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This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

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    This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

    Hello Ya'll!

    I have been reading for a few days. While reading and shaking my head in common bondage with everyone else here, I realized I should tell my own "story"...mainly as a means to purge. I have spewed my story in rehab, to patients, to doctors (who would even bother to listen) and on another recovery website...and when I tell it...it's STILL as if I am telling a story....in other words..not a REAL story...and in reality, that's the way my brain works, I am beginning to realize...I am never IN reality...IN the moment....and I somehow LIKE it that way....

    SO...I was born to teenage parents in 1966. My mother and father married, but as soon as my father left for Vietnam, my mother ran off with another man just returning from that war.
    I was raised by a heavy drinking, good-ol boy child/wife abuser....anyone from the South (and/or from Texas, Louisiana, etc will know these types....) and even though at first, my beautiful mother was kind, loving and creative...she eventually became an alcoholic just like my step-father...but worse...my mother was/is mentally ill. My childhood is filled with not only the typical alcoholic, child abuse family stories: the beatings, explaining away the bruises, the screaming fights...the embarrassing moments at family gatherings, social events, etc but also with the terrible moments like my mother pacing back and forth with a knife in her hand hearing "voices" that tell her to kill every one and then herself...the moments where she is strangling me with my roller skate strings and I have to punch her in the face to be able to breath....my mother passed out face first on the floor in her own vomit and urine with my step- father laughing and hitting her prone body.....I can go on and on with ever increasing horror stories.
    At age 15, my mother and step-father divorced. My younger half brother stayed with his father and I went to the other end of Texas with my mother. My mother was quickly institutionalized and my unloving maternal grandmother, with whom we were living, forced me to live with my natural father who I had never met before that time. I was tossed from house to house, unloved and unwanted. I was kicked out for graduation and joined the Navy to have a place to live. My anorexia should have kept me out, (I was 90 pounds at age 18 and am 5 ft 5 inches tall), but my mental breakdown DID get me thrown out of boot camp...amazingly, I got a scholarship to college because my mother was institutionalized...I dropped to 85 pounds my first year in college. I lived in the dorms less than 5 miles from home because nobody wanted me around, (I was a reminder of other's failures). I married the first man who asked me...11 years my senior. (I KNOW this is long, I am sorry)
    I will speed through the middle part of my life, as I didn't even TOUCH alcohol until I was in my late 20's...no..not even in college or HS.
    My first husband was a religious freak and I was abused in many ways. I had a son with this man. I did the wrong thing and ran off with another man to be able to get away from my abusive first husband. When I told him, the next day EVERYTHING I OWNED was gone and I didn't see my son again until he was almost 10 years old. I had some good come of this as I went back to school, was able to live on my own and then moved back to Texas, met my 2nd, (normal) husband and moved to Utah, remarried, had a daughter. Then I am about 28/29. I have had terrible female problems since puberty. There was no disease called endometriosis when I first started to have problems, so I was tossed all kinds of hormones, pain killers, sedatives...you name it..I was becoming more and more chemically messed up and also, I probably AM bipolar as a result of my family history......
    SO...I start to become dependent upon the pain killers....I never got any kind of help..I just drifted away until I lost my mind. I left my husband, daughter and any kind of normal lifestyle...and I dated all the wrong kinds of men...married ones even...I started to smoke pot, take pills, drink, sold everything...gained 30 pounds...just lost everything I was inside...(to this day...at this MOMENT..i still cannot find that gal I was in the 1990's...)
    I am SO sorry this is so long....
    I met my current husband after being forced to leave Saudi Arabia in 1999. I was not drinking much at that time...just a pill popping pothead. I was living in a studio and not even working in medicine like I have been doing since 1988. He is from Wisconsin and ALSO from an alcoholic family. We drank on camping trips...then we began to take MDMA and go to raves and parties. We moved to Chicago. The partying became more and more prevalent in our lives. We drank so much on weekends that I would not remember a thing. I began to black out. speed forward to 2008. I was, by this time, drinking 4 beers a night...in front of the computer alone..AND on weekends..holy cow.....drink, drink, drink, puke...drink more...every weekend. Then I heard my brother was dead and cremated. He had tried to get help and took the pills the MD prescribed...drank his normal..and never woke up...he was 38 years old. Unfortunately, the last memory I had of him was drunk and holding a shotgun to my forehead, (another long story) and so I flipped out and started to drink even more. My liver got fatty. I was forced into rehab...my first. I stopped for a little over a month then started again....2 months after rehab, I woke up handcuffed to a stretcher..I had suffered a grand mal seizure! Tests after tests couldn't find a cause, yet monthly, I would have a grand mal....
    I have gone through 2 formal programs and only managed a month AF. I have gone to hospital twice for detoxing and managed only a month. This last time, in January/Feb, after spending a week in hospital with gastritis, deuodenitis, and colitis...vomiting every 20 minutes....I was again only able to stop a month...and here I am right back at it! Now my husband, who I thought would always be with me and loving me...is staying out in bars until 4 am or so... IF he comes home at all, he is found passed out in the hall, on a park bench, in the bushes...and he doesn't want to get help!

    I KNOW I need to stop...I KNOW all the things I need to do....but I WON'T do it...it's like a beast inside me has taken over and I am trapped into this nightmare.....
    and the seizures have made me seem almost retarded, (I am not very politically correct, you know), I cannot remember stuff...I am like a walking dead person.....it's like I am killing myself with neglect and feel as if I somehow DESERVE TO DIE.....

    well....there it is, ya'll...long as hell and probably not making ANY sense.....

    so..now what? HOW IN THE HELL DO I STOP THIS RIDE? I have tried and tried...all I KNOW is pain..pain..pain...sometimes being strong is a hindrance...and when I say strong...I mainly just mean BULL-HEADED.....

    #2
    This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

    I am just like you. You opened up your post here acknowledging this common bond we all share in our inability to drink like "normal people"! I like you am now expert at quitting drinking, I just suck at not drinking. If you read my thread here you will lose count of my day ones and this time out I made it to day 40 by sheer determination and also the support of AA. I realized I could not stay sober on my own, a year of therapy did absolutely nothing to help me stay sober. But AA is doing something I did not find here or anywhere else is the human element that the fellowship aspect of AA and sitting in a room sharing in our daily struggles to live life sober.

    You have your work cut out for you as I see just how hard it is for one lady in my group whose husband is also a hard drinker who is a constant obstacle for her to navigate trying to remain sober. You can do it, but you have to want to do it and also do 2 things.

    Be honest with yourself that you are powerless over the effects of alcohol and that there is no such thing as taking one sip and being OK. You might do it one day, even two.....but I have a strong feeling you like me know all too well that in no time you will be back to drinking harder than ever.

    Secondly find support. Find people that know what you are going through and who you can trust and talk to. I found that at AA. My wife is supportive but she just has no idea the internal war that is waging inside of me wanting to drink. AA people know this and are a tremendous ally in your battle to stay sober.

    I wish you well in your journey! Just do it one day at a time. Make that promise to yourself not to drink just for today....and wake up tomorrow and make that same promise day after day.
    Is Addiction Really a Disease?
    Watch this and find out....
    http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

    Comment


      #3
      This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

      I would just like tyo thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story.

      This is a good place to start https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

      KEEP reading, posting and letting us know how you are doing, we are all here for you and know how hard it can be but it is also doable.

      Best of luck x
      "It's not your job to like me, it's mine!"

      AF 10th May 2010
      NF 12th May 2010

      Comment


        #4
        This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

        I wanted to make a comment...and this isn't really an excuse, (or issss it...hmmmm) anyhow...
        the last relapse....in March after that hospital horror, (that my insurance is fighting the $40,000.00 price tag...)....I CONSCIOUSLY argued with myself...I felt like I WAS insane...two voices fighting in my head....don't take that drink...you know you'll just go back to daily drinking...(I had been doing well...eating whole foods...losing weight...feeling good...getting the feeling back into my hands and feet...) and I gave MYSELF THE FINGER....isn't THAT messed up? I mentally said F* you and had that drink, (then another and another)
        Here is my scare...my nightmare that has already started to come true....
        I am EXTREMELY high strung...like...I would shake like a beaten dog if I wasn't under the influence of SOME KIND of SOMETHING to calm me down....
        In the 90's, doctors were almost EAGER to give me something...ambien, (I can go 4 days in a row without sleep...not a wink...) Valium, Xanax, Flexeril.....and these things on TOP of the pain killers I used to take, (thank GOD I now get sick when I take any narcotics or I would be selling more than my soul to get at them...) and psychotropic drugs...oh my Helen..I have taken, at one time in my life...everything ever made...
        I smoke so much pot, (yes...a female professional who is over 40 who is a pothead...so much so that my nickname among friends is "Smoke-a-hontas..no really...) to try and sleep or relax...that I now cough daily...my lungs are probably more resin than normal lung cells....
        but I am DESPERATE!!! this last time in the hospital...I was SO sick and insane..I was SCREAMING for them to give me a sedative...they refused...I was ripping out my IV..screaming obscenities....
        they finally HAD to give me something...and I spent a week after my discharge going through HORRIBLE Ativan withdrawal....
        So..what do I do? When I got out of the hospital in Feb. this year, I went 4 days again without sleep a wink...EVEN WITH THE POT....EVEN WITH THE Phenergan......I was a raving lunatic....planning paintings, major house cleanings...books I was going to write...(I ended up cooking healthy foods like a fiend and spending hundreds of $$ on e-books...then a month later, back to my lovely, deadly IPA......)
        I have medical bills piled up since the Middle Ages....and so I hesitate to go back into therapy...hell..it never really worked for me...("How the hell can YOU help ME when you never will know what it feels like to get finger banged by your own mother?" I actually said that to a social worker once...) My MD's CRINGE when I even bother to go in to see them, (which is now rare) because how many times can you tell someone to stop drinking....get on mind altering "legal" drugs because I'm obviously insane....
        OK...I'm running out of excuses??? (My peripheral neuropathy and stomach problems and neurological issues are a CONSTANT reminder WHY I MUST stop...but why is it that I am SO good at flipping myself off....and just keep banging at death's door screaming LET ME IN!!!!

        Comment


          #5
          This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

          And people wonder why I get enraged when I try and get help and yet I am treated as if I am in sane....just like WFS...none of you people even RESPOND to my pleas....I got two responses. Thanks.....another shallow site....

          I isolate because I do not have ANYTHING in common with my "fellow" alcoholic.......

          Thanks for nothing....

          I am closing my account here......nothing special

          Comment


            #6
            This is attempt number 4 (or is it 6...hmmmmm)

            Dont give up so fast, you only posted yesterday, give us some time to get back to you. Your story is one of great pain, I could never comprehend the abuse you have suffered. You CAN make it, it will be hard, and honestly I dont know if it ever gets easy. every waking moment is a struggle and a fight. You need to pray, seek streanth in God, get a sponser, you need to have a level of accountability, someone who will give you a helping hand in your weakest momnet. it can be done on your own too, but it WILL be the hardest thing you have ever done. stay strong, dont give up.

            Comment

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