As promised: my story

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Thanks S.

I have to thank my wife and GP for getting this straight. I was truly horrified.

I heard 4 hours ago I will be going in next Thursday. Not in a single room (for that I would have to wait a another couple of weeks), but so what. I had the choice, and decided against it. A double room it will be to start with.

Day 106 sounds you should be feeling really happy that you have escaped the "pitcher plant". Coz' you did. :l

Whatever they tell me there, I will be happy to never have to suffer as much as this again. Carr has it right.

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

A short update. Three weeks in rehab now, and feeling truly wonderful. Detoxing from alcohol was relatively painless, detoxing from Xanax was a lot tougher. (I'm sure this comes as no surprise).

I'm taking notes like a madman, and decided to actually write a book about my experience. In a way, the book is writing itself.

Getting high on feeling healthy at the moment, sleeping like a baby, slowly getting back into sports.

I know that feeling will subside eventually (say, in 6 months?) which is something I am preparing myself for.

Will update from time to time, but - and YMMV - going there is one of the best decisions I ever took. I know it's early, and you should remain skeptical - I get that. Not everything smells of roses - it is a bit of a roller coaster - but overall my experiences are incredibly positive.

Talk soon!

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Chief, that's great, I was wondering how you were getting on. I think the writing it down idea is brilliant, partly to aid your recovery and partly to help others as little is known about how rehab works from people in the outside world.

I'm on day 129 today, just off on 12 days holiday but I hope to have a Wi Fi connection and check in from time to time.

Look forward to hearing updates when you have time.

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

I've been dragging my feet a little - well, a lot - on this one.

Hard to explain why, but rehab has been a massive experience for me, with a plethora of new insights, ideas, thoughts, feelings...

In total, I spent 9 weeks there. But wait, first, a disclaimer...

I suppose it's implicitly understood by all, but I'll state it again just to be clear: please don't take anything I write as "this is how it should be done". I am not qualified, and what works for one person will or might not for another.

I could jump to the outcome, and say that today is my 140th day without alcohol, but that would be a lie.

See... a couple of weeks after leaving the place, I wanted to get some unfinished business out of the way... mind you, it won't make sense to you - heck, it even doesn't really make sense to me - but, long story short, I spent one night doing the one thing we had been talking about for almost 70 days...

One of the things we learned is that IF you ever have a weak moment and have a drink again, be it one, or a whole bottle, you should NOT see this as a total failure. Needless to say, if you can avoid it, the better. But, given their experience with addicted persons for a couple of decades, they just know it might happen.

They advise you to dust off, have a good honest think on what/why, and move on. They even teach you how our brain is using that moment of weakness to have all kinds of false thinking (like "see, I'm not cut out for this" and "I'll never be able to keep it up", "I hate myself, I might as well continue drinking" etc.).

Which is exactly what I did. Move on, I mean. The next day I continued to live without alcohol.

When they first talked about this - "they" being the psychologists - it didn't make sense. "What? We are here to quit for ever, and you are preparing us for when it goes wrong? That does make NO sense!". In a way, it angered quite a few of us. It made us feel very uneasy. Then, after a while, most of us "got it".

Anyway.

I can't tell you what exactly worked for me. There is so much information coming at you, it's hard to keep track. I only know that I'm getting the hang of this "not drinking". But, at the same time, I'm not out of the woods. Too many real life stories of people who had quit successfully, only to relapse after 6 months or longer.

I have met all kinds of people from all walks of life, with all kinds of problems. It has baffled me, it has humbled me. If only for that, I am very happy to have been there.

The first 10 days, you are "locked" onto the premise. They want you to stay in a safe environment, where they can monitor you both mentally and physically. Now, "locked" is a bit of a misnomer: the campus is not guarded, there are no gates, if you want to leave, feel free! The only thing is: you can't come back. They might put you on the waiting list again, but you'll have to start all over. It's not a game...

So yes, being motivated - positively or negatively - is a must. If you don't want to be there, they can't help you.

After 10 days, you are allowed to go out - or even go home - for a couple of hours during the week, or most of the day during the weekend. The first weekend, you have to come back in the evening and stay the night at rehab, the second weekend, you are allowed to sleep at home.

But: they ask you to make a plan for when you go out. They prepare you for the pitfalls. When you come back, you'll be tested, for alcohol, for other drugs...

In fact: as soon as you are under their care, you are not even allowed to take an aspirin without them knowing beforehand. Go home, take a painkiller for whatever reason, get caught: OK, back to 10 days without leave.

TBC.

[daisy45]

As promised: my story

Chief, how interesting! So glad you took the time to post this; you sound good.
I really get the thing about being prepared for what to do if you happen to slip and take a drink.
I suppose they know that the usual way would be just to continue so better to be prepared than go down that hole again.
Wishing you well and well done!

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Some of the staff were so-so. Most were very good. Some were just brilliant, and as close to angels a secular guy like me allows himself to think... All of them take their job seriously. They want to provide a safe environment to detox - from alcohol, tranquillizers, pot, heroine, opium, methadon (ugh, a story unto itself), weed (yes, weed...) or any combination thereof.

There are no separate sessions - did I mention the days are filled with group sessions? No? Well, they are. - for different kinds of addictions. Sure, there are discussions about perceived or real differences, but mostly, they treat addictions as a "universal" problem.

I'm not much of a group person myself - 3 is a crowd - but I wanted to make this work. I allowed myself to completely follow their directions. I wanted to give it a real shot. That is important: it's easy to see something you disagree with, and go "pah, this is not good, they don't know xyz."

Most of the day, you live with your group. The first 2 weeks, it's the detox group. Then you move on to a more advanced group, with less time spent on the actual detoxing, and more on where to go from there. If someone relapses (a real possibility, given that you are allowed to go home after a while), they don't get sent away. They are kept apart until they are sober, welcomed back into the group, and have to explain in group after a few days what went wrong. These discussions are hard. At the same time, nobody tries to be judgemental. Again, I would need pages and pages to give you an idea, but right now let me suffice to say these sessions were extremely helpful and enlightened us a great deal.

The first two weeks are hard. It's easy to say it's all voluntary, but for many people, it's not. Some are there as a last chance before their partners or family dumps them. Some are there on court order. Hardly voluntary, I'm sure you'll agree.

10 to 15 people from all walks of life, with all kinds of addictions, are put together in a group. Everyone is nervous and/or miserable. You are detoxing. Tensions rise. Not easy to keep all those boiling emotions under control, but the staff is extremely well trained.

To ease the pain of instant detox, and depending on where you are in your addiction, you are given a high dose of tranquillizer on the first day. This helps to sleep, and avoids seizures. Detoxing from alcohol is dangerous, and ideally should be monitored up close by a medical pro. Not trying to scare anyone, but really, if you can, make sure you have a safety net...

The next few days, they reduce the dose drastically, so that after about 5 days, you no longer get Tranxene (the tranquillizer they use, no endorsement etc...), to avoid getting addicted on that.

Three times a day they check blood pressure, heart rate. You get seen by a psychiatrist, psychologists, an MD, and social services if you need help with paper work, your job, etc. You are schedules for blood work, an EKG /EEG, and a CT scan of your liver. In short, you get a full medical checkup.

Rehab is part of a series of psychiatrical wards/buildings. Every person who is admitted first has to detox before they consider other options of treatment. Again, that makes perfect sense. You might have a depression, but as long as you are taking all kinds of substances, it's impossible to know whether your depression is the result of, say, alcohol abuse, or one of the causes.

When you're there as a newbie, this might be a bit scary. When you walk the campus, you might encounter someone who's letting out his imaginary dog. Or someone who starts to shout at you and foams at the mouth when you just say hello. Some wards are closed. Lots and lots of food for thought...

TBC.

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Thanks.

daisy45;1402875 wrote:
I suppose they know that the usual way would be just to continue so better to be prepared than go down that hole again.

That is exactly how it was. And for me personally, something that first sounded like blasphemy - having read "Kick the Drink Easily" etc. But they are just rational about it, and they "have the T-shirt".

I started with that bit because it was - in hindsight - one of the most important insights for me personally. And, judging by the reactions of other people in the group, not just for me.

Some people wondered out loud: "Wow, so I better relapse while I'm still here in this safe environment?!?" No, of course not, that is not how it works. If you can, just use everything we teach you (or you have learned yourself) to avoid such a "test". You might fail. Don't go there. But... "IF you happen to find yourself in that state, here's what you need to do."

Guess what... it worked. (for me)

I'm trying to keep my personal adventures out as much as possible, and focus on the information that I sucked up there, but I do realize it's almost impossible. (one of the reasons why I was dragging my feet BTW)

I'm going to stop writing for a while, as this is all still very emotionally charged. I've taken a glimpse on my notes for the first time today, and all kinds of emotions came back like a surge. A bit overwhelming.

Hmm, that sounds more dramatic than I want it to. It's not like the whole experience was an ordeal. Not at all. It just... cut very deep. There was no hiding your feelings. I was confronted with all the false reasoning and silly mistakes... Being "smart" or "motivated" was not going to cut it. I was forced to take a good look at myself, and didn't always like what I saw. Ho hum.

Of course, there was also humor, and hilarity. But that's for the next installment.

[SAUSAGE]

As promised: my story

Chief

So glad you are updating us, I was wondering how it had gone. Am finding all your instalments really interesting, as I'm sure many others are. Looking forward to the next one...

[playland]

As promised: my story

Just started reading your Story, good luck to you and I look forward to knowing how you are doing Everyone's story is really an inspiration, so thank you for sharing yours.

Play

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Ta.

Hey gang. Still here. Want to write something, but not too much, as I don't want to pressure myself (as that got me in trouble before...)

Still at it. Day 185 apparently. Days on end where I don't think about it, and then at times some serious craving, out of the blue. But, the good news is that it goes away *very* quickly (like... 5 minutes) by just getting up and doing something else. That of course works as a positive re-enforcement, so the next time I know how easy it is to shake it off.

Not there yet though. Too many stories of people who get into trouble at this point.

Not looking forward to the festivities, but then again I never did - I'm a miser, what can I say?

A small sample of the hilarity that was also part of the experience in rehab: at day 2, we had our motor skills tested. OK, in hindsight a bit silly, as we were all just coming off the alcohol, and had (give or take) about 50 mg of sedatives in our system.

The idea was to throw a tennis ball against the wall and then pick it up again. Oh man... although we were told not to laugh, we were all wetting ourselves after about 5 minutes. Some did OK, some could hardly hit the wall, some just stood and stared as the ball came back to them without any reaction to pick it up.

Standing (or trying to) on one leg was also a teensy bit harder than it sounds. Most of us just hit the ground...

As "funny" as it was, it also brought home that we were in very very bad shape. But fast forward 2 weeks, and most of us were doing sports again like nothing ever happened. The ping pong table at the facility was put to great use...

Personally, I was one of those who hit the ground standing on one leg (it hurt... and gave me a serious knee injury I'm still dealing with today...), but I also was simply stunned by how fast I picked up table tennis again - having done competition as a teen and then not done it for 35 years. Call it muscle memory or whatever, but it was amazing. Which of course was a great incentive to hold on and not touch alcohol again.

[ThreeDogNight]

As promised: my story

Great post. . . I am following all of your story. Thank you!

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Just checking in.

8 months sober. The holidays were more difficult than I would have imagined. OTOH, I knew I wasn't going to cave in/throw it all away. So we're still on course.

Yesterday I had to think back to the days before being admitted to rehab. There is a waiting list that can stretch from a few days to a few weeks. You had to call in every couple of days to see where you were on the list, so you could more or less "plan" a 70 day absence. (which is not easy)

The wildly varying waiting period didn't make sense to me before I got in, but did after I was there for a while. People relapse, people take drugs, people just leave, sometimes a few on the same day, opening one or more spaces. People start affairs - hey, it's a micro-cosmos - which is frowned upon as well... That, of course makes it impossible to predict when it'll be your turn.

That waiting period was dangerous - well, at least in my case. They advise against stopping on your own. Plus, you have the knowledge that "soon", you will be on your way to an alcohol free life. Soooooo...... Ahem. The combination of those made for me drinking a lot more than I had ever done before. "Yeah, not allowed to stop now, you see!". So much so that I can imagine people never making it there.

Ah, the addictive mind, always finding ways to drink more and find a good excuse for it. To compensate, I did stop 2 days before being admitted, because I wanted to experience the whole thing sober, and avoid the "holding tank" for people who are still under the influence. Also: pride. I think pride can be a good thing in all this.

That's it for now, onwards to month 9.

[Sunbeam]

As promised: my story

Great post, and congratulations on your hard work. There are too few longer stories on this site, thanks for taking the time to share yours.

[supermario]

As promised: my story

Hi Chief, I am new here.
Are you still sober?
Did you finish reading Allan Carr's book?
I feel cured after reading it. 9 weeks sober.

[Chief Bromden]

As promised: my story

Hey supermario: yes, still sober here, nine months today.

10 weeks is great, way to go.

I did read Carr (and Vale) and a few more books, and each had something to add to the road of getting sober. I don't go along with everything in there, but I think that's because we are all different and come from different angles.

I personally don't feel "cured" yet - although I think I understand what you mean.

I have done a lot of reading on addiction lately, and also watched the "Rain In My Heart" video linked to in the General section of this forum. I'm not struggling, but I am acutely aware that I still have to "protect my investment" so to speak.

Currently, I'm reading "Into Rehab" by Anne M. Fletcher. While - again - I certainly don't agree with some ideas in the book, I think it's interesting, and gives a lot of information about "rehab" for US citizens (whereas my story would - hopefully - make more sense in a European context).

I'm still planning of writing my own book, but I feel I need more distance still before I can make any real sense.
Thanks for the nice comments BTW, I do read and appreciate them. :thanks: