:new: Never been a part of an online community, but I feel I need support, so I'll take the plunge and join the group. I want to give a bit of my history and current situation so I can look back on this a year from now and see where I've come from and hopefully at that point help people who are where I'm at now. I want to stay anonymous, and can't come up with a ?handle?, so for now, I'll use the name of one of the people I admire most: Tesla, as in Nicola Tesla one of the greatest people in history, so you can call me Tess.
I'm a 44 year old American male living in South America for the last 4 years, which have been a living nightmare. My only sober days in the last 10+ years have been days where I was too sick to drink from drinking myself into a blackout the night before. My first experience being intoxicated was 42 years ago this month when I drank gasoline. I then started sniffing it for years. Started smoking cigs 40 years ago this month, pot & booze at 6 and hard drugs at 10. I've gone to several Dr's who are amazed that I function at the level I do, but that has taken a turn for the worse this last year. I got to just about broke financially, so to keep drinking I discovered the local $.90 per liter Puro (cane liquor rot-gut moonshine, made by god knows who), and boy has that fucked me up. My vision is all screwed up, liver & pancreas in constant pain, and the hangovers from it are unreal. I went from living in a $2.5 million dollar house 5 years ago, married to a beautiful woman & good friends to living in a $70 a month shitty apartment in some dusty little S. American town alone living hand-to-mouth. What a wonderfully good friend alcohol has been to me!
3 years ago after I lost all my $$, I planed to get to the point where I had about $1,000 left, fly to Mexico and get a hotel, lots of booze and pick up some pentobarbital (used to euthaize animals) and off myself. The suicidal thoughts have not left me since, but I've managed to avoid it due to fear of the beyond and knowing I didn't want to die a miserable drunk.
I've tried everything I could to get rid of this monster: AA, rehab, Antabuse, fasting for weeks at a time on just water, cleanses, extreme nutritional supplementation, raw food diet, hypnosis, past life regression, re-birthing, Ibogaine, Shamans, which doctors, gurus?on & on with no lasting success. I'm tired, worn out, weary and sick of this life. You all know it: self hatred, guilt, shame, paranoia, fear, anxiety, blackouts?I simply can't take any more of it. I get by on occasional computer jobs, and yesterday I had one to go to and it took me 3 hours to work up the courage to walk out my door to walk ? mile because I felt everyone in town was talking about me (I'm a loner drunk and only a few people here even know I drink).
Well fortunately, 2 weeks ago I discovered this website and the baclofen threads and feel deep in my heart--in my gut--that this is my way out; the end of this miserable fucking existence. Thanks to my caring older sister I received my first two months supply of bac last night from Dr L. He told me to start with 5mg, but being the personality type I am, I just couldn't follow instructions and took 10, although I am going to follow his instructions to the best of my ability. Within an hour all the fear, paranoia & anxiety (which are my daily hungover companions), disappeared, I only drank ? the amount I usually do and slept 10 hours as apposed to 5 or 6. Took 10mg this morning and I feel calm & anxiety free. Like I said, I am extremely hopeful and confident that desire, willpower, support of good people like you here, and baclofen is going to work to at least get me where I can get back on my feet and get out of this seemingly bottomless pit I've been sucked into.
I just got an email from Dr. L's pharmacy in Chicago that 20,000 mg's more are on the way, as it isn't available where I am located. I have a friend bringing it down next week from the states, so I'll be well supplied.
Anyway, that is my introduction to what I hope will be a mutually supportive relationship with you folks here.
I'm a 44 year old American male living in South America for the last 4 years, which have been a living nightmare. My only sober days in the last 10+ years have been days where I was too sick to drink from drinking myself into a blackout the night before. My first experience being intoxicated was 42 years ago this month when I drank gasoline. I then started sniffing it for years. Started smoking cigs 40 years ago this month, pot & booze at 6 and hard drugs at 10. I've gone to several Dr's who are amazed that I function at the level I do, but that has taken a turn for the worse this last year. I got to just about broke financially, so to keep drinking I discovered the local $.90 per liter Puro (cane liquor rot-gut moonshine, made by god knows who), and boy has that fucked me up. My vision is all screwed up, liver & pancreas in constant pain, and the hangovers from it are unreal. I went from living in a $2.5 million dollar house 5 years ago, married to a beautiful woman & good friends to living in a $70 a month shitty apartment in some dusty little S. American town alone living hand-to-mouth. What a wonderfully good friend alcohol has been to me!
3 years ago after I lost all my $$, I planed to get to the point where I had about $1,000 left, fly to Mexico and get a hotel, lots of booze and pick up some pentobarbital (used to euthaize animals) and off myself. The suicidal thoughts have not left me since, but I've managed to avoid it due to fear of the beyond and knowing I didn't want to die a miserable drunk.
I've tried everything I could to get rid of this monster: AA, rehab, Antabuse, fasting for weeks at a time on just water, cleanses, extreme nutritional supplementation, raw food diet, hypnosis, past life regression, re-birthing, Ibogaine, Shamans, which doctors, gurus?on & on with no lasting success. I'm tired, worn out, weary and sick of this life. You all know it: self hatred, guilt, shame, paranoia, fear, anxiety, blackouts?I simply can't take any more of it. I get by on occasional computer jobs, and yesterday I had one to go to and it took me 3 hours to work up the courage to walk out my door to walk ? mile because I felt everyone in town was talking about me (I'm a loner drunk and only a few people here even know I drink).
Well fortunately, 2 weeks ago I discovered this website and the baclofen threads and feel deep in my heart--in my gut--that this is my way out; the end of this miserable fucking existence. Thanks to my caring older sister I received my first two months supply of bac last night from Dr L. He told me to start with 5mg, but being the personality type I am, I just couldn't follow instructions and took 10, although I am going to follow his instructions to the best of my ability. Within an hour all the fear, paranoia & anxiety (which are my daily hungover companions), disappeared, I only drank ? the amount I usually do and slept 10 hours as apposed to 5 or 6. Took 10mg this morning and I feel calm & anxiety free. Like I said, I am extremely hopeful and confident that desire, willpower, support of good people like you here, and baclofen is going to work to at least get me where I can get back on my feet and get out of this seemingly bottomless pit I've been sucked into.
I just got an email from Dr. L's pharmacy in Chicago that 20,000 mg's more are on the way, as it isn't available where I am located. I have a friend bringing it down next week from the states, so I'll be well supplied.
Anyway, that is my introduction to what I hope will be a mutually supportive relationship with you folks here.
Comment