As promised: my story

[Chief Bromden]

I believe in paying forward, so I hope by sharing my journey, other people may benefit, just like I already benefited from this forum.

I'll first copy my introduction post:

I am going into rehab in a few weeks to sort out my alcohol related problems.

I have been reading this site for days, and also finished reading "The End of My Addiction" (and related studies).

Self employed, suffering from severe anxiety and hyperventilation, I fell into the trap of self medicating with alcohol. Never really interested in it until about 10 years ago. From then on it gradually became a problem.

I told my spouse 4 years ago that I was an alcoholic, and she said "nah, you are just drinking too much". Of course, once the alcohol was managing me instead of the other way round, it became clear I really had a problem.

I got into trouble with neuralgic pains (vit B12 etc. deficiency) so decided that I should stop.

I did a 42 day AF stint earlier this year without consulting anyone (not clever, I learned), felt so much better, but fell off the wagon after the pains came back and some more financial trouble. The detox was pretty easy (coming from 1 bottle of scotch to 0 on day 1), and took about 5 days. Blood tests after 40 days were near perfect for my age.

Of course, I wanted to try again. But this time, I got the most horrific anxiety attacks, wild dreams, you name it. I gave up after 14 days.

So, bull by the horns, and asked for serious treatment this time. Will start with inpatient rehab, and am considering Baclofen a "second option" if that fails. But I want to give it all I can first.

Today, I went to my GP to discuss/arrange the rehab. I'm visiting the facility next Sunday, to see what's what, rules, what to bring. To get a general feel.

Then it's either 7 days or 14 days later before I can be admitted.

I have the luxury of living in a country where social security is - on the whole - pretty great, so cost is not a problem. I have read how expensive these facilities can be in some countries, and feel utterly privileged.

We had a long talk about motivation, about having been able to do a 42 day AF stint on my own, about her experience with patients (anonymous obviously).

She's very confident that I will do great. And for the third time in a row since we brought up the rehab, she refused me paying for the 40 minute visit...

To top it off, I mentioned baclofen in passing and... she knows all about it and has already treated one patient with it. She knew of Ameisen's book, and has total trust that it is a valid option. Her patient failed, mainly because the side effect of feeling too sleepy.

I am absolutely amazed that she knew about it (I dreaded to bring it up). She wasn't sure, but the rehab facility I'm going to may already be using it as one of their tools.

I felt such a weight falling from my shoulders... If rehab fails - and I intend to give it my 101%, then she would have no problem going the baclofen road.

I feel very lucky.

I also have a very supporting wife, who is extremely glad that I'm taking all these steps.

A bit more about me: I'm a male about to turn 50. My dad died when I was very young, at the age of 55. Cause: alcohol. It may be the reason why, by the time that I was 30, I practically never drank. It just didn't appeal to me. You'd find me with a coke at uni parties.

But, although nobody would have ever noticed in my life, I suffer from severe anxiety, and from being found out a total fake.

People tell me I am very talented, and I always think they are bullshitting me. I'm also a musician/songwriter. Again, many people are in awe, and I think I'm a hack. Please don't see this as bragging: trust me, I'm my own worst critic. I'm not an iota better than any of you.

I don't like the taste of alcohol.

I also grind my teeth a lot, up to the point that my jaws hurt like crazy.

So reading Olivier Ameisen's book made me go "eh, what the heck?!!!!"

There are differences: I never get really "drunk", I never black out. I never drive while drunk, or end up in the ER. I am mostly a happy drinker. Dysphoria turns into euphoria most of the time.

But lately the toll on my health (and my job) has become a big big problem. I am going to die if I continue this way. The hangovers (I refuse to drink before 4 PM when I feed our dogs) are becoming a nightmare. I don't vomit, but feel like I have to for most of the day, until... the next drink.

It goes so gradually... I'm sure many of you will know the feeling. What a trap.

Sooo... to keep this from turning into a novel, I look forward to rehab, and am incredibly relieved that my GP knows about baclofen.

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Hi Chief
Good to see you have started your "my story" all about your rehab. I don't remember anyone doing a rehab journal specifically so, as I said on the other thread, I think it would be great for you and many other people as a lot of people ( myself included) are pretty in the dark as to what rehab involves..

Good luck and keep us up to date with your story / experiences. I look forward to the next instalment. Given that you have already done 42 days on your own I am sure it will be a successful experience.

Look forward to reading about your journey.
All the best
Sausage ( day 90)

[Almostfamous]

As promised: my story

Chief,

Thanks for taking the time to share your story. Wishing you a successful and positive experience in rehab. Good for you for doing what it takes to get healthy.

Af

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Thanks folks. :thanks: I'll try to make it as interesting and honest as possible.

Without torturing myself, (I'm still pre-rehab), but I'm sucking up as much information about AL as I can.

I saw someone mention Alan Carr's book, so that's what I'm reading at the moment. (halfway through it, pretty interesting)

I'm also questioning my motives, excuses, and "reasons" that I have been using over the past 10 years. Let's say I'm having a serious talk with myself these days.

For example: being glad that I have a baclofen "Plan B" might be a cop out to not try rehab in a serious way. The traps we set for ourselves! :H

Sausage, I've been thinking about the "42 day" thing a lot. After four days of agony, I started to feel so much better (gradually). Less pain, nausea gone, enjoying good food again, saving money, coping better with stress, going to the loo like a normal person (TMI?) ...

The shaking went away, and even my tinnitus became a lot less worse (how on earth that worked is a mystery to be honest - most experts will tell you that it's for life)

How can a semi-intelligent person throw all that away again? Well, because something bad happened, causing a massive panic attack, and my brain was still wired to go "OK, I need a drink NOW". Mind you, I did think quite a bit about alcohol, but not with what I would call a "craving" on most days.

In short: I'm pretty sure I can quit, but I'm also sure I need to treat my anxiety in some way, or I'll fail again. I don't think that the relation I see in my mind between that and the alcohol abuse is a delusion. (in my case)

My GP told me repeatedly that I should not see those 42 days as a "failure". I have mulled over that quite a bit, and I can now see what she is saying.

To give as much relevant information as possible, I'm also a heavy smoker. I am seriously thinking about quitting that addiction too, but maybe not at the same time. One step at a time...

I'll stop this little installment here, but I want to add that the last thing I'd want to do is to demotivate other folks here, whether I succeed or fail. So please do jump on me when I'm out of line, 'key?

And: how are you feeling after 90 days? (I know we are all different).

[one2many]

As promised: my story

I missed this first time round, very nice to meet you Chief!

I look forward to hearing more from you and yes, you CAN quit, there are so many success stories here.

Keep reading and posting and read The Toolbox thread, it has lots of good info there x

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...x-5-27556.html

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Hi Chief

Don't torture yourself over the 42 day thing. I did a lot more than that and threw it all away nearly 3 years ago. As your GP says, view it positively, it can be done you have proved that to yourself. Most people need to prove to themselves that they can't moderate after a significant period AF and you've already proved that to yourself. It's far better to do that then than find it happens to you after you'd finished in rehab, that would have been very demoralising and a waste of rehab.

Glad you like the Allen Carr book. I like the Jason Vale book Kick the drink also, it is written in a similar style but slightly different. Regarding your anxiety an excellent book which I can't praise highly enough is How To Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. It is one of the best books I have ever read.

As far as how I felt at the different stages, rather than type loads out here again, take a look at My Story. here I've tried to explain my thoughts and how I feel at each stage. I've updated it recently every 30 days. Just passed day 60 something amazing happened regarding turning my thought processes round, stopping worrying about things I can't change, seeing things from a a half full rather than half empty glass perspective. So this could easily happen to you if you stick at it.

I suggest in preparation you buy yourself a thick note book and start already noting down things that motivate you, how you felt (improvements) when you quit, what you hate about drinking, inspirational quotes and posts you read on here etc.

As far as the quitting smoking at the same time is concerned, I'm not really qualified to comment here having never been a smoker but I imagine it would be quite difficult. However what I do feel is that the overall quitting AL and improving your life is a real lifestyle choice thing, choosing a healthier life, seeing yourself as what you have gained from an AF life rather than feeling deprived. People who don't see it this way are really white knuckling it. You may find as your lifestyle and health improves and you feel better you will naturally reduce your cigarettes because this doesn't fit with your new life and eventually you will find the strength to quit these too when you realise there is no place for them in your new healthy life.

Good luck and continue to keep us posted on your progress, and let us know what you think of the facility on Sunday, when you do your visit, what it's like and what you learned etc.

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

one2many;1322799 wrote: I missed this first time round, very nice to meet you Chief!

Thanks O2M. Good thing I'm not a sex addict after seeing your avatar (JUST KIDDING! ), I have read the first 4 pages of the Toolbox thread, and will continue to do so. Thanks much for the tip. This is a vast forum, and I'm still feeling my way around.

SAUSAGE;1322825 wrote:

you've already proved that to yourself.

Yeah, that was a bit of a wake-up call too... To each their own, but for ME, I have completely given up on the thought of "moderation". As an aside: I stopped smoking for 3 months 2 years ago too. Then had a panic attack. The doc on call told me it was because of the nicotine, and advised me to lit up again. I am not making this up.

Glad you like the Allen Carr book. I like the Jason Vale book Kick the drink also, it is written in a similar style but slightly different. Regarding your anxiety an excellent book which I can't praise highly enough is How To Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. It is one of the best books I have ever read.

Well, without wanting to approve a commercial thingy, my Kindle will be my friend, and I intend to get both books and take them/it with me.

As far as how I felt at the different stages, rather than type loads out here again, take a look at My Story.

Will do. I did realize I was being a bit lazy when I posted that, sorry ...

I suggest in preparation you buy yourself a thick note book and start already noting down things that motivate you

Will do just that. That said, despite the AL abuse, my memory is still pretty functional (and my handwriting terrible!).

I may do the report after I'm back. I am very active on the interwebs, but as part of "breaking my habits", I might not check in while I'm there. I already know they have a place with free internet, but I think I might get too disctracted. I might just jot down some keywords on paper.

You may find as your lifestyle and health improves and you feel better you will naturally reduce your cigarettes because this doesn't fit with your new life and eventually you will find the strength to quit these too when you realise there is no place for them in your new healthy life.

Yes, and that's exactly what made me think "mhhhm, maybe I should seriously look into that part too". Same type of rather unhealthy and expensive habit...

let us know what you think of the facility on Sunday, when you do your visit, what it's like and what you learned etc.

Will certainly do that. I'm pretty curious myself. I've seen the pictures, read their brochures,and it looks absolutely inviting. But for obvious reasons of privacy, I won't post those here.

One last thing: as I have mentioned, normally, it takes at least 3 months here before you are admitted, sometimes up to 6 months. And even that depends on the "intake conversation", after which they might refuse you. For reasons of luck, hard work from my GP, AND because I'm the one who asked to be admitted, I will be able to skip the intake talk - where they mainly try to look at motivation...

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Some "real world" information about the rehab facility.

We've just had a tour of the place, and I am over the moon.

These people are:

a) extremely friendly
b) very professional at the same time

The facility is:

a) luxurious
b) beautiful

We spent about an hour there looking around, getting a feel of how it will go, ask any questions we wanted.

Everything is there to make it as painless as possible: nice rooms, a pool table, table tennis, inner garden, a forest surrounding the place. Just stunning.

The first 2 weeks are about detox mainly, and making that as gentle as possible. No need to bring my own medication. There are a few group sessions, but mainly individual therapy, with a full program of psychiatrists, doctors, a social service, etc...

Our dogs can come visit me (my wife as well ) and we can walk around in the park/forest.

Then, depending on how they get to know you and how you do, there's an 8 week stint that has more of a "group" thing (you have to/can cook your own food, go to the store), but again, with a total individual program, focusing on how to cope in the real world again, how to get your work back in order,... the works.

Bringing my guitar was no problem.

Even after that, you can go to the day clinic, or visit the therapists, use the social service.

It may sound weird, but I'm now really looking forward to it. For the first time in 5 years, I have the feeling I can crawl out of the deep pit I'm in. Not just the alcohol, but the business/finance/red tape related problems. Starting time will most probably be in 14 days.

It is going to cost me the full ... 8 EUR a day... (which is cheaper than drinking, ahem), and that's because I prefer a private room.

It's going to be much harder for my wife, but they have a program/counseling for her as well if she should feel like it.

Yours stunned.

PS: they strongly advised against trying to quit on my own before being admitted.

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Wow Chief

It sounds great! Wouldn't mind a spell there myself , although I guess they wouldn't take you I'd you'd already got a few AF weeks under your belt first!!

Am I right in assuming you will be resident there 10 weeks in total probably? The initial 2/52 and then the adjustment 8/52 period?

I relies you probably want to be an anonymous as possible but are you prepared to say what European country this is in? I will understand if you don't.

Will you get access to the Internet whilst there?

It sounds really nice and great that your wife can visit, even the dogs etc and you can bring your guitar!

I think they are absolutely right in advising you not to try and quit alone first, but I do think it would be a good idea to make a notebook of motivational stuff / quotes etc to take with you as I suggested yesterday and read as widely as possible first.. Also try and read the How to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie book before you go. You sound really motivated so this is positive stuff you could do to fill in the next couple of weeks. Don't think the Dale Carnegie book is available on Kindle but in some way a physical dead tree book is better with this kind of thing as its easier to underline / highlight important useful bits and flick through better later. Can't remember if I've mentioned it on here but Kick the Drink Easily by JasonVale (you can get it on Kindle - I have) is another very good book to read too for when you actually are ready to quit, not before as it tells you to stop at the end, so don't read it until you are safely at the facility and on the program as it probably won't "work" if you drink after finishing it,

Keep updating us on how things are going.

All the best

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

SAUSAGE;1323741 wrote:
It sounds great! Wouldn't mind a spell there myself , although I guess they wouldn't take you I'd you'd already got a few AF weeks under your belt first!!

I know what you mean. Alcohol being one problem, sorting out social security/taxes/VAT/accountant etc. was (until this morning) another bottomless pit that nobody seemed to be able to help with - being self-employed. They assured me they can. (and will...)

Am I right in assuming you will be resident there 10 weeks in total probably? The initial 2/52 and then the adjustment 8/52 period?
That is entirely correct. Longer than I expected, but I'm cool with it. They seem to know what they are doing. My wife took it a bit harder, as she actually likes having me around heheh.

Will you get access to the Internet whilst there?
Not in the room, but there is an internet caf?. Still, as I really want to get out of my routine (being admin on some sites, banning people, feeling bad about it, policies, take a sip...) I will try to avoid it - at least in the first few weeks.

It sounds really nice and great that your wife can visit, even the dogs etc and you can bring your guitar!

Indeed. Doesn't really sound like a "prison" does it?

They want you to stay on the premises the first 2 weeks, but after that you are co-responsible for shopping for food etc. for your group.

Also try and read the How to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie book before you go. You sound really motivated so this is positive stuff you could do to fill in the next couple of weeks. Don't think the Dale Carnegie book is available on Kindle but in some way a physical dead tree book is better with this kind of thing as its easier to underline / highlight

I'm on page 40 on my Kindle and realized that in this case it would INDEED be better to have it on paper. :H So your advice is spot on.

Can't remember if I've mentioned it on here but Kick the Drink Easily by JasonVale (you can get it on Kindle - I have)

It's waiting on mine LOL!

I think being informed is very important, no matter in what way you get off the stuff. Alan Carr's book made a massive impact on me, despite being a skeptic of these kinds of books.

One more thing: the population is a mix of highly educated people, working people, right "down" to people who lost everything and can't even really afford a doctor.

So it is not a "posh" facility: everyone's equal there, and the more help you need, the more you will get. I find that extremely important and heart-warming. :l

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

And... my story will end here.

I will not go there.

In case you are interested, I read the small print today.

Going into rehab (over here) means you are automatically banned from driving for 6 months after you get out sober...

I had to read it 5 times.

I don't think I've ever been this angry in my life.

It was in the small print.

I will detox on my own, and I'm going to force my GP to visit me every day in the first 10 days.

I have NEVER driven intoxicated. I have never even had a fender bender, let alone an accident. In fact, I have driven many tracks around this world.

My last speeding ticket was for doing 55 in a 50 zone (kilometers) in Germany. At night. With a 320 BHP car. That was 2001.

Don't let that scare you. It's just me. But I just can not believe that this is the law in the country I live in.

I could go out tonight, drunk, do a few donuts, come home, no worries. When caught, I might get 14 days.

But.

As soon as I would enlist in rehab, I will automatically lose my driver license for 6 months.

You really have no idea how mad this makes me feel.

I will do it on my own.

[LibraryGirl]

As promised: my story

That's horrible Chief!! I was reading your story with much interest, and you are very articulate by the way. It is extremely discouraging to find something like that out, I'm sure! I believe it should be treated like any drug...obviously some prescriptions say, do not try to operate machinery or a vehicle while taking this medication, etc. And, would you also be banned from driving after going to rehab for addiction to depressants, like oxycontin or valuim, etc.?

Really sorry this didn't work out for you, as it sounded so promising. Don't stop with your plan to quit though. You can do it on your own, as you have already proven. It will be harder, but not impossible, not by a long shot. I will still be looking forward to hearing "your story", so please keep posting and stay close!:l

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Thanks LG.

I had a terrible night and most of the day thinking about this.

We finally contacted the facility to ask what exactly the law says. A very long conversation and story short: they put it there as a legal disclaimer to cover THEIR asses.

It is an archaic law that nobody knows. (and is INCREDIBLY STUPID!)*

I can not tell you more - as that would give away my location, and I'm now getting a bit paranoid - but even people who THINK they have a problem with addiction are supposed to voluntarily hand in their drivers license to the police - even if they have never done anything wrong.

I am reassured now - and there might be some editing in their brochure shortly (ahem) - and I will go in as planned.

What a roller coaster this is.

* sorry for the shouting.

PS: it is important to know that there is absolute medical confidentiality, and no information is fed to authorities. I stress this, because I do not want to scare other people who might consider rehab. The wording in their brochure seemed to indicate otherwise though...

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

LibraryGirl;1329838 wrote: And, would you also be banned from driving after going to rehab for addiction to depressants, like oxycontin or valuim, etc.?

Sorry, missed this. Technically: yes. (can you believe it?)

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Hi Chief

Wow what a roller coaster journey you are on!

Only just caught up on your updates. Been away for 5 days and since I've been back I've been caught up in a few difficulties of my own ( however I'm still sober - on day 106).

When I read your first post about the small print, I was so upset for you and couldn't believe it either. I know nothing about the laws wherever you live, and I'm not a lawyer anyway, but I just couldn't see how this could be possible legally, human rights and all that - how can they ban you when you have committed no crime? All you would have done is make yourself healthier? I was also upset that we wouldn't be hearing more about the rehab and how it works as it sounded like a fantastic place.

I'm so pleased to learn that all these issues have now been resolved and you are now going in as planned. Do you know when that will be? I am really looking forward to hearing how it goes.

Wishing you all the best.