Announcement

**JackieClaire** · January 2, 2012, 04:54 AM

Well, here we go then

:welcome: Stillhere,

Just wanted to say my hellos and welcome you. Not going to overwhelm you with advise just for now.

Masses of ideas to get you started in the tool box just click on the link below.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

Glad that you found us. Keep reading and keep posting and be assured your not alone any more.

Oh and by the way your English is absolutely fine.

J x
:l

**caper564** · January 2, 2012, 06:23 AM

Well, here we go then

Hi,
I also had WLS 5.5 years ago and have been an alcoholic for 4... i too think i substituted AL for food.. But i think if someone had warned me of this i would have said "nope not me" AND i have gained back most of my wieght just by drinking.. so quit now before its too late.. Private message me if you want anytime..

Caper

**ThreeDogNight** · January 2, 2012, 09:14 AM

Well, here we go then

Hi, Sitill.

First of all, your English is flawless!! What is your first language, if you don't mind my asking?
I give you a lot of credit for your complete honesty. It's one of the first things I had to do to get sober. I was so used to lying, and often not even knowing I was doing so. I finally got sober in rehab last month. I had always felt that my drinking was a result of my childhood, my losing a job, etc. One speaker who came in from AA made the point that none of that caused our alcoholism--we have this obsession and what they call a physical "allergy." It made so much sense to me, and realizing thet I do indeed have a disease made it easier for me to get rid of a lot of guilt I had been carrying around. I learned to forgive myself, and also forgive others.
Our stories are not exactly the same, and I was for the most part a closet drinker, and am married. Never hit on anyone--too old for that, LOL--but went to a place I never wanted to go to--driving drunk. I now have legal consequences, but I can face them. I know that I can't do a darn thing about the past, but can do the right thing today and move forward as a sober woman.
I hope you can find your way to sobriety, whatever it takes!
Please keep coming here as often as you can. The support is unbelievable, and nobody judges you!

Happy New Year to you!

TDN

**Stillhere** · January 2, 2012, 10:04 AM

Well, here we go then

Jackie: thanks for the welcome

. And I really like the toolbox, lot of good ideas it looks like.

Caper: yeah, i think probably even if I had known about the risk I would have ignored it ? at the time of my surgery I was still telling myself in spite of the evidence that I didn?t have any kind of drinking problem, so I wouldn?t have thought it would get worse, since in my head it didn?t exist (I think I knew it did, but I?m a good liar)

TDN: Thanks

. I?m Swedish.
Hm, yes I think that thinking of alcoholism as a kind of allergy really does make sense ? would explain why some people can drink ?normally? without ever developing problems, some develop a problem over time, and yet others are like me and have never in their lives really been able to drink ?normally?. Being able to have just one or two has never existed for me.

And here comes another endless outbreak of rambling - I hope not everything I post will end up being this bloody long ? I?m not intending it to be when I start.

I?ve just spent a good few hours browsing around the forum and being continually surprised at how many things in my situation are similar to those of others ? and, yes, also scaring myself with how much worse things could get if I don?t get a grip ? not enjoying that bit at all, but I probably need it.

The other thing that scares me right now is that I?ve just lost my job. I didn?t mention it because I?ve been trying to avoid thinking about it, bizarre as that sounds. Officially, it?s because changes in the organization led to my job being moved to a different department, without me. Sounds a bit weird I suppose, but I don?t know how else to describe it. And since I had a temporary position, the company is free to decide to get rid of me and instead keep the guy they just replaced me with.

I?ve tried to tell myself that I don?t really have a problem since I always dragged myself out of bed and into work on time, and do my drinking well away from anyone who knows me, the Christmas party was out of the usual pattern, that?s probably why it was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Anyway why would a company get rid of the one person who knows the job and does it very well, to replace her with some poor sod who isn?t qualified for it.

Answer:Of course they know. I?ve been trying to tell myself that it really is all just because of changes in the organization, bad luck it happened to be me this time, and so on. Of course that?s total bs. If I?d been properly employed they would in my country have been legally obliged to offer to get me some sort of professional help with my drinking problem, but since I wasn?t a ?real? employee they could get rid of me quietly without having to motivate it very much, provided they don?t mention ?drinking problem? as that would make things legally quite tricky even with the kind of employment I had. As it is, even if I was to bring it up they can deny having had any idea about it, so there is nothing I can do.

Well, I?ve applied for a few other jobs during the last week, and so far 2 different companies have called and been interested, nothing definite yet, but 2 possibles. Which provides me with the moral dilemma of whether or not I should mention this to a prospective employer. Self preservation says no, why would they want to hire a drunk, they don?t need to know as long as I keep off the drink, I?m very good at my job and as long as I?m sober I?m fantastic? and so on? all this is true, but, there is a little part of my mind that adds ?and as long as they don?t know they won?t be watching for it, I can hide it again and start over?. Honestly, with a friend like me I don?t really need enemies ? on the positive side, I do seem to be getting a little better at reading my own mind (sounds weird maybe, but I?ve lost count of how many times I fooled myself into believing some piece of utter nonsense I?ve just come up with to excuse whatever I was doing at the time. I mean I?m starting to get better at seeing through my own lies.)

Right now, the fact that I currently have one less reason to get up in the morning is freaking me out a bit here. Still not drinking today, am off to my mother?s in an hour or so for dinner ? and I?ll see if I can drag her out for a walk.

Btw, I?m not in the same time zone as the forum, it?s currently 4pm where I am.

**ThreeDogNight** · January 2, 2012, 10:38 AM

Well, here we go then

Wow, I am really impressed by your honesty! It is so important.
I understand the job loss thing. I lost a job 2 1/2 years ago, and that is when my drinking went out of control. Even though I knew it had nothing to do with my performance--had just gotten an email about how well I had done--my self esteem was shot. I had nothing to do but stay home and drink, trying to hide it from my husband. I did get unemployment for a while, but thought that was a terrible thing to have to do. Stupid--I'd worked for over fifty years as a teacher and in sales-- but felt bad about getting money when I was not working. Anyway, my drinking got so bad that I decided to try an out patient program--cut back on my drinking, as they could do random urine and blood tests--but never fully stopped. But told everyone I wasn't drinking. That was my first experience with AA, as we were required to attend five meetings a week. I didn't mind going, but "compared" myself to others, and felt that I was not as bad off as they were. Big mistake. Anyway, I became an independent sales rep in the fall of 2009, and made so little money that I was discouraged and kept drinking in my hotel rooms at night. But never during the day! Had decided I was going to stop that job and found one close to home in May. Well, in late May, I was driving to my sister's house two hours away, felt something like a panic attack, started drinking and got my first DUI. I'd never even had a speeding ticket! Talk about humiliation. But had a good attorney and never even realized that I could drive in my state until late in September. Too complicated to explain. Anyway, was so excited to be able to drive, and swore I wouldn't drink and drive. Right. Got the second DUI right on my own road, and breathylyzer had me three times over the legal limit. I wasn't even driving erratically, but had been reported by somebody I unfortunately got into an argument with. Now my legal consequences will be severe. But, as bad as that all was, it got me to a great rehab that worked for me. I hope that you can stop before you get to that point. You have to place your sobriety before everything else. Maybe you can take some time before going to a new job--do you get unemployment in your country? Assume it is Sweden, and do not know the system there.
Anyway, you have taken a big step by coming here!! I get so much support from the people here, even though I have never met any of them!

Stay strong!

TDN

**Stillhere** · January 2, 2012, 02:51 PM

Well, here we go then

ThreeDogNight;1237083 wrote: Wow, I am really impressed by your honesty! It is so important.
I understand the job loss thing. I lost a job 2 1/2 years ago, and that is when my drinking went out of control. Even though I knew it had nothing to do with my performance--had just gotten an email about how well I had done--my self esteem was shot. I had nothing to do but stay home and drink, trying to hide it from my husband. I did get unemployment for a while, but thought that was a terrible thing to have to do. Stupid--I'd worked for over fifty years as a teacher and in sales-- but felt bad about getting money when I was not working. Anyway, my drinking got so bad that I decided to try an out patient program--cut back on my drinking, as they could do random urine and blood tests--but never fully stopped. But told everyone I wasn't drinking. That was my first experience with AA, as we were required to attend five meetings a week. I didn't mind going, but "compared" myself to others, and felt that I was not as bad off as they were. Big mistake. Anyway, I became an independent sales rep in the fall of 2009, and made so little money that I was discouraged and kept drinking in my hotel rooms at night. But never during the day! Had decided I was going to stop that job and found one close to home in May. Well, in late May, I was driving to my sister's house two hours away, felt something like a panic attack, started drinking and got my first DUI. I'd never even had a speeding ticket! Talk about humiliation. But had a good attorney and never even realized that I could drive in my state until late in September. Too complicated to explain. Anyway, was so excited to be able to drive, and swore I wouldn't drink and drive. Right. Got the second DUI right on my own road, and breathylyzer had me three times over the legal limit. I wasn't even driving erratically, but had been reported by somebody I unfortunately got into an argument with. Now my legal consequences will be severe. But, as bad as that all was, it got me to a great rehab that worked for me. I hope that you can stop before you get to that point. You have to place your sobriety before everything else. Maybe you can take some time before going to a new job--do you get unemployment in your country? Assume it is Sweden, and do not know the system there.
Anyway, you have taken a big step by coming here!! I get so much support from the people here, even though I have never met any of them!

Stay strong!

TDN

well, I suppose I can?t know for an absolute certainty that my ex employer really do know about the drinking, but I strongly suspect they do and that?s why I was let go ? since I can?t think of any other sensible reason for that weird little juggling trick they did, moving the job from one department to another for no apparent good reason and then saying that unfortunately that means they ended up with one person too many in my department and since I was the one with the temporary job, that naturally meant my job went.

Weirdly enough, they have called me quite a few times today ? mainly the guy who replaced me is calling and asking all sorts of inane questions about how to do things. On the one hand, I would like to tell him to sod off, since technically he?s been given ?my? job, and if he can?t handle it that shouldn?t be my problem. I?m tempted to just let him make a mess of it. On the other hand, I feel sorry for the kid - he really isn?t qualified and we really didn?t get enough time for me to teach him. So for them to replace me with this guy is well weird unless they have another reason for it, like the suspicion of me having a drinking problem.

Also I?m feeling a bit indignant about the rumors about me and my colleague ? not for my sake, I deserve it since I really was hitting on him. I?m just annoyed on his behalf since he really hasn?t done anything wrong ? all he did was make sure I got home . And of course, I feel extra bad about the whole thing since the fact that nothing happened was absolutely no thanks to me.

We do get unemployment yeah, provided we?ve had a steady job for long enough, which I have. But I don?t like the idea of being on unemployment pay either - on principle, I?d much rather work ? and yeah, the idea of having ?nothing? to do but stay home and drink is pretty scary right now. I always found I drink more on holidays when I don?t have to get up in the morning, because it somehow seemed more ok. As it is, I?m keeping my alarm clock on 6 every morning just to try to keep myself from sleeping in and getting to bed later every night. Which typically happens every day I have just a few days off. I?m not a morning person even at the best of times, so I?m trying to keep a routine as when I?m working. I get up, shower, make breakfast, get dressed, even do my hair and makeup as if I was going to work. I know if I didn?t, it?d probably only be a matter of time before I was getting up around noon and then spending all day in my bathrobe, probably playing videogames, even though I feel like I should have outgrown that habit since I passed 30.

The thought of getting a DUI is one of the things that really scare me since I recently started driving again - and the Swedish legal limit is so low (0,02)that I?m afraid that some mornings there might technically have been enough alcohol left in my body that it would be over the legal limit here.

Today was a good day though - no alcohol, I?m safe for the evening now, it?s 8:45pm here and the shop is closed, so i couldn?t get any now even if i wanted to. Right now i don?t. a proper dinner (courtesy of my mother and not me, but still counts i think. The point is i should eat proper meals instead of grabbing something once in a while when i remember to) and a long walk.

wishing you a great rest of the day as well - i think it?s a bit earlier where you are

**Stillhere** · January 3, 2012, 01:56 AM

Well, here we go then

8am in my corner of Sweden and still dark outside. We haven?t had any snow this year so far, which is unusual - last 2 years we had rediculous amounts, so I suppose we?re making up for it . This winter it?s just dark, damp, a bit frosty and generally miserable. The weather that is, not me.

I can feel this turning into a sort of personal diary. Not sure if that’s really the point of this forum, but why not really – might be helpful I suppose.

I had the alarm clock set today like I promise myself to. Had breakfast. Scrubbed my entire bathroom (It`s all tiles) and finally unclogged the damn sink that’s been annoying me for weeks. Not quite the herculean effort I try to make it sound like, I live in an apartment with a tiny bathroom – but just the fact that I?ve willingly done any kind of housework at all, let alone at 7am, would be a bit of a shock to anyone who knows me.

Just one of the embarrassing little side effects of my lifestyle of the last couple of years: my home looks like it?s been hit by an explosion.

Don’t really have any excuses for that. Other than the facts I worked full time up until last week, so I only have the evenings and weekends to get anything done, and live alone, and never invite anyone over anymore anyway, so nobody ever sees this mess. Of course, one of the reasons I wouldn’t invite anyone over at the moment is that my apartment is in an embarrassing state. And of course I?ve been spending all weekends and more and more evenings either drunk, hung over or trying to distract myself from drinking by doing something else like going for a walk or playing computer games mostly – though quite why I never choose to distract myself by cleaning I don’t know. It?s not a bad distraction really.

Actually, I think I?ll set that as a small goal: that’s what I?ll do when I get restless in the next days at least, clean some part of my apartment. I?m already feeling unusually virtuous because I?ve done my bathroom

. And it?s just not a good thing for me to sit at the computer all day, eventually I get bored, which really does not help me. Got to do the kitchen next since a goal is to get to cooking proper meals again - I haven`t been cooking in there for a long time, just been buying takeouts and frozen dinners - that way you only need to keep the microwave and a few dishes clean.

I?m not going to drink today either - next time I start getting restless I?ll go clean the oven or something

**ThreeDogNight** · January 3, 2012, 08:25 AM

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.

I love reading your "diary!" And I am sure that others can gain a lot from your posts.

Wow, I sure understand about the cleaning! I had good intentions of cleaning out drawers, cabinets, etc. while I was drinking, and never got it done. Luckily, my husband is retired and obsessive compulsive (in my opinion) about keeping our house neat and clean. But when I got home from rehab two weeks ago, I was finally able to tackle some projects I had neglected for a long time. (File cabinets with papers from a job I haven't had in almost three years, for one.) I feel good just doing those little things. And having a routine is important. I get up at 6:00 or 6:30--no choice in that, really, as the dogs make sure it happens, LOL! I haven't hit the shower yet, only because I make my coffee and do my readings and hop on my laptop. And I don't go to AA until noon. But when I was drinking, unless I had to work, I could stay in my pajamas all day, even stay in bed half the day. I don't even want to do that now. I hope to find a job close to home, nothing big, and may volunteer if that doesn't happen.

I enjoy cooking, too, and have a lot of slow cooker recipes to try. Made a beef stew on Saturday--Emeril Lagasse recipe that cooked for eight hours--and it was excellent. Need to find something for my husband's birthday tomorrow.

Cold here today, but sunny. We have not had any real snow either--except for a freak storm at Halloween--and that is so unlike the usual winter here. Parts of the midwest and New York State got a couple of feet yesterday form what I understand. I am no fan of the cold!

Keep posting and keep up the good work!

TDN

**Tipplerette** · January 3, 2012, 01:06 PM

Well, here we go then

Disappointed to get to the end of this thread. Both of you keep chatting so I can eavesdrop and enjoy your journey. You both sound like you have a lot in common; not everything but a lot. Really, we all do here on MWO. We are all minimally contemplating slowing down or quitting alcohol consumption. I am inching towards really accepting that moderation is too much work and has too many variables and I am sick of concentrating on it. A/F just might be the answer.

Still here, your English is impeccable. I'm from Quebec, Canada and we have enough snow to share some with the midwest USA and Sweden. It's minus 20 celcius and we have ooooodles of the white stuff.. which, thankfully, I love. We snowshoe, toboggan (I'm 55 and still doing that...) and often have a fire pit going on outside..

Take care and keep posting.

**Stillhere** · January 3, 2012, 03:47 PM

Well, here we go then

Tipplerette: Thanks

I don?t think moderation would work for me ?I?ve been trying for years. Because I want(ed?) to be ablt to have just one or two glasses with dinner, or as a social thing, like ?normal? people as I keep catching myself thinking. ?Why shouldn?t I be able to do that, ?everyone? else can, so why not me.. ? The thought is very seductive. That?s exactly what makes me think it?s not a good idea, for me. Also the fact that I?m well aware that definitely not everyone else can do that, when start thinking that I?m just trying to talk myself into believing I can do it this time, because I want a drink.

It might (probably is) different for some people, but that?s how my mind works.

Right now, I feel exactly like I did on every diet I?ve ever been on, but on a bigger scale.
But I mean my brain was doing exactly the same things then: I can have just a little bit of this, and I?ll skip that instead (like hell I did). Oh, and coming up with all sorts of reasons why I could have just a little of whatever it was I wanted..
Actually, come to think of it, I think a better description is that this feels like a combination of diets and when I quit smoking ? the physical sensation of I really want a cigarette (drink), which became ?sod it, I?ll quit tomorrow? quite a few times before I actually did quit. Combined with the diet?s ?just one won?t hurt?, which I didn?t do with cigarettes since that was a case of smoker or not and as soon as I had one I was back to being a smoker.

I got restless and cleaned the oven, and then the rest of the kitchen. You know, I didn?t actually think I would experience any physical effects from this? I thought that, since I don?t drink every day anyway, I ?only? have the problem that when I drink, I always end up drinking a bit more than planned. Surely that?s not nearly as bad?
But in fact, even though I don?t drink every day, I?ve realized that it has become more and more common for me to actively decide in the morning that since I drank the day before (or similar) I should wait a day or so to make sure it dosen?t get too often. And then changing my mind on the way home from work and deciding that I?ll swing by the shop and pick up a bottle and have just one glass, and then finishing the whole bottle ? sure, I don?t drink every day, but the fact is that I keep deciding not to drink this or that day and then changing my mind during the day.

Beef stew sounds nice

Speaking of slow cooking, there is a Swedish recipe for roast (usually moose )where the meat is actually supposed to be frozen when its put in the oven, and cooked at a really low temperature for about 9-12hours or so, depends how big it is of course. Then you?re supposed to marinade it for another 5 hours, then slice it and serve it cold. For a buffet or something like that I suppose.
I?ve done a version of that where I put the meat in a pot in the oven (cast iron pot in my case) with some onion, garlic and do is put a thermometer in it once the meat is cooked enough, then just wait for it to get to a temperature that?s a bit lower than I want it cooked, slice it up and marinate it in slices instead of whole, make sauce off the stuff from the pot with a bit of the marinade, mushrooms, cream and so on...and heat the meat again in the oven before eating, that?s why I leave it not quite done the first time of course, so it dosen?t get dry.

Also something else Ive been thinking about is the fact that combination of alcohol, a credit card, and webshops is very bad for my economy. I mean I wouldn?t go out shopping anywhere drunk, and if I?m online looking at stuff when sober I think a little before I actually order anything. You know, about little details like ?can I actually afford that this month??. So for me, buying some cheap wine and drinking at home usually ends up costing me more than going out, because I always end up browsing webshops and buying something, usually something completely unnecessary that I can?t really afford.
Not to mention how much money I usually spend on the alcohol itself, even if I drink at home ? of course, if I go out I spend even more on that.

Right, going off to bed - well, it?s only 9:45pm here but I?m pretty tired

**ThreeDogNight** · January 3, 2012, 05:49 PM

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still and Tiplerette!

Great to hear from you, Tiplerette, and hope you stay with us here! It is so good for me to hear what others have done/are doing. I love the people on this forum.
Glad we don't have the snow you have! It is so cold, though, but nothing as bad as you have there. Haven't been to Quebec for a number of years--used to take students there when I taught French. Such a beautiful place, but I've never visited in winter!
Still, I understand about the shopping on line while drinking! I have something like 450 positive feedbacks on ebay--but that is over about ten years, I guess. But I have bought so many things I didn't need. And when I was traveling, I always found time for shopping!! I can't do that now, as my husband is watching my finances. He saw all my credit card bills while I was in rehab and was not too happy! We have separate checking accounts, so when I was working and had money, he never saw my bills. Well, I certainly don't need to buy anything anyway!
Well, will check in with both of you tomorrow. Still is in bed by now, and we'll probably be in bed when she posts next!

TDN

**DoDoHead** · January 3, 2012, 05:53 PM

Well, here we go then

thank you for your honesty

Still here, I'm still here too. I have not been consistent in being here, but maybe I can try again. I find the support is so soothing when I do come back, and I just feel that AA is not an option for me in my small town. I'm starting to have more insight into my triggers, so maybe I can join all of you again. A/F is my goal, all sugars including AL need to be eliminated for me to get well again. My story is I'm genetically doomed with the AL gene, would binge, do things I would never do sober, then regret (sound familiar?)
Finally limited myself to 2 drinks on weekends. But that was when I was an athlete and my body still worked for me.:H
Then I married what turned out to be a very controlling emotionally abusive man. Stayed there a little too long but was able to recognize the cycle of abuse before the threats became physical and got out. By then I drank daily to self-medicate & it's been a struggle ever since.
What's amazing is going back to AL even when it does nothing for me
!!! SO myo folk, thank you for being my voice of hope, even if I haven't yet succeeded.

**Stillhere** · January 4, 2012, 07:10 AM

Well, here we go then

DoDo: Sounds very familiar yeah, all of it including the abusive relationship. Well done for leaving, I know it?s not easy.
The AA worries me - I?m extremely un-religious, and well, I know they say you don?t have to be a believer. But reading their website, the whole tone of it just feels like it?s not the right choice for me personally. I?m looking at other local options where I live.

TND: sounds familiar - Last time I was in a relationship I hid my bills, and my paychecks. We had separate accounts, so I could pretend I was just making enough to cover my share of the expenses ? and not at all wasting the money on all sorts of unnecessary stuff.

On a rant again ? they just keep getting longer don?t they:

The fact that I live alone is a bit unnerving ? I think about the fact that if I was to fall through like I did so many times with the smoking and decide ?sod it I?ll quit tomorrow?, I don?t have anyone to stop me. Then I think, actually yes I do: me. And that?s probably important, I think if I can?t stop myself, nobody else will ever be able to either- short of actually locking me up somewhere. Even if I had someone living with me I?m sure I could still find a way to sneak a drink behind their back. That?s not to say having support isn?t good, I think it?s probably vital to have support from others ? I just don?t think I should underestimate my own support either.

I don?t have a history of doing anything in moderation ? when I smoked it was 2 packs/day, when I tried to diet I would come up with extreme regimes which I?d adhere to for a week or two before cracking and eating everything in sight for a few days, with the excuse that I hadn?t gotten exactly to the gram the result I had set as my goal (see, I built in a trap for myself right from the start by always setting a goal that wasn?t realistic, so I would have a reason to quit). When I got into a training routine I ended up training 4 hours/day every day, and when I was forced to give it a rest after giving myself an injury I quit completely and didn?t do any kind of exercise for years.

What I?m feeling right at the moment is like a cross between nicotine craving - antsy, restless, can?t sit still, heartbeat feels a bit too fast, generally feeling like I?ve had way too much coffee (haven?t had any so far today), Combined with a really bad chocolate craving ? ?I can already feel the taste in my mind, it?d be so good to just have one, and I could stop at one?. No, I couldn?t, and even if I could it?d still put me back at day 0 instead of 3. I don?t want that.

I learned a lot about myself when I was first trying to get to grips with an eating disorder a few years ago, especially the part about not believing everything I try to tell myself, because the excuses I could come up with were endless. At the time, I dug into the concept of intuitive eating. There?s loads about that on the net for anyone who?s interested. While I don?t agree an entire 100% with everything they say, I do think the concept as a whole makes a lot of sense, and I?ve sort of picked the bits that resonated for me. Especially the part about giving yourself permission to eat whatever you want(As it applies to food, not alcohol. Getting to that), on the basis that banning a particular food can lead to feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, then when you ?give-in? to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it results in overeating, and then guilt- which makes me feel bad, which in turn sets me off again.

Instead I should try to find ways to resolve my issues without using food. Over eating won't fix any of it for me ? neither will alcohol. Both ?surplus? food and alcohol can be a comfort and distraction for the moment, but it won't solve any problems, it will only make me feel worse in the long run. What I still need to do is deal with the source of the emotions, which is something I?m still working on. For me, getting food cravings when I?m not hungry almost always means there?s something else going on in the back of my mind that I don?t want to think about. Translating any thought or feeling even remotely unpleasant or painful into food cravings is such an ingrained habit for me that I do it on auto pilot even for the smallest problems. Even little things like ?I?ve had a crap day and I feel a bit lonely right now? got translated to ?I want chocolate? (nowadays its almost always wine instead of chocolate. But thus far it?s exactly the same phenomenon). It?s an old defensive mechanism to stop me poking around in all the stuff in my mind I don?t want to think about, to avoid having to deal with the nastier bits ? and by extension it takes care of the little things as well. I started over eating when I was a kid, after something pretty bad had happened - I learned that it ?worked? - and I?ve been doing it ever since.

I realize it might seem weird to do all this introspection and work on my eating problems, come to understand my own motivations quite well and actually learn to change my behaviors, making pretty good headway - and then turn around and have a gastric bypass surgery. . I knew it might be a bit risky to actually surgically remove my very old coping mechanism. I thought I?d come far enough that I could handle it. Not quite as brave as I thought Ive discovered. What the surgery did was basically provide me with a kind of shortcut by creating a physical barrier instead of a mental one. I am now unable to eat more than a small amount of chocolate at a time (one or two pieces is fine, but any more than that makes me feel sick). I can?t eat much of anything at a time, I?m lucky enough that I can still eat most normal foods, there are only some things I need to avoid completely. I tried to cheat, basically, and it didn?t solve the real problem. Of course.

With the food I had learned to reason with myself when I got some craving. Just asking myself ok, why? You?re not hungry, so why do you want chocolate? Of course you can have it if you want, I just want you to think about why. (yep, I have conversations with myself).This approach has worked very well with my eating habits, but it didn?t work at all with alcohol. I tried it - The main problem with the idea was probably the fact that you can?t reason with a drunk person, There is this image of the philosophical drunks arguing about things and solving problems, when in fact, most of us couldn?t argue our way out of a wet paper bag after a few drinks ? I know I can?t. The theories you come up with may sound good at the time, and to other people in the same state, but the next morning you realize you spent the evening talking utter bs.

Combine this with the fact of alcohol being physically addictive - I know many people say the same about food addiction, especially sugar, but I?m not convinced of that. I?m only basing that on my own experiences: my chocolate cravings don?t feel the same as my nicotine ones, but the craving for a drink does. The chocolate one is emotional, the other two are emotional and physical. Still, that?s not to suggest the emotional one is somehow less important ? just because it?s all in your head doesn?t mean it?s not real.

Also, even though I had the surgery to lose weight, the idea of losing weight scares me ? bizarre as that might sound. But, for one thing, it means my ?armor? will be gone so to speak. Being obese is, apart from being a ?safe? visible problem to focus your (and other peoples) attention on, I?ve found it?s also a very useful excuse for practically anything. "of course I can?t run a mile, just look at me - I?ll take up running when I?ve lost weight." No I won?t, I don?t like running. ?Of course that guy wasn?t interested in me, just look at me ? turns any rejection in my mind into something I can do something about if I choose - that way I don?t have to consider that there might be something else people don?t like about me. (like the endless amateur psychology and soapboxing)

And I think, with the way society portrays diets and weight loss, it really doesn?t help to think that you?re expected to feel so much better about yourself, be confident and happy, and so on. Now, I don?t literally believe ?everything? will suddenly change if I lose weight, but I think I, like most peple, have built up some sort of expectation that things will be generally ?better?, whatever that?s supposed to mean. And, I think it?d be a bit of an anticlimax to lose the weight and discover that, nope, apart from being thinner, nothing else has changed. Confidence, you know, I really believe confidence is very little to do with actual appearance. Losing weight isn?t going to make me feel more confident, the problem is in my head, not my body.

Oh, and then there the whole ?you?ll get more attention from the opposite sex?. Yeah, that probably is true, but given my track record with the opposite sex I?m not sure I?d want that either. At least not the same kind of representatives of the opposite sex I usually run into. I could go into a whole new quasi-philosophical amateur psychology rant about that as well, but I?ll give it a rest for now. Time for lunch.

Gah?See, it?s no wonder being drunk seems easier - this is what happens when I?m sober and have time on my hands, I give myself a headache discussing with myself.

I will not drink today, I?m off for a walk a bit later, and if I get restless I still have half an apartment that needs cleaning.

**ThreeDogNight** · January 4, 2012, 10:40 AM

Well, here we go then

Hi, ladies.

Have to run out to do errands with my husband--he is the driver and in control--and then AA meeting. Will hop back on when I get back.

Still, I find your posts and your story fascinating! Great that you are on day 3 AF!!!!

TDN

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