Well, this looks like the place for unflinching honesty where I will be able to share my story completely. AA has been almost that place. But not quite.
I am on the border line of losing my family, my employer becoming aware of my problem and my health beginning to suffer. I have drank heavily on and off since I was 14. I'm 42 now. Never really cared to stop, but have at times. Now I really want to and can't seem to do it at all.
Over the last few months I have tried inpatient treatment, therapy, Naltrexone, anti-depressants, sheer will and AA. I got a sponsor, went to meetings, read the steps, tried to work the steps, exposed my soul to people, embarrassed myself when sharing intimate details and found once again I do not socialize on a long term basis with people very well.
I cannot get past the God thing either and I have no idea right now how I feel about a Higher Power. My thoughts on 'God' have changed many times. This program won't work for me unless I could figure that out in combination with conquering the social thing.
So I stopped calling people, I evenually didn't call my sponsor. I cannot face people when I have to admit I have been drinking. This fight for me is not over and the beast will not lay down and die. At least not yet. But I feel I am at a critical stage now. I am on a sort of fence. One side is survival and a sunny wheat field blowing in the breeze and the other is a slow death, a brick wall in a dark alley where all the unrecoverable alcoholics lean themselves against that wall and drown in booze.
I am choosing the side that's survival. I want the sunshine.
I know I can get farther and farther away from this addiction and it's hold on me. With knowledge about different ways to help myself I will learn the path that is right for me. Today is day 1 and I am going to start Campral today, up the Naltrexone dose.
There seems to be a lot of resources here and support. It is great to have found this site and find a new way to try to kill the beast.
I am on the border line of losing my family, my employer becoming aware of my problem and my health beginning to suffer. I have drank heavily on and off since I was 14. I'm 42 now. Never really cared to stop, but have at times. Now I really want to and can't seem to do it at all.
Over the last few months I have tried inpatient treatment, therapy, Naltrexone, anti-depressants, sheer will and AA. I got a sponsor, went to meetings, read the steps, tried to work the steps, exposed my soul to people, embarrassed myself when sharing intimate details and found once again I do not socialize on a long term basis with people very well.
I cannot get past the God thing either and I have no idea right now how I feel about a Higher Power. My thoughts on 'God' have changed many times. This program won't work for me unless I could figure that out in combination with conquering the social thing.
So I stopped calling people, I evenually didn't call my sponsor. I cannot face people when I have to admit I have been drinking. This fight for me is not over and the beast will not lay down and die. At least not yet. But I feel I am at a critical stage now. I am on a sort of fence. One side is survival and a sunny wheat field blowing in the breeze and the other is a slow death, a brick wall in a dark alley where all the unrecoverable alcoholics lean themselves against that wall and drown in booze.
I am choosing the side that's survival. I want the sunshine.
I know I can get farther and farther away from this addiction and it's hold on me. With knowledge about different ways to help myself I will learn the path that is right for me. Today is day 1 and I am going to start Campral today, up the Naltrexone dose.
There seems to be a lot of resources here and support. It is great to have found this site and find a new way to try to kill the beast.
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