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    Your life/my life

    You are reading this because we have something in common. I describe it as a painful addiction that is built on deep sadness and the unbearable heaviness of being. Yes that's deep, but at the moment, it feels it! Agree? Do read on and see if we can resonate with each other.

    Just listening to me is such a gift. So, thank you. I really appreciate your time in reading my story, particularly because I cannot share these thoughts with anyone in my "real" (how ironic?) life. Cathartic in practice at its best!

    I feel so desparately lonely, but you would never believe it from my life story, unless you were very very clever - I am not sure if I took a straw poll of my deepest friends and family that they would not be shocked to read of my secret feelings....The sense of relief in sharing my story for the first time in 45 years with you makes me weep as I write.

    I am as you now know a 45 year old. I am in London UK and I guess fit the description of a "successful" executive mum. I've done difficult divorces and am curently married to a (guess what - co-dependent functioning alcoholic in denial) lovely man. We have four gorgeous teen daughters , a massive mortgage and a beautiful home in one of the most prestigious areas of London. BUT...

    Every night we get home and get bombed.

    The children must have figured it out (but oh the shame it's not discussed formally - just in inunendo, comments which, of course, we rebuff/ignore). My black outs get worse - now totally three or four a week. Many "mornings after" I wonder what precisely happened at the end of the night before - rows, behaviour, details of conversations - but just put my head in my hands and solider on.

    Since my husband isn't much better positioned than me in terms of his alcohol dependance, it is not discussed. Weirdly, we seem to both ignore the hangovers and breeze on. I do raise that I am concerned, but he always brushes it off and says it's how we cope with "stress" and we are functioning since we do not pour gin on our cornflakes.

    I take the occasional Valium and a variety of anti-nausea pills to steady me depending on how hard life is, but my main drug is daily alcohol and as the Brits say "Bob's your uncle"... another day of high performance at work; an hour with the kids and then we hit the bottle and collapse again.

    Would you call this controlled alcoholism? I guess I would. It involves a bottle or two of wine a day is the normal dose.

    My husband is a marathon runner, so has cardio fitness (yet an untested fatty liver/cirrhosis progress) and an apparent joie de vivre masked by enormous denial (he says he does not fall around drunk all day and just uses it to relieve stress so he is "normal! and I am the one with the problem around guilt and alcohol; meanwhile I get fatter (BMI of just under 25) and sadder by the day about our situation, I work out, but the booze makes me hungry and boozily thirstier, thus the fatter I get NS the more I hate myself and the more I get into yoyo diet scenario etc... nightmare!

    I've tried therapy; I've tried my pathetic willpower to its limits, I've tried cups of tea... to no avail. A drink tends to always be the answer. However, a lifeline presents. I am very interested in Baclofen following finding out about the travails of Dr Olivier Ameisen and reading his powerful book. Any views/experiences to share - how can I try this in the UK?

    AA just doesn't appeal because I am an agnostic/atheist and the spiritual aspect doesnm't work for me.

    Repeating the earlier, but refreshing your thoughts, despite a loving family, my life feels empty, sad and lonely. I feel greedy, selfish and a fraud. I feel I do not deserve my success and have chosen a man to share my life with that endorses and reflects my failure/sickness.

    This is all deeply self-indulgent, but if you can relate or have any comments or advice, I would so appreciate your insights. How have you overcome or how are you trying to overcome alcohol addiction? I want (of course) to become the girl who has two drinks and doesn't need anymore (Nirvana), but I'd settle with not caring about drinking alcohol again. I want a pill and do feel it's a medical issue.

    Getting more excited by the second about my first responder.

    And if I can help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask.

    With care and anticipation....

    Clare

    #2
    Your life/my life

    Hi Clare and a big welcome and hugs.

    You have found a wonderful site of compassionate people who have found sobriety in this loving community.

    Your background doesn't really matter because it's alcohol dependence that brings us together, whatever personal circumstances are. Many have found baclofen to be of great success and others have found the side effects too problematic. Read the medical threads to see if you might want to try it.

    Your husband being in denial is a lot to cope with and many here who have had the same issue find their s.o.'s others decide to quit too. Please read the Tool Box, read and post, read and post. The magic will happen. Dowload the book, order the starter kit, and we'll see you soon. Private Message me if you like.

    :l

    Hilary
    Enlightened by MWO

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      #3
      Your life/my life

      hi clare, Welcome.
      I found your post honest and touching, I know you can quit if you put as much heart into quiting as you do/did into drinking. People often talk about 'weak willed' drinkers. Let me just say it can take plenty of will-effort-cunning-energy to get drunk and stay drunk on a regular basis. I garentee you have found ways to trick even yourself into drinking, and finding that first drink at times and places where a mear 'normal' would fail. put that kind of dedication into your sobriaty and you have evey hope of succsess.

      there is heaps of info here :https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

      as far as meds, I am in australia and i went the campral way. I was lucky and had minimual side effects, it helped to take the edge off.

      there are heaps of cliches to be found here, most are right on the money.

      welcome again.

      aspy.
      AF since 10/26/2009

      It will be five years sober 10/26/2014

      Comment


        #4
        Your life/my life

        Hi Clare and :welcome: Your post resonated with me, as I was in much the same situation as you for ten years. My bf and then husband and I were both "functioning alcoholics". Sometimes when I wondered about our drinking, he would say much the same thing as yours did, "We don't get up in the morning and take a drink! We're not alcoholics! It's just our way of relaxing in the evenings." However, it became all we really cared about. We spent time together every night watching tv and drinking, but we became like strangers to each other. We lost all the physical closeness that should exist between partners, and became "drinking buddies" more than anything else.

        I have a story here and you can read more about me there, but suffice it to say, I get you. It's time for you to make a decision to leave AL behind, with or without your husband (joining you in sobriety). I was lucky in that my husband and I finally separated. I continued drinking for another year and half, but my bf doesn't drink and with his help, I finally quit.

        I hope you stay close to MWO, and I hope you find your way out too.:l

        P.S. My relationship with my ex was not good for a long time before we separated, but I do wonder if things would have been different/better if we just had both quit drinking. We thought our problems were related to "outside" or other issues, not drinking for goodness sake. Anyway, we were unable to salvage our marriage, and I did not mean that I was "lucky" by getting a divorce.


        "I like people too much or not at all."
        Sylvia Plath

        Comment


          #5
          Your life/my life

          :welcome: Emmasee

          Glad you found MWO - it's a wonderful site full of caring and supportive people who amazingly, have very similar stories to yours.

          Alcohol takes control of our lives - it dictates where we go and what we do. We plan our day around it and make sure nothing gets in the way of our drinking hours. Unfortunately, those hours are precious hours that we are wasting and until we get some alcohol free time in, we don't realize how much time is wasted on it.

          You found this site because you feel you need to make a change. Do you think your husband would have an open mind to visit MWO? My husband doesn't drink so all my drinking was done at home in secret. MWO and all the great people here pulled me away from my daily drinking habit and made me see that there really is so much more to life.

          This decision is yours to make and for a lot of us, we have to dig deep inside ourselves and decide that we just don't want alcohol to control us anymore.

          Good luck with your journey - there are others here who know more about the meds.

          Four teenage daughters - yikes! That in itself must be a lot to handle but they are definitely a good reason to take your life back and be a good role model for them.

          Hope you will stay with us and by the way, you will find lots of advice and support over in the newbie nest.

          Good luck Clare!
          Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

          Comment


            #6
            Your life/my life

            Clare your not alone, each and every day is a journey that unfortunately doesn't happen overnight, baby steps take enough of them together and they add up to positive change.
            I can relate to your story, mines not dissimilar except 3 years ago we lost the money house & business with it and oh boy that's a bad receipe for wanting to drink. It's been a journey of ups and downs and somedays I win others not at all, what matters is that you continue to try!!

            Camperol worked well for me 3 months AF then I got brave and relapsed badly which I'm so not proud of. I start again tomorrow

            I've been a successful functioning alcoholic for a few years always hiding the fact, but my kids see it and that I can't handle, I want to be a great mum, positive influence so determined to keep working on being AF

            Camperol really helps, visit your doctor and have a chat about the options, when taking it I didn't even think about Alcohol

            Wishing you the very best, let me know how you go

            Comment


              #7
              Your life/my life

              Further to my earlier post, Clare changing your drinking habits may not happen overnight, I too used to drink a bottle or two each night, I cut back, 1 day AF then two. Dropped wine at home altogether and committed only to 2 pre mixed drinks so no hangover. It took some time but slowely I was not that two bottle of wine a night person.

              Formulate a plan, MWO program helps a lot, go easy on yourself and create small achievable wins, trust me they add up!! The first step is desire, I see you have thatnow just a few action steps to break and change some habits

              Hope this helps, your not alone, the members hear are great yell out any time you need to share, chat, a boost or anything else in between

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