Well..... I had been drinking since the age of 15. I thought it was a cool macho thing to do in my teens, and I fell in love with the feeling of being drunk. For the next 27 years my life revolved around drinking. I drank every weekend in my teen years, I happened to go to a college where alcohol was not permitted, so I made up for it every free chance I got. Once I got out of school I continued on as a heavy binge drinker for the next 15 years having my fair share of relationship problems, a DUI, (where I was first introduced to AA), and minor run ins with the law periodically. My wife married me knowing I liked to drink, and she even accused me of being an alcoholic more than a few times over our 20 year relationship. The funny thing was I never thought I had a problem. I was always the last guy at the party, I was always the guy double fisting and drinking as many shots as I could. I drank because I loved drinking. Now I did think I might have a little self control issue, being that I could not stop at "a couple of drinks". If I could only have a couple I would rather not drink at all.
But how could I possibly have a drinking problem? I made a good living, I stayed married, I have kids, I have alot of friends and I was well respected by most people in my community.
About 5 years ago I moved into my dream home, and I work from a home office, and my youngest son started attending school. This meant that I had more time on my hands, and I had some expendable cash. I got real tired of the wife always accusing me of drinking after I only had "a couple of beers", so I came up with a plan...subconsciously I think. If I was drinking a majority of the time how could anyone tell the buzzed me from the sober me? It happened one weekday when I was taking some clients out to lunch and they order some beers. Well I followed suit. Next think you know I am drinking beers for lunch almost daily, and then a couple more before I got home. As this progressed I found that I enjoyed Vodka for my evening drinking pleasure. Fast forward about three years, and I am drinking 5 days a week, normally about 12-18 beers a day and then half a bottle of vodka at night. I would wake up in the morning still drunk, and roll down to the 7/11 to have some Mikes hard lemonade or a couple of those lime beers and a couple of donuts for breakfast.
I had empty cans and bottles throughout my office and my car hidden all over the place. I was a walking recycler. It took 3 or 4 drinks in the morning to get me going, then I would have a few for lunch and then off to the races every evening. Drinking consumed every aspect of my life. Looking back I realize that drinking had always played a major role in my life. It was really the only thing I ever looked forward to. Vacation...where is the bar..did we pack enough beer? Ballgame...we have to leave 5 hours early to tailgate. Wedding...open bar right?? Anywayd, my life had been based on getting drunk for as long as I could remember, and now I was living the dream.....or was I?
I started to realize my health getting worse, I always seemed tired and moody. I thought I had been depressed for the last 5-10- years, but I normally felt better drunk. But planning my days around drinking and staying loaded all of the time became a really hard job. But I realized as I would take a day or two off from drinking I would get pretty severe shakes, and I would have what felt to be anxiety attacks, shortness of breath, my toenails were dying, I had heart palpitations and pains on my sides. Now I have been known to be a bit of a hypochondriac in the past, but I was pretty sure my health was failing.
On the home front my wife noticed that I was always chewing gum and using mouthwash, and I promised her thousands of times over the years that I was gonna quit...someday...but I can't now because Octoberfest is coming or the holidays, or my birthday, or summer...I knew I could never really quit...what would I do with my life?I lied and had so many broken promises behind me what was a couple more??
Finally June 2010 2 days before my youngest sons Allstar baseball game the World Cup was being played. I played golf that morning with my brother and a friend, and I promised my wife I wouldn't drink and probably would even go watch the soccer game after golf, but I ended up sitting at a bar at 10AM. I texted saying I wasn't going to drink, to which she replied "sure". The text war began and I got completely wasted until 6AM the next day. When I got home she was gone....so I drank.
She showed up to the Allstar game after spending 2 days at her sister's house, and I cleaned myself up and did not drink much before the ball game. As they were announcing my sons name on the loudspeaker as next up to bat, I started to feel like death coming on. I couldn't sit still. I thought I was having a stroke or a heart attack and had to start walking around the ball field because I had the shakes so bad..I hadn't medicated enough prior to the game. At that point I didn't care if I died, I just didn't want to ruin my sons big AllStar moment. Needless to say I got through that day and it scared the sober into me a little.
The following day I was sitting at my desk and my wife came in and said "you have to quit drinking". I said I know, but you will have to find me something other than AA. With that she slammed the door, and I google search everything I could find regarding sobriety and recovery and alcoholism. I had TRIED to stop many times over the last 2 years and really TRIED to moderated 100's of times over the last 20 years, but I just couldn't do it TRYING. I broke down crying here in front of my computer as I searched for my answer. I had tried herbs and hypnosis and changing drinks and drinking water to moderate....but I never just quit with the intention of quitting forever. Obviously that was never a real thought I had pondered because how could I live a happy fulfilled successful life without drinking?? That is why I woke up in the morning and went to work. I really thought at that time I was powerless....until I decided that I wanted to be sober.
I was at the point where I was still physically dependent and I was so metally obsessed with drinking that getting through day one was a nightmare. But I whiteknuckled and did it one hour at a time. As day 2 came on I started researching why I drank the way I did in the past and I started using a form of CBT that I remembered from an old Tony Robbins Peresonal Power tape from 20 years ago, and I remembered how bad I felt on the day of my sons Allstar game. I closed my eyes and relived those hours and it made me so sick I almost vomited. Then everytime I felt the urge to drink, I tried to get that feeling back. I basically made myself feel emotionally and physically ill everytime I thought about drinking. My next tool I used was I started imagining that all alcohol was warm urine. I did this because although I could make myself feel sick thinking about drinking, I would still see alcohol on TV or at a gathering and my mouth would water. Well by imagining that it was warm urine, and imagining the smell I almost forced myself to dry heave when I saw people drinking.....and I almost did the first party I attended at 1 week in to sobriety. Now many people will say stay away from "people places and things", but I could not lead a normal happy life without being around booze and people who drink it. I would have to throw my whole life and many friendships away. I had to learn to deal with it. This "urine" trick did the trick to make me not crave booze when I saw it.
Aside from those two tools I researched recovery and programs and read books every night so I could understand why I had my problems with alcohol in the past and how to best recover from the damage I had done to my brain and my body. On day 3 I started a vigorous workout program using the P90X system, and I would basically start my workouts when I was usually starting my drinking. I researched supplements and weightloss methods and began walking 5 miles a day with my dog and my wife.
Each week I got in better mental and physical shape, I repaired my relationship with my wife, and staying sober got easier although I was still obsessed with drinking. As I got past the first month people started recognizing changes in my appearance and in my attitude. I had people tell me I am such a nice person to be around, and I look like I was working out and it made me feel really good and continue on my path. Finally at 6 weeks I had a major breakthrough. A day passed where I did not have the urge to drink. It was like a miracle..like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Everyday after that it got easier and easier. There is more to my story that I will write later on, but I have learned many methods and have become a success coach and learned hypnotherapy since I started this journey 15 months ago, and I am here to say that if I can learn to quit drinking and to enjoy sobriety anyone can do it.
But how could I possibly have a drinking problem? I made a good living, I stayed married, I have kids, I have alot of friends and I was well respected by most people in my community.
About 5 years ago I moved into my dream home, and I work from a home office, and my youngest son started attending school. This meant that I had more time on my hands, and I had some expendable cash. I got real tired of the wife always accusing me of drinking after I only had "a couple of beers", so I came up with a plan...subconsciously I think. If I was drinking a majority of the time how could anyone tell the buzzed me from the sober me? It happened one weekday when I was taking some clients out to lunch and they order some beers. Well I followed suit. Next think you know I am drinking beers for lunch almost daily, and then a couple more before I got home. As this progressed I found that I enjoyed Vodka for my evening drinking pleasure. Fast forward about three years, and I am drinking 5 days a week, normally about 12-18 beers a day and then half a bottle of vodka at night. I would wake up in the morning still drunk, and roll down to the 7/11 to have some Mikes hard lemonade or a couple of those lime beers and a couple of donuts for breakfast.
I had empty cans and bottles throughout my office and my car hidden all over the place. I was a walking recycler. It took 3 or 4 drinks in the morning to get me going, then I would have a few for lunch and then off to the races every evening. Drinking consumed every aspect of my life. Looking back I realize that drinking had always played a major role in my life. It was really the only thing I ever looked forward to. Vacation...where is the bar..did we pack enough beer? Ballgame...we have to leave 5 hours early to tailgate. Wedding...open bar right?? Anywayd, my life had been based on getting drunk for as long as I could remember, and now I was living the dream.....or was I?
I started to realize my health getting worse, I always seemed tired and moody. I thought I had been depressed for the last 5-10- years, but I normally felt better drunk. But planning my days around drinking and staying loaded all of the time became a really hard job. But I realized as I would take a day or two off from drinking I would get pretty severe shakes, and I would have what felt to be anxiety attacks, shortness of breath, my toenails were dying, I had heart palpitations and pains on my sides. Now I have been known to be a bit of a hypochondriac in the past, but I was pretty sure my health was failing.
On the home front my wife noticed that I was always chewing gum and using mouthwash, and I promised her thousands of times over the years that I was gonna quit...someday...but I can't now because Octoberfest is coming or the holidays, or my birthday, or summer...I knew I could never really quit...what would I do with my life?I lied and had so many broken promises behind me what was a couple more??
Finally June 2010 2 days before my youngest sons Allstar baseball game the World Cup was being played. I played golf that morning with my brother and a friend, and I promised my wife I wouldn't drink and probably would even go watch the soccer game after golf, but I ended up sitting at a bar at 10AM. I texted saying I wasn't going to drink, to which she replied "sure". The text war began and I got completely wasted until 6AM the next day. When I got home she was gone....so I drank.
She showed up to the Allstar game after spending 2 days at her sister's house, and I cleaned myself up and did not drink much before the ball game. As they were announcing my sons name on the loudspeaker as next up to bat, I started to feel like death coming on. I couldn't sit still. I thought I was having a stroke or a heart attack and had to start walking around the ball field because I had the shakes so bad..I hadn't medicated enough prior to the game. At that point I didn't care if I died, I just didn't want to ruin my sons big AllStar moment. Needless to say I got through that day and it scared the sober into me a little.
The following day I was sitting at my desk and my wife came in and said "you have to quit drinking". I said I know, but you will have to find me something other than AA. With that she slammed the door, and I google search everything I could find regarding sobriety and recovery and alcoholism. I had TRIED to stop many times over the last 2 years and really TRIED to moderated 100's of times over the last 20 years, but I just couldn't do it TRYING. I broke down crying here in front of my computer as I searched for my answer. I had tried herbs and hypnosis and changing drinks and drinking water to moderate....but I never just quit with the intention of quitting forever. Obviously that was never a real thought I had pondered because how could I live a happy fulfilled successful life without drinking?? That is why I woke up in the morning and went to work. I really thought at that time I was powerless....until I decided that I wanted to be sober.
I was at the point where I was still physically dependent and I was so metally obsessed with drinking that getting through day one was a nightmare. But I whiteknuckled and did it one hour at a time. As day 2 came on I started researching why I drank the way I did in the past and I started using a form of CBT that I remembered from an old Tony Robbins Peresonal Power tape from 20 years ago, and I remembered how bad I felt on the day of my sons Allstar game. I closed my eyes and relived those hours and it made me so sick I almost vomited. Then everytime I felt the urge to drink, I tried to get that feeling back. I basically made myself feel emotionally and physically ill everytime I thought about drinking. My next tool I used was I started imagining that all alcohol was warm urine. I did this because although I could make myself feel sick thinking about drinking, I would still see alcohol on TV or at a gathering and my mouth would water. Well by imagining that it was warm urine, and imagining the smell I almost forced myself to dry heave when I saw people drinking.....and I almost did the first party I attended at 1 week in to sobriety. Now many people will say stay away from "people places and things", but I could not lead a normal happy life without being around booze and people who drink it. I would have to throw my whole life and many friendships away. I had to learn to deal with it. This "urine" trick did the trick to make me not crave booze when I saw it.
Aside from those two tools I researched recovery and programs and read books every night so I could understand why I had my problems with alcohol in the past and how to best recover from the damage I had done to my brain and my body. On day 3 I started a vigorous workout program using the P90X system, and I would basically start my workouts when I was usually starting my drinking. I researched supplements and weightloss methods and began walking 5 miles a day with my dog and my wife.
Each week I got in better mental and physical shape, I repaired my relationship with my wife, and staying sober got easier although I was still obsessed with drinking. As I got past the first month people started recognizing changes in my appearance and in my attitude. I had people tell me I am such a nice person to be around, and I look like I was working out and it made me feel really good and continue on my path. Finally at 6 weeks I had a major breakthrough. A day passed where I did not have the urge to drink. It was like a miracle..like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Everyday after that it got easier and easier. There is more to my story that I will write later on, but I have learned many methods and have become a success coach and learned hypnotherapy since I started this journey 15 months ago, and I am here to say that if I can learn to quit drinking and to enjoy sobriety anyone can do it.
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