It was a year ago on this date that I took my last drink. I wasn’t planning on that. The night before– once again – I had too much to drink. I had put away a 12 pack of beer and started in on the wine and had really only just started to feel that buzz which was getting harder and harder to come by.
I felt so hopeless. So depressed. My life had become defined and controlled by the bottle. My depression was such that I began planning how to kill myself and make it look like an accident so I didn’t hurt my family with that additional pain. How did I end up this way?
I wasn’t like the hardcore drinkers I saw. Was I? I wasn’t missing work. Or getting arrested. Or driving drunk. Or making a public spectacle of myself. No, I wasn’t like them. They were alcoholics. I, on the other hand, was just someone who had let some bad habits creep in. Right? I just needed a little nudge to get back to ‘normal.’
It was a revelation to me to read about the biological basis for alcoholic drinking in Seven Weeks to Sobriety. I wasn’t a flawed and undisciplined person – I was just dealing with a chemical imbalance and well, there were ways to fix that. I could go for a few days, weeks and even months without drinking. Yup. All I needed was the nudge. See? I could have a beer or two. Or a glass of wine or two without going overboard. I could control my drinking. One or two nights a week.
The problem was....I was now drinking EVERY night of the week. And, it never took long for my ‘normal’ drinking to go back to excessive and ever escalating levels. Maybe it wasn’t all biological. Maybe I was flawed. You know, maybe there was such a thing as an “addictive personality.”
During my drunken phases, I would come to MWO and lurk and read. I had new hope again. There was a way to drink and not be out of control, I thought. I just needed a little more self-control. Or maybe some of that Topamax. Others were drinking ‘normally’ again. Right?
This last time, though, I just couldn’t seem to pull out of the drinking cycle. I couldn’t even get a Day One. I wasn't just drinking every day. I was now getting drunk every day. And I was starting to drink earlier whenever I could. I distinctly remember thinking that I was transitioning into that final stage of addiction. I knew if I went there, there most likely was no way back. That was it. I was going to die drinking. - I was going to die because of drinking. And...I pretty much didn't care any more. Dying would, at least, relieve me of the depression and pain in my dark, small world.
((Wow…this is getting a little long….I’ll continue later….))
I felt so hopeless. So depressed. My life had become defined and controlled by the bottle. My depression was such that I began planning how to kill myself and make it look like an accident so I didn’t hurt my family with that additional pain. How did I end up this way?
I wasn’t like the hardcore drinkers I saw. Was I? I wasn’t missing work. Or getting arrested. Or driving drunk. Or making a public spectacle of myself. No, I wasn’t like them. They were alcoholics. I, on the other hand, was just someone who had let some bad habits creep in. Right? I just needed a little nudge to get back to ‘normal.’
It was a revelation to me to read about the biological basis for alcoholic drinking in Seven Weeks to Sobriety. I wasn’t a flawed and undisciplined person – I was just dealing with a chemical imbalance and well, there were ways to fix that. I could go for a few days, weeks and even months without drinking. Yup. All I needed was the nudge. See? I could have a beer or two. Or a glass of wine or two without going overboard. I could control my drinking. One or two nights a week.
The problem was....I was now drinking EVERY night of the week. And, it never took long for my ‘normal’ drinking to go back to excessive and ever escalating levels. Maybe it wasn’t all biological. Maybe I was flawed. You know, maybe there was such a thing as an “addictive personality.”
During my drunken phases, I would come to MWO and lurk and read. I had new hope again. There was a way to drink and not be out of control, I thought. I just needed a little more self-control. Or maybe some of that Topamax. Others were drinking ‘normally’ again. Right?
This last time, though, I just couldn’t seem to pull out of the drinking cycle. I couldn’t even get a Day One. I wasn't just drinking every day. I was now getting drunk every day. And I was starting to drink earlier whenever I could. I distinctly remember thinking that I was transitioning into that final stage of addiction. I knew if I went there, there most likely was no way back. That was it. I was going to die drinking. - I was going to die because of drinking. And...I pretty much didn't care any more. Dying would, at least, relieve me of the depression and pain in my dark, small world.
((Wow…this is getting a little long….I’ll continue later….))
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