Another try

[beherenow]

Another try

Thanks Kuya, for the support.

Please note that I am an admirer of your very thoughtful and well argued posts.

Its people like you who are the pillars of strength here at mwo.

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 29

Yesterday was a great evening.

Had played a baminton singles match - the semis of a small, local tournament - against my best friend and longstanding rival. He is a person with far superior racket skills & court sense. For a decade and more, I could never succeed in winning a single game - leave alone a match - against him. Expected the usual right royal thumping from him.

Yesterday was different. I was surprised to win the first game and went on to win a very close-fought match in three games. Was astonished with how jaded and inaccurate he was! It was a match where I gave my best while he couldn't.

After the game he revealed that the previous night, he sat drinking for about three hours. Got sozzled. And that truly diminished his performance the next day.

For once alcohol came to my rescue. Not in any good way but by weakening my opponent.

I now walk into the final which coincidentally might fall on the one month sobriety landmark. So if I do well there, that will be a double bonus.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 31

Must count as a double triumph.

Feels good to have hit my first goal of being alcohol-free for 30 days. As I read my back entries, realise that I started out being disgusted with my stupid drinking ways and first wanted to put a bit of distance between me and alcohol. Although I was not drinking to excess or daily, every time I drank, I felt queasy, guilty and distinctly uncomfortable. I am ending up with terrible hangovers and anxiety. Time to end the madness.

Making a daily entry here has helped me in noticing the gradual change that has happened in my mood & activities. I am again back to being physically active. Presently, I am not having any craves but this feeling of complacency is exactly what I should guard myself against. I can go a number of days without booze and then suddenly I start feeling there is something missing- some element of fun & camaraderie. Then feel that one drink cannot cause any harm. But, it always does.

The second triumph - very minor, very personal, very satisfying - is the winning of the badminton finals- singles- yesterday. This is a very small, annual local amateur tournament which does not even merit mention in the local papers. But been vaguely dreaming of it for the past many years. This time, to fill the evenings vacated by booze, took part in it and finally won it. Yesterday, the match was thoroughly one-sided as my opponent was a young, inexperienced guy. Surprisingly, my skills and stamina were better. There was a bit of a fight in the first game but then he faded away rapidly & gifted the match.

Now I look forward to the second month. I need to set myself a few small, realistic goals which will keep me away from booze. The focus will be on improving my workplace efficiency. There are a few pending projects and my focus has been quite wavering. My distractability is very high, so I aim to work on this issue.

I have a big threat looming ahead this weekend. I shall be out on a sightseeing picnic with a lot of drinking friends where there would be free-flowing booze and food. The whole day. All festivities will be centered around drinking, the more the merrier so to speak. This will be the first real test of my commitment to stay away from alcohol. I need to have a very solid plan to counter this threat.

The whole month, my journaling here has been a largely self-centered activity. There have been a number of well-wishers who have spoken good words of encouragement and have given pertinent advice. Kairos, Kuya, paulywogg,flyaway, runningcourage, Hippyman, cpn1004, K9lover, Kradle123, threedognight have all chipped in from time-to-time with wise words. :thanks:Such feedback has helped me stick to the straight and narrow. Best wishes to all of you here at mwo & I expect to keep the conversation going.

Kairos, great that you too are at the same point in the journey. We started together on the same day, expect that we shall continue forward together.

Did not expect this post to be this lengthy. Thanks to everyone with the patience to go through it. I expect to be posting on a regular basis, documenting my journey forward.

Have a great day all!

[Persephone1]

Another try

Just wanted to send a note of congrats! It's amazing the changes witnessed in just one month! Good for you. Will be pulling for you for sure this weekend! Take good, loving care of you! Reach out to us if things get really rough, k? Be Well. Here's to another day, poison free!

[kuya]

Another try

CONGRATULATIONS ON 30 DAYS !

So well done, quietly and patiently ...... You have my admiration BHN

Now a few words of advice. You mentioned about the venue.... You should do fine as you know the risks.
The problem since you were an intermittent drinker is the sudden urge, combined with the thought 'oh that was easy.....a day off won't hurt'

I did that last year.....I had nine weeks sober, my first quit completely alone and I stupidly gave myself 'a day off'.

That 'day' lasted NINE MONTHS ..... And quitting a second time was much harder.

Another aspect I observe here is that men quit a lot easier than women ....... Initially. Women seem to flap about, 3 days, 5 days, 3 days, 7 days etc ......then after a lot of heartache they get there.....like a difficult labour.

Men jump in, GET SOBER.....no problem, sorted, what's all the fuss about? Then at 4-8 weeks they fall on their arses and REALLY struggle to get back up.....often disappearing.

As yet I can't figure out why.....maybe the sober men here can tell us.

Anyway ....long story short.....watch your arse !

[ThreeDogNight]

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Congratulations, BHN!!! So very happy for you on both accomplishments!!!
:lTDN

[beherenow]

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Thanks for your words, TDN.

Thanks for you too Kuya. I am not sure about the 'gender bias' for alcohol cravings. For me, it is true that I am able to stay away for extended periods of time without too much discomfort and craving. But, especially when everything is going well, all of a sudden, I start drinking and nowadays, the drinking experience is uniformly being horrible for me. The hangovers, the anxiety, the sleep disturbances - all of these put me in a very negative frame of mind.

[kuya]

Another try

beherenow;1454287 wrote: Thanks for your words, TDN.

Thanks for you too Kuya. I am not sure about the 'gender bias' for alcohol cravings. For me, it is true that I am able to stay away for extended periods of time without too much discomfort and craving. But, especially when everything is going well, all of a sudden, I start drinking and nowadays, the drinking experience is uniformly being horrible for me. The hangovers, the anxiety, the sleep disturbances - all of these put me in a very negative frame of mind.

Perhaps, while you are sober, you can remember the thought process or event that precedes the relapse. These triggers have gotta be found now, like buried landlines that need disarming.

My only triggers, so far, are hunger and heightened pleasure. Anger doesn't do it, nor sadness, but an event of joy makes me want booze.
I have managed to tame them thus far.

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 34

kuya;1455443 wrote: Perhaps, while you are sober, you can remember the thought process or event that precedes the relapse. These triggers have gotta be found now, like buried landlines that need disarming.

My only triggers, so far, are hunger and heightened pleasure. Anger doesn't do it, nor sadness, but an event of joy makes me want booze.
I have managed to tame them thus far.

Nice analogy, kuya. And that is the truth I need to unearth. The major purpose for my posting here is to find those triggers.

Till date, I have been comfortable in my sober skin with not too many triggers. Yet when I sound so confident when I post, why does a time come when I forget all the effort, the preparation to be sober and push myself into a downward spiral by taking the first drink? What makes me vulnerable to the first drink? Do I succumb to the lure of the first drink because of the perceived pleasure? Low self-esteem? Boredom?Lack of character?

Subconsciously I seem to be waiting for such a moment now, the moment before the fall, to document what exactly makes me get into this self-destruction. To understand myself better.

If this sounds like I am setting myself up for a fall, it is not so. Writing out my story here for more that a month, I see that there has been few moments of danger. Paradoxically, exactly at those moments before the fall, I will not be here to write my thoughts down. Oh, looks like I am getting too complicated today. I only hope this regular posting helps me in understanding myself better.

Have a great day all!

[kuya]

Another try

Since you have a good degree of self awareness I am going to suggest a trick that worked for me.
It may not be useful and does not 'fit' with the ethos of saying NO to cravings but......worth a try.

It is based on the premise that the primitive, addicted part of your brain has no concept of time. IT wants to drink, forms an urge which becomes overwhelming.

When I had a thought like that I would PROMISE the urge that I WOULD DEFINITELY drink tomorrow, even down to planning in detail. What then happened is that even if the thought remained all evening it was ALWAYS gone the next day. I would feel fine and jubilant that I had outwitted the urge.

Might help

[Siren136]

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This is akin to a trick I use when dieting and I REALLY want the Doritos or Chips but can't afford to eat them because I also REALLY wanted to lose weight. I tell myself that they're not going to stop making them - I can have them later. Not now, but later.

When an AL craving hits now, I come on here and read and post and if I can't get here then I just try to delay the drink for 10 minutes, then another 10 minutes and I try to get busy so that I can't get it right then and thus wait out the urge to drink.

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 36

Kuya & siren136! Both of you have suggested different ways to delay gratification. I will hopefully remember this suggestion when the urge hits me.

Yesterday was a minor success. Was invited to an office farewell party where there was booze flowing. I opted for a couple of glasses of fruit juice and then switched to bottled water. Being sober, I could be more fully present during the farewell speeches and also keep sensible conversation going. Am happy about it as I would be facing these sort of parties on a fairly regular basis. Each time I succeed in remaining Al-free on such occasions, a part of my triggers will be weakened and extinguished.

I might slowly reduce the frequency of my posting on this thread as the urge to post is also diminishing. Right now, I seem to be at a stable emotional point.

Have a great day all!

[Kairos]

Another try

Don't get too stable! I miss ya!
I think we are quite alike.
I too forget all the effort that it took to get ready to be sober again-sometimes months of soul searching, guilt, repeated talkings to myself, waiting for the 'right moment' etc etc. It all goes right out of my head one day and I'm back on the road to nowhere. The number of times I have self-sabbotaged in the past through a little 'boredom' or just needing a little 'buzz' for the sake of variety, I can't tell ya.
However this time feels different. I think I finally get it.
I can't be healthy (mentally, physically or spritually) and be drinking. It's that simple.
Hope to see you back soon BHN
Kairos.

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 43

Hi everyone,

I am doing okay and going strong and sober.

Kairos;1459163 wrote: Don't get too stable! I miss ya!
I think we are quite alike.
I too forget all the effort that it took to get ready to be sober again-sometimes months of soul searching, guilt, repeated talkings to myself, waiting for the 'right moment' etc etc. It all goes right out of my head one day and I'm back on the road to nowhere. The number of times I have self-sabbotaged in the past through a little 'boredom' or just needing a little 'buzz' for the sake of variety, I can't tell ya.However this time feels different. I think I finally get it.
I can't be healthy (mentally, physically or spritually) and be drinking. It's that simple.
Hope to see you back soon BHN
Kairos.

Kairos,

The self-sabotage is what I am trying to really guard against this time. The craving for that 'buzz' is what gets me in trouble everytime. Funnily, there is no actual 'buzz' now after all these years; only a memory of it from my younger days.

Been a full week since I last posted. Been a good week, a productive week.

Had my close encounters with the AL-beast thrice this week. Twice, when I had one-on-one sessions with a close friend. During my younger days, had shared a number of booze episodes with him but this time, told him that I am not drinking and he kind of respected my decision.

The third time was an office party where booze was flowing for a couple of hours. Had quite some difficulty in extricating myself out of the situation, but did not succumb. Actually, did not feel any sort of urge to drink.

With time, my mind seems to become a bit clearer now as my sobriety progresses. Throughout my life, alcohol has been a bad influence. It stole a lot of my time, energy and discipline. I regret the day I first turned to drink because I have only seen a downward spiral in my engagement with life since then. But, hard lessons need to be learnt. Life is a growth school.

This week too, I resolve to stay alcohol-free.

Have a great day and sober week all!
:l

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 54

Posting after 11 days - the longest break from posting since starting this journey.

Glad to report that I am continuing in my sober way. There have been no major threats to derail sobriety in the last ten days.

Posting here has given me good clarity. I don't drink at home and the danger zones are the office parties and the meet-ups with my boozing friends. Those are the events for which I should be adequately prepared.

There is a low level of anxiety and depression that seems to be hovering in my emotional background. Maybe I should not attribute this to quitting booze. Staying away from drink is bringing forward my emotional ups-and-downs far more clearly and I need to work on confronting them with equanimity. I have not been exercising for the past one month which is surely contributing to my low spirits.

But these issues are not major and I need to get my sense of daily discipline back. Plan to start a morning exercise routine from tomorrow.

Am reminded of the perceptive observation by Kuya a while back
"
Men jump in, GET SOBER.....no problem, sorted, what's all the fuss about? Then at 4-8 weeks they fall on their arses and REALLY struggle to get back up.....often disappearing.
"
At about eight weeks into my sobriety, I should be extra cautious about not letting any complacency creep in. Plan to continue posting from time to time as I long as I remain sober. And shall definitely post if I find any lurking threats to my sobriety.

Wish all friends a great day.