My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

[Dejavudrinking]

Hey everybody, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm 20, and I had a heroin (smoking off a foil) habit that was getting exponentially worse until I was spending $240 every two days to get my fix. My addiction also sprouted my 5-10 cigarette a day habit.

I decided that I needed to find a Suboxone doctor and he's great. I've been sober from heroin for 1 1/2 years, Suboxone about 5 months. Sounds good so far, right?

Well that's not exactly the case. For some unknown reason about two months ago I was given a bottle of Jack Daniels, and drank (I mean until I was piss drunk) for 4-5 nights in a row. This hasn't stopped since. I don't feel any cravings during the day, but once that clock hits around 5 to 6PM I immediately start feeling like I need a shot. I've been drinking 6/7 nights out of the week and during the day I don't drink I feel anxious and I have bowel problems.

I'm very well educated on addiction (if you've ever withdrawn from heroin you would understand what I'm saying) so I KNOW when I'm having an addiction problem. My drinking is becoming an addiction, and the addiction seems like it has plateaued for now but it's to the point where I can handle not drinking at night, but it's VERY hard to tell myself no. I assume this addiction is sprouting because I'm a lonely person and I get bored at night, during the day, well all the time.

I've entered a private Veterinary Technician college program and I can't wait to start, I have about a month, but I want to quit smoking, and most importantly drinking. If anybody has some advice I would be so appreciative. I'd love to start my new career without the cloud of addiction hanging over me.

Thank you for listening to what I have to say and not judging.

[hart]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

No judging here, other than you must be an extraordinary individual to have gone thru all that and still be able to get into a veterinary tech. college program. I congratulate you on that. I understand being bored, but you are not exciting yourself while drinking you are dumbing yourself down, in fact, I doubt you will be able to pass your vet tech classes if you drink to the level you are now. That would be a damn shame. We need great vets. So you need to ask yourself. What is important to you? Your being bored and facing yourself sober? Or your future? Why do you feel the need to numb youself? Have you thought about counseling? About writing your thought to yourself?

You are a very bright individual and I know you know something is missing in your life? What are you running away from?

[girly wirly]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

nice to meet you

you'll find no judgement here. what i always say is if someone judges me they better remember to spend the rest of their lives godamm perfect.

if you can kick drugs, you can kick the drink. lets do this xx

very well done for getting into vet school x

[Dejavudrinking]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

Thank you so much Hart and Girly, the support really helps more than you'd think.

To Hart's response- I was "diagnosed" with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) during my senior year in high school and heroin made me feel like I could do anything in the world. No anxiety, no freaking out over something as simple as going to hang out with one of my best friends because I'm worried about what to say. That's what drove me into the heroin world, my complete lack of self-confidence. Heroin made me feel better while I was actually under the influence, but obviously made my anxiety sky-rocket when I had none. After I finally quit suboxone I felt good, and when I say good I really mean that I was just "floating" through life. I didn't ever feel happy, but rather something close to a zombie. Then two months ago I drank and it made my anxiety go away, all of my worries, I was able to have intellectual conversations with friends (as weird as that sounds). Now because I've already been addicted to arguably the most addictive drug in the world, heroin, I know what path I'm heading down.

The point is, I drink because I'm always so nervous and it helps me relax, but I can't let substances control my life anymore. I drink because yes, it does make me numb, it makes my personality so much more entertaining and enjoyable, but like heroin, I know it's just the alcohol. My VT program starts Sept. 27th and I would like to be free of all substances. Cigarettes, Marijuana (which I occasionally smoke because I have a license), and MOST importantly ALCOHOL. Also, a little off topic, but I'm a guy and it's going to be about 98% women in my VT program so I'm a little worried about that. I'm kind of shy if you guys haven't realized it yet :P

I drank last night, and I keep telling myself I won't tonight. I will not drink tonight. I'll be sure to post back in the morning and let you guys know how truthful my most previous statement proves to be.

Again thank you so much for the support. Just reading your replies and typing this has already made me feel like I can control myself that much more.

[K9Lover]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

Welcome to MWO!

I read through your story and wanted to lend my support. So how did it go last night...were you able to not drink?

Let us know, we are here to help!

K9

[mama bear]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

I was wondering the same thing
hope you are ok

[Dejavudrinking]

My downward spiral into drugs, now alcohol.

Thank you so much for your replies. I still can't thank you enough for the support. Well I have some good news, and some bad news. I'll start with the good news.

The Good- I didn't drink last night! I was able to hold off, relax, and have a great night of sleep. This morning I visited the Veterinary Technician campus and finished up my financial aid, received my scrubs, and finally received my campus ID. I'm now officially attending VT school in less than a month, and I haven't been this excited for a very long time.

The Bad- Today was my father's birthday so we decided to have dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. Dinner started out great, we were having a great time and my father seemed happier than ever. This didn't last long. After we received dinner a relaxed debate turned into my father telling me I'm nothing, I've done NOTHING with my life, and I won't amount to anything. To make it even more hurtful, he expressed how it was the worst birthday of his life. At this point I feel so guilty and awful that I'm making my father's birthday a horrible day, but I'm so upset that my own father would tell me I'm going to amount to nothing in life. It's his birthday, I want him to have a memorable day, but I've now been personally attacked and ridiculed by my father on HIS birthday. Long story short, by the end of dinner I was struggling to even put a smile on my own father's face. I don't think he even wanted me at his dinner celebration. I hate to say this, but it gets worse.

About 5-6 hours ago my best friend (she's a girl, a beautiful and intelligent girl at that) let me know that she had lost all of her friends today due to a complete misunderstanding. We had a deep talk for 2-3 hours and then decided to have a few shots. A few shots led to 5 shots which led to 8 shots. I'd say an hour 1/2 ago our conversation evolved from just a deep conversation into a VERY intimate conversation. We ended up giving each other "friendly" massages which led to a long session of making out and confessing the love we have for each other. She then told me to relax and attempted to seduce me. I told her that we've been friends for too long to let something as stupid as "drunk love" get in the way of our friendship but she wouldn't give up, she told me repeatedly that she truly loves me. At this point I don't know if I'm taking advantage of her. I keep saying "We shouldn't do this, you're drunk and I'm drunk, this isn't fair to you." This didn't work. She had her mind made up. I couldn't convince my best friend to not let me have sex with her because she's drunk. She finally managed to get my pants off, and well, we ended up having very intimate, bonding, and emotional sex. I laid with her and made sure she was comfortable until she finally fell asleep.

And now I'm sharing my deepest secrets with all of you. She's sleeping but I can't. I'm sitting here at my computer more confused than I've ever been. I just had sex with my best friend and I feel awful. I feel like I took advantage of her. I couldn't get her to stop feeling me even though it felt so great. We couldn't stop ourselves. It was inevitable at this point. I feel SO guilty right now, I feel like I took advantage of my best friend although she must have told me 30 times that she wanted me, and wanted to be with me in the morning and so on. It's 1AM, I'm drunk, and I just had sex with my best friend. She's such an incredible person, I can't believe what I just did. My father thinks I'm nothing, and I feel like I took advantage of the most intelligent and beautiful woman I've ever met.

I need some advice very badly, what I've done is so awful. I don't deserve her, I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve her affection.

The story of today is very fucked up (excuse my language) and I've probably offended many people on these forums. Please try to understand my situation. I'm so sorry for what I've done.

Thank you again for listening to what I've had to say, I'm going back to lay in bed with her and I'll post on the forums after she leaves tomorrow.

Is this true love? PLEASE help, I feel so awful for what I've done!