Not exciting, but still My Life

[Overit-still]

Back again!

My first quit was 12/12/12. And Here I am on day 3.....again. I relate to everything you guys are saying which is what everyone else has been saying since the first day I was here. And I honestly have to say that if I'm really honest, each one of my oops! was planned, maybe for only a few minutes, but I thought about it, knew what to do about it, and chose not to. I planned it.

[DarrylC24]

Everybody has issues. Yet not everyone drinks. Re-read it until it begins to sound silly.

I agree. Drinking is not only the option when having issues, but it always become the issue.

[Overit-still]

Slinking back again! I can't believe I keep doing this. It really is crazy. And now I'm wondering if drinking is really starting to affect my mental stability. I have major rage issues and I feel good about making my husband feel bad. Isn't that crazy? He's the love of my life but I want him to hurt. And I've made him hurt. I've hurt him so bad I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. He left this weekend because I told him we needed to make changes but then when he's gone, I miss him so much. It's like a game that I play with myself, in my head. WOW! I'm so messed up!

[Overit-still]

As posted in the Newbies Nest today:

Good morning! It's amazing what a new day can bring. My husband returned home last night. We didn't discuss my drinking because of course he drinks and doesn't see my drinking as a problem. But, we DID discuss how much we love each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make our home a happy place again and enjoy and look forward to each other's company. I accepted my responsibility for my bad behavior, terrible disrespect to him, and poor attitude overall. We are both just ready to move forward and for me that includes admitting that I can NEVER go back to the bottle. Never. Not at 30 days or 7 months or 1 year! Ever. I am now just someone who chooses not to drink, thank you very much. I will never have this licked (my father relapsed after 9 year sober and that relapse eventually cost him his life) but I just choose not to dwell on what I'm missing but instead on what I am gaining, daily.

Thank you to everyone for your support yesterday. And I REALLY appreciate LAV calling me out on my depression. I knew that was part of my problem but I didn't realize that it was so evident. Thank you.

So, here's to today.

[Overit-still]

I like the thought of "flouncing" in my head at different AL situations.

My definition of flounce is a little bit different than the dictionary. It must be the bag definition. Of course it is an "exaggerated action, typically intended to express one's high and lofty attitude, a swinging of the what the good Lord gave me, and flipping of the fiery red hair as I stride away on my high horse giving AL the bird."

[Overit-still]

By the way, I'm doing great. I read last week about "Rational Recovery" and although some of the thoughts were a little extreme, what I most liked was just the thinking of "say you don't drink anymore and just don't do it. GET OVER IT!" So, that's what I'm doing. I did this with smoking although I didn't know what it was called but I remember one day after I had quit I was out shopping and the thought went through my brain like those tickers that said "man, I could really use a break and go smoke a cigarette right now." But just as suddenly as that thought went through my mind, I told myself "Hey, I just don't do that anymore." and immediately the thought and the desire left. poof! Just like that. I just shut it down and sent it packing.

Same with my drinking. I just don't do that anymore.

[Overit-still]

As posted in the Newbie's Nest:

Leaving loopholes and lying brains.....boy howdy. I thought about this this AM as I was taking my vitamins and my "little white angel." Just last weekend I took my vitamins in the AM but told myself I would wait to take that days 1/2 antabuse until later, when the cravings crept up. Then of course as the day goes on my AV starts talking to me and telling me that, well, maybe, since I haven't taken the pill today, I might enjoy JUST ONE MORE night of relaxation and have a few cocktails. Since I left my pill at home, I can't just grab it and swallow fast before my AL brain figures out what I've done, so I might as well stop by the liquor store on the way home, just for a small bottle. Now, of course before the night is over, I've had at least one tantrum, I've gone to another liquor store for another bottle, I pass out not remembering the evening, wake up in the middle of the night for hours, drink some more to make myself sleepy, wake the next morning hung over, shaking, feeling like crap from everything and no sleep. I can't work out because I'm hung over, I have commitments to fulfill, I want to lay on the couch all day and pretend I'm sick so everyone will leave me alone. Usually, half way through the day, after some napping, I start to feel a little more like myself so treat myself to an afternoon of drinking to ward off the dog, and repeat the night before. But this time, I have to wake up feeling like that and ITS MONDAY MORNING! Now what?...................ugh, just the thought of all of that makes me physically sick to my stomach. What a mad mad mad circle I was living in.

This was after my husband packed up and left for 2 days because on Saturday AM when I woke up, he was already mad at me. I threw a tantrum and told him things needed to change (you think?) because we couldn't stand each other (me, throwing a fit of rage, totally out of context) that we couldn't even be in the same house together, so, not playing any games, he left. THANK GOD he came back 2 days later. So stupid. I would lash out in anger and then throw a pity party. So ugly and so sad.

But guess what? No more! I just don't do that anymore

[Overit-still]

As posted in the Newbie's Nest this morning:

Good morning everyone! A GREAT sober non hungover Monday morning. I got up in the night and immediately thought "OMG! This is Monday!" but then I realized, " hey wait, I'm sober, I'm not hungover, no reason to dread this day!" I felt like dancing right there and then at 2:30 AM on my way to the bathroom!

What a GREAT feeling.

Good to see everyone checking in. It kind of feels like we're all out camping and one at a time, we are waking up and poking our heads out of our sleeping bags. LAV and Byrdie are right there with a warm cup of coffee greeting us one at a time to a beautiful morning!

Stay close everyone.

Edited to say that I wish I could underline the statement "What a GREAT feeling." 10 million times! I mean it. I'm so thankful to be starting this Monday not under my usual cloud of sickness, and tiredness, and guilt and shame and remorse and wondering what I said last night that was not nice to my husband and the anxiety of trying to stay sober long enough today to take my pill, and wanting to eat every greasy thing in sight and just wanting to go home and cry because I feel like I'm dying from the flu but knowing I would pick up a bottle at the store first to ward off the horrible feelings but also knowing at about 3:00 I would be bouncing off the walls ready to celebrate because I feel 100% better and then wanting to celebrate that with a bottle.........It just never ends in that sick cycle.

[Overit-still]

Great day today! Well, everyday has been, really. I know, I'm in the bubble. But so be it! Today is day 18. I have no physical desires and the AV only comes along once in awhile. It doesn't matter because I just don't drink anyway. I'm just so thankful to be on this side of recovery. I just can't even put it into words.

[Eloise]

hey Overit-still... glad to see you are at day 18, that is just great!

[Overit-still]

Good morning early nesters!

It's my birthday! ooh ya, it's my birthday! Not really my birthday but IT FEELS LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 30 my friends. And no looking back!

In honor of my special day, I am celebrating and bought myself a treat. http://fighterdiet.com/fitness/store...tion-challenge. I used to be an athlete and since I'm fat from drinking, why not? Now, I'm not doing it to win but to win back my health, my determination and prove to myself that I'm not a washed up drunk. Wish me luck! (anyone else care to join me?)

Have a great day nesters! I will.

[Overit-still]

Hey, just thought I would expound on my comments that I have made as far as not being able to play the scenario out in my mind as to if I drink. What happens when I try and do that is I go right to a vision that I have seen so many times on the show Intervention or shows similar to that. It is me, in a heap, somewhere (I usually imagine me behind a store), alone, scared. I imagine I have black, swollen, sad weepy eyes, bruises on my body, I'm dirty and cold. I'm afraid yet I don't realize anything because I am so out of it. The typical look of a heroine addict strung out. Fortunately, that has never been me but that is the vision that I get every time I "try and go there" Isn't that scary? That's why I say it's just disgusting and repulsive to even think of having a drink. I just can't. I don't know, maybe it's God showing me what I could be if I don't stop. That's my stopping point? Death? There is no difference between me and that person except the next drink.

Anyway, that was a good cheery thought before bed huh?

[Overit-still]

Quote Originally Posted by Pavati View Post

Overit - I know that image well, as I used to sit and drink and watch Intervention, thinking well, I must be ok because I'm nowhere NEAR that bad (glug glug). My image is me in a suffering state as I was my last day of drinking. I can still conjure that horrible feeling so quickly! NEVER will I go back there.
Pav-it's just scary because I see this poor girl, sick and helpless and alone, reach up for me and then she raises her face to look at me, and.......it's me. No bag. I can see her eyes and soiled hair and the emptiness in her/my eyes. brrrr.....gives me goose bumps. I just keep reliving that scene in my head, over and over, daily, reaching up for me and looking at me right in the eyes. No words but at the same time begging for help. And I think, oh, that poor girl is loved SO MUCH by her parents but she is so lost and forgotten and dumped...............

Well, I could just go on and on about this vision that is SO REAL to me.

[Overit-still]

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here I go again! I was overwhelmed at work, thought I had a handle on it, mom is dying 450 miles away, celebrations for new pets and friends, summer camping, stepped away from the Word and my prayer life...........I could go on and on. Nothing new, no excuses. Husband hates me. blah, blah, blah. Here we go again!

5/10/15

[jane27]

You can do it Overit. Some times I forget how bored I became by the redundancy of it all. That was helpful actually. Second came tired of feeling sick all the time. I faked the determination piece by self brain washing, staying busy & avoiding everything I even felt a hint of not wanting to do. Faking it worked and helped me build muscle while at the same time accumulating days. Next I started copying other people and it all came together and built up speed. I conned myself at times! You just need to build of a little strength in your sober legs and massage that daily into NOWAY. Have you ever been relentless about anything? I've been relentless about lots of things including eating cookies, picking at boo boos, and just about anything else one could possibly be OCD about. The trick is finding a way to be relentless about this one thing. Whatever it takes. Rooting for you. Its going to happen you you. It really is.