Not exciting, but still My Life

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Conversation between me, myself and I this morning.

Me: Maybe we could out to Mexican food this weekend and I could have just 1 margarita, feel it slipping down my throat, yum, and it's not my usual drink of choice so it's not like I couldn't stop after just simply enjoying one.
Myself: What are you talking about? You have tried this before. "Just on special days, just when you go out, just one" what difference does it make what you drink?.......and remember how you feel the next day? You've gotten it completely out of your system, do you want to introduce it again?
I: OK, while you 2 discuss this, I'm going over here and TTFP, we'll talk about this later.

Funny how all of this goes on in my head. But, I TTFP and don't have to think about any of that today, do I?

[Yourfriend6116]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Way to go overit!!

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Cravings

So, I don't know why I'm having such a hard time but I can think of nothing else except having a drink. It's driving me crazy. It wasn't this hard the first time. I'm only 19 days in. UGH!

I read a book this weekend that I'm sure is really profound but in my state of mind, it just depressed and made me want to drink even more.

A couple of quotes though that resonate:
Jim "does the want ever go away"
Aug "Well, I'm no expert. But no. Probably not. That's the bad news. You can never replace it. The good news is you do learn to live without it. You miss it. You want it.....you live with it"
Jim "It seems so easy for you. You just don't drink."
Aug "......doing this again and again, day after day until an amount of time has passed and it became not a struggle, but a routine. This time I have to really stay on top of it so it doesn't sneak up on me. But you're right in one way, I just don't drink."
Jim "It's so uncomfortable"
Aug "I know, I get like that. I get where I feel like I'm gonna drink anyway, eventually, so I might as well do it now. It's awful. Sometimes I feel like I have hives in my brain that I can't scratch."
Jim "So what do you do?"
Aug "You're supposed to go to a meeting. I mean as much as you hate them or if they feel stupid or you just don't want to go. The thing is, if you go to a meeting, you won't drink that day. It's like a minibrainwash, It kind of fixes you for a little while."

And THAT my friends is what MWO does for me!

I just have to go back and remember why I started this journey........again. #1-I hate feeling like sh*t the day after. Whether I'm just tired, not focused, sick to my stomach, still drunk, bloated, grumpy, can't stop thinking about this crappy day being over so I can either go home and just feel like sh*t or drink again to take off the rough edges......so I can feel like sh*t again tomorrow..............what a circus. Do I need a #2?

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

ok, an attitude of gratitude..............um, I did work yesterday, without feeling like sh*t, got my workout in without wanting to puke, laughed with my husband, was able to be pleasant to someone who was not with me, worked past dark and wasn't getting hives trying to get out of here so I could drink, read a portion of a book and I still remember what I read...........all while being sober. Thank you Jesus!

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

So, gratitude today...........pulled out in front of a cop and did the mental checklist like usual and then just smiled, I'm tired and grumpy but it's not from a hangover so this will pass, even though I'm grumpy and tired I feel 100X better than being hungover, got through my workout today, being productive at work, do not feel sick.

Edit: I was not productive at work, got through the day on junk food and just being a zombie. But, it's OK, went home and put myself to bed early. Needed sleep. And because I didn't drink............I slept all night, no midnight insomnia. I could not have said "it's GREAT to be alive" only because I was just out of it but, today, I'm so thankful and I do feel alive, only because I didn't get drunk, guaranteed!

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Today I am grateful that I stopped drinking when I was ready to. Nothing bad happened and I wasn't give an ultimatum by anyone. whew.......

[Pavati]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Hi,

Just checking in - hope all is ok with you!

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

So, here I am again. I don't know why I keep trying this cycle, it never works and just like everyone says it only gets worse. I'm a wreck, I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I'm fat, unhealthy, and I can feel my body starting to retaliate. Fitness and sports used to be my favorite thing, I've completely lost interest. I'm a horrible employee. My finances are in total shambles as are my relationships with others. I just want to close myself away from the world. I'm surprised no one has figured out my little dirty secret yet.

I was totally convicted by God that drinking IS NOT FOR ME and I've been in total disobedience.

Will I stop this time? Will there be a day 2? I don't know but I do know that I cannot continue on this road any longer.

[Daisy38]

Not exciting, but still My Life

OS, hi I'm a newbie here with 39 days AF and a commitment to stop for good. I read through some of your previous posts we have a similar story. I grew up with an alcoholic father a happy childhood because I didn't know any different and still loved him dearly despite of everything! I really do hope you find your strength to be the happy, athletic, smily, friendly, awesome mom & Grandmother and every other attribute you mentioned in your first post because you inspired me with your words and positivity. Fight to be the woman you want to be she sounds fantastic. X

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Daisy38-thank you. Very encouraging.

Today is day 2 of I don't know how long. "Forever" is such a scary word but saying "just for today" gives me an out.

Just happy this day to be sober, to have accomplished things today AND last night that I wouldn't have if I had been drinking.

[paulywogg]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit,have some faith in yourself honey,you had a good stretch of sobriety,you can do it again,trust me i was right where you are last month,actually probly worse almost to where i called a detox center,i was so scared,this shit is maddening i tell you!I finally went and seen my doc as i was drinking sooo much every/all day i was scared of withdrawal,he told me"just think of the discomfort as your body coming back to life and you gotta fight the good fight"i dunno why but those words helped,you'll get it,be strong and don't dissapear again,shit i was so broke last month from drinking my money away and calling off work,poor hubs had to cover bills,this month i'm proudly covering most of them,plus being able to buy myself little treats,when i was drinking i'd read tbreads like so and so has this many days af,i'd be like"well la dee da for so and so"just totally angry and irritated,i'm rambling but just know i support you and i wish you so much strength! i know you have it in you,reach for it deep down and use it,hugs to you

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Thanks Paulywogg. It really means a lot to me. Woke to another sober morning today. I took my pill so there's definitely no drinking, today.

[Overit-still]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Originally Posted by Byrdlady View Post

"Good Morning, All!
How is it that each and every morning I check into the nest there are just WONDERFUL revelations going on??! The night shift has it going on!!!!

Jennie and Leighann....I absolutely know how the brain acts when we get a case of the Phuckets (NOT a place in Thailand). Here's the script that ran thru my head..."I don't owe these people anything", "I'll find another site when I'm ready", "This ONE last time is IT", "What does it MATTER anyway?, who REALLY gives a spit?", "I don't think I am as bad as I thought", "I can ALWAYS start over tomorrow". Do these ring any bells? This is the BARGAINING stage of grief. (remember the 5 stages? Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance). We can talk you thru an awful lot of emotions, but I have observed that the bargaining stage is the most resistant...it's when most people fall. Anger is when you get to MWO, Denial is when you are slow to pull the trigger and then finally do and realize you were worse than you thought, then BARGAINING...."I'll just drink on weekends and special occasions (until every day is a special occasion)..."I'll just have a couple to take THE EDGE OFF". Getting over those edges makes them smoother, yielding to them makes them bigger and MORE difficult to get over. How do we get ourselves thru this tricky stage of the process? What separates the men from boys on this one? What can we possibly do to overcome these intense Phuckets? Here's what I did, I took the option of drinking OUT of the equation. It is JUST not an option, no more than drinking battery acid is. Take the CHOICE out of it. Instead, I say, 'what can I do to move past this?' Have the steak! Have the cookie! (sorry, NoSugar) Have anything else that is available to us....but AL is not one of them. Adopting this Zero Tolerance policy is what got me thru (and continues to). No, HELL NO! Al will not take one more day of my life!!
Hope everyone has an easy day!!! Byrdie"

[johncaroll]

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story of your's. You can pull back all the things that you lost.

[ShawTHo]

Today I am grateful that I stopped drinking when I was ready to. Nothing bad happened and I wasn't give an ultimatum by anyone. whew.......

good for you! keep it up!

how i wish i can stop drinking too. but i determined today, no alcohol for this day, and if i succeed i will repeat this routine tomorrow.