Another try

[beherenow]

Another try

Day 65

Feels good. Being alcohol-free for more than two months. A small sense of contentment. Of keeping promises to myself. Of not indulging in the destructive dance that was draining my life energy.

For the past few months before quitting, every single time I drank, I was assailed by guilt...panic...and a sense of desolation. The drinking wasn't giving me any pleasure whatsoever; it was always tying me down to the lower levels of my consciousness.

All my posts are reminders to my future self. Efforts to etch the reasons for my quit into the deepest recesses of my mind.

Many friends far more articulate than me have documented (and are continuing to document) their trials, tribulations and triumphs here at mwo. But my voice here on this thread is very personal to me. These are notes to myself. Notes trying to capture the swirling stream of fuzzy change in momentary snapshots. Change hopefully from being an alcohol-dependent, growth-arrested, defeated soul to a forward-looking, spirit-enhanced, fully-functioning, contributing member of the universe.

The climb up this mountain has just started. Each month of sobriety probably will move me further along bringing me closer to the base camp. To finally scale the summit of personal growth. Right now, I feel that a lot more needs to be achieved.

I am essentially still taking it one day at a time. Focussing on remaining alcohol-free for the day. Hopefully, these days will string together to weeks...and then months...and so on.

Gazelle-like focus on sobriety. That is what I need to train myself for. Every sober day is a training session.

Best wishes to all

[beherenow]

Another try

Back again

Of course, I have to be back again. Months and years rolling by but I keep sliding back to my old ways. Not that I am out of control, but drinking on and off. Never happy, never comfortable when I drink. Getting on age, and the fun element is totally lost.

Today felt like making a visit. Have not come here with a firm mind, just am not sure whether I want to drink or not.

Last year, was sober for the first five months but then again, started drinking for fun- on and off. It has continued, may be averaging once a week or so.

Let me just observe where my thoughts & actions will lead me to. I have just been putting up markers of the progress of time for the past six years now. This post too is one.

[lead366]

Another try

Hi:

You're just like me. Cant make up my fricken mind......Sometimes I miss it...other times Im so happy to be AF. Who knows???

[beherenow]

Another try

lead366;1644145 wrote: Hi:

You're just like me. Cant make up my fricken mind......Sometimes I miss it...other times Im so happy to be AF. Who knows???

Yes lead!

I am constantly in a dilemma - stay away from booze for substantial periods of time but find the fun part of life missing, so start drinking again. Having friends who are also committed drinkers doesn't help. But let me see how things pan out from here....

[free at last]

Another try

Hi Beherenow,
Great to have you back, and to read of your progress last year. I, too, have had a struggle coming to terms with "forever." I can go weeks without any temptation and then I will choose to have some wine with dinner or friends. Not to the point of excess but I just don't feel as good as when I am completely AF.

I've committed to making the next 108 days AF (it's a yoga thing, 108 beads on a mala, etc). It's on the holistic health thread. Also, there is a group working on an AF April. Think about joining us for whatever time works best for you.