The Story So Far.......

[Quest for the key]

The story so far.........
I have been on MWO for a couple of months now ? stumbled across it when looking for help (yet again) the morning after the night before. And might I say for the record ? I love this site. I love the support and encouragement offered without judgement and in complete sympathy, and the friends that I have made thus far. Okay, slop over :-)

Well, who am I ?

I am a 41 year old married mum of 4 boys ? and I have a problem with alcohol. I do not possess an ?off? switch ? once the tap is turned on, the floodgates open, and I can?t stop drinking.

I?ve been aware of the fact that I have had a problem with alcohol for a number of years ? hubby used to just say it was a ?habit? and I wasn?t an alkie ? well, that?s debatable !!
I have always been around alcohol. My dad was a heavy drinker ? 2 litres of cider and a few voddies, or whiskeys to finish. But not a day time drinker, so mum said he couldn?t be an alkie, since he didn?t drink in the day time. I now know that simply is not true. I grew up watching day being emotionally abusive towards my mum and my brother ? not me though. I was daddy?s girl.

I can vaguely remember sipping cider out of my dad?s pint pot while sat on his knee ? I must have only been about 3. And there the story starts...........No, I wasn?t hitting the bottle in nursery, but then again, I wasn?t discouraged from drinking as a kid either. Christmases were snowball times ? made with advocaat ? or a babycham, then blue bols and lemonade when I got a bit older. Yuk !!! But it seemed great at the time. That warm fuzzy feeling...........

Anyway, I digress.

I started my drinking career around about 14 years old ? drinking 2 cans of Special Brew on the streets with my mates ? you know how it goes. Then into pubs and clubs by the time I was 16.

Well, I left school and college and went to university ? and found copious amounts of alcohol in the student union bars ? Cheap !! I was the Merrydown queen. After I left uni, and started work, the drinking calmed down, and it was mainly Saturday night binges, which seemed ?normal? at the time. I met my hubby and we settled down and had our kids.......all the time (except while pregnant) the weekend binges continued. We have a circle of friends who all had kids around the same time, and we took it in turns each weekend to host the others.

Things started to deteriorate for me in 2001 after my second miscarriage, and work mistakenly sent me a ?Congratulations? package with champagne and flowers instead of the ?Sympathy? package ? ironic really. I had arrived home on the Saturday following a D&C, and on the Sunday I cracked open the bottle...................

This has continued for the past 11 years on and off, with the lowest point coming in January 2006, when my youngest was 3 weeks old, and my dad died. I didn?t deal with that well. In fact, I don?t think I have grieved yet !!!

I know I am not alone in facing major problems like death and miscarriage, but as a people pleaser, and to be brutally honest, a great funeral organiser (3 in the last 6 years) I tend not to face anything major. I stick it in my bad memory box in my head and drown it in AL. And that?s worked up to now..........until I found MWO and realised that this may not be the best coping mechanism I could employ.

I am known as the life and soul of the party ? always good for a laugh ? and a good old sesh !! Truth is, I?m getting a bit sick of that reputation now. I?m looking at me kids, and now the 15 year old starts to want a beer at the weekend, I know I need to change as I am not currently leading by example.

I wonder if I?ll ever find my ?off? switch ? I just don?t know. But I am trying. Every day. I recently got 6 days AF under my belt ? the longest in 6 years, and I felt great !! Peaceful and serene. But then the dreaded Friday and ?I?ll just have a couple? came round, and I feel off the wagon, and been struggling with 2 or 3 days AF since.

I know I?ve come a long way really, in a short space of time, in the fact that I?ve acknowledged the problem and I?m trying to do something about it. When I stop trying is when I will fail completely.

Anyway, just thought I?d share.

I'll keep you all posted on my upcoming progress

[kuya]

The Story So Far.......

Quest, I have seen you from your first day here, you are a trier and because of that you WILL succeed.

Thank you for sharing your story.......onwards and upwards my friend.... You have so much good balance out the bad.

Keep on trucking :h

[kuya]

The Story So Far.......

With regard to what Molly said about the off switch, I think there is a distinct difference between people who drink too much when they drink and start drinking too often and people like me.

I DRANK WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO DRINK........this is addiction.

Alcohol abuse and misuse is common. Addiction less so.

There is a profound saying;

MAN TAKES A DRINK,
DRINK TAKES A DRINK,
DRINK TAKES A MAN.

I was being 'taken' by alcohol, I no longer chose it, it chose me.

[Quest for the key]

The Story So Far.......

Thanks KY and Molls :h

Your support and advice as always means so much to me

[Quest for the key]

The Story So Far.......

mollyka;1413908 wrote: I agree Ky ------ sort of. Yes there are lots of people who just 'get into the way' of drinking too much - and yeah - they can pull it back - but I also think there are lots of people who've 'crossed the line' into alcoholic thinking without actually drinking enormous quantities of drink. I do know there was a woman in rehab with me and she drank 3 glasses of wine every night. Each and every one of us inmates sorta thought 'bloody hell, wish I could be like her - I'd be GRAND' ---- but after a month and listening to the counsellors - I could see that she was every bit as much an alcoholic as the person in the cardboard box ---- I think it's an 'out' a lot of problem drinkers give themselves 'I only........' and 'it's a habit - I can break it' --- very grey area imo, and if someone finds themselves in that category of 'grey' -- I really think even MORE ruthless honesty is needed to see the situation as it really is.
My husband and I drank together all our lives --- no problem on either side up to about 5 years ago, when I indeed did cross the line. He hasn't had a drink this year (well one night out with the lads for his birthday) - and I questioned him about it recently - he frankly told me that he saw me crossing the line and reckoned it would be only a matter of time that the same thing would happen to him.
Sorry ---- thread hi-jack again

Molls - you can hijack my thread any day

I love hearing your experiences - they bring me a lot of comfort, cos I know I'm not alone :l

[JackieClaire]

The Story So Far.......

Aww Questy,
Thank you so much for sharing you story and really looking forward to watching your progress.
Like Molls and Joe (honestly we're not joined at the hip) Mr JC was my biggest drinking buddy. Where there was lots of booze there was the lovely couple Mr and Mrs JC. Fortunately for him he did have an off switch. A lovely afternoon with a few drinks with lunch. That was it for him, whereas I wanted to carry on the party 'til I fell over. He now rarely drinks in the house but still has his boys night out on a Friday. It suits us both.

Actually thinking about it I can remember being frightened that if I got sober we wouldn't have anything in common. Nothing, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The think that jumps out for me, Questy, love is that you haven't grieved yet. Bless you, having a so much going on in your life it must be hard to find the time. I'm wondering if giving Cruse a call will help. Here's their website.
Cruse Bereavement Care

Thanks again, Questy.:l

[Quest for the key]

The Story So Far.......

JackieClaire;1413917 wrote: Aww Questy,
Thank you so much for sharing you story and really looking forward to watching your progress.
Like Molls and Joe (honestly we're not joined at the hip) Mr JC was my biggest drinking buddy. Where there was lots of booze there was the lovely couple Mr and Mrs JC. Fortunately for him he did have an off switch. A lovely afternoon with a few drinks with lunch. That was it for him, whereas I wanted to carry on the party 'til I fell over. He now rarely drinks in the house but still has his boys night out on a Friday. It suits us both.

Actually thinking about it I can remember being frightened that if I got sober we wouldn't have anything in common. Nothing, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The think that jumps out for me, Questy, love is that you haven't grieved yet. Bless you, having a so much going on in your life it must be hard to find the time. I'm wondering if giving Cruse a call will help. Here's their website.
Cruse Bereavement Care

Thanks again, Questy.:l

Thanks Jacs - I used to say that I felt like I was walking around in a bubble. A most peculiar feeling - but I felt sort of safe cos I knew I didn't have to deal with anything while I was in me bubble. That's turned into a way of life now though - mind you, if you met me you'd never know !!!

And just like you and molls my hubs is my drinking buddy - but now he tries to deter me by not encouraging me - he offers me food, ice cream, films - anything to take my mind off it !

I spose we all have a path to tread, a journey to make - and we're all different !

That's a comfort in itself :l

[FloridaBoy]

The Story So Far.......

:goodjob:

Quest wrote: I wonder if I’ll ever find my “off” switch ? I just don’t know. But I am trying. Every day. I recently got 6 days AF under my belt – the longest in 6 years, and I felt great !! Peaceful and serene. But then the dreaded Friday and “I’ll just have a couple” came round, and I feel off the wagon, and been struggling with 2 or 3 days AF since.


I finally realized that I do not have an AL off switch. I never knew when to quit. I just sailed off the edge. I believe some of us are born that way. I'm sure I was. Once I accepted this the rest was easy...O.K. not easy but it was what I had to do.

[Quest for the key]

The Story So Far.......

Thanks fb - nice avatar btw !!!

[whoopaban]

The Story So Far.......

I understand what you're saying about not having a "switch" -- a serving, in my opinion, is however much I have. More about that later.

I just wanted to say I relate so much to your story.