:wings:
Not the movie, the real thing! Just as I was considering writing a bit about my journey since I quit drinking, that title popped into my head. It actually begins to describe the amazing story that has been my life since I first found this website about a year ago. It may not seem amazing to other people, but to me it's no less amazing than having my entire life back! The difference between me this time a year ago, and me now, are greater than I ever imagined or even hoped. So I just wanted to come back and say a little something about how powerful overcoming the grip of alcohol has been for me. And how wonderful and supportive Roberta's program and this forum were for me in gaining a foothold on my new path (sounds like I'm doing a commercial or something!)
When I say I got my life back, I bet that just about everyone reading this knows what I'm talking about - because aside from all the more blatant effects of my drinking life, I also had that awful nagging voice that whispers or even yells at you everyday that says you're not living the life you should be, or were meant to be. THAT is what really made me want to control my drinking and THAT is what eventually led me to quit. I heard that voice get louder & louder the more stagnant my life became. And now that I have gained a little perspective, I see how very stagnant I was. They say that things that don't grow must be dead, and in many ways I was dead, or sleepwalking, just sleepwalking through life - an alcohol zombie. Ha ha! That's a funny image to me now, but that really describes the sad picture of me after 20 years of drinking.
It was such a small room I was living in. I guess the walls of life had really closed in on me - thinking booze was all I really needed to be happy at the end of the day, and not even wanting to think about the wealth of experiences I was missing out on. I knew there was much more to life than that, and only by subtracting alcohol from the picture was I finally able to take an active role in my own life. The passivity that alcohol had promoted was snowballing with no end in sight. I kept thinking about my potential - I was 42 last year - and I was beginning to feel like all of my potential was never going to be met. The creative gifts I knew I had were wasting away, and I felt like a CRIMINAL for that!
Years of drinking had manifested creative blocks, and many other blocks to my productivity, growth, and health. Over the years I had lost myself, and I knew I was lost. I knew that I was doing myself a great disservice and I desperately wanted out. I wanted my life back, but I don't think I put it into those words back then. I just became determined to honor the part of me that was crying out for her life, and disengage from the part of me that was crying out for drinks. I was so fortunate to have found help here. I used all the aspects of the program (except for the RX). I became fixated on my health & well being. I tried to stay focussed on what I DID want (health), rather than what I didn't want (to drink). And the things I focussed on expanded and grew, while the things I turned my back on receded more & more.
My drinking life now seems like a distant memory, not because I have forgotten, but because I have grown so much and come so far - internally, and spiritually most of all. There is fire in me again, and it ain't from liquor! I have reclaimed my passion for the things that I love. Nothing is boring anymore - I'm not afraid of life anymore. My mind is full of curiosity again, and I'm learning how to create the life I desire.
When I'm at parties or around people who are drinking I'm not really tempted to drink. I always think of this as a major clue to my success thus far; I ask myself why am I not tempted to drink? especially when everyone around me is? It's because I haven't been trying NOT to. It's because I've put my focus on the things that I want, not the things that I don't want. If I were to keep saying to myself "I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to drink..." over & over - then I probably would have a drink in my hand right now because I would have been inviting a drink by the very thinking that was resisting it, because those thoughts are still focussed on a drink - having it or not having it - they are all about the drink! Whereas, if I put my thoughts on a return to health, and wanting to get my waistline back, clean out my liver, have a good night sleep, live hangover-free, and all the other ways that I want to FEEL BETTER, then I have turned around - I have disengaged from thoughts of drinking almost by default while I'm focussing my thoughts on health.
I have to say here that I know it's not easy, I had many starts and stops, and I know how frustrating and impossible it can seem at times. But breaking through that barrier between my drinking life and my healthy life was only a difficult BEGINNING to the rest of my beautiful life! SO worth it! Doors have opened that I never even knew existed, because I am now open to them - willing to allow them in my life. I'm finally able to see the good in my life, instead of feeling empty & suicidal. And I am so grateful for every thing, person, and power, both inside & outside of me, that has allowed me to be where I am today.
Before I let you go, I just want to say one thing about regret. Don't do it. Regret will only pull you back into the madness, and make you feel negative feelings like guilt and self-hatred. When I find myself thinking about how much I regret the way I treated myself all those years, I stop and remind myself that everything is and was as it should be. I would not be where I am today, perhaps I never would have had a reason to wake up and live my life fully had I not been drinking all that time in the first place. Lots of people manage to sleepwalk through life WITHOUT the use of alcohol or drugs. So maybe it was a blessing in disguise, a way for life to bring in the new growth.
Sometimes I feel like we are somehow singled out for greater self knowledge, meaning we are put through this horrific experience so that we can break through to the other side. Without booze would we have the opportunity to take on the challenges that it brings to us? That we learn so much about ourselves from? Would I have such an appreciation for life if I hadn't been half dead?
Well now you know a little about the things I ponder in my new life. It all started here, and it's continuing into eternity. Not the eternity of misery that drinking made of my life, but the eternity that is my journey. I like it!
Well actually, I love it.
XO & All the best to you all! :h:wd: :h
Deirdre
[/COLOR]
Control the Mind
Comment