For the month preceding his last month in the hospital I kept waking up in the middle of the night, sitting straight up in bed, panicking. The thought was that time is short. Not sure who or why but time is short. I told a few friends about this overwhelming feeling. I couldn't figure it out. I started looking for a new job so I could be with my family more. I started writing letters to my husband and children. I took my father out to lunch 10 days before he went into the hospital and begged him not to give up. When he went into the hospital and we realized he was not going to come home I realized then that the feelings I was having were about him, not me. I watched my big, strong father take is last breath. He died slowly in a lot of ways as we all know how things happen with this disease. But the last month happened suddenly in the same. I have watched my mother get her transplant, go through cancers due to the ant rejection medications for her liver, seizures, celluloses, dialysis...Dad had the same, cancer, major circulation issues, pain and of course significant sleep issues. This all comes proceeding many years of drinking and fighting. Cleaning up their messes and trying to sort thought the confusion of growing up with two alcoholic parents. I have always known they loved me, my sisters and now my family. It was a very painful end to a man I loved who lived with so much pain. It could have been so different.
So now this gift of alcoholism is truly mine. I have known since before I had my first drink I would have to get sober someday or turn out like them. Now If I can't figure this out it will be a gift I give to my children. I am scared beyond the words I have to explain. I have been on this site for a few years now and been to AA on and off for more then a decade. My drinking is killing me. I have to quit or I will die.
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