My Dad just died

[Tatahi5]

My father died two weeks ago today from liver failure. My mom got her new liver 12 years ago. And now my son just asked me, "Mom why don't you quit drinking?" (He is only eight years old.)

For the month preceding his last month in the hospital I kept waking up in the middle of the night, sitting straight up in bed, panicking. The thought was that time is short. Not sure who or why but time is short. I told a few friends about this overwhelming feeling. I couldn't figure it out. I started looking for a new job so I could be with my family more. I started writing letters to my husband and children. I took my father out to lunch 10 days before he went into the hospital and begged him not to give up. When he went into the hospital and we realized he was not going to come home I realized then that the feelings I was having were about him, not me. I watched my big, strong father take is last breath. He died slowly in a lot of ways as we all know how things happen with this disease. But the last month happened suddenly in the same. I have watched my mother get her transplant, go through cancers due to the ant rejection medications for her liver, seizures, celluloses, dialysis...Dad had the same, cancer, major circulation issues, pain and of course significant sleep issues. This all comes proceeding many years of drinking and fighting. Cleaning up their messes and trying to sort thought the confusion of growing up with two alcoholic parents. I have always known they loved me, my sisters and now my family. It was a very painful end to a man I loved who lived with so much pain. It could have been so different.

So now this gift of alcoholism is truly mine. I have known since before I had my first drink I would have to get sober someday or turn out like them. Now If I can't figure this out it will be a gift I give to my children. I am scared beyond the words I have to explain. I have been on this site for a few years now and been to AA on and off for more then a decade. My drinking is killing me. I have to quit or I will die.

[Tatahi5]

My Dad just died

BTW~ Tis is day two sober.

[hart]

My Dad just died

(((Bjghakh)))

I too had an alcoholic mother. She didn't die from alcohol per se. She was also a heavy smoker and actually died from cancer, but she did a lot of damage to herself, mentally by drinking and basically gave up on life, a lot by drinking. So you would have thought I would never be a heavy drinker...yet here I am.

It must have been chilling to have your 8 year old say that. Only you can make that change. There are a lot of supportive people here. When you are truly ready they will help. Congrats on day two!!!!!

[Tatahi5]

My Dad just died

So here we are

Thanks for responding Hart. So here we are. It speaks of just how powerful alcoholism is. Nature vs Nurture.... thoseof us who have both factors working against us have a big job ahead. (not that it takes nature or nurture to have a serious problem). It is amazing to me that I have watched this kill my parents and others, many others, for my whole life and I have rationalized my drinking for this long, (I am 34 and been a drink since I was 18, (or for 34 years if you want to think of it that way). I am having a difficult time figuring out how I am going to do this. Day to day will be hard enough but what about the special occasions? The BBQ'ss, holidays ect. One day at a time, I know. I just keep thinking about my Father's last breath. I can't go out like that. The pain from the loss of my father combined with the fear or getting or not geting sober is just so big. I can't spend another summer sleeping and hung over while my kids and husband bike, swim, BBQ and enjoy life with out me. I miss them. Life is too short for to live like this.

[SKendall]

My Dad just died

'm so sorry you had to lose parents so early in your life. What if the ONLY thing you DIDN'T do tomorrow was drink. It helps to break it down.

[DizzyBee]

My Dad just died

:l Sent you a PM. :l

[Tatahi5]

My Dad just died

SKendall...yes, I think today all I am going to do in NOT drink.

And Dizzy, thank you again for your support.

I am just so scared. I keep seeing flashes of my father taking his last breaths and then I see him as a big, strong cop, my hero as a little girl. Both my parent's couldn't figure this out. (My mom is 95% sober only and a glass of wine here and there but it took a new liver for that to happen). I don't want to be this person. I want to remember my life. I want to deal with my emotions. I want to be there for my family. I want to live! Yet I am so scared to be with out it too.... I am just not sure how this is going to be possible.

[sunshinedaisies]

My Dad just died

Bjghakh - so sorry for the loss of your dad - I know what it is like - I lost my dad too, although many years ago, and although it wasn't directly drinking or smoking related, it contributed to it. It is a very sad time for you. :l:l Congrats on two days sober - you have to do this for you and there is SO much support here on this site - post, read and come here often. Sending love and hugs to you.....

sun X

[Byrdlady]

My Dad just died

B...I am so sorry for your loss. My Dad has just been diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer. My parents were never drinkers at all...so I got invited, too, even without the family genes. I have been trying to come to grips with my dad's grim diagnosis....he would be absolutely appalled if he knew I am an Alcoholic. But all that aside for a moment....you have an opportunity that your parents didn't take. You have the chance to rewrite the ending, and you have already begun as I believe this is your Day 3. I know you have read it if you have wandered around this site at all....but you cannot think about all the 'what if's' of tomorrow, you will worry yourself to death doing that. You cannot control tomorrow, but you can control today. I worried about what I would do at company conventions and BBQ's and communion even...New Year's with the toasts!! Desserts with liquors in them that I was bound to be served! Worry, worry, worry, and you know what?? I've gotten thru each of these things and it was NO BIG DEAL! I built it up in my mind so that no human alive could achieve these things...but you will be amazed at how no one else really cares what/or if you are drinking...most of it is in our own minds!!!
Come on over to the Newbie's Nest....we have lots of success going on there...people who are just where you are in their journeys. You will have partners and that is very helpful...days you are up you pull them thru and vice versa. This CAN be done...and I am living proof! It's just like eating an elephant...how on Earth do you do that??? One bite at a time! Byrdie

[Tatahi5]

My Dad just died

I am not ignoring any of you! I have been slammed at work. I will respond tomorrow when I am off work Thank you, thank you all for the support. I have so much more I want to share and ask! Today is day 6, I feel strong but a bit nervous for Cinco de Mayo...Day at a time. I will reply tomorrow

[Running4life]

My Dad just died

I too lost both my parents by age 35. They were both drinkers and smokers. My Sister died of colon cancer two years ago and she struggled with alcohol addiction as well.
Yes, it is a huge wake up call and we have the gift of time. It will still be hard to give up AL and sometimes the cravings will win out but keep up the fight. We can and will have the gift of a happy and sober life due to these experiences. That is how I see it.
So sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. It is hard to watch someone take their last breath.
Sending you healing thoughts,
R4L

[cpn1004]

My Dad just died

Sorry about your loss. As you know this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I had to do this sobriety trip when I was ready and be rather selfish about it. Sometimes the only thing i get right is not taking a drink. Glad to see you all here.

[finallydone]

My Dad just died

So sorry for your loss! My grandpa died from alcoholism and watching it take a strong person down is heartbreaking in many ways. My prayers are with you my fellow Minnesotian!! We can beat this thing and live along life. We are around the same age and I too have gotten scared of what I have been doing to myself by the hard drinking. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to....

[Tatahi5]

My Dad just died

Running, I am so very sorry to hear of all thrre of your close losses. It is game changer. Some days must be difficult for you to get dressed. They say time heals but the scars remain. The only thing we can do, you too finallydone, is show them we can do it differently. They would want that.

Yesterday I had a thought, "I should call Dad and tell him..." It's moments like that when it stings. I cling to my father's 24 hour AA coin for strength. Yesterday, Cinco De Mayo, my husband and three youngest kids went to West St. Paul to attempt to join the celibration but were rained out. I was nervous about the event...the event w/out beer or booze, but I did it. I think my reason is finally big enough. I feel like I have missed out on the last 15 years of my life. I sept years giving myself to anyone who would ave me, just to not feel alone only to feel more alone afterwards...always, everytime, without exception. More times then I care to count. Who did I really think could feel the hole in my chest? Some random person who wasn't even going to be there in the morning? I failed my son so many times. Hung over and sleeping hour after hour. I share custody with his dad and I still spent so many hours drinking or hung over when I should have been loving and supporting him.

Now the newest twist. My wonderful husband...truly a great man. He is having some mixed feelings about this. At first he was begging me to get sober...feeling like he was loosing me in the bottle, (he was). So, I find my reason....my kids, my husband, my health, TIME, life, love, I can't put my kids though what I have gone though with my dad for the last 15 years of his life....ect, ect.....

But last night he got upset. We took the kids to a movie after the failed Cinco attempt and came home and put them to bed. He was tired and wanted to go to sleep so I walked him to bed and said goodnight....I watch some TV trying to shut my brain off. So much to think about these days as you all know. He came down stairs for water and I could tell he was mad so I went up to talk. He said I was "distant" and he hopped I wasn't going to be like this all the time now, only wanting to talk about my feelings and getting sober... He also said, " I don't understand why it has to be all or none with you!" ................... Me either.

Why does it have to be all or none....that is the nature of the disease. I can guarntee that I wish more then he does that I could be a "normal" drinker. Dosen't every alcoholic? To have just one or two once a week? Perfect. Not how we are wired. I understand that even though he ultimatly want me healhty and to live a long life, he really wants that most of all. He also has to get used to this massive change. He wasn't much of a drinker before me. Of course I changed that and he became quite good at it, matched me for a long time. Then he started to get healthy, lost a bunch of weight and started exercising and in turn stopped drinking as much. Thing is, many time we drink we just have fun. We don't fight, and do it on a night when we don't have the kids the next day. If it were just that I would never have to quit. But I drink, drank, every, everyday. I work some overnights and would dink in the morning before bed, nothing changed it, I would just drink. Hungover and drunk for the last 15 years. Maybe someday I will be able to have two beers and call it good but not now. I wish he could realize that if there were another way I would take it. For as much as he wants a normal drinking wife, I want a to be a normal drinker even more. I wish he could understand. I can't go back. I will die slowly, and certianly not live. This is such a complicated disease.

Thank you all for your support. It give us strength being together in this. I will offer my support to everyone in the days and weeks to come as I get strongers as well. THank you all.

One week sober today.

[K9Lover]

My Dad just died

Hi BJ,

I just wanted to add my support. I'm very sorry about the loss of your dad. I know you are going through a lot right now, but you managed a week sober...that is awesome. I always say I got sober for my daughter, but I stay sober for me. We can do it initially for others, but in the end, we have to love ourselves enough to stick with it. I can tell from your posts that you are serious about this, and I admire that. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you.

Sending you strength.

K9