At 27
In July 2012,
I reported to the police, my ex-partner for the rape.
3 years to the date.
I knew
I'll be branded a liar, psyco... why is the crazy ex bringing this up now?
I KNOW my word/his word = zero chance of conviction. But to me it doesn't matter the damage has been done.
But if he ever does it again/hurts our daughter - she will be believed - because he's done it before.
The police asked if I was aware what a serious crime rape was and it's consequences,
In light of that we now had a daughter together,
And my reason for reporting was not genuine.
I know nothing of police procedure.
I've never been accused of rape, or convicted of rape.
I know nothing of these things.
All I know are the consequences. Of being a victim.
The fear and the vulnerability.
The choices made to try to stay safe.
The damage that follows.
12 years of damage in one simple question.
And in that question I no longer felt like a survivor, I felt like a victim.
I had to go back to a place where I felt scared and vulnerable.
I was scared I would stay there and bring that feeling back here.
And everywhere, with everyone I would feel unsafe.
But I got through and am still here.
I am still sober.
Even though I know there is no chance of conviction...
I don't know what is in the head of my rapist. I have an idea during the rape he had feelings of excitment and power - "will anyone interupt me", "can I remove her underwear with out her waking up" "I did, I'm going to get away with this", "I can do anything I want".
If by reporting this, him being questioned by the police is added to his memory of that night.
If he is ever in a similar position, and is triggered,
If this extra memory of this experience makes him think twice,
If it protects someone else from going through it too.
It is worth all the damage.
Because we have a daughter,
My ex-partner is pushing for seeing her on his own.
Because the truth of what he did is too big,
He is in denial and can't hold that truth.
He doesn't want to see the risk.
So he can't take action to prevent it.
So I keep having to go back to a scary, vulnerable place.
To keep telling the truth again and again,
To Court, To Social Services, To solicitors.
Because the only evidence I have
I carry in my heart and head.
I have to go back,
To keep our daughter safe.
It is the only choice I have
Because she is worth it.
In July 2012,
I reported to the police, my ex-partner for the rape.
3 years to the date.
I knew
I'll be branded a liar, psyco... why is the crazy ex bringing this up now?
I KNOW my word/his word = zero chance of conviction. But to me it doesn't matter the damage has been done.
But if he ever does it again/hurts our daughter - she will be believed - because he's done it before.
The police asked if I was aware what a serious crime rape was and it's consequences,
In light of that we now had a daughter together,
And my reason for reporting was not genuine.
I know nothing of police procedure.
I've never been accused of rape, or convicted of rape.
I know nothing of these things.
All I know are the consequences. Of being a victim.
The fear and the vulnerability.
The choices made to try to stay safe.
The damage that follows.
12 years of damage in one simple question.
And in that question I no longer felt like a survivor, I felt like a victim.
I had to go back to a place where I felt scared and vulnerable.
I was scared I would stay there and bring that feeling back here.
And everywhere, with everyone I would feel unsafe.
But I got through and am still here.
I am still sober.
Even though I know there is no chance of conviction...
I don't know what is in the head of my rapist. I have an idea during the rape he had feelings of excitment and power - "will anyone interupt me", "can I remove her underwear with out her waking up" "I did, I'm going to get away with this", "I can do anything I want".
If by reporting this, him being questioned by the police is added to his memory of that night.
If he is ever in a similar position, and is triggered,
If this extra memory of this experience makes him think twice,
If it protects someone else from going through it too.
It is worth all the damage.
Because we have a daughter,
My ex-partner is pushing for seeing her on his own.
Because the truth of what he did is too big,
He is in denial and can't hold that truth.
He doesn't want to see the risk.
So he can't take action to prevent it.
So I keep having to go back to a scary, vulnerable place.
To keep telling the truth again and again,
To Court, To Social Services, To solicitors.
Because the only evidence I have
I carry in my heart and head.
I have to go back,
To keep our daughter safe.
It is the only choice I have
Because she is worth it.