]

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merry;1206539 wrote: HI! julie
I'm also back again I did 4 mths straight and was doing well untill we had a big family gathering and come completly undone as there was alcohol everywhere
Thou I didn't go back to drinking every night I did over do it when I did
I have caused a whole heap of problems again and have to try and work things out the biggest mistake was not coming back on here I also have low self esteem and that no-one wants me and it's all because of the alcohol so I'm back to try again hopefully I can stay sober for good now so I'll aim for today today and try and settle down my nerves which are shot because of all the unrest in my life

:thanks: