sausage suggested that I add my "story" to this section so it isn't buried in my party thread. :-)
Copied and pasted from my congratulatory thread:
And byrdie, it just might take you all day to read this post!
Lav, you should be proud – you’ve been my friend and mentor – along with Byrdie – and I honestly owe both of you my life. Windy and Jolie, it was also the biggest help to share the beginning of this journey with you.
My “general” story is the same as many here…..drinker my whole life – I didn’t know any different. It was necessary to have fun….it was necessary to grieve…necessary to relax. I always joked when I went off to college that I could make a can of soup feed me for two days, so I could save my money for the pub. Even then, a study night consisted of sharing a six pack or so. It all “worked” for many years – for the most part - but looking back, drinking was a driving force in my life. I didn’t want to do anything if it didn’t involve drinking. And I was quite uncomfortable with things that didn’t. I got married, and did ok - I never played the part of the problem drinker. At that point, I don’t think I ever really tried to quit or imagined that I needed to cut back. There was the loss of my father, several miscarriages, so many things that alcohol was used for….so many things that I truly never dealt with in the way that I should have.
I had a baby 14 yrs ago (didn’t drink during pregnancy ) and it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I was overwhelmed with emotion every time I looked at him (and I still am lots of the time). But when I was diagnosed with melanoma, I thought my life was over. There was a terrible period of time from the diagnosis through the surgery to finally finding out that my lymph nodes were clear that the anxiety was too much for me. I bought boxed wine and sipped on it all day long to keep the edge off. On one hand, I could see this as the beginning of the real problem period, but on the other hand, I was destined for it, either way. But I learned that I could “function” while staying topped off – and at that time, it seemed really rewarding to me – it took me from being in a state of panic thinking that I wasn’t going to be around to help my son grow up – to somehow being able to deal with it all.
Anyway, add in a husband who was probably feeling more and more isolated, who started to increase his drinking too….it makes me sick to think of where we were headed. We’ve been damn good parents, but just think of what we could have done without the alcohol. But I’ve learned that that’s neither here nor there. Every moment of the past has made me who I am today – and today, I’m not feeling too bad about that.
Last February – (My join date) if I remember correctly – I had decided to stop. I had graduated from drinking beer in college and beyond – to wine – to vodka. It was important that if I was drinking all day and at events where no one else was drinking, that I have something that I could hide easily – I put it in water bottles mostly when going somewhere. And I always had a glass of “water” with me everywhere I went in the house.
By this point, I had “tried” to quit hundreds of times. I had in fact at some point visited MWO and read – while investigating online help for drinking problems. But I never joined. I woke up at 2 or 3 every morning in a panic and said out loud “Stop it! You just CAN’T have it in the house!” Then later that day, I’d think well, if I just drink it “responsibly” there’s no reason I can’t. Just get a bottle to have here just for a glass here and there! I did this OVER and OVER. While the years were flying by. I’d really only sleep a couple of hours at night – and it was pass out sleep anyway. It was a big hamster wheel, that I couldn’t figure out how to jump off of. The less I slept, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the more I wanted to escape it by drinking…and the more I drank, the less I slept.
So anyway, back to February. Once again I had decided that I needed to stop it but for whatever reason, I got on MWO and joined. I had been reading and decided that while my hubby was on a trip, I’d taper down, and quit. So it was hard, but I did it – I tapered with beer – so I’d still have alcohol in my system to help if there any withdrawal issues – but it didn’t tempt me to overdo it since vodka had become my chosen poison. Then we had a dinner party the weekend after. I planned to go lightly at the party, but I didn’t…and of course there was alcohol leftover, and I drank through the night and the entire next day and night. Monday morning I woke up just past midnight with my heart racing and my entire body shaking. I came downstairs – and sat in the darkness hoping I’d make it til morning. I threw up at 6 and had to ask my husband to take our son to school. The “illnesses” were becoming VERY frequent – so that was my first “serious” quit date. Feb 14, 2011.
I had a hard time making my 30 days – but I did it, and I was amazed. I have to say that some of my high points came during the toughest of those days. It sounds strange but when I made one day – two days – three days – one week – without any alcohol – I really was discovering that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything. Plus the kind of euphoria of making it through the tough part of the evening and then settling into bed just brought me so much peace…..
I still couldn’t fathom the thought of not drinking again – and my hubby was still drinking. So it was hard. And I was bitchy. And judgemental of him. My mother’s health took another turn for the worse just past my 30 day mark. And that plus the fact that I wasn’t feeling amazing….led me back to drinking again. I still wasn’t sleeping well – I hadn’t figured that out yet – and I ached all over…all the time. I have now realized that my body detoxes with pain! Because I had a couple of starts and stops all summer long last year – and each involved a period of achiness. None like that first one, though. So, I started back up with a nice mild white wine….but by late September when I woke up to an empty BIG wine box under my bed – to refill during the night…and an empty BIG vodka bottle in my bedroom closet…I just couldn’t kid myself that I was handling it “ok” anymore. So I started again on Sept 26.
The one good thing that happened over the summer last year is that I asked my husband to read Kick the Drink Easily – and it started a series of conversations with us regarding alcohol and how we wanted our son to perceive it. He has since also quit (but seems to be able to have a beer here or there without starting it all over again)
I’ve had to step it up a bit in the parenting department in the past year – homework is getting more difficult! And teenagers do things at night…and need rides….and are getting interested in cars….and tempted by drugs and alcohol…and the opposite sex. There is no way in HELL I could do a decent job of this while still drinking. We have been able to talk to our son about drinking – and let him see that you don’t have to drink to have fun….while we don’t feel like hypocrites ourselves. I don’t like doing a half-arsed job of anything….but I was becoming quite used to accepting sub-par behavior from myself. And it’s a rotten feeling.
I haven’t used L-glut or Kudzu – I do take B vitamins, and other vitamins – and I use calms forte or nerve tonic at night.
One thing that didn’t work for me was “substituting” drinks. And I think I read that Molly discovered this too. That at first, I made sure I always had my drink in hand, and I substituted with selzer or flavored something. But it really helped when I stopped the whole mindset that I needed to have a drink at all times. Now I get a drink when I’m thirsty. The exception to this is at a social gathering. I am still tempted to always have my selzer in hand….like a “drink”….and that is my next hurdle – I’d like to be at social functions without the physical crutch of holding onto that drink.
I’ve also said so many times that random posting in the nest has been so helpful to me. Usually I don’t even know what I’m getting at – but by the time I finish a post – I often have come to some sort of realization – and while I might have been trying to offer help to someone else, I’m the one that benefitted.
The worst times are those random moments when I see a bunch of chairs in a circle in someone’s back yard from a campfire the night before…and I imagine the “romantic” version of what it was like. Roasted marshmallows, drinks, lots of laughing. And I think of what people would think if I hosted one without alcohol…that it would feel “stiff” and not fun. I still struggle with these kinds of things but the reality can’t be denied. The couple of drinks that other people are satisfied with – don’t do anything for me. I’d want to start before they got there, and I’d want to keep going when they left, and take some to bed to sip on. So I have faith that in time I’ll be able to socialize a little more than I do now, and not feel like an outcast. It’s happening – slowly but surely.
Something that was both a low and a high was losing my mother. It was an awful time but handling it sober was very empowering to me. And I'm confident that I dealt with it so much better than all the other things in life that have gotten swept under the alcohol rug.
So while I’ve lost weight, I physically feel loads better, my skin looks better, saved tons of money, I sleep sooo much better than I EVER thought possible… (All these years, I just thought I was a rotten sleeper!) Even with all these benefits that so many people focus on – the thing that is the most important to me and that has made the most amazing difference in my life – is feeling like I belong in my own skin again. I feel confident - I can look people in the eye – I can stand close to them – I don’t have to wonder if they “know” – I KNOW that what I am saying makes sense and that they aren’t just half listening to someone they know has been drinking – that I can speak up about my thoughts and feelings and I can find the words to express them and not feel stupid and silly. I respect myself and while I’ve read it here from so many others – you don’t get it til you “get” it.
now, if anyone's still here - I need to say thank you to everyone on this site – even though I don’t comment on too many thread, I do read lots of them and feel like I know you all. You don’t realize how much impact your words can have on another person.
lola
Copied and pasted from my congratulatory thread:
And byrdie, it just might take you all day to read this post!
Lav, you should be proud – you’ve been my friend and mentor – along with Byrdie – and I honestly owe both of you my life. Windy and Jolie, it was also the biggest help to share the beginning of this journey with you.
My “general” story is the same as many here…..drinker my whole life – I didn’t know any different. It was necessary to have fun….it was necessary to grieve…necessary to relax. I always joked when I went off to college that I could make a can of soup feed me for two days, so I could save my money for the pub. Even then, a study night consisted of sharing a six pack or so. It all “worked” for many years – for the most part - but looking back, drinking was a driving force in my life. I didn’t want to do anything if it didn’t involve drinking. And I was quite uncomfortable with things that didn’t. I got married, and did ok - I never played the part of the problem drinker. At that point, I don’t think I ever really tried to quit or imagined that I needed to cut back. There was the loss of my father, several miscarriages, so many things that alcohol was used for….so many things that I truly never dealt with in the way that I should have.
I had a baby 14 yrs ago (didn’t drink during pregnancy ) and it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I was overwhelmed with emotion every time I looked at him (and I still am lots of the time). But when I was diagnosed with melanoma, I thought my life was over. There was a terrible period of time from the diagnosis through the surgery to finally finding out that my lymph nodes were clear that the anxiety was too much for me. I bought boxed wine and sipped on it all day long to keep the edge off. On one hand, I could see this as the beginning of the real problem period, but on the other hand, I was destined for it, either way. But I learned that I could “function” while staying topped off – and at that time, it seemed really rewarding to me – it took me from being in a state of panic thinking that I wasn’t going to be around to help my son grow up – to somehow being able to deal with it all.
Anyway, add in a husband who was probably feeling more and more isolated, who started to increase his drinking too….it makes me sick to think of where we were headed. We’ve been damn good parents, but just think of what we could have done without the alcohol. But I’ve learned that that’s neither here nor there. Every moment of the past has made me who I am today – and today, I’m not feeling too bad about that.
Last February – (My join date) if I remember correctly – I had decided to stop. I had graduated from drinking beer in college and beyond – to wine – to vodka. It was important that if I was drinking all day and at events where no one else was drinking, that I have something that I could hide easily – I put it in water bottles mostly when going somewhere. And I always had a glass of “water” with me everywhere I went in the house.
By this point, I had “tried” to quit hundreds of times. I had in fact at some point visited MWO and read – while investigating online help for drinking problems. But I never joined. I woke up at 2 or 3 every morning in a panic and said out loud “Stop it! You just CAN’T have it in the house!” Then later that day, I’d think well, if I just drink it “responsibly” there’s no reason I can’t. Just get a bottle to have here just for a glass here and there! I did this OVER and OVER. While the years were flying by. I’d really only sleep a couple of hours at night – and it was pass out sleep anyway. It was a big hamster wheel, that I couldn’t figure out how to jump off of. The less I slept, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the more I wanted to escape it by drinking…and the more I drank, the less I slept.
So anyway, back to February. Once again I had decided that I needed to stop it but for whatever reason, I got on MWO and joined. I had been reading and decided that while my hubby was on a trip, I’d taper down, and quit. So it was hard, but I did it – I tapered with beer – so I’d still have alcohol in my system to help if there any withdrawal issues – but it didn’t tempt me to overdo it since vodka had become my chosen poison. Then we had a dinner party the weekend after. I planned to go lightly at the party, but I didn’t…and of course there was alcohol leftover, and I drank through the night and the entire next day and night. Monday morning I woke up just past midnight with my heart racing and my entire body shaking. I came downstairs – and sat in the darkness hoping I’d make it til morning. I threw up at 6 and had to ask my husband to take our son to school. The “illnesses” were becoming VERY frequent – so that was my first “serious” quit date. Feb 14, 2011.
I had a hard time making my 30 days – but I did it, and I was amazed. I have to say that some of my high points came during the toughest of those days. It sounds strange but when I made one day – two days – three days – one week – without any alcohol – I really was discovering that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything. Plus the kind of euphoria of making it through the tough part of the evening and then settling into bed just brought me so much peace…..
I still couldn’t fathom the thought of not drinking again – and my hubby was still drinking. So it was hard. And I was bitchy. And judgemental of him. My mother’s health took another turn for the worse just past my 30 day mark. And that plus the fact that I wasn’t feeling amazing….led me back to drinking again. I still wasn’t sleeping well – I hadn’t figured that out yet – and I ached all over…all the time. I have now realized that my body detoxes with pain! Because I had a couple of starts and stops all summer long last year – and each involved a period of achiness. None like that first one, though. So, I started back up with a nice mild white wine….but by late September when I woke up to an empty BIG wine box under my bed – to refill during the night…and an empty BIG vodka bottle in my bedroom closet…I just couldn’t kid myself that I was handling it “ok” anymore. So I started again on Sept 26.
The one good thing that happened over the summer last year is that I asked my husband to read Kick the Drink Easily – and it started a series of conversations with us regarding alcohol and how we wanted our son to perceive it. He has since also quit (but seems to be able to have a beer here or there without starting it all over again)
I’ve had to step it up a bit in the parenting department in the past year – homework is getting more difficult! And teenagers do things at night…and need rides….and are getting interested in cars….and tempted by drugs and alcohol…and the opposite sex. There is no way in HELL I could do a decent job of this while still drinking. We have been able to talk to our son about drinking – and let him see that you don’t have to drink to have fun….while we don’t feel like hypocrites ourselves. I don’t like doing a half-arsed job of anything….but I was becoming quite used to accepting sub-par behavior from myself. And it’s a rotten feeling.
I haven’t used L-glut or Kudzu – I do take B vitamins, and other vitamins – and I use calms forte or nerve tonic at night.
One thing that didn’t work for me was “substituting” drinks. And I think I read that Molly discovered this too. That at first, I made sure I always had my drink in hand, and I substituted with selzer or flavored something. But it really helped when I stopped the whole mindset that I needed to have a drink at all times. Now I get a drink when I’m thirsty. The exception to this is at a social gathering. I am still tempted to always have my selzer in hand….like a “drink”….and that is my next hurdle – I’d like to be at social functions without the physical crutch of holding onto that drink.
I’ve also said so many times that random posting in the nest has been so helpful to me. Usually I don’t even know what I’m getting at – but by the time I finish a post – I often have come to some sort of realization – and while I might have been trying to offer help to someone else, I’m the one that benefitted.
The worst times are those random moments when I see a bunch of chairs in a circle in someone’s back yard from a campfire the night before…and I imagine the “romantic” version of what it was like. Roasted marshmallows, drinks, lots of laughing. And I think of what people would think if I hosted one without alcohol…that it would feel “stiff” and not fun. I still struggle with these kinds of things but the reality can’t be denied. The couple of drinks that other people are satisfied with – don’t do anything for me. I’d want to start before they got there, and I’d want to keep going when they left, and take some to bed to sip on. So I have faith that in time I’ll be able to socialize a little more than I do now, and not feel like an outcast. It’s happening – slowly but surely.
Something that was both a low and a high was losing my mother. It was an awful time but handling it sober was very empowering to me. And I'm confident that I dealt with it so much better than all the other things in life that have gotten swept under the alcohol rug.
So while I’ve lost weight, I physically feel loads better, my skin looks better, saved tons of money, I sleep sooo much better than I EVER thought possible… (All these years, I just thought I was a rotten sleeper!) Even with all these benefits that so many people focus on – the thing that is the most important to me and that has made the most amazing difference in my life – is feeling like I belong in my own skin again. I feel confident - I can look people in the eye – I can stand close to them – I don’t have to wonder if they “know” – I KNOW that what I am saying makes sense and that they aren’t just half listening to someone they know has been drinking – that I can speak up about my thoughts and feelings and I can find the words to express them and not feel stupid and silly. I respect myself and while I’ve read it here from so many others – you don’t get it til you “get” it.
now, if anyone's still here - I need to say thank you to everyone on this site – even though I don’t comment on too many thread, I do read lots of them and feel like I know you all. You don’t realize how much impact your words can have on another person.
lola
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