My struggles

[evie]

Hi there
I became a member a while back but have stopped coming here. I now am in a place that I can't do without alcohol every night and I seem to drink more and more. I feel like it is taking me over and its such a scary place to be. That is it in a nutshell- I find the power of alcohol very scary and I can't do without it.
I don't drink during the day (not that I'm trying to say how well I do). But it is becoming harder to resist it. I really feel like it is taking me over and I don;t know how to move forward anymore.
Sorry to be such a wet blanket
Emxx

[RingingCedars]

My struggles

Hi Em and welcome back. I had a quick scan over your past posts and see you tried Topa. How did that work and would it be worth another go? I, myself depend on resolve. Desiring to live healthy and be a pillar of strength--perhaps I put too much burden on me and that's part of the problem at times.

Anyways, why don't you come up into some daily threads to get and give support and stay connected?
If you haven't looked in the toolbox--it's a good place to go to. Again, glad you've come back--loads of support on the boards! xo

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[paula]

My struggles

Hi Em, welcome, I have been where you are so often. I know how you are feeling, Cedars is right try the toolbox and other threads. I used to drink just weekends, then evenings, then afternoons and it was only a matter of time before I started morning drinking. Well my sister died in april and then I felt I neede that morning drink on the day of her funeral, the drinking lasted all day, and that's when I thought this has to stop or it will be my funeral next. So I stopped out of fear, I have had a few slips but nothing major, and I feel as though a weight has been lifted from me.
I wish you well, because you can do it if you want to bad enough. The wind is howling and I am now going to bed sober. Good night and god bless.

[retteacher]

My struggles

Evie: You're not a wet blanket. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I went from social drinker to heavy drinker to alcoholic, & yes, I even drank during the day at the end. I joined AA, because that was the only thing that worked for me. I didn't want to, as I was a closet drinker, but I had to. After 3 years of sobriety, I am an active member of AA (it took a while) & have a support system that I could not do without. Mary

[Zenlife12]

My struggles

evie, totally get you, in the same place. I found this web site by accident but I'm so glad I did. It's really hard to try to explain being an alcolholic to anyone who isnt one. "Just dont drink then." So sick of hearing that one, and once I try to tell people I'm an alcoholic and then I do drink ,OMG everyone and their brothers a f***ing councelor. I find them very annoying. Anyway I ordered some antabuse, I drank this morning went to sleep and woke up to read more on this site. I am going to try my damndest to stay sober untill they get here. So for right now its really one hour at a time.. got six.

[Kradle123]

My struggles

evie;1331678 wrote: Hi there
I became a member a while back but have stopped coming here. I now am in a place that I can't do without alcohol every night and I seem to drink more and more. I feel like it is taking me over and its such a scary place to be. That is it in a nutshell- I find the power of alcohol very scary and I can't do without it.
I don't drink during the day (not that I'm trying to say how well I do). But it is becoming harder to resist it. I really feel like it is taking me over and I don't know how to move forward anymore.
Sorry to be such a wet blanket
Emxx

Hi Evie:

I wish I had responded to your post back on the 8th of June because I am in exactly the same boat. I joined as you can see in 2007 about 20 minutes I think after RJ created MWO :H Well maybe that's an exaggertion..
Still, I almost made it and then my husband made it clear that he was not going to make this easy in fact he was going into marraige by neglect because I was just a blankity blank, you know what... and my intense self loathing just took over big time and I went into WTF mode.
And I stayed there for another 5 fricken years.

Oddly enough, I don't think I found Al scary because I just didn't care about it, as well as not seeing it as a problem but a solution. I saw most of problems as purely Husband based not AL based. I said often that my life was good except for the husband.

Problem is the problem obviously wasn't just husband based. It was of course AL based but.. I met said Husband while I was drinking so chicken and egg question - now I have 2 problems and unfortunately his disregard is still alive and well.

But now I see That I have to deal with AL first. I HAVE to...I am Going to..
Wait. Let me say that Again:

I AM GOING TO DEAL WITH THE AL PROBLEM FIRST AND THE THE HUSBAND PROBLEM SECOND... Not the other way around.

I think I FINALLY got that in the right order

Sorry to get so emotional. But I have just bee having these strange revelations all over the place. Keeping myself in check though. Fear not.
But thank you Evie. Really. You have helped me realise something very important. I am 13 days AF (really almost 40 but I drank on 28 so I had to go back to Start )
You are not a Wet blanket. You are a great comfort and i am glad you are here :h

Hugs,
:l

[evie]

My struggles

Hi!
I am so glad of your responses. I seriously feel at a loss as far as drinking goes. I find my family so stressful- 4 children and a very busy husband- I feel like I am sinking.
Every time I try to decrease alcohol or cut out , I then realise how much stress I face and then fall back to you know what.
I think I'm realising that trying to cut down is not the answer- when I want a drink- I want a gut full- not just a half pint of lager!
I do go to one or two AA meetings but I still find it is a daily struggle and I feel such a crap person.
I was going to go on a counselling course but feel such a hypocrite as I am not coping well with my own life. I've decided to pull out. Today I just want my life to be over as its just a constant misery and there is no space for me.
I don't know what I can do- willpower for me doesn't work- I sometimes think the only thing will be if I just take off somewhere.

[SAUSAGE]

My struggles

Evie

You worry me, please check in again,

Please trust me when I say that if only you can break the cycle and kick the booze, many of your other problems will decrease and hopefully vanish. Like the self doubt, the anxiety, the stress of looking after your children. It will all get better if you can stop the drink - although you cannot see this now, the drink is causing most of these. It is a vicious circle, a downward spiral.

I was a daily drinker, I lost my confidence, I was stressed, I worried about everything, I felt like a useless mum, I got angry at the kids, I couldn't sleep, I had other health problems, I was struggling to cope as I brought up the kids alone a lot of the time with my husband in the forces. When he was home he drank around me, I had post natal depression, I had a hysterectomy which I found devastating.....read my story in the story section. However since I quit AL things are so much better - I'm now on day 144 AF.

Do you feel you need a clinical detox? Concentrate on kicking the booze - easier said than done, I know, but once you can do this then the other things will slip into place.

[geranium]

My struggles

Hi Evie
I read your postings and can really relate. I too struggle with my kids and husband. I am a daily drinker, wine usually, and I have found that I open the bottle earlier every day, and yes, sometimes I have drank in the mornings which makes me feel sick to the stomach to think about. I have always blamed my drinking on my homelife and convinced myself that If I didn’t have all this responsibltiy then I would be ok. Over the past 2 weeks my kids have been away with their grandparents , my husbands away and I have been at home by myself. I am nearly at the end of the 2 weeks, which started in a drunken daily mess and are ending in me being AF (only 3 days). I have come to realize thast it's not the perceived stress of my life that makes me drink, its me. My kids don’t say “hey mum, lets open a bottle of red “at 11 in the morning, I do, and that has really shaken me. I also overheard my 9 year old, nearly 10 tell my inlaws that “mummy really really likes wine........” There’s me thinking that they don’t notice the wine hidden in the coffee cup, or see me swigging it directly from the bottle (classy!).
I think that sausage is very right in saying that so much of the stress and the problems we feel and experience are made so much worse by alcohol, even though that's so very hard to admit.
You are NOT a crap person, raising a family is hard, very hard and its often invisible work that receives little credit from society in general. I am certain you are a fabulous mum.
I am giving up the booze for my girls, and because I am an alcoholic who needs to face reality. Also, I want to see my children grow up!
Take care
Geranium xx

[paula]

My struggles

Hi Evie , I do agree with all the previous comments, and feel quite concerned after reading your post. Do keep in touch. If you are feeling really down please contact someone. We are all here for you.