Emotional Capacity

[Amy_Prohabition]

I am a wife of an addict. To assist in my healing process I need a question answered and I would appreciate the help of those willing to do so.

1) Do you feel love for your partner?
(based upon the thought that if you loved your partner and are aware of the distress and pain addiction causes the family, you still choose addiction over treatment)


And please answer me this: How can you continue your addiction knowing that it is destroying your partner?

[greeneyes]

Emotional Capacity

Amy, I'm sorry you are in what I imagine is a very painful situation. I have been on both sides of addiction in a partnership and for me it was very painful. Although I have to say that for me, being the addict was worse. The addiction behavior is not a reflection of love for family or partner. The idea of "if you really loved me you would/wouldn't _____" doesn't fit. Continuing to engage in the addiction knowing the damaging consequences to yourself and loved ones is part of the agony of addiction. That's how powerful it is and I'm not sure it is something a sober partner can really and truly grasp having not experienced it themselves. I hope that you are finding support for yourself in navigating this experience. A therapist, alanon, family and friends. Have you looked in the section for family affected by alcoholism? Best to you.

[Marshy]

Emotional Capacity

Amy,

Here's a link to information about how you might offer help to an addict from a website called Spiritual River.

Strategies for Helping Addicts and Alcoholics to Get the Help they Need

It pretty much boils down to: there's not very much you can do, and remember to look after yourself.

As Greeneyes says, addiction is not a reflection of how your partner feels about you, it's just an overwhelmingly powerful force.

[sunshinetoday]

Emotional Capacity

Hi Amy,

I am really sorry for what you are going through.

I am married to a really wonderful person. There was a time when my addiction was controlling me, and letting me forget about how everything outside of the bottle was deteriorating around me. It took me getting and staying sober for a period of time to really understand how terrible it was for him. Now we have a wonderful relationship, but I wanted to make it better. I got tired of the loneliness, darkness, depression, bottomless pit you live in when you are drinking all the time. It's not to do with you, it has do with the person with the problem. It's really hard to explain, unless you have been in that bottomless hole of a bottle yourself. You do need to take care of yourself though. I hope that things work out for you.

[SebD6]

Emotional Capacity

The sad thing about love and alcohol is that alcohol sometmes elates the feeling of love ad after takes it away, and for some vice versa, making things indifferent. It's a carousel of emotions that can fluctuate and brig positive and negative add ons to relationship. In a long term negative ones prevail.

Having a partner being an alcoholic, in spite love, which seemingly can conquer it alll is a bit of a myth, albeit with success stories.....

A lot of people think that drinking occurs due to unhappy relationship or problems relating to one. The bright side of it is that a drinker may be still perfectly happy but cannot stop drinking as levels of endorphins are too low to cease. That is an easy explanation, but only a tip of an iceberg with so many other reasons.

Ultimately, from my own experiencs, there is cognitive reson ( thinking pattern) and physcal reason ( lacko of pleasurable substance in the brain that would replace the 'feeling good' , both ae iterlinked and exis as a seperate and one entity at the same ime.

Prpbably not very helpful explanation, but to some extent one of many why and how....it is happening.

[aprilmoon]

Emotional Capacity

Amy, your husband does love you, but he loves his drink more! I know that is hard to hear, but it was how it was with me. I loved my husband more than I loved myself, but I loved my Rum more than both of us. My Rum could take over my brain and I couldn't listen to reason.

Thankfully my husband is a very patient man. He never said anything to me about my drinking. I thought I had it all. I had him and I had my rum. I think I am so greatful he didn't say anything to me about my drinking.

Now that I don't drink we do talk about it. He has told me so many stories about how it made him feel when I was drunk. I wasn't a mean drunk. I would just drink until I couldn't walk. He was usually in bed for hours and hours before I would go to bed. I think he only saw me really drunk a couple of times. He did tell me he always knew I was drunk even when I tried to hide it.

You husband had to stop drinking on his own terms. He has to want it for himself. I hope that you are as patient as my husband was. I didn't stop drinking on my first try. We have been married 15 years and this Christmas will be the 3rd that I will not be drunk or have a hugh hang over.

[Road to Recovery]

Emotional Capacity

Amy_Prohabition;1196988 wrote: I am a wife of an addict. To assist in my healing process I need a question answered and I would appreciate the help of those willing to do so.

1) Do you feel love for your partner?
(based upon the thought that if you loved your partner and are aware of the distress and pain addiction causes the family, you still choose addiction over treatment)


And please answer me this: How can you continue your addiction knowing that it is destroying your partner?

I am an alcoholic that is married to a wonderful woman and have two children that I love more than life itself.
I am sorry for what you are going through, I can only imagine how hard it is for you to watch someone self distruct like that and throw everything they have away for a bottle.
I can tell you that your husband is NOT choosing alcohol over you. Your husband is not making those descions - the alcohol is controlling his descion making abilities.

It is very, very hard for alcoholics who do not have a support system to help them realize that they are not alone. When I first signed up at MWO, I thought I was the only one that hid bottles, seeked drinks, drank alone in the basement until I passed out everynight, used money my family didn't have to get more booze. Yes I knew it was wrong but I didn't know how to stop. After joining MWO - I realized I was not alone, I was not the only one. I am not weak - I have a disease. I am not a loser and I am a disgrace.

My wife felt the very same as you - she couldn't understand why I chose booze over family. Unfortunately, unless you are an alcoholic, you have absolutely no idea the shame and guilt we face everyday. No I am not asking you to feel sorry for him - I am just trying to let you know a bit of what we feel when we are in the trap.

But your husband has to take that first step - he needs to reach out for help. He needs to be willing to take the help. No one can do this for him. He needs to take the first step.

I have been sober for almost two years. I have seen many people join this sight and ask for help. Some are still here fighting to gain control - some have managed to gain control but all too many seem to just come and go - it is painful to watch but it is our reality.

Is your husband willing to talk to some one? Will he admit that he has a problem? If so, tell him about this site - tell him to join our forum and tell his story, tell him he is not alone. No one here will judge him - we have all been where he is now. We can help, there are many ways to fight this battle - it's not just AA anymore. I would be ewilling to talk to him either via email or phone if he would like.
He needs to make the first step.
I wish you both luck in your journey, it does not have to be alone.