Well, here we go then

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

Hello ladies . I?m still here yeah, and still staying off the drink so far, day 11 now. Just been having a lot of things going on at the same time and a lot of thinking to do here is all.

I?ve been thinking a lot about jobs lately. My first instinct when I left my last job was to look for similar jobs and continue on the same path I?ve been on for the last years, but, I?ve just realized that I don’t think that’s what I want to do. At least not forever. On the other hand, I?ve got a job interview next week, for a job that’s similar to my old one. So, maybe for now? It?s an ok job, and probably good for me in a lot of ways as it involves a lot of contact with clients - very good practice for me dealing with people all the time. Not my dream job though.

What I?d really like to do is probably something like Freelance translator. The problems are: I?m not sure how big the market is for the language combo of Swedish/English. Could be tricky. Sure, I?m currently trying to learn a third language – but 1. I?m doing that for fun and 2. Even if I was trying to become proficient enough in that as well to work as a translator it?d take years. Oh, and the fact that I don’t have any kind of relevant formal education is another problem.

Although, if I do get this job I?m interviewing for next week it?ll mean a pretty long commute, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing – all I need is a new laptop, and I can get some studying done on the train. At least, this job seems ok for the time being while I try to figure out where I?m actually going career-wise.

And of course, I get the treacherous little voice in my head telling me surely I could have one drink to celebrate. I?m not going to. For one thing I haven’t been offered the job yet, it?s just an interview. And for another, if I do get the job, there are better ways to celebrate that don’t involve drink or food.

Also I?m thinking a lot about what I think about any number of subjects. Sounds a bit weird I suppose, but I can be like that. It?s just occurred to me that I?m probably a bit prejudiced about religion, especially Christinanity – am trying to figure out why. I mean, one reason i decided very quickly that AA wasn?t the right track for me was the whole idea of higher power. Even if they don?t call it "God" or demand that participants be religious in any way, just that little detail along with the general "feel" of their homepage makes my skin crawl, instantly. And it?s occurred to me that that?s a bit of a weird reaction, it?s not just the fact that I don?t believe in God, rather that religion (all of them) actually quite gives me a bad case of the creeps, and I?m not sure why it bothers me so much. trying to figure it out

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.

How is it going this week? Hope all is well. ANything new on the job front?
Thinking of you.

TDN

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

Hi TDN . And anyone else of course

Been away a few days, all going well so far with not drinking, and ok with training. Actually, today is the first day in over a week I?ve felt tempted – have managed to resist.

So, was at job interview today. Not sure how it went but I think pretty well, I?ll find out in a few days. Not too stressed about it actually, am thinking “if I get it, good – if I don’t, there?ll be something else along”. Funny though, despite not being too stressed (I keep telling myself, but I hate job interviews.)I started thinking on the train home that really, I should go buy a nice bottle of wine and celebrate. Not sure what, since I don’t know yet if I get the job - but just, you know, generally celebrate. I managed to talk myself out of it by telling myself “I?m tired, I?m hungry, its cold, I?ve sat on this bloody train for an hour, and I really need to pee – I do not want to take an extra 15minutes when I get off the train to go to the shop. Just go home – shop is open until 6 if I change my mind”. I?ve found that if I can talk myself into postponing, I can usually avoid going to the shop later as well.


And rant:

My parents are both atheists, as are really all other people I know in real life (I?m living in Sweden, which while being officially a protestant country is a very secular one, and the majority of the population are atheists). I don’t actually know any religious people personally, and I have formed some preconceived ideas of what I expect “them” to be like. Just common or garden variety prejudice (I hate when that happens, I like to think I?m very open minded, so it?s really a bit uncomfortable for me when I catch myself being prejudiced).

I think: Religion, as having a general faith in some higher power (whatever you want to call it) is probably different from religion in the sense of literal belief in for example the bible, which to me personally makes exactly as much sense as taking the old Norse texts seriously and making sacrifices to Oden. I?ve had this discussion before and for some reason, that comparison seems to offend some people, but I genuinely don’t see the difference. To me, the Bible (and the religious texts of other religions as well) read like a combination of legend and a very out of date social etiquette manual. The whole set of moral and behavioral “rules” are based entirely on the social rules of the time – and I?d like to see us all move on from it. That?s not to say all of these rules are bad in my opinion, but there is far too much bigotry and frankly too much sheer stupidity for me to ever feel it?s a complete and satisfactory set of moral standards(still talking about the actual text content of the bible here)

Oh, It?s not just Christianity I have this problem with, even if that’s the one I keep using as an example I?ve realized, but I have the same issues with any organized religion.
At the same time, I don’t blame religion for all the ills of the world, like some people seem to do. I don’t think even wars that were “officially” motivated by religion were really the fault of religion, rather greed, bigotry and general stupidity – which are not tenets of religion as such, but human nature.

If I make a quick comparison with feminism (I know that sounds like a weird comparison, but bear with me). I am completely on the side of the principle of equality – but I personally don?t like to be associated or grouped with what I think of as the more bonkers category of feminist. I?m the “equality for both sides” type of feminist (maybe individualist is a better word for that really, if only because the word feminist makes people uneasy. I could probably go on a whole new rant on that subject, but not today), as opposed to the “let?s just make everything better for the women and to hell with everyone else” type. Bit of a difference… and likewise it?s not fair of me to automatically put all religious people in the “crazy intolerant fundamentalist” camp. I haven?t really been aware up until now that that?s what I do.

Apart from my newly realized prejudice against religion, I like to think I?m very open minded – I always try to see other peoples point of view even if I don’t agree with their opinion - I accept that since their experiences differ from mine, so will their feelings on a lot of things, and there are quite a few ways of looking at the world. And just because something doesn?t appeal to me personally doesn?t mean I want to stop other people from doing whatever it is. Of course I think it?d be a much better world in general if everyone shared my world-view and values. Why wouldn’t I, I do think I?m right after all.
And maybe part of my problem with religion lies in the fact that it does by its very nature require “blind” belief, and taking things on faith. Which I don’t do, rather I?m a firm believer in questioning absolutely everything whenever possible and trying to think as much as possible yourself.

That said though, one thing that really makes me nervous is people who try to make themselves spokesmen for other people without bothering asking a single question about what it actually is those other people want.

So, I really should just stop making assumptions on what people are likely to think based on what religion they say they adhere to, and instead listen to what they actually say. like i said, always question everything - and especially yourself

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

...and as usual, I?ve probably managed to offend everybody.
.
i usually do.

And here is a perfect example of me and my life. I would like to think I?m intelligent (although I?m not convinced I?m not just complicated) but, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE, at all. you make no sense to me - and now Im not trying to be funny, or facetious, or anything - I?m completely serious, I do understand the protein biosyntesis, but I do not understand people . Oh, and now I?m really not trying to make it sound like "you make no sense", I mean I, me, dont understand - different statemet.

However, I?m not your "typical"science nerd (translation - I dont even fit into that category although i theoretically should - except I?m not that smart)
..
.. there are many days when I feel that I belong absolutely nowhere - I?m a sexual (and otherwise) abuse victim who refuses to feel like a victim, because my life DID go on in a way (it wanst the end of the world for me and I?m not completely broken - but, you know, the way these things are spoken of in the media i feel like i should be, so my reaction is "wrong", which is really not helping me at all). I?m a hobby linguist fluent in 2 languages and sort of getting by in a 3rd, who usually feels generally stupid because I dont have official degrees in any of them.. ah, the hell with it, I could go on for hours.

It?s not just that I dont know what to say to people - I dont know what NOT to say (I?ve kept (most of) my opinions on politics to myself.. hint: be grateful of that, and believe me I could have annoyed (most of) you more). I?m horribly bad at having a conversation to be honest, even when I get "cues", like someone answeing me and saying "aha you do that i o this" I realise maybe i should comment that, but I dont know how to.. seriously, I dont.. I dont even have the excuse of being new on the net, Ive been on the net since the net was born moren or less, but I?m the ETERNAL lurker. I?m the person who knows everything in theory.

meh - done ranting
I keep saying I understand everyone has a different point of view - but to be really honest I dont, at all - I expect everyone to understand me.


Oh, edit for addition: Why am I thinking of this right now? - because Ive discovered that now, 22 days in, I?m not sure I?m much "better", apart from not drinking .. am i not supposed to be feeling better? .. I started drinking because i couldn?t talk to people sober - ended up drinking too much too often, eventually realized being drunk din?t help - got sober recently, only to discover I still can?t talk to people sober. basically the problem remains:; I?m still ME.. ah, f- it, am off to bed - this may look better in the morning

[jessie]

Well, here we go then

Hi Stillhere,

Have you ever done a personality test? I mean a professional one. It might give you a lot of insight about who you are deep down as well as help you understand others.
Knowledge really is power.

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.
First of all, can't speak for anybody else, but you did not offend me. You are an intellectual and your thought process is obvioulsy very deep. I think that can be a problem sometimes, because most of the rest of us don't think that way. I'm sure that is why you don't understand people and have difficulty talking with them (us.) I think it's great that you have stayed sober on your own, but just not drinking still hasn't given you peace of mind, IMO. I know that in AA, it is said--and I agree-t-that it is often the most "intelligen" who have the most difficulty.
I used to think that I could stop drinking on my own, and didn't like giving up control. Well, you can see what a mess that got me into! It took me a long time to come around to the AA way of thinking, with all its cliches and slogans, but I really am grateful I did. I know that I could not remain sober without the help I get from the group--and from this forum. I know that I can go anywhere and find an AA meeting and be welcomed, accepted, and given help if I ask for it. When I was in rehab and went to meetings where I knew nobody, I was welcomed as though I'd been coming forever. I don't know anywhere else I'd be acceptd that way. Yes, we may be very different in terms of backgrounds, beliefs, lifestyles, etc. but we have a common problem. And we have a common solution.
I am switching back and forth to an oline meeting now. This one is great and is running smoothly. Not all do, but I usually walk away with something of value.
I'm sorry that I have focused on AA, but it is what gets me through--not just staying sober physically, but also spiritually. This forum is also a huge help to me, and I have gotten to know and to respect so many here.
I don't know if this has made any sense to you, but I hope it has.
Did you get the job you spoke about? If so, I hope that it is going well!

TDN

[Katie Cat]

Well, here we go then

Still Here, I hope you really are still here. I am contemplating getting sober, and found this site while trying to find the doses for the Seven Weeks To sobriety supplements. I can't find the book in the chaos that my house has become, and I have been using that as (one of many) an excuse to keep drinking. Damn perfectionism!!! Anyway, your cringe factor about AAs religious leanings *and* your reluctance to give it to a "higher Power" resonated strongly with me. Especially where I live (american south) where everyone, practically, is religious (I think a lot of them are just paying lip service to fit in) I am (or was before drinking became my main focus) spirtual, but putting the spiritual into a box is abhorrent to me. And talking about it with strangers is like talking to them about sex. Cringe-worthy. Anyway, I hope you are still here, SH because I enjoyed your posts and they gave me a good shot of hope. Ohhh, bad pun! The thing that scares me the most is the withdrawl. I feel shaky by afternoon, which I'm pretty sure is early withdrawl symptoms. Sorry to ramble, this is hard for me to articulate. Oh, another factor against AA is the tiny town I live in, added to the fact both my parents and three of my siblings livee here. It is impossible to go anywhere without seeing someone I know. Maybe MWO can be a chance to get support without feeling like a fool. I did enough of that in high school, I know it will not help me stay commited to recovery.
Thanks for "listening" everyone.

[Unwasted]

Well, here we go then

Still Here - I'm totally with you on your sentiments.......don't worry about offending people - you can be totally open and there are plenty of people here who think like you do.......I didn't see your post earlier or I would have high-fived you before.

Regarding how long it takes to feel a difference.........give yourself a lot more time. Here's a post by Mohun that has really helped me understand the big picture better:


Thanks for the help! (posted by Mohun)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi. I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would pop in for an update and say thanks to all of the members who helped me be successful.

I haven't had any alcohol for about 15 months. Not a drop. I quit twice before for about 4 months each time using this site and the encouragement of it's members. Both times previously I went back to drinking thinking I could control it. Of course it ends up controlling me in the end.

This third time I have been very successful and thought I would pass along some observations.

There were several milestones along the way I thought were interesting. It took many many months to actually feel "normal". I thought after 30 days AF I would starting to feel "normal" but in hindsight I did not.

I do know (now) with the amount of alcohol I drank I was masking/creating other problems. From months 3-6 AF I suffered through some mild depression as my body adapted to no more alcohol. Whether that be from physical or mental adjustments or both, I am not sure. This was probably the make or break point for me (failed twice before around this time).

From 6 months to a year was where I started to see/feel some real changes of returning to "normal".

Some of the biggest changes include no longer having that feeling of being agitated and aggressive all of the time. I sleep like a rock every night and wake up refreshed. Actually going to bed sober is something I look forward to, a lot. Knowing I will wake up sober is a great feeling.

For the first part of this journey, I remember waking up expecting to feel hungover and then realizing I wasn't. It's a great feeling.

I also managed to finally take control of my poor eating habits. I have lost 70 pounds since quitting drinking. Most people are shocked to see the difference from where I was to where I am.

My family cannot believe how nice and calm I am all of the time now. My stress levels both personally and professionally have dropped dramatically.

I am posting here today in hopes that others starting on this wonderful journey can see that there are people who are successful at this. Maybe others, like me, will take what they need and move on. Which is why I wanted to come back and say thank you to all of those members who stick around and offer help and advice.

Anyway, for those just starting, there is a better life if you can stick with it. I know there can be social pressures or work pressures to drink, but you can be successful in life without drinking.

Good luck to all!


Katie - welcome!

[Katie Cat]

Well, here we go then

Day one. I will not drink today. I spent all yesterday afternoon and evening on here and reading other's stories gave me the final conviction I needed to take the leap. Even though I was drinking I took the supplements last night and this morning, and today I feel far less bad than usual. Lets do this!!!!!!

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

I m not dead yet, got new job, feel ok-ish.
..
hasnt been a smooth road and ive messed up many times - still, could be worse.



Edit: ouch, I absolutely hate waking up and vaguely remembering having posted something but not what. Wasnt too bad this time I suppose but still - and of course, this weekend is likely to be wasted, as Ive got a blinding headache and no desire whatsoever to do anything at all, in fact: I think Im going back to bed now and I?ll see if things look better in the morning.

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

Edit:new job goes welll - not drinking dosen?t.
i have about a hundred rants about feminism, politics, law, and everything else coming - buti?ll do those when sober

[Stillhere]

Well, here we go then

just a very short update: been to dr and talked about my drinking problem - was not easy, quite embarrassing, but I must admit both my dr and the nurse were very understanding and not at all judgemental.
Anyway.. I?ve been given a prescription for acamprosate (aotal in my case, its like campral) to be taken daily, and oxazepam as an emerency mearsue IF I need it. am now trying to come to terms with the dr agreeing wit me that I do have a problem

[ThreeDogNight]

Well, here we go then

Hi, Still.
Admitting and accepting that you have a problem are , in my opinion, essential to starting recovery.
Keep posting. It will get easier!
TDN

[Unwasted]

Well, here we go then

SH, so glad you reached out to your doc. Wishing you well! :lilheart: