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**lushy** · February 1, 2007, 10:54 PM

New Start

Hi Jim and Welcome!!! That is quite the story you have there. I hope you will read and get involved with this community. It has been a great source of support for all of us, whether we choose to abstain or to try and moderate. Download the book and perhaps consider taking the supplements. It is a good start and you will feel you are doing something positive for yourself instead of drowning in the booze. Best of luck to you!!!

**Popeye** · February 1, 2007, 11:35 PM

New Start

I jimjam.
Plenty of support here.
I hope you find what you need.

**Accountable for Me** · February 1, 2007, 11:41 PM

New Start

jimjam. My heart breaks for you. You must be in so much internal pain. Alcohol just enhances it at times which can result in destructive behaviour.

Is there possibly a doctor you can consult with? Like your general doctor? Maybe he/she can help you get onto a program to come off of the alcohol and help you with long term goals dealing with alcohol problems and other issues? Counselling possibly?

We all have our stories, and you will see by reading them. You will find here a super support system that can help you get on a path to a healthier life both physically and mentally. Just know we are here for you. Sometimes it helps to have a place to let your emotions, thoughts and frustrations out. Somewhere where you are not going to be judged. There is a great group of people here.

**weemelonhead** · February 2, 2007, 01:06 AM

New Start

Hi Jimjam........
I can FULLY empathize with you..

I am a woman who has been EXTREMELY violent when I have been drinking, as you say, it may be ok for a while, and things seem under control, and then WHAM...it happens again! I am dreadfully ashamed to say that I have physically attacked my partner and many of my former friends MANY times while on drunken binges...this is something I have NEVER done, or felt like doing when sober....it is a horrific, hellish memory to wake up to in the morning...and strangely enough, when i was on the way home from work this evening, I was reminded by an item on the radio news of a time about 6 years ago when I attacked a friend at a public party for NO reason whatsoever....and once again...experienced the shame as if it was the day after....I am very glad that no one ever had a video of my drunken behaviour...just the small segments I CAN remember are enough to make me want to die....quite literally...I ought to have been locked up

And that is why I am here....and why I will NEVER have another drink again...I cannot moderate, and I CANNOT live with myself when drinking...I have been sober since I started here 57 days ago...it is the BEST thing in the world that ever happened to me, and to anyone else who has had the misfortune to be close to me..............there IS hope if you want to kick this sorry state of affairs RIGHT out of the bloody window, down the path and into the middle of the next millenium......you sound like you want to, and if you are anything like me, you NEED to if you want to live peacefully with yourself

Stay Jam...use EVERYTHING here you need, and most of all..thank God that you discovered what CAN be used to ensure a real turning point in your life ....these people are GOOD, GOOD, GOOD......I have had SO much support and love since my arrival, I really cannot believe my luck...they are the best!!!!

Hope to hear many more posts from you ......Much love and even more understanding.Weemelon:h

**ModerationNow** · February 2, 2007, 04:32 AM

New Start

jimjam and weemelon, you are both telling my story. I too become violent when drunk. My husband has forgiven me many, many times but the shame never goes away. Just thinking about the terrible things I said and done to this man makes me want to drink and forget, hence the vicious cycle...I would love to be able to quit drinking altogether but I'm having a hard time with that...If my last attempt at moderation fails again, I will have to stop...It's just so hard because my husband likes beer as much as me and we egg each other on to drink. I wish you the best of luck!

**jimjam** · February 2, 2007, 04:43 AM

New Start

I have sat here now and cried my eyes out at the fact i am not alone. Unless you are in this world you can't understand it. I feel so stupid so weak. There is no reason for me to be so f**k up and yet I am. My biggest fear about not drinking is that the days are to long. At least if I know I can have a drink at 6/7/8pm I know that I don't have to think about life anymore. Do exercise people say well I do 6k a day at the gym. I love to cook and I do. What else is there?
Maybe I am depressed?

**ModerationNow** · February 2, 2007, 04:52 AM

New Start

Alcohol is a depressant and it usually takes me a few days of AF to feel better and less depressed. Hang in there. My problem has always been the same: Once I felt better after a few days AF, I started being bold again and started my old drinking habits all over again...I have to work on that one. I'm pretty much depressed right now, probably because I drank 6 beers yesterday and didn't stick with the 4 I had planned (eventually I want to go down to 2-3 drinks a day with AF days). My goal for today will be AF. Wish me luck.

**AAthlete** · February 2, 2007, 07:23 AM

New Start

jimjam, depression could play a part of it, but a visit to a qualified professional could tell you more.

In my case, I was having a lot of stress at work and home and experienced a strong bought of depression. In order to feel better, I would 'deaden' my senses with alcohol (mind you I wasn't making the underlying problems disappear). I saw a therapist who prescribed Lexapro and it made all the difference in the world.

Since I've found this website (and the people who post here), I've managed to go AF for 17 days, have gotten off the Lexapro, and feel better mentall and physically then I've felt in years. Much like Melon, I've almost developed an aversion to drinking - I DO NOT want to go back to the way that I was.

There is hope, and you can do it - I'm proof of that (as are many other membes here). Keep reading the posts, and get the MWO book - we'll all be pulling for you.

**Lotus** · February 2, 2007, 10:11 AM

New Start

Jimjam and moderation

You have come to the right place. I say this because I used to argue with my husband, and then not even remember what we were arguing about the next morning. We'd wake up to see what had been broken. Most of the time the arguments were just shouting abuse at each other and taking anger out on something. Once we have ended up hitting each other.

I've been AF now for 1 month, but my husband continues to drink. He was the one who was showing concerns about my drinking!! I did point it out to him last night, but unless he admits it himself, there is only so much I can do. However, if he tries to pick an argument with me now, as I'm not drinking I can handle the situation much better. They say alcohol loosens you tongue. Now I can just walk away and control my anger and wait till he's sober to sort the situation out.

As I say to others, one step at a time. You may not feel the benefits straight away. Best things come to those who wait.

All the best.

**ylfa** · April 8, 2007, 08:14 AM

New Start

I know everything what you have said here before. It is terrible situation to change personality when drink is taken. I can not say to you how I will be if I drink tonight. Maybe everything is ok that is almost never. Most of the time I behave stupid, sayind discusting things with people trying to hurt them. Have some oppinion that I would never in my life think sober. Have blackouts and dont remember how I get home. Loose everything. Be stressed that visa bill come home so I see what I did last time down town. I fell down many time and hurt my self and I am totally discusting when I am drunk. That is the truth. I know lot of people that find that to and I have ruined many dates, relationships and work parties with my behavior. I am one more time in this situation and I can not drink more. I understand so much of the shame that you talk about and me I live in small city that makes it even more worse.
Take care all and we can do this all together. I love this site.
Regards Ylfa

**goingsobermum** · April 8, 2007, 10:58 AM

New Start

JimJam,
Welcome to my way out. I too remember the bruised face where my other half hit me to stop me attacking him, I was drunk and kicking out with my 9 month old daughter in my arms. Not an great place to be.
Stick around, read the book, get some supps and maybe meds. You can do it you can get it under control.
Love from Suz

**tea** · April 8, 2007, 02:10 PM

New Start

Hi JJ, welcome. You are not alone in anything you say on this site, there is always someone who can relate to whatever you are ashamed of. Luckily no one has ever video'd me... well not drunk anyway but that is a different story. I too have attacked people verbally and physically while drunk but would never even dream of doing to while sober, I abhore physical violence of any kind... except when I am drunk apparently, no NOT apparently, it has been proven and witnessed. The morning after total destroyed feeling is something I NEVER want to feel again, how many times did I do it before I didn;t want to do it again, who knows, all I can say is EVERY TIME! I have insulted friends I have had since childhood - I am 44 this year, good friends.. partners... family - and always the monday mantra of 'never again'. This site has given me so much in the short time I have been here, I have to look in every day (when I can), I don't always post, don't ever feel that I have to, that is the beauty of this place, it is whatever you feel like when you feel like it. Please read previous posts and take on board what is being said, I really belong here and love it.

Lorna

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