At 26
I was living with my partner,
Into 3rd trimester pregnancy
with my 5 year old.
I was working 6 days a week as a waitress in July 2011.
And I had an underlying fear, that who I was living with was someone very unsafe, that I could not trust. I kept it inside and tried to find a way to make it a safe place.
I hoped I was wrong and watched. I hoped for a sign that I was wrong.
I saw an unhealthy addiction to porn and my fear grew.
I hoped I could gentle point him in the right direction,
knowing only he could make the changes.
Knowing that addiction is progressive,
Knowing deep down he crossed the line with me once.
Knowing if I was right, (I wished I wasn't)
That my partner had a porn addiction, was a rapist
And All paedophiles started somewhere.
Knowing I had no control over if he ever took that extra step.
Knowing we had a beautiful baby daughter.
He became physically abusive to my little boy
After 6 months of living together in Oct 2011 we seperated.
I reconcilled things in myself.
And moved on with my life with my two little children.
He visited his daughter at my house as I was exclusively breastfeeding and couldn't leave me.
I kept my fear and vulnerability in a box,
until I felt safe and strong enough to let it out.
I stood up and confronted him and his mother.
I explained he lost me and my little boy.
And if he didn't change he would dextroy the relationship he had with his daughter.
He knew and felt it.
But couldn't keep the truth - it is too big.
In May 2012 I confronted him about the rape.
He victim blamed and said we'd already had sex and didn't know I was fully passed out.
I corrected him and explained I couldnt move/speak and that it didn't give him the right to have sex with me when I was passed out.
He finally admitted he did it because he was angry. Because no-one had told him I was an alcoholic. And that made a fool of him.
I asked if he'd had too muck to drink and passed out,
If because he was ugly and that he made a fool of me when we went out - that I robbed him how he would feel?
He said he would feel disgusted.
I suggested what if I had gone further?
I told him after being with me officially for 2 weeks, he had no right to punish me by raping me for making a fool of him.
That he had no right to use my vulnerability to make him feel better about his own inadequacy.
I suggested a strong, confident, assertive man would have put a blanket over me and had words the next day.
I told him I would always be his first and mother of his child.
I told him to me he will always be a rapist.
I told him he had made a fool of himself.
He got it.
I was living with my partner,
Into 3rd trimester pregnancy
with my 5 year old.
I was working 6 days a week as a waitress in July 2011.
And I had an underlying fear, that who I was living with was someone very unsafe, that I could not trust. I kept it inside and tried to find a way to make it a safe place.
I hoped I was wrong and watched. I hoped for a sign that I was wrong.
I saw an unhealthy addiction to porn and my fear grew.
I hoped I could gentle point him in the right direction,
knowing only he could make the changes.
Knowing that addiction is progressive,
Knowing deep down he crossed the line with me once.
Knowing if I was right, (I wished I wasn't)
That my partner had a porn addiction, was a rapist
And All paedophiles started somewhere.
Knowing I had no control over if he ever took that extra step.
Knowing we had a beautiful baby daughter.
He became physically abusive to my little boy
After 6 months of living together in Oct 2011 we seperated.
I reconcilled things in myself.
And moved on with my life with my two little children.
He visited his daughter at my house as I was exclusively breastfeeding and couldn't leave me.
I kept my fear and vulnerability in a box,
until I felt safe and strong enough to let it out.
I stood up and confronted him and his mother.
I explained he lost me and my little boy.
And if he didn't change he would dextroy the relationship he had with his daughter.
He knew and felt it.
But couldn't keep the truth - it is too big.
In May 2012 I confronted him about the rape.
He victim blamed and said we'd already had sex and didn't know I was fully passed out.
I corrected him and explained I couldnt move/speak and that it didn't give him the right to have sex with me when I was passed out.
He finally admitted he did it because he was angry. Because no-one had told him I was an alcoholic. And that made a fool of him.
I asked if he'd had too muck to drink and passed out,
If because he was ugly and that he made a fool of me when we went out - that I robbed him how he would feel?
He said he would feel disgusted.
I suggested what if I had gone further?
I told him after being with me officially for 2 weeks, he had no right to punish me by raping me for making a fool of him.
That he had no right to use my vulnerability to make him feel better about his own inadequacy.
I suggested a strong, confident, assertive man would have put a blanket over me and had words the next day.
I told him I would always be his first and mother of his child.
I told him to me he will always be a rapist.
I told him he had made a fool of himself.
He got it.
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