Before I start my spelling is not the best.......progress not perfection.
But you'll know what I mean
I may be talking to myself as far as Prespription Drugs are concerned here ,but you'd never know.....Alcohol was my Main Drug until I found Tranqualisers .
I then used both cleverly...been careful never to Over dose.
I will now Share the Devestating results of been left on them for so long.
My first interduction was way back when I was very young......you see my mother and others seemed to think I was annemick....short of blood.....or that there was something unknowen wrong with me .The reason was that I used to get Fainting spells quite often as a Child.This worried my Mother and she Brought me to doctors.............they prescribed me some Tablets to help with this condition.They helped for awhile.........but I did not become addicted then.I was about 8 or 9 at the time.
I used to do alot of traveling in cars as a child.........doing Irish Dancing.On these trips I used to get Weak,Car Sickness used to be a big Problem and an Embarrisment to me regurally.Mam got me Sea Legs tablets for travelling,which helped.
It was much later..........around 24 years of age that I started Drinking,i could drink normally for a few years...........then something happened...i crossed an invisable line and from then on I gradually needed it every day.
One mourning I was very sick,after a HARD NIGHTS Drinking............ I was sitting on the couch in our Kitchen,sweating,shaking,and did not know what was happening.
My Mother was very worried.........she said take one of these they might settle you.She gave me a small yellow tablet.....I later discovered it was valium.
This little tablet relaxed me and I felt pretty good in a short time.
Many times I was feeling gittery after drinking and I would ask mam for one of her Tablets and she would give me one.
It came to the time then that I was at My Doctor on mourning ,trying to get a sick certificate for work,and I told the DR that I needed something for my depression......anxiety etc.He prescribed me some Tranqualisers.....librium.
To make a long story short.............From then on I was Hooked.
I needed them....and progressed to stronger ones as the years moved on.
I used to use them to help with my withdrawels from booze.
I seen several Phychitrists.......... over the years,they were trying to help me get better.It never happened,they could never figure out what was wrong with me...........I was at this time always in denial,i did not know what was wrong.
I had been a very sick individual for many years and I did not know it......and could do nothing about it..........Sad
Looking back I was Paranoid.........thought I could read other peoples minds.......thought I was the Second Coming of Christ,that I could cause Miracles........Lots of crazy goings on.
I would lie and cheat to doctors to get my Fix.....I progressed to writing my own Doctors Prescriptions when I could not get enough Tranx.
I was a Junkie.........Big time.
My Final Drug was ATIVAN....These were wonder drugs,Fast acting,they suited me down to the Ground.They never made me High or anything just made me feel...or not feel Normal...ie >Took away my fears.
After many years on them...my Dose had become so large that I needed to Attend 2 or More Drs to Fill my Habit.
Really what they did was bury my Fears Deeper inside my Soul
I was never a bad person............never violent.. ....a quite sick soul.
I was also an Expert on Prescription drugs............a tablet for every ailment........ that was me.Tranqualiserss to Go out,drive,talk,just be Normal........as I could be...... Tranx to work even to go to AA Meetings and to go to Sleep.
I was in rehab 13 Times...the longest time was 6 weeks,it cost me ?2,000 in 1972.....it took 2 years to pay it off.The Funny think is now looking back I drank 5 minutes after leaving rehab and me on AntiBooze,I was very lucky I did not Die ..I thought in my mind nothing could kill me.. I needed my fix so much.
I also left Re Hab with prescriptions for More Anti Depressiiants and Tranx in my pocket.
I had Picked up names of new Tablets I could Use, while I was In rehab.
I was never going to face the demons/Pain...... I had faced in that rehab again if I could help it.
Anyway that continued for 25 years..........drinking and druging.
Then on one of my visits to rehab.........one of the Patients that I had become friendly with told me there was a young girl I shoud have a chat with that was in another part of the Hospital.
I was .....one for always trying to help people...as we ACs do.
So I told my friend Id see her and try and cheer her up.
When I met this Girl.....she was a beautiful woman ,but she seemed very depressed.
How could someone so beautiful be so depressed.
We became friends..........
After she left Hospital we kept in touch..........
we would meet every couple of weeks.as she worked in another part of the Country.
Eventually......I got the courage to leave my family of Origin as my father Retired and I could never stick been around him at home.......24/7..... He always gave me a Hard Time.............I had a terrible Anger towards him at the time. ...Ithink I have Delt with most of that Anger.
I went to live with my Girl Friend in the Big City.
We eventually had a child......... A beautiful baby Girl.
We were not married ,so that was a "no no in my Country "at the time.
Pregnant woman were shunned at Home and by Society at Large.
To make along story short again..we kept the baby....set up house,well away from Home of origin.......... and created a little Family.
I was still addicted to Prescription Drugs,it was part of my life.
The Depression and anxiety i Was suffering was not getting any easier for me to live with.
No matter what Tablets I got, they were doing me no Good.
I said to my New Dr that I needed something Stronger.so he made an appointment with a Neurolligist to see if he could figure what to give me for my NERVES as my own Doctor could not figure what i needed.
He done out a new prescription............ for the same tablets that I was already on,and they were not working any more.
What am I going to do.......I need them...but there no use to me anymore.
Imagine not a Tranqualiser in the World could Relax me.
Now what am I going to do...............Im F%%ed.
I went back to my original Dr..told him the story..........
He said you need to get off the Tablets all together..........they are now causing the Pain and Palpations............that they originally stopped.
It took over 1 year cutting down, bit by bit day by day. that I eventually managed to go oneday without anything...........I felt Horrible......Suicidal....But I kept going......... day after day.
I never acted out the way I felt..........I could have killed someone or myself with the anger that was erupting from withen.
The Suicidal thoughts lasted about 6 months......I had to hide all sharp objects from myself,especially a big bread knife.I was terrified of hurting someone,especially my little daughter.
I never acted out....not even once.........I loved my two Girls so much........... they never caused any of what was wrong with me.
I used to go to a group of AAs in the vilage we lived in.........I owe them so much.they listened and listened to my cries for help.
Lots of changes have happened sense those days......
I am still living with that Beautiful woman i met in the Hospital that Faithful day.
That beautiful little baby is now 27years old,living with a partner........Decent good Man.
I have a 22 year old Son... I get on great with,We played games every moment we could, boys games,football, Cars,Trains,Tractors,Play station,etc he loves me and Me him.
To put Icing on my life I have the most Beautiful 13 year old you could ever meet.
She will walk down our Main Street,arm in arm with me.
It will be Tough to let her go when the time comes.
But who said that anything belongs to me.......everything is a tempory gift. M>C>
Thanks GOD....Love Mic?al.
But you'll know what I mean
I may be talking to myself as far as Prespription Drugs are concerned here ,but you'd never know.....Alcohol was my Main Drug until I found Tranqualisers .
I then used both cleverly...been careful never to Over dose.
I will now Share the Devestating results of been left on them for so long.
My first interduction was way back when I was very young......you see my mother and others seemed to think I was annemick....short of blood.....or that there was something unknowen wrong with me .The reason was that I used to get Fainting spells quite often as a Child.This worried my Mother and she Brought me to doctors.............they prescribed me some Tablets to help with this condition.They helped for awhile.........but I did not become addicted then.I was about 8 or 9 at the time.
I used to do alot of traveling in cars as a child.........doing Irish Dancing.On these trips I used to get Weak,Car Sickness used to be a big Problem and an Embarrisment to me regurally.Mam got me Sea Legs tablets for travelling,which helped.
It was much later..........around 24 years of age that I started Drinking,i could drink normally for a few years...........then something happened...i crossed an invisable line and from then on I gradually needed it every day.
One mourning I was very sick,after a HARD NIGHTS Drinking............ I was sitting on the couch in our Kitchen,sweating,shaking,and did not know what was happening.
My Mother was very worried.........she said take one of these they might settle you.She gave me a small yellow tablet.....I later discovered it was valium.
This little tablet relaxed me and I felt pretty good in a short time.
Many times I was feeling gittery after drinking and I would ask mam for one of her Tablets and she would give me one.
It came to the time then that I was at My Doctor on mourning ,trying to get a sick certificate for work,and I told the DR that I needed something for my depression......anxiety etc.He prescribed me some Tranqualisers.....librium.
To make a long story short.............From then on I was Hooked.
I needed them....and progressed to stronger ones as the years moved on.
I used to use them to help with my withdrawels from booze.
I seen several Phychitrists.......... over the years,they were trying to help me get better.It never happened,they could never figure out what was wrong with me...........I was at this time always in denial,i did not know what was wrong.
I had been a very sick individual for many years and I did not know it......and could do nothing about it..........Sad
Looking back I was Paranoid.........thought I could read other peoples minds.......thought I was the Second Coming of Christ,that I could cause Miracles........Lots of crazy goings on.
I would lie and cheat to doctors to get my Fix.....I progressed to writing my own Doctors Prescriptions when I could not get enough Tranx.
I was a Junkie.........Big time.
My Final Drug was ATIVAN....These were wonder drugs,Fast acting,they suited me down to the Ground.They never made me High or anything just made me feel...or not feel Normal...ie >Took away my fears.
After many years on them...my Dose had become so large that I needed to Attend 2 or More Drs to Fill my Habit.
Really what they did was bury my Fears Deeper inside my Soul
I was never a bad person............never violent.. ....a quite sick soul.
I was also an Expert on Prescription drugs............a tablet for every ailment........ that was me.Tranqualiserss to Go out,drive,talk,just be Normal........as I could be...... Tranx to work even to go to AA Meetings and to go to Sleep.
I was in rehab 13 Times...the longest time was 6 weeks,it cost me ?2,000 in 1972.....it took 2 years to pay it off.The Funny think is now looking back I drank 5 minutes after leaving rehab and me on AntiBooze,I was very lucky I did not Die ..I thought in my mind nothing could kill me.. I needed my fix so much.
I also left Re Hab with prescriptions for More Anti Depressiiants and Tranx in my pocket.
I had Picked up names of new Tablets I could Use, while I was In rehab.
I was never going to face the demons/Pain...... I had faced in that rehab again if I could help it.
Anyway that continued for 25 years..........drinking and druging.
Then on one of my visits to rehab.........one of the Patients that I had become friendly with told me there was a young girl I shoud have a chat with that was in another part of the Hospital.
I was .....one for always trying to help people...as we ACs do.
So I told my friend Id see her and try and cheer her up.
When I met this Girl.....she was a beautiful woman ,but she seemed very depressed.
How could someone so beautiful be so depressed.
We became friends..........
After she left Hospital we kept in touch..........
we would meet every couple of weeks.as she worked in another part of the Country.
Eventually......I got the courage to leave my family of Origin as my father Retired and I could never stick been around him at home.......24/7..... He always gave me a Hard Time.............I had a terrible Anger towards him at the time. ...Ithink I have Delt with most of that Anger.
I went to live with my Girl Friend in the Big City.
We eventually had a child......... A beautiful baby Girl.
We were not married ,so that was a "no no in my Country "at the time.
Pregnant woman were shunned at Home and by Society at Large.
To make along story short again..we kept the baby....set up house,well away from Home of origin.......... and created a little Family.
I was still addicted to Prescription Drugs,it was part of my life.
The Depression and anxiety i Was suffering was not getting any easier for me to live with.
No matter what Tablets I got, they were doing me no Good.
I said to my New Dr that I needed something Stronger.so he made an appointment with a Neurolligist to see if he could figure what to give me for my NERVES as my own Doctor could not figure what i needed.
He done out a new prescription............ for the same tablets that I was already on,and they were not working any more.
What am I going to do.......I need them...but there no use to me anymore.
Imagine not a Tranqualiser in the World could Relax me.
Now what am I going to do...............Im F%%ed.
I went back to my original Dr..told him the story..........
He said you need to get off the Tablets all together..........they are now causing the Pain and Palpations............that they originally stopped.
It took over 1 year cutting down, bit by bit day by day. that I eventually managed to go oneday without anything...........I felt Horrible......Suicidal....But I kept going......... day after day.
I never acted out the way I felt..........I could have killed someone or myself with the anger that was erupting from withen.
The Suicidal thoughts lasted about 6 months......I had to hide all sharp objects from myself,especially a big bread knife.I was terrified of hurting someone,especially my little daughter.
I never acted out....not even once.........I loved my two Girls so much........... they never caused any of what was wrong with me.
I used to go to a group of AAs in the vilage we lived in.........I owe them so much.they listened and listened to my cries for help.
Lots of changes have happened sense those days......
I am still living with that Beautiful woman i met in the Hospital that Faithful day.
That beautiful little baby is now 27years old,living with a partner........Decent good Man.
I have a 22 year old Son... I get on great with,We played games every moment we could, boys games,football, Cars,Trains,Tractors,Play station,etc he loves me and Me him.
To put Icing on my life I have the most Beautiful 13 year old you could ever meet.
She will walk down our Main Street,arm in arm with me.
It will be Tough to let her go when the time comes.
But who said that anything belongs to me.......everything is a tempory gift. M>C>
Thanks GOD....Love Mic?al.
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