Not exciting, but still My Life

[beherenow]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Congratulations, overit! You seem to have found your way out. The first thirty days are probably the hardest and it should get easier over time. Great that you have a plan and necessary tools for the near future too.

I am on day 11 & quite a bit behind you but I expect to keep you company in this quit journey.

Congrats, once again. This is a great moment.
:goodjob:

[kuya]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Congratulations Overit...... You are rightly proud and I am so glad for you that your doctor and husband are proud.

Getting sober takes courage, mostly because you are NOT doing something rather than actively doing something. This leaves so much time to introspect and most people dread introspection.

Keep on trucking, don't think forever just remember that it gets even better!

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

So, in my original post I did not mention that part of my awakening was seeing a person that I highly respected and admired travel this road called "alcoholism". Is it not my father, but you would think that would have been enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. No, it was a former co-worker that I have been working closely with again for the last 6 months.

She used to be so smart, trained me in my job, was so energetic and loved life! She also drank quite a bit. I could smell it on her in the mornings and she would joke about not eating so she could have her gin and tonic or vodka in the evenings and still maintain her weight watchers points. She always looked pretty strung out in the mornings but she "functioned" Fast forward about 4 years and I find out she is in the hospital. Her organs were shutting down. They have told her if she continues to drink, she will die. That doesn't stop her. Even the rehab she goes to 3 times in that year, she always puts in 3-5 days and then leaves. Lately, she is really blown up, yellow, her hair is stark white, she calls into work "sick" 4 days per week. She shakes violently. Everyone knows what her problem is and they all shake their heads and "tsk, tsk" behind her back. I've been watching this, joining in with everyone and their pity, knowing all along that I have the same dirty little secret, it's just still a secret with me. I can physically feel her pain because I know it all too well. And having gone through the death of an alcoholic with my father, I can see it in her. I know that if she does not get professional help, there is no healing for her. She is past the point of trying to detox on her own and after leaving her rehab several times, she would have to be committed and forced to stay in one. I don't even know if that would have helped.

Tuesday morning I get THE phone call that she has been found dead. No one knows yet what the circumstances are for sure but I can assure you, alcohol will be the underlying issue whatever it is. All I can say is that she is at peace, finally, out of the daily and constant HELL that has held her in it's grasp. I cannot fathom that death is the only way to gain peace, for she or my father but it's true. The daily life they led was excrutiating for them. She was only 52.

I can say that in her death, she saved a life and that life is mine.

I actually quit drinking 38 days ago, 35 days before her death. But it was the spiral and HELL that I saw her living that made me realize that if I didn't shape up, she was my future. I wanted to nip it in the bud before my own death. I fortunately didn't have to have my secret exposed, I now get to do that in my own time and with my own words.

RIP my friend.

[K9Lover]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit,
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Wow...sometimes we all need to be reminded of what alcohol can really do to us...it takes everything.

Congratulations on day 38...you are doing awesome!

Stay on the AB pills as long as you need to. I have been on it for over a year solid and I still have no plans to quit. It's a tool I may need to use indefinitely....who knows, who cares...it works!

Love,
K9

[pixie]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit

My condolences on the loss of your friend. Thank you for sharing, we all need this reminder.

[paulywogg]

Not exciting, but still My Life

overit,so sorry about your friend,but you are right alcohol is a killer its too bad your poor friend couldnt beat it,im glad you are going so strong,again im sorry

[RunningCourage]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit, that is such a real shame about your friend.

You wrote that post so eloquently, so poignantly, and it really gets to the point quickly in illustrating how fatal AL can be.

YOU are doing so well - and this is great to see.

RC

[patrice]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit, thanks for posting that and in all its detail...I'm glad your friend is at rest now

Reading this story guarantees my resolve to stay AF and enjoy another day

Thanks
Patrice

[beherenow]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Thanks for sharing your friend's unfortunate story, overit.

This is an eye-opener for all of us to realize that alcohol is nothing but poison for us. Most of us, if we look back at our own lives, can clearly trace a downward spiral from the time we were unfortunately introduced to alcohol.

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

So, here it is, day 92! Can't believe I'm posting that number. Just to get through a certain day of the week before was torture. Now, nothing.
So, mid February there was a scare with my mom, I began planning my fall from grace. 1-Who could blame me? 2-Who would have to know? I was going to be traveling by myself and staying at her house by myself, for a whole week! But, then I would have to come back and report here. But, everyone would be so kind and forgiving and uplifting, etc. BLAH! So, I hurried up and popped an AB quickly so I couldn't fall. Then halfway through the week and clean up of her house, I thought whew, there's no way I would have accomplished what I did had I started drinking at 10AM or 2PM or had a hangover. She even had my favorite drink in the house and it never phased me.
Now, on day 89, my favorite Aunt passed away after sitting at her bedside for days. Again, thoughts of my planned fall from grace came racing through my head but just as fast, left. I didn't want those moments to be clouded or fogged by AL. My cousin who was here spent ALOT of time justifying her AL use to me, or to herself I guess. I'm not really comfortable with the conversation only because I feel like she is doing all that talking becasue she feels like I'm judging her, which I'm not. I truly, 100% don't give a hoot.
I have not been in a bar atmosphere but I do purchase beer for my husband and don't think twice about it.
The constant thoughts of AL are not there. Hardly ever. I've just retrained my brain I guess. Really. They have been replaced with thoughts of chocolate. I do everyonce in awhile wonder if I'll ever have "just one" shot but what in the world would that do for me? Nothing. I wouldn't get a buzz, so I would want one more, etc. Then I would have to do all of this again AND lose my quit date of 12/12/12. I just don't go there.

I think this has become my new norm.

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Day 99

I thought that winter would be hard for me. Dark cold days with nothing to do but drink right? UGH! This weekend was hard. The thoughts ran through my head like crazy. At one point my husband was going to the store and I thought, ya, I can sip a shot and he'll never know. Or, I can have a drink, he doesn't understand why I quit anyway. (of course again, what would only 1 sip get me? It would break down my resolve, I wouldn't get a buzz but would convince myself that since I blew my quit I might as well get hammered, and then it starts all over again, AND I would lose the respect that my husband has for me for stickign to this) or, I can lie on MWO on Monday, no one will know. This was while we were working in the yard. Then on Sunday it was the quad ride where I would be in the ice chest every 15 minutes for another shot. What about when we go camping this summer? When someone gets 7 days they say "congrats, you've now been through all 7 days of the week and now know what to do to get through those Fridays, and Tuesday bowling" etc. I can't wait until it's been a year and I've conquered each day of each month of each season, so I know how to handle the situations.

Someone mentioned this today and it is really what I feel like right now:
The ?pink cloud? is best described as a period of time where the addict or alcoholic experiences a reprieve from the struggles associated with early recovery. These struggles are generally associated with the feelings of depression, anger, resentment, self pity and the realization of where their drug addiction or alcoholism has taken them.

Upon experiencing this phenomenon for the first time, the addict or alcoholic is understandably excited. They begin to believe they now ?hold the key? to their recovery. This is where the seed for relapse is planted. They begin to believe more in themselves than in the process they have been following. Without the pain as a daily reminder, they tend to forget about what it took for them to embrace recovery. Denial rears its ugly head and they minimize how devastating their drug addiction and alcoholism really was and that they have a disease of drug addiction and alcoholism that requires attention on a daily basis. Relapse prevention becomes an afterthought as the person becomes defiant and rebellious regarding suggestions contrary to their desires. Without resorting to drugs or alcohol, the individual in recovery is one step away from relapse. Remember, relapse is not an event, it is a process.

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Things to remember

Since this last week was the July 4th week and party central where I live, I am remembering a few things that are important to my sobriety.
1) I feel physically awesome. I can join in the fun or an event at the drop of a hat because I am feeling terrific, I am not dehydrated, hung over, etc.
2) You really do make bad food decisions when you drink. You are lazy, don't cook, snack, etc.
3)Puking, UGH! and then the thoughts of "I'll never drink again" only to do it again later that day after you've recovered.
4) I love waking up, enjoying the cool early mornings, exercising, loving life while others are rolling out of bed, gulping coffee, roughed up, groaning, wasting the precious day away and waiting until the clock gets to the hour that it is socially acceptable to have a drink.
5) I remember to take care of my face and skin properly before going to bed. Otherwise, I wake up dry, itchy, black eyes, etc.
6) I love remembering the events of the evening before. Life really does go on after 7 o'clock at night.
7) How pitiful it was to drink the small (or so I thought) amount I allowed myself only to then hunt through the cabinets trying to find anything to boost my buzz and then being grouchy because I couldn't find anything and realizing I'm too drunk to drive myself to go get more.

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

So, here it is, almost 1 year after my GLORIOUS quit........and I'm nursing a hangover. It sucks. I've heard it mentioned that it gets easier to blow a quit because you already did it once, twice whatever so it's not a surprise now and that each quit gets worse. And so it is. This is day 3 and I'm just now starting to feel a little normal. Last year, I felt great, this year, I feel bruised and sore and broken and slow and shaky and sweaty and just like I need to crawl in a hole for a few days. I truly feel like I have the flu, and it sucks. But, each day will get better. I just have to figure out what I want, what my goals are. FOREVER sounds so long and boring.

Back on my Antabuse and my DR has said she will give another prescription. She doesn't know that I started drinking again.

Since I am feeling a little better, I started thinking OK, just 1 drink, I'm not THAT bad, right? Oh, that didn't take long, did it? So, first thing this AM I popped that pill and now I don't have to think about it again until tomorrow.

"Just get through THIS day" per Byrdlady.

[Pavati]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Overit--

I started lurking last January and followed your story as I contemplated my own sobriety. Your posts helped me keep my connection for this site and I was sad when I finally joined a month ago that you weren't here. I'm glad you're back. When you're ready, I'd love to hear what happened (so I can avoid it). I kept your pink cloud post for future reference, and think about it a lot. Thanks for your help - we're in this together.

[Overit44]

Not exciting, but still My Life

Today is a new day

OK, want to post this while the pain in still fresh in my mind.
Day 1-SUCKED! I was so sick to my stomach, really just dragged myself around all day, 7-up and crackers, really wanted to hide under covers all day but had to work. I'm freezing one minute, sweating the next, clammy, ugh and can't sleep.
Day 2-SUCKED! Around noon I thought I was coming out of the cloud but still a little sick to my stomach. Of course feeling better made me think "OK, maybe I could have just a few belts and get a little buzz. I will help with sleep right?"
Day 3-sucked. Still have the sweats/freezing issue. Sleep was a little better. Instead of wanting to throw up today, it's coming out the other end. This too shall pass.
Day 4-slept good last night and finally felt like I might be feeling good this AM. I got in a kick ass work out at the gym and didn't feel like I was dying, literally with the heart rate and the clamminess and sweating. Then I had an argument with myself that maybe waiting until 1/1 to stop would be good because then I could always remember my quit date (?) and I'm not really THAT bad, I can just try and control it until then. I'm not sure who I was arguing with because just before that, at the gym this AM I was talking to one of my selves and said "Yes, I'm an alcoholic. I can live the rest of my life without a drink. I'm also a mother but I won't have to change my child's diaper again ever in my whole life. Does that make me sad or dread the days ahead? ah....no." So I hurried and took an AB pill so the argument, for today at least, is over. And it's only the 5th....I've got goals for this month, I can't wait until 1/1 to quit, I've got to do it now.

I just have to get through THIS day.