My New - TRUE - Normal

[SoberSoul]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Wow, this is exactly what I needed too. Thank you and congratulations on almost two years A/F and N/F. That is incredible.

We DO have it in us to quit, don't we? We just have to follow through and be hyper aware every moment of every day for the first little while. So glad MWO was there for you as it will be for me and everyone else here.

Thanks to whoever bumped this thread up. Very inspiring. In one year's time I hope to reveal my journey and if I manage to do it with your eloquence and grace, I will be one happy Canuck.

[free at last]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Dear Turnagain,
I will be away from the internet when your two year anniversary comes up. Your story is so inspirational -- you give me, and I am sure many of us, hope that if we have a plan--and stick with it-- we can beat this beast. Looking forward to reading your pearls of wisdom on two years AF.

[Neddy Merrill]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Dear Turnagain, I have read your account of how you have handled your dual addiction and I am overawed and so inspired by your experience. This is day two for me - there have been lots of day ones and quite a few day twos as well - but something feels a bit different this time. I sincerely hope that, in time, I can share my story so honestly and inspirationally as you have so far. You have been a real help to me today so thank you so much.

[NoSugar]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Bump.

I saw a post you wrote today Turnagain and it reminded me of this great thread.

Thanks again, NS

[j-vo]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Glad you bumped this thread. Turnagain, I'm sure your story has helped so many! Thank you for sharing!

[Turnagain]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Part V Taking Sobriety for a Spin...

It has now been 3 years and 35 days since my last drink. While that final Day One is an important date for me, the moment that truly transformed my life came unexpectedly just about two weeks later.

I was still feeling a bit shaky and rundown but I could already see and feel the improvements - the puffy, gray face was gone and my eyes looked brighter and had some sparkle. I felt the seed of self-confidence stirring again and the depression, brain fog, and anxiety that had clouded my days seemed to be lifting.

Yet, I also felt a familiar fear growing. I had been here before. More times then I could remember. I had ‘controlled’ my drinking many times in the past. That is to say - I had been able to stop drinking for some long stretches at a time. But as soon as I started drinking again, it never took long for me to go back to excessive, drunk drinking and the amounts and frequency just kept increasing.

Even with that knowledge, my mind started laying the groundwork to provide an opening to drink - “just one more time.” In a matter of a few days I would be facing the trifecta of perfectly acceptable opportunities for excessive drinking: my big birthday BBQ - a vacation and a destination wedding. How could I not drink?

I felt myself starting down the “I’m slipping” slope: Maybe I could drink for the events and then just start again? "Everyone" relapses. That’s what the recovery folks say. So it must be okay to have a slip and then start again. That’s just part of it.

On that day, a new thought also appeared. I realized I had tried everything EXCEPT the one thing that had always seemed like the total nuclear option to me:

complete and total abstinence now and FOREVER and EVER and EVER.


Could I actually push the button and do that? I mean, NEVER have a nice glass of wine again with dinner - EVER?! Even on vacation in Italy?! Even ‘just one’ on a special occasion?! No beer - not even after playing hockey?! Or before or after anything… anywhere without any exceptions? Whoa. What about having fun with friends? What about when I'm stressed? What about when I'm happy? And how would I ever be able to come up with creative ideas for work? Alcohol had become the ignition for my imagination- at least when I could remember all those seemingly clever thoughts that sparkled in the haze of the buzz then faded out of reach by the morning.

Then there was the social stigma. Going for full abstinence would also require me to ‘come out’ and be labeled an ‘alcoholic’! My self-esteem and self-respect were already scraping bottom. How could I possible deal with the loss of alcohol on top of the loss of more of my battered self-identity?

And then there was the negative perception I had of some of the sober people I knew. They had what appeared to be a fragile, ongoing, white-knuckle connection to sobriety and thought of themselves as damaged or diseased and so many were living in constant fear of relapse.

As a long-time lurker at MWO, I saw people surface briefly and disappear. I saw even more people struggle, then leave, then return, then struggle, then leave, then return…..for years and years and years.

So there I was - at the tail end of another thought smackdown feeling helpless and hopeless. Why bother? Nothing works.

But… wait...

I went to the MWO toolbox looking for anything to help. Amongst all the practical tips and inspirational ideas in those pages one phrase jumped out at me on this day. It went something like this:

So what if the statistics are against you? Make your recovery your own.

It was a precious sliver of light in what felt like a dark and futile future. It sparked hope and gave me just enough strength to realize I did NOT have to give back in to addiction. And that little spark led to another idea - I would spend some time really visualizing what my life would be like without drinking. It would be like taking abstinence for a test drive in my mind…

[roxane]

My New - TRUE - Normal

glad i managed to log in today, thank you and well done turnagain!!

[Eloise]

My New - TRUE - Normal

Yeah, this is really a nice way to present your journey Turnagain. I am at the beginning of all this and know it. Over three years sober. So. It cAn be done. Cool.