I have always liked a drink, I started drinking regularly at about 17... It was binge drinking at first, I left school early and lived with my parents so found it very easy to spend entire paychecks on weekend (sessions) down 1 bar in a neighboring town who didn't really seem to care about my ID. These weekend binges carried on until I was 18 when I found it much easier to get hold of booze and would buy it from the store and drink most evenings after work, not always heavy amounts but the days on drink increased.
It didn't take my family long to realise that I was starting to develop a drinking problem, but I ignored their advice thinking I knew best... eventually at 19 I left home and went to live with my girlfriend and the pattern continued to be moderate drinking with the occasional heavy binges.
The real turning point in my drinking levels occured in 2004 when I was 22 my baby boy died at 1 month old, I was pretty messed up and tried to stay strong for my partner. Increasingly I found the only way to do this was with alcohol to numb the mental pain I was in (It's only now I realise what a mistake that was).. It was at this stage I started drinking during the day.
I spent the next 6 years as a functioning alcoholic, that is I was able to control my drinking enough to be able to stop for short times when I needed to. But of course my tolerance for booze was growing and I was regularly drinking 8 cans of strong lager a day... by the end of 2010 my wife left me taking the kids and I was unable to control the drinking any more, and moved on to hard liquor Vodka and Whisky etc. This was really the point at which I went over the edge, i felt I had nothing to live for.
I would drink till I passed out, then when I woke sit there and shake and sweat until 8am when I could go and get some more liquor from the store, drink that and repeat the cycle, I borrowed money off of everybody and anybody and increased my alcohol intake until I physicly and financially could not cope. I was ignorant of the damage I was doing to my body. During one drunken escapade I lost all my money and having lost all my money found myself in a bad place with alcohol withdrawal. The next day the sweats and shakes were pretty hard to cope with, I tried having a bath but had to abandon that plan as I feared I was going to lose pass out. The night was worse with vivid dreams and hallucinations accompanying the physical symptoms, the symptoms got worse and I had what I think was a fit... They rushed me to the Emergency department and gave me a dose of librium. I thought at this stage I was saved but they discharged me with advice to cut down.
I was a wreck by this point, and sold all of my belongings of value to get enough liquor taper off, but being the weak willed alcoholic I am I soon started drinking over the quota and within day drunk it all. That night I tried killing myself in a drunken state because I had reached absolute rock bottom, but I found I couldn't do it. At 10am the next morning the police arrived and took me to the hospital. Apparently I had posted a scuicide note via email. Something which I still don't remember doing.
I spent 1 month inside a secure unit at hospital and completed a 10 day detox, I told myself over and over in hospital despite cravings for alcohol I wouldn't drink again. I left the hospital at start of this month. And it did not take long until the old demons for drink were back, I had a major lapse for 2 days last week and found myself back in the emergency department with a head injury. Now its been 1 week AF and I have been given Campral for the cravings... which fingers crossed seems to be working ok at the moment, although its only 333 i might see if they can up the dose.
Sorry for such a rambling confession, I'm glad I found this forum as I guess the best people to understand are those in similar situations.
It didn't take my family long to realise that I was starting to develop a drinking problem, but I ignored their advice thinking I knew best... eventually at 19 I left home and went to live with my girlfriend and the pattern continued to be moderate drinking with the occasional heavy binges.
The real turning point in my drinking levels occured in 2004 when I was 22 my baby boy died at 1 month old, I was pretty messed up and tried to stay strong for my partner. Increasingly I found the only way to do this was with alcohol to numb the mental pain I was in (It's only now I realise what a mistake that was).. It was at this stage I started drinking during the day.
I spent the next 6 years as a functioning alcoholic, that is I was able to control my drinking enough to be able to stop for short times when I needed to. But of course my tolerance for booze was growing and I was regularly drinking 8 cans of strong lager a day... by the end of 2010 my wife left me taking the kids and I was unable to control the drinking any more, and moved on to hard liquor Vodka and Whisky etc. This was really the point at which I went over the edge, i felt I had nothing to live for.
I would drink till I passed out, then when I woke sit there and shake and sweat until 8am when I could go and get some more liquor from the store, drink that and repeat the cycle, I borrowed money off of everybody and anybody and increased my alcohol intake until I physicly and financially could not cope. I was ignorant of the damage I was doing to my body. During one drunken escapade I lost all my money and having lost all my money found myself in a bad place with alcohol withdrawal. The next day the sweats and shakes were pretty hard to cope with, I tried having a bath but had to abandon that plan as I feared I was going to lose pass out. The night was worse with vivid dreams and hallucinations accompanying the physical symptoms, the symptoms got worse and I had what I think was a fit... They rushed me to the Emergency department and gave me a dose of librium. I thought at this stage I was saved but they discharged me with advice to cut down.
I was a wreck by this point, and sold all of my belongings of value to get enough liquor taper off, but being the weak willed alcoholic I am I soon started drinking over the quota and within day drunk it all. That night I tried killing myself in a drunken state because I had reached absolute rock bottom, but I found I couldn't do it. At 10am the next morning the police arrived and took me to the hospital. Apparently I had posted a scuicide note via email. Something which I still don't remember doing.
I spent 1 month inside a secure unit at hospital and completed a 10 day detox, I told myself over and over in hospital despite cravings for alcohol I wouldn't drink again. I left the hospital at start of this month. And it did not take long until the old demons for drink were back, I had a major lapse for 2 days last week and found myself back in the emergency department with a head injury. Now its been 1 week AF and I have been given Campral for the cravings... which fingers crossed seems to be working ok at the moment, although its only 333 i might see if they can up the dose.
Sorry for such a rambling confession, I'm glad I found this forum as I guess the best people to understand are those in similar situations.
Comment