Well, here we go then

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

TND: Thanks . Hope your meeting and errands went well today - take care


And since it?s 9:45, that means I?m through my 3rd day. One of the things I?m a little grateful of is living in a country that only sells alcohol in designated shops. My local one closes at 7pm, so once I get past that I feel fairly safe. There is still a pub nearby yes, but I find it easier to avoid going there than to avoid going down to the shop.

Not been a bad day here. Had proper meals, been for a walk, had a hot bath. Seem to be developing a cold though, but that’s not much of a problem really, just requires more tea

I think.. The whole old eating disorder habit is maybe a part of the reason why I?m a bit careful about making commitments to stay off the drink for longer periods of time. As soon as I start thinking about setting long time goals, like a year, or a month - I start panicking and getting that same feeling that I?m depriving myself of something. And making it, in my head, into something more desirable just because I tell myself I can?t have it. I?m working on that, and trying to get this part of me to accept that - unlike chocolate, this is something I have a very good health reason to ban - and also, unlike food, alcohol is not something I need any more than I needed to smoke.

Not quite there yet, so, at the moment I?m sticking with “today”, like I did yesterday and the day before – and, I hope, will do tomorrow. I?m edging my way carefully towards “week”.

[Tipplerette]

Well, here we go then

Hi Guys, still enjoying this thread tremendously and something Still Here said has really rung true with me. I have always wondered why I drank so much as I am a well balanced, happy, lucky woman. I have always denied that I drank for emotional reasons... You all did ... not me.

Anyways, as I was reading SH's meanderings (where did you learn your English; you write brilliantly) it occurred to me that my past dealings with my kids when I divorced my husband seems to have caused them a lot of pain. I didn't do anything horrible and none of my actions were drink related but I was in self-preservation mode and made some selfish decisions. The guilt I feel rears it's head occasionally and I always try to push it down. When one of the kids is in turmoil; they are 31, 29 and 23, I always blame myself for not loving them the way I should have, etc. Maybe acknowledging and dealing with that is the key to my sobriety. I cannot change the past.

Sugar and alcohol is an interesting subject. A few hours ago, I felt a small urge for a glass of wine and ate a ginger cookie. It did the trick. I am not sure if, for me, eliminating the carbs would do me any good. I think, at this time, it helps.

I am done with day two's urges. So I have two A/F days. I am going to stick around this thread as I find I have found a talkative, fun, open group that I want to get to know.

Keep posting.

[DoDoHead]

Well, here we go then

DAY 2 for me.

Embarrassing as I went through my day thinking, "this is what it's like to have a clear head?" Really felt good. Looked at what little Al remains on my fridge and thought "yuk." I hope that feeling stays. My father went cold turkey in my 30s and managed to stay away. Let's see, how many times have I tried to stop before MWO? I will not give up. I've been able to go 3 days in the past and then I slip. Then I stray away from you fine folk and I'm in the hamster wheel again. The big challenge will be when I have a really bad day at work this time around, as that's where the weird draw to Al comes in.
Thanks for the 2nd, 3rd, 7th, and 100th chance to try again!

[JackieClaire]

Well, here we go then

Stillhere~

Just wanted to say it's lovely to see you checking in daily and posting. Honestly it worked for me even if there were some days I just popped my head in to say hello.

Dodohead~ don't think we've 'met' so wanted to say hello.

I used to do the 3 day cycle thing.
Day 1: I used to swear blind I'd never drink again as I was so hungover

Day 2: Felt a little better so I thought I'd get through the day

Day 3: Felt sooooooooooo much better I thought I could handle just the one which of course quickly became quite a few more

And repeat, over and over again.

The only advise I can give is to plan ahead for all possibilities. It may not be a horrible day as even the best day at work can bring on our reward system.

The first week is horrible but do anything even if it means having an early night with a trashy novel and a bar of chocolate hiding under the duvet and believe me once you get through that first week or two you'll feel fantastic. Nothing beats waking up on a Monday morning ready for work without a hangover.

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

Tipplerette : I just to do quasi-philosophical ramblings based on what I think. . And trying to apply the food craving principle on alcohol is very experimental, I just had the idea to try it.

But, personally I think it helps me when I catch myself getting cravings to stop and think about it a bit, and ask myself if there?s something else that’s bothering me. Usually there is. Then I just try to question myself a bit - Not chase the thought down and strangle it, isn’t meant to be a 3rd degree, I just go: Yes, but now that you know what?s bothering you, you know a drink isn’t what you need, it won?t help. Is there anything else that will help, what do you need?.

I?ve found the answers can be anything: A simple distraction for a little while, a good listener, or a punching bag – depending on mood. And as a bonus, I?ll usually have found out what?s really bothering me so I can try to work on that too.

DoDo:A clear head does feel good dosen?t it. The 3 day cycle is familiar to me too – and so is the work thing – of course, what I really wanted to do at those times at work was strangle a customer, or at the very least bite one. But since we weren?t allowed to do that I ended up drinking instead. Am between jobs now, but when I get a new one I think I?ll buy a punching bag. Only half joking there, people can be annoying.

Jackie: I feel like my brain has just started working again after years of dormancy. And at the moment it?s doing some generally weird things - Funny, I feel like I have been half asleep and thinking about nothing for years, and now suddenly I?m being bombarded with impressions – hence all the endless quasi-philosophical rants, I think it?s pretty good therapy for me.


For once, I?m not going to rant - got a cold today, and feel a bit bleh. I?ve been up to have breakfast anyway, and tea - I think i?ll get back to bed and read (or sleep). Not going to drink today either. Dont even want to, I feel sick enough as it is.

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi Still, Tiplerette, DooDoo, DoDo and Jackie Claire!

Oh, was reading through all the posts and saw that I said I'd worked over fifty years! Since I am fifty-eight that would be hard, LOL! I worked for over thirty-five years. Need to re-read everything I guess!
Still, sorry you have a cold, but it's great taht you are doing so well with not drinking. I do remember reading that many people who have had WLS started substituting drinking for eating, and ended up alcoholic. Makes sense to me. One addiction replaces another. I know that in rehab I ate more sweets than I ever had--although not as many as most others there. I watched so many--especially the younger people--eat almost nothing other than sweets, including sweet cereals all day as a "snack." Also drank tons of coffeee and smoked probably two or more packs of cigarettes a day. I don't smoke--quit ten years ago and was never a heavy smoker--and can't drink coffee other than in the morning--but I did crave sweets. (Maybe because there was always a plate of cookies or brownies in the afternoon!) When I got home, there were sweets here of all kinds, many dropped off by neighbors for Chrsitmas, and I ate cookies, chocolate, fudge etc. Now trying to cut out sugar, but it's in so many things. I don't have a weight problem, but did gain about five lbs., which is a lot on somebody who is five feet tall! And when I was drinking, I often ate very little so never gained weight. But I know what it was doing to my health, so never want to go back there.
Had I not gone to rehab, I wouldn't have gotten three days sober. Just could not do it on my own. I have never been religious, but had no problem accepting a Higher Power. What I was doing was not working obviously, so there had to be something that could help me. I used to sit outside in a quiet spot, with the sun shining and the blue sky and green grass feeling so good. One day as I was just sitting still, a bird--they told me that it was a turkey vulture--left the others he was flying with and flew toward me and I felt that my HP was there. Then a little salamander would dart out from the shrubs and he also became to me a representation of my HP. Sounds crazy, I know, but worked for me. Now I can picture that place in my mind so clearly, and it brings me peace. I look forward to my AA meetings. Of course,there are some people everywhere we just don't like, and they are in AA too, but the majority of AA's I have met are supportive and kind. The Florida group welcomed me and I felt perfectly comfortable with them. A year ago, I'd have laughed at all of this. But I was drunk then, and sober now, so I don't question it. I also go to church, and it is a Christian church that has a pastor we like a lot. Started going last spring, but had to stop as I was working on Sundays during the summer. Last Sunday, the sermon seemed meant for me--even my husband agreed.
Well, going to see a therapist I started seeing a month or so before rehab. I actually knew her, but not in that role. She is great! Not a drug/alcohol counselor specifically, but has a number of addicted clients. She will be so happy with the change in me. The have AA meeting at noon, so that will be my day!
I enjoy reading all of your posts, so keep them coming!

TDN

[DoDoHead]

Well, here we go then

Thanks, JackieClaire

Today is day 3 and a work day. I can't even remember the last time I was completely AL free after 3 days. Thank god I was able to stop completely during my pregnancies, so I know its possible. The abusive marriage that almost killed my spirit was long ago, so self-medicating is completely unnecessary. Off I go......

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

just a short post today:

I?ve spent most of yesterday and today in bed, reading a bit and sleeping quite a lot. Feel a lot better now, still bit of a cold but the worst is over, now I?m back to being restless. No wonder I suppose since I?ve been sleeping for 2 days, but I think that if possible, it?s good to get a lot of sleep when you?re sick. Now though, I?m feeling enough better that I have to go and do something.

Not drinking today- right now I don?t even want to, still got a cold. And today, even if I did want to, the shop?s been closed all day since it?s a holiday. I used to think it was quite stupid to have alcohol only in separate shops - but I?ve changed my mind about that and started thinking it?s really a good thing to not have alcohol in the same shops as the food, since this way people can?t just grab a bottle of wine on impulse to go with their dinner ? they have to make the decision to go into the separate shop for it.

Of course, it?s still readily available, but at least there is a bit of separation from the normal everyday products we buy. I think in the same way we have to go to a pharmacy for most kinds of medicine (we only have the most obvious things like painkillers, vitamins, cough drops and stuff like that in the regular shops and supermarkets.) It?s just not treated like something quite as normal and ordinary as food. Which I think is good really.

Now that I?m not drinking I seem to eat more, probably not surprising since I don?t fill up on alcohol. I do drink a lot of water though, but that?s fine.
Also, I?m getting more food cravings again suddenly, they had almost entirely been replaced by wine lately ? well, since there is now a definite physical limit to how much I can eat at any time I?m not likely to put on weight, but I probably need to find some other way of dealing with that than trying to eat things I haven?t got room for at the moment or that don?t agree with me anymore.
Not that strange that i get restless really - in between being out of a job since monday, and not spendning my spare time drunk anymore, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands, that I havent yet quite figured out what to do with. Right now though, i?m off for a walk before it gets too late for today

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.

Haven't seen anything from you in a couple of days. How are you doing? Please let us know.
Not much new here. Going to church, then shopping. Will check back in later.

:lTDN

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

hey

Is really nice to see someone ask actually

Im ok – have managed to avoid any alcohol, for the 7th day in a row now. Has been quite strange to be stone cold sober a whole weekend to be honest, I really don’t know how long since that last happened.

Oh, by the way - I think I?ve figured out why I have a bit of a problem with the whole idea of a higher power. It?s not just because I?m extremely unreligious - I am, but there?s more to my aversion than that.
I know that for a lot of people the idea of a higher power lending a hand and supporting them is very comforting, and that’s really great - from what you said TND, it seems to be really helpful for you - but for me it?s not the right approach. I think I just need to feel that it?s me who?s doing this, if that makes any sense.

It harks back to what I said before about how I sometimes catch myself freaking out a bit at the thought that since I live alone, there isn’t anyone around to “stop” me – and then I remember that actually, there is someone: me.

This goes back to past experiences again I?m afraid, I?m not used to relying on myself:
First there?s my very well-meaning, loving, but very overbearing parents - who?d proabably still like to make my decisions for me if I let them, just to make sure I don?t get things wrong. Like I said, well-meaning, and I know it?s all out of love and a desire to help, the downside is that it?s also given me the message throughout most of my life that I can?t be trusted to be able to manage anything on my own.
That isn’t the impression they?re trying to convey at all of course, they really do just want to help, unfortunately I?m the sort of person who, when someone is overly helpful in my opinion, thinks: “they must think I?m a complete moron… am I?”

Then add relationships with guys who were (except one) equally overbearing, sometimes controlling and always frustratingly overprotective. Sometimes with good intentions, but that doesn’t alter the fact that they were in the habit of trying to make my decisions for me “for my own good”(that expression pisses me off to no end I might add). I?ve been quite used to having other people step in and take control of situations for me (unasked), “help” me in any number of situations where I didn’t need it (equally unasked) and so on.

Now that I?ve been single a couple years, and (almost) gotten my parents to accept the fact that I?m over 30 and therefore not really in need of having all my decisions approved(not to say they can?t have opinions, but maybe not out loud about exactly everything) I?ve discovered that 1. I?m not nearly as stupid as I thought, and 2. I?m not particularly helpless either. I was a bit surprised to discover that, actually, I?m fairly capable of taking care of myself – and this is sort of a continuation of that.

I think it?s very good for me personally to feel that I am doing this myself, on my own strength, that I?m being my own higher power so to speak. And that I can trust myself to take care of myself, better than anyone else can since I actually know what I want and need.

And yes, It?s very tempting to blame my failed relationships on the other person. But to be uncomfortably honest, it wouldn’t be entirely truthful. Yes, I seem to attract guys who are not good for me (or just not good in general) On the other hand, I have had a long-ish history of making choices that I know are the wrong ones. It hasn’t been a case of me stumbling blindly into the wrong people by accident. I mean, considering that the overbearing, controlling and overprotective type annoys me to the point of wanting to strangle them, you?d think I?d go for a different type wouldn’t you.

Also, I?m not easy to live with. At least I haven’t been in the past, although I am changing I think. Sneaking about trying to disguise how much I drank, and hiding credit card bills, both because I didn?t want arguments for example. Oh, and occasionally saying some spectacularly stupid and hurtful things while drunk, because my inner censor stopped working after a few drinks.
Of course, a very big part of the problem there is the fact that I?ve never been any good at saying “no”(Though lately am getting better at it), and so I let people step in and mind my business for me and, even though I really don’t like when people do that, I still try to “be nice” - right up until the point where I?ve accumulated so much annoyance over time that some final little detail just makes me snap, and of course completely overreact to whatever the current detail was. Am trying to learn to just, calmly and as nicely as possible, tell people when they?re doing something to me that I don?t like, before I get to that point of wanting to smack them.

The one time I did have a relationship with a genuinely nice guy (the last relationship I was in), it ended after one and a half years because I drove him crazy with my collection of assorted issues. Looking back, that really wasn’t a good time for me to get in a relationship, I was just in the process of starting to sort out the whole eating disorder thing, and had a lot of other stuff going on at the same time, so it wasn’t good timing.

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.

Great post! I can understand your point of view, and think it's good that you truly feel in control of things. Seven days without alcohol is great. I don't feel that I have control--would not have gotten into the messes I did if I'd been able to control myself. It wasn't always like that, which proves to me that alcoholism is indeed progressive. The last six months were the worst. I got the police report from the November DUI today, and I felt sick about it, then told myself that it is over and one of those things I cannot change. But I can choose to live the rest of my life sober with help from God. It is working for me, so I don't question it.
You sound like a people pleaser, and that is what I have always been. When I did my fourth and fifth Step in rehab, that came out loud and clear. I try to work on that, but it's not so easy to change certain things that have been with you for so long. And I am a lot older than you, so maybe that is why I accept God more in my life now, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, I hope that you will soon find a job--one that you really want. That is important. I am glad that I had a couple of careers before alcohol became the overwhelming factor in my life. I just want a little job close to home--which is next to impossible where I live. But I know something will come about and I am not worrying about it.
Keep posting here. I enjoy reading what you write.
Hope the other ladies will join in, too!
TDN

[available]

Well, here we go then

Hi Still and TDN where are your posts gone, loved reading them but now they have stopped.
TDN you have changed your life around which is just wonderful after such a traumatic time. you go girl.
Still keep the posts up, u seem very positive and i can feel where u r coming from also.

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

Am back Been busy days, otherwise fine.

I?ve just decided to do something: I?ve actually got a treadmill, unused for a long time but still. And, I?m feeling pretty good generally (on day 10 w/o AL) but I?m still feeling really restless all the time. So, to use up some of this energy on something useful:
Have decided I?m going to run a race – it?s not until September 1st, luckily, since the shape I?m in is depressingly awful. But that’s plenty of time, and gives me a clear goal. Is 10kilometers, and, I have actually run this race before years ago when my shape was much less grim, and I?m going to see if I can beat my time from then.

So, I decided to start out by just testing myself on how far I can run at the speed that I would have to be to finish under 49 minutes…erm.. .only slightly over one measly kilometer. Worse than I epected to be honest. Well - I?ve got almost 8 months to train, and I know how to do this.

And been at the gym – not to train, weird as that sounds, but its mid-January and the place is packed with people(happens every January, bloody new years-resolutions). Too crowded for me, I?ll stay away from there until february when most people are gone again. No, reason I was there was I?ve discovered they have a sauna. A good one. And a cold pool (small pool, but still fine).

Very simple: Heat sauna to about 110c (230ish F), stay in there for a good while, occasionally throw some water at the hot stones on the radiator, when you get too hot, go fall in pool – repeat. Fantastic.

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.

First, congratulations on 10 days!! That is really an accomplishment.
Love your motivation to train for the race! I so miss exercise--for years, I did step aerobics, and we did 75 minutes which included weights, sit ups, push ups--it was a great workout! (I used to teach Step back in the nineties, but even filled in for our instructor a couple of years ago.) Started Jazercise, then Zumba a couple of years ago and loved both. Last summer I only walked, but on a regular basis, and had plans to go back to classes after my summer job ended. Well, that didn't happen. Now I am going to call my nurse practitioner to get her to sign a form so I can join the gym my husband is a member of. Mostly older people--older than I, I mean!:H but they have all the equipment I need. Would like to get back to the classes, but it means my husband would have to drive me, and I am not exactly thrilled about seeing everyone when I know they all know about my DUI!!! Maybe in the spring. But I need to do something. Not used to sitting around, which is what I've done for the last month! Maybe you'll serve as an inspiration for me!
Keep me posted!

TDN (whose real name is Pam!)

[MWOLady]

Well, here we go then

Hi Still. Are you "still here?" You must be busy and not posting. If you've given in to an urge to drink please don't let that stop you from posting - just get back on the wagon and let us know how we can support you. Don't forget who we are!!! If I recall from your posts above, you are pretty much doing this alone, and you have food issues as well. That's a lot do try by yourself - so even more reason to post here often and get all the support we can offer you.

Anyway just wanted to jump in and give you a cheery wave from Niagara Falls Canada.