Diving in at last...

[patrice]

Diving in at last...

Hi Lilly

I've just started this AF journey again and this time determined to succeed one day at a time.
I'm also doing the not smoking thing as I find the two are so linked for me.

I'm also happy to be here..

...and you are going really well

Take care
Patrice

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

Well... back again after a relapse. I DID go almost 30 days (28), including my birthday and a holiday away, which was pretty big. Then had a 'fuck it' night at a friend's birthday dinner where I knew I'd end up paying for all the copious wine being poured so rationalised I might as well enjoy it. It wasn't all over then - been up down the last couple of weeks but not drinking all that crazily. Til last night when an emotional crisis sent me running for the bottle big time. Of course today the problem still exists, but on top of it I was hungover and even more depressed by the come down. So today I'm getting back on the wagon, something I know is going to be particularly hard given the holiday season and, in all honestly, need to find that motivation/drive again.

On another note, I just want to get out... had a weird experience out last night with friends being 'relieved' i was drinking again, telling me how good it was, grilling me about how surely I must be happy to be drinking again and another friend letting slip they 'hadn't been coping with it well'. WTF? Seriously, it's not like I was being preachy or smug or telling them not to drink or even not going out - I'd go out with them still and just not drink. ALL my other close friends have been supportive and great about it. It really revealed that these are drinking buddies and that's it. (And that they're also just alcoholics in denial.) I'd told them I felt much happier/better for not drinking yet they were so happy I was joining in again. Speaks volumes, right? Pissed me off. But I guess that's another blessing of sobriety - shows you which friends have your best interests at heart.

[beagle]

Diving in at last...

LillyE, it's good that you're back here. says volumes for the fact that you would like to be AF, or mod properly.
a thing that's funny to me ; i have 2 good friends here who do drink ,but 1 can simply consume a few, the other is like me , we keep going til all is done. are we boring? no. are we fun? yes. & that in itself says a lots about our culture. to drink is still "in", where i live, to drink is still "having a good time", whereas to not drink is apparently "boring".
to fight against the tide is tough, but salmon do it all the time, without the brain power we have, so sheesh i reckon let's go for it!!!! & then again my brain isn't apparently helping me just yet....
nice to meet you, i hope we can communicate again soon.
best always.

[Willow23]

Diving in at last...

Lilly, I can really identify with a lot that you said in your posts and it really inspires me. I'm only on day 4 and I feel really low from quitting, but it's good to know that it gets better as time goes on, and that even if I do relapse at some point, it's still never too late to start ovr again. So thank you!

[Ellaq]

Diving in at last...

Hi Lilly

Reading your first post was a little eerie for me. Such much was similar.....from the age...similar birthdays.......holidaying at the same time......and drinking in the same manner. I was starting to wonder whether in a black-out I had joined under a different name and posted.....

I too value my time AF and hate it when people just say Have One? What harm will it do? Drinking is so In in many cultures all over the world. People tell me I don't look like a drinker......have never been sure whether it is because I look so fresh or because they think I am a little boring.

Hang on to your closest friends......the ones that support you. They just want you to drink so that they feel better about themselves. I used to be like that with my husband.....always nagging him to have another drink with me.

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

Thanks so much Beagle, Willow and Ella (my doppelganger for replying. I have to be honest that I'm still struggling to find my motivation to really commit to another quit - especially at the moment when I'm feeling down about other stuff and it's the silly season - so the support really helps. Willow and Ellaq, the fact that the things I wrote resonated with you is also encouraging as reading other people's posts that resonated with me has been so helpful, so it's a great incentive to keep posting, which I need right now.

And oh boy, I hear you about being 'boring' if you don't drink. It's a big mental stumbling block for me myself because it's so ingrained - especially in Australian culture - that to drink is to 'have fun'. I find it hard to get past, even though I know how boring drunks can be - myself included - and that I can totally have fun, more fun in a way, sober. (Though I do find myself going home early to book and bed which admittedly can feel a little boring when everyone else is partying on.) I'm trying to read Alan Carr's book at the moment but finding it a slog as he's just such a bad writer. Still, his smoking book helped me massively to quit so it's worth a go.

Willow, even though I'm struggling for motivation at the moment I can honestly, cross my heart say I felt a bazillion times better for not drinking and drinking again has made me far more unhappy than it's made me happy. Sure, I've enjoyed the temporary buzz or deadening of my emotions but there's also the sadness, the depression afterwards, the messiness, the battering to your self esteem. For me anyway, each time I found it took a week or two before I really started to notice feeling better, so hang in there!

Anyone feel free to PM me anytime. I'm not on here a ton at the moment but will always reply eventually. Keep hanging in there. Onwards and upwards and better things ahead...

Lilly

[Steady Hands]

Diving in at last...

Hi Lilly

Enjoyed your story on my second sober night!! Can't get myself away from my computer!

Your story hit close to home for me too. South-African culture includes a lot of drinking ass well. Or 90% of people I know over drink and the other 10% are those I always saw as boring... And now I wonder what they know that I don't?

Day 4 is where I usually start questioning my decision to be AF, because it gets boring... I have done this too many times, and then my drinking buddies/family comes along... I can see now that over the years it was a series of mini AF attempts and relapses. And I was sooo open about the fact that I thought I had a problem. Most thought I was over reacting.

My openness only resulted in people identifying me as someone who always had booze at home and a place to get very drunk if they wanted to. They also knew that they wouldn't be alone and that I would probably get more drunk than them!! It took me a while to see this. It is nice to be popular and when your family thanks you that they can always rely on you...

This time I made sure it wouldn't happen again. Threw my #1 drinking buddy out...Seperated from hubby 15 weeks ago. Told certain family members in the crudest language to go and abuse themselves and haven't seen them in 3 weeks!!

Scary and lonely - YES!!
The right thing to do? - ABSOLUTELY!!

May the good people in our lives remain!

SH!

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

Steady Hands, I wish I had seen your post sooner! I hope you're doing ok? How's it going? I haven't logged in because I've been busy jumping on and off the wagon. I'm having a hard time *really* committing to quitting again even though I *know* I need to. Just last night i had over a bottle of wine at a friend's place and felt crap today - so not getting work done I need to get done. I'm also seeing a therapist at the moment and it's making me realise more and more that drinking is the antithesis to building the things I really want in my life and yet...

The social stuff... it's the hardest for me. Or maybe that's just my biggest justification? I completely hear you on the 90% of people I know over drink and the other 10% I always considered 'boring'. And I really struggle with feeling 'boring' when I don't drink.

That said, I am so, so grateful that most of my friends have been supportive, even though many clearly haven't really 'got it' and think I'm over-worrying. Still, the important thing is that they're being supportive/accepting. It's honestly opened my eyes though to one friendship in particular that clearly needs to go - or at least play a minimal role in my life - as her reactions about it speak VOLUMES.

So good for you! Wow. That must be so difficult but that is so strong and smart. Do you have supportive, non drinking friends you can lean on? If not, can you get involved with something like your local AA to meet them? As much as I don't feel AA is for me, I do think it would be helpful just for that alone.

Wishing you continued strength my friend. Feel free to PM me anytime.

L

[Steady Hands]

Diving in at last...

Hi LillyE

Glad to hear from you too!!

I understand that the socializing part is the most difficult for you to handle. At work we are "safe". You do not have to drink. Never mind not supposed to!! And usually focusing on the task in front of you lets anxiety and depression disappear for a while. That is how it works for me in any case. ( Also a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression)

Social situations used to freak me out!! People directly gazing into my eyes and asking questions and feeling so inadquate!! Am I beautiful enough? Do they think I am stupid? Zero self esteem!! It was horrible!!

Zero self esteem the result from a very traumatic childhood which included an alcoholic father...My perception of alcoholism was that it = you will have no control to stop drinking and then you will not be worthy of love.

Low self esteem, anxious teen age girl + alcohol = I FEEL OK

And from there on I always had alcohol somewhere tucked away. This became a huge part of my identity.

I had dinner with an old friend the other day. She knew me in heavy drinking days, but has no idea how my drinking has escalated the past few years. She is part of the boring 10% who rarely drinks, BUT now she is having dinner with me... Oh my word!! Half the dinner she spoke about the one time we went out and got drunk (years ago) and the other half explaining to her other friend (who was the designated driver, since she is pregnant) how she has to drink a second glass of wine with me, because I'm that friend to her. I was disgusted!! Even the boring 10% used me to get their 2 glases drink on!!

And this is where I would like to encourage you to try again. And again ... I AM NOT EVERYBODY'S DRINKING BUDDY!!! But this is, what I discovered, primarily what people use me for. An excuse to drink, because they are with me now.

You read me right. I am a very strong person. And perfected the art of being a functional drunk for too many years. I understand that people think that it doesn't bother me. But it does. And I am angry at them at this stage!!

What made me wanted to stop was getting the feeling that I started to slide and that I'm heading for disaster...I couldn't pull it all together anymore. I asked people around me if they noticed, but nobody did. But on the other hand, they only know me faking being ok.

I am still studying and the worst was feeling how it started to affect my learning ability. My anxiety (can't say depression) disappeared, because I became too busy with damage control. I lost all my money that I thought I would use to further my studies because I had 2 unwanted babies with a pathetic drunk in denial. My substance dependant family adores him. I have to study full time and is financially dependant on them....so, yeah - enough reason to be depressed. BUT IT IS TEMPORARY!

2 years from now I will have a great degree and be making tons of money. There is a big change that I'll be AF for more than 2 years!! And I will teach my children the BLESSING of living. I will NOT carry over the drunken CURSE!!

Wow!! This post is way longer than what I intended. It just seems that you want to be AF, but value your friendships with people who abuse AL a lot? It is scary, because that will have to change in some way. I cried in the newbies nest last night, because I was requested by my mom to go away for christmas, since my sisters don't want to see me at this stage...I have no idea how my relationship with my family will change, but I know it has to. IT IS A MUST!!

No, I don't have a support system with non-AL friends, and don't like the AA idea. I have MWO...
Maybe I'll try it, just because you mentioned it... this is lonely!!

This is day 7 for me. Hope you feel inspired to have your day 1 again soon.:l
Either way. I won't judge you. Everybody has their own way, and time.

Go well.

Last thing: Hangovers was an excellent anxiety buster for me. It made AL a beautiful friend who made me sleep tight and couldn't care the next day. Now that things went realy bad, it is far easier to be anxious and simply face situations, than the health threat that accompany AL.

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

I'm back again after a long spell of drinking and trying to hide my head in the sand about it. Focusing on the month of April booze free for now.

[Unwasted]

Diving in at last...

Lilly, welcome back. I guess you already know your way around the site........the Newbie's Nest and Toolbox? Anyway, it's great that you've chosen to free yourself from alcohol. Let us know how we can help. Do you have a plan? Sending you peace and strength. :lilheart:

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

Thank you Unwasted. I appreciate that and your help the last time around. As for a plan, well, my plan for now is to focus on the month of April dry. The month after that I am going away, for the whole month, to visit friends who are big drinkers. (I know, but I made this plan before I committed to quitting again. I can't seem to think too far ahead right now. I feel a bit defeated by previous failures. I know I feel better when I don't drink - it's keeping it going I struggle with. But I also know it seems to just get worse each time I go back to it and it scares me. I hope you're doing well too.

[LillyE]

Diving in at last...

Just posting a small update here for myself as much as anything because it's helped me to read back my posts 8 months ago and remember why I wanted to quit in the first place.

Things haven't been great during that time drinking-wise but haven't been as quite bleak as they were - least I don't think so - though that is perhaps just due to going on Lexapro and getting some therapy.

Still, my "April free" kicked off to a dismal start - managing less than a week I think then some heavy binge drinking. But here I am on day 10 free and focusing instead on trying to get myself in a zero tolerance mindset before my trip to Thailand, which I still worry will go out the window once I'm on holiday and surrounded by wine and cocktails and people partying - particularly at this resort holiday happening the first weekend I'm there.

Another challenge this week... a first dinner date on Friday or Saturday night ... will see how that goes booze free.

My booze brain still keeps telling me maybe I could moderate but my heart knows its a lie and it just leads to bingeing, which leads to problems. I'd like to get some really solid AF time under my belt to see how I feel and what changes it makes to my life.

[Foley]

Diving in at last...

Hello! I agree that quitting drinking opens new opportunities for you, it is like starting new life. Besides, you will feel better physically and mentally.