Ok, so perfectionism about telling my story 'properly' has been stopping me from starting a thread here, so instead I'm going to copy-paste parts of my story I've already told elsewhere here and dive in. I'd like to try and track my progress here and would love and deeply appreciate any feedback and support along the way.
I'm 36, female, have been drinking heavily since my teens, but it's always been to a 'socially acceptable' enough level (especially since I live in Australia, where heavy drinking is rife), for me not to have ever really faced up to it before. Although, looking back with a bit less denial I'm a bit agog I've never worried about it seriously before and can see it's caused or contributed to lots of problems I just swept under the carpet.
Interestingly, I think what really triggered me into confronting it at last is quitting smoking... I quit several months ago and around that time my alcohol intake - already pretty high - suddenly really amped up, as did the negative effects. No morning drinking or the like (as yet) but way too much bingeing, horrible hangovers, more frequent blackout moments or even hours (scary!), more horrendous anxiety and depression. I have a few theories on why this is but in a way it's a blessing as things started to get bad enough to wake me up a little. Beyond that, I struggled so long and so hard to quit smoking that I do feel that finally managing to actually do it has nudged me to want to rid myself of my other major addiction.
At the moment I can go days, a week, even close to two weeks without drinking *relatively* easily, but it keeps luring me back, which inevitably leads to a night of bingeing (my off switch is so broken once I get going), which inevitably leads to incapacitating depression and anxiety that fills me with shame & guilt and makes me despair.
I fear struggling with this for years. I know I really need to quit. It just still feels so overwhelming an idea. Particularly when so much of my social life - and even my professional life - just revolves around booze. It's so hard to imagine giving it up entirely and there's always, always a reason not to - some party coming up, some wine-tasting event, my birthday, Christmas, on it goes. And all of my (entirely well-meaning) friends keep telling me I 'don't have a problem' 'am just a social drinker' 'just need to moderate' and so forth, which really doesn't help.
I have a history of (relatively minor) anxiety/depression & it runs in my family (both my mother & sister have big issues with both and both are non-drinkers). For whatever reason, perhaps just alcoholism's inevitable acceleration, both - and my drinking - have been ever-increasing and I started to wonder about the chicken and egg of it all. E.g. Am I drinking more because I'm depressed and anxious or depressed and anxious because I'm drinking more? And I've realised the answer is: both.
So, I've been reading a LOT (books and websites) about alcoholism and quitting drinking. I've also been journalling the last few months of on-off quitting (admittedly more off than on) and bingeing and how I feel afterwards. It's all there in black and white that it IS a problem and I'd be way better off without it and yet...
As I write I'm on Day 12 alcohol free (and in the 4 days before that I had a total of two glasses of wine on two separate days but that was following a huge binge on a Friday night - after I'd said 'just one or two' that felt like - yet another - wake up call). Already I feel so so much better and am trying to just focus on 30 days alcohol free for now. But I have a couple of big challenges coming up - my birthday next week and a holiday away the week after. So...
I also wrote elsewhere a list of the things I like when I don't drink (on 30/9). So here it is again as a reminder to myself down the track and maybe even a motivator to someone else too... I've loved reading other's stories here and really find it helps inspire me.
###
That the last two nights I slept soundly and uninterrupted for 8 hours *without* taking a sleeping pill. (Not that I always take them - just that I usually only sleep soundly when I do.)
I feel sparklier and sunnier - feeling the dark clouds start to lift
Feeling more able to think of, and be present with, the people I love
My anxiety is easing - not gone by any means, but definitely easing
Having the mental capacity to get properly engrossed in a novel again
Feeling more able to focus on work and feel motivated - not getting distracted every two minutes and feeling foggy, flat and hopeless
Having more energy to accomplish more - not getting so overwhelmed by every tiny thing
Not being as flooded by stress and irritation - my moods seem more stable already
Feeling proud of myself for tackling this - a sense of cleanness and light, rather than dark, shameful shadows
Not having horrendous hangovers and the associated guilt, remorse and shame
Saving money - alcohol is such a wallet drainer it's astonishing to realise when you stop
I've lost 1.5 kilos! I'm working out almost daily. I'm also more motivated to watch what I eat and eat healthily when I don't drink (no cravings for grease, stodge and sugar post drinking)
I'm sure there's more... but hopefully writing this out will help keep me strong over the weekend.
I'm 36, female, have been drinking heavily since my teens, but it's always been to a 'socially acceptable' enough level (especially since I live in Australia, where heavy drinking is rife), for me not to have ever really faced up to it before. Although, looking back with a bit less denial I'm a bit agog I've never worried about it seriously before and can see it's caused or contributed to lots of problems I just swept under the carpet.
Interestingly, I think what really triggered me into confronting it at last is quitting smoking... I quit several months ago and around that time my alcohol intake - already pretty high - suddenly really amped up, as did the negative effects. No morning drinking or the like (as yet) but way too much bingeing, horrible hangovers, more frequent blackout moments or even hours (scary!), more horrendous anxiety and depression. I have a few theories on why this is but in a way it's a blessing as things started to get bad enough to wake me up a little. Beyond that, I struggled so long and so hard to quit smoking that I do feel that finally managing to actually do it has nudged me to want to rid myself of my other major addiction.
At the moment I can go days, a week, even close to two weeks without drinking *relatively* easily, but it keeps luring me back, which inevitably leads to a night of bingeing (my off switch is so broken once I get going), which inevitably leads to incapacitating depression and anxiety that fills me with shame & guilt and makes me despair.
I fear struggling with this for years. I know I really need to quit. It just still feels so overwhelming an idea. Particularly when so much of my social life - and even my professional life - just revolves around booze. It's so hard to imagine giving it up entirely and there's always, always a reason not to - some party coming up, some wine-tasting event, my birthday, Christmas, on it goes. And all of my (entirely well-meaning) friends keep telling me I 'don't have a problem' 'am just a social drinker' 'just need to moderate' and so forth, which really doesn't help.
I have a history of (relatively minor) anxiety/depression & it runs in my family (both my mother & sister have big issues with both and both are non-drinkers). For whatever reason, perhaps just alcoholism's inevitable acceleration, both - and my drinking - have been ever-increasing and I started to wonder about the chicken and egg of it all. E.g. Am I drinking more because I'm depressed and anxious or depressed and anxious because I'm drinking more? And I've realised the answer is: both.
So, I've been reading a LOT (books and websites) about alcoholism and quitting drinking. I've also been journalling the last few months of on-off quitting (admittedly more off than on) and bingeing and how I feel afterwards. It's all there in black and white that it IS a problem and I'd be way better off without it and yet...
As I write I'm on Day 12 alcohol free (and in the 4 days before that I had a total of two glasses of wine on two separate days but that was following a huge binge on a Friday night - after I'd said 'just one or two' that felt like - yet another - wake up call). Already I feel so so much better and am trying to just focus on 30 days alcohol free for now. But I have a couple of big challenges coming up - my birthday next week and a holiday away the week after. So...
I also wrote elsewhere a list of the things I like when I don't drink (on 30/9). So here it is again as a reminder to myself down the track and maybe even a motivator to someone else too... I've loved reading other's stories here and really find it helps inspire me.
###
That the last two nights I slept soundly and uninterrupted for 8 hours *without* taking a sleeping pill. (Not that I always take them - just that I usually only sleep soundly when I do.)
I feel sparklier and sunnier - feeling the dark clouds start to lift
Feeling more able to think of, and be present with, the people I love
My anxiety is easing - not gone by any means, but definitely easing
Having the mental capacity to get properly engrossed in a novel again
Feeling more able to focus on work and feel motivated - not getting distracted every two minutes and feeling foggy, flat and hopeless
Having more energy to accomplish more - not getting so overwhelmed by every tiny thing
Not being as flooded by stress and irritation - my moods seem more stable already
Feeling proud of myself for tackling this - a sense of cleanness and light, rather than dark, shameful shadows
Not having horrendous hangovers and the associated guilt, remorse and shame
Saving money - alcohol is such a wallet drainer it's astonishing to realise when you stop
I've lost 1.5 kilos! I'm working out almost daily. I'm also more motivated to watch what I eat and eat healthily when I don't drink (no cravings for grease, stodge and sugar post drinking)
I'm sure there's more... but hopefully writing this out will help keep me strong over the weekend.
But right now it felt too hard. But I did feel a bit sad, isolated and boring.
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