The Mirror

[Milly53]

Hello - Well, I have been lurking here off and on for a while and feel it is time to tell my story.I am a 59 yr old female with a good husband and adult daughter. I have been drinking since the age of 16. I am now drinking daily and prefer to drink alone. I think this is due to my shame and not wanting anyone to see me. I am uncomfortable going out, pretty much anywhere, but force myself to put on a confident face. I have now lost good friends and am feeling very lonely. My self esteem is gone as is any confidence I ever had. I have had too many days of feeling self-pity (an emotion I detest). I have been to AA in the past and think I should give it another try. I am so tired of myself at this point, I feel so much closer to quitting. I cannot look at myself in the mirror without disgust. This is not out of vanity, it is that looking myself in the eye has become unbearable. Thank you for allowing me to become a member of this group.

[NoraC]

The Mirror

Hi Milly - we sound so similar. Good for you for realizing that it is time to stop. :l I am 53 years old with a good husband and a 25 year old son. I was just like you in the drinking daily & alone. I am getting more & more AF time in now. I know that you can too!
I would suggest sticking close to here, read & post, read & post. Certainly give AA a try to see if that is a good tool for you. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
There are some great threads on this board. I would suggest finding a place that you feel comfortable and jump right in. I post a lot on 'One Step at a Time' on the General Discussion forum. Would love to have you join us there.
Good for you for realizing that you are ready to stop. :goodjob:

[FlyAway]

The Mirror

Hi Milly. I wanted to reach out to you and tell you what a brave thing you did by posting on MWO. There is such huge shame that comes with the label "alcoholic" that people deny, deny, deny they have a problem. I personally don't believe in the term "alcoholic" anymore than I believe that someone who was once addicted to cigarettes is a cigarette addict 20 years after quitting. The term itself is a stumbling block that stops people from seeking help or treatment until things get really out of hand. Alcohol is the only drug that people are ashamed to admit to NOT using. Clearly if you tell people that you don't drink you must have a problem! The backward thinking about alcohol addiction is insane!

I am a 47-year-old female who has been drinking steadily and heavily for 20 years. The last 12-15 years have been mostly blackout drunks nearly every night of the week. I began drinking and loving it because it made me talkative and outgoing and funny compared to my usual reserved manner, yet I ended up drinking at home alone practically every night and filled with self-loathing. Pretty much the exact opposite of why I started in the first place. I am now approaching 6 months alcohol free and I'm okay with being my old reserved self again. What was wrong with "me" in the first place?

The disgust and shame you feel now is/was universal to the users of this site. I can guarantee you that your most horrible alcohol related story will be met with understanding and lots of "I did that too" posts and then a few more posts that make you say WOW! DUIs, fistfights, jail time, cheating on spouses, etc. You will read it all here and you won't be met with judgment, just lots of understanding.

You will hear talk about making a "plan" here and using the Toolbox. A plan is made up of "tools" that will help you in your journey to sobriety. There are ways to make this easier. Willpower is not enough. The MWO book has a plan to follow. You can buy the MWO book at this site or at Amazon. I haven't read it personally. But it involves dietary supplements such as kudzu and L-glutamine which you can buy at a health food store, hypnosis CDs, prescription meds if you choose, meditation, exercise, etc. There are some helpful books too. I personally loved Jason Vale's Kick The Drink Easily. Others liked Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. Other books are mentioned in the book section of this site. The Toolbox is a stickied post at the top of the Monthly Abstinence section of the site. It is a post devoted to tools which other members found helpful in their journey. You need to decide what tools you are going to use. Usually a multi-tiered plan is best. Don't leave anything to chance.

Finally if you have a "witching hour" or a drinking place, a time or place that triggers drinking thoughts in you, you should try to change up your routine. If coming home from work is your trigger, then go to the gym or go for a walk or the library or just something different. If cooking dinner is your trigger then order takeout or have your spouse cook or do anything you can to avoid the trigger. Sometimes just sipping a nonalcoholic drink is enough to satisfy the craving. But you must be prepared.

If you have a craving know that it's just your mind talking to you and that it will pass. Think to the future and imagine waking up tomorrow morning with your heart racing and your body overheated and having cotton mouth. And you know you'll be filled with self-loathing. That temporary relief you'll get from drinking won't be worth it. Think in the long term, not the short.

[FlyAway]

The Mirror

Here's a link to the Toolbox: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[NoraC]

The Mirror

Fly - really great post.

[Milly53]

The Mirror

I began drinking and loving it because it made me talkative and outgoing and funny compared to my usual reserved manner, yet I ended up drinking at home alone practically every night and filled with self-loathing. Pretty much the exact opposite of why I started in the first place. I am now approaching 6 months alcohol free and I'm okay with being my old reserved self again. What was wrong with "me" in the first place?

Thanks Nora and Fly - The above has been copied because it really rings true for me. I have always been a shy, reserved, self conscous person who only became annoying when I drank, lol. Little did I know how I really behave when drinking.

The toolbox is wonderful, I have checked it out many times in the past as well as reading many of the recommended books. One, in particular was Guts, by Kristen Johnston, really disturbing but definitely points out the extreme danger of alcohol.

I really appreciate your support....it is almost 5 o`clock here and even though I am not feeling well, it is definitely my witching hour..I expect my husband home soon (he works out of town and the last time I saw him I was drunk when he arrived, I am suprised he is still supportive). I am cooking a nice dinner and will be able to greet him as `myself`.

[NoraC]

The Mirror

Millie - Great Job on being sober & greeting your husband. Think how wonderful you are going to feel in the morning.
PS - that paragraph describes me too.

[FreeFly]

The Mirror

Hi Milly,

Just wanted to say hello to you too and well done for posting. This site is literally saving my life.

Brilliant post Fly and the following quote is me to a tee (except I'm 46 with 2 precious weeks sober).

FlyAway;1360446 wrote:
I am a 47-year-old female who has been drinking steadily and heavily for 20 years. The last 12-15 years have been mostly blackout drunks nearly every night of the week. I began drinking and loving it because it made me talkative and outgoing and funny compared to my usual reserved manner, yet I ended up drinking at home alone practically every night and filled with self-loathing. Pretty much the exact opposite of why I started in the first place. I am now approaching 6 months alcohol free and I'm okay with being my old reserved self again. What was wrong with "me" in the first place?

I've had some false starts since being here (ok loads) but Milly with just two weeks under my belt I feel sooo much better. I'm no longer craving every night and beginning to wonder how I was ever possessed to such an extent (although I don't like saying that out loud because I'm still frightened the al voice will come back will full vengence). So I just wanted to say welcome and look forward to seeing you around the boards :l

[jenniech]

The Mirror

me too!! 48 and an introvert except when i drink....then i just talk alot and repeat myself over and over again....or so i am told. So that is why i prefer to drink alone....really pathetic. and with each event my family wants to do (go to movies, baseball game, whatever) I either don't go because i won't be able to drink or i figure out if I can drink and then begrudgingly go even though i would rather stay home so i can suck down a bottle of wine. I mean really,I am picking wine over my family??????
i am on day 2.....and i am excited about the journey ahead...I know it will be hard, but i really feel like i am ready!! Let's do it together!!!