A DAY IN THE LIFE OF....
I go to sleep, more often than not in a semi-comatose state. Before my God-given rest can reach the R.E.M. stage, I awaken, sweating or shivering, not knowing what woke me up... Tossing, turning, and then the realisation: I did it again! But, exactly what did I do?!?! Did I argue with my kids? Did I make phone calls that I will have to apologise for sometime, or do I just pretend it never happened, and witness how my circle of friends shrinks like an exposed oyster?
I wake up... Panic, guilt, fear, remorse, feeling more second-hand than the junkie prostitute on Walletjes street... What did we eat last night? How much did I actually drink, best to go check the bottle... Or not... Why are they looking at me this way... The list is long...
And the only remedy, is to have another drink...
I was willing to say sorry, at times not being sure what for... And there was little or no honesty in those apologies, 100% remorse and guilt driven.
My name is Solitaire, and I am an alcoholic.
My 13 year old daughter asked me yesterday at what age did I start drinking. Thanks to the AA program, I now have new terminology, and I started trying to trace when I started drinking ?alcoholically?. I got drunk for the 1st time the year I started studying. My mom is an alcoholic, as is my brother, so booze was as common in my childhood as Zinc tablets were in the 70's. I hear in some shares and I read in my Big Book that some people recall the occasion or date of their 1st drunk, but in my case I just did what all 1st year students do, we partied! But this is where the normality ends, and my drinking career takes off:
?But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drink*ing career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.? BB P. 25
How many times have I heard and read stories about becoming bigger, better, prettier, stronger, wittier, brighter, sexier, etc. in that booze cloud where life eventually makes sense to you? I now know, that it only made sense to me... That was 28 years ago...
A bit about me:
I have never been able to see my own beauty, gifts, talents or strength. I have incredible qualities, and yet, I always felt that I fall short on all of Life's requirements. People would talk to me about my potential, to the point where it became a swear word! Could they not see that I was a nothing and a nobody? That all this ?potential? was a farce, fumed and maintained by vodka? And so the show goes on....
The essence of me resembles that of a good social worker, however, I tried to adopt the persona of a Margaret Thatcher. With every fake thought and action, the lies and dishonesty, I slammed the door shut in the Face of the God of my understanding, time and time again...
I met my husband-to-be at the age of 23, moved in together, lived together for 5 years, and married him at 28.
I grew up in a religious family, father and uncles were preachers, but decided to seriously complicate my life by choosing a life partner who is Eastern European, Catholic, and speaking a foreign language! But through him, I met my next lover: VODKA! And that relationship grew stronger than any other I ever had. Many years ago, whilst chatting to a friend, she told me that her mom is an alcoholic, and that at the age of 12, she knew that if her mom had to choose between the full bottle of Gin or her own child, that the bottle would win. I thank my God, that I was never put before that choice!
We soon started a family, and I had 3 kids in 5 years, all healthy by the Grace of my God. I took to motherhood in a big way because for the 1st time in my life, I knew nobody could be a better mom for this small human being in my arms and at my breast. Something came naturally, at last! Now, I wish my story could end here, with a ?lived happily ever after?, but that was not meant to be...
For the next 8 years I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. I drank, but I don't recall any fall-face-down sessions, they came later. I met a drinking partner of note in 2001. That is also the year my 1st born went to Grade 1. I recall, having ?lunch? with her early that year, and asking a stranger to take my son home! Off course I told a lie about car trouble or whatever... NOTHING could come between my glass and myself! From there it was downhill.
I am clever! Or cunning rather... I found it rather easy to arrange my life around my drinking: someone popping in for a glass after work, a supper for that single friend, meeting for drinks, because my friend ?needs to talk?, and of course hosting parties at home.
?Welcome to the house of fun ? Madness ? 1992?.
Someone near and dear to me said once that he can't believe that I still get up in the mornings, that he thinks I have a liver of steel, and that he admires me at times... All of this was sarcasm of course. I would always be the last to leave the table, but most of the night's memories would be in File 13, and I had no access to that file the morning after...
I have photo's of my damaged face, I just could not put my hands out in time, my swollen face because my kidneys got fed-up with me, the letters I wrote during my drunken stupors, many of which I could not decipher the day after... And yet, I still didn't get the message. Often I would promise myself that I am done, go look for help on the Internet, and even worse: promise my kids that I am done. You see? They grew up, and could now see and understand. My stories of ?tummy bug?, or bad headaches did not work anymore...
In 2010, just in time for the Soccer World Cup, I quit drinking for the 1st time in my life. I did so with the aid of MWO. On the 5th of May that year, without planning it, I just stopped. I now know that I was a dry-drunk! I gave up my favourite past time, but nothing else changed within me. I lived with the sense of deprivation. You see, my drinking was the symptom of something within, but I never faced that.
We had guests on the 9th of August, and, why I don't know, I decided to have a glass of Chardonnay. It tasted vile!!!! The very next day I poured a vodka and coke, like the ?good old days?, and the rest is history for many of us.... Insanity took on a new meaning for me...
2011 was a very good year for all liquor stores in my immediate area. You know, I supported them all as I did not want to arouse any suspicion by buying a bottle a day from the same place...
On Valentine's day 2012, I was extremely hung-over, filled to the brim with resentments and self pity, so I quit again. Same story as before... I gave up on that bad idea after 2 months only. I went to Namibia for 10 days, and sad to say, I don't remember much of it...
On Monday the 6th of August 2012, I walked into my 1st AA meeting. I was all bloated, and when I was told that I was the most special person in that room, I released some of that water retention, through my eyes... Somehow I knew, that this was it: I got my Big Book, found a sponsor, and started working the programme with the same zeal as I approached my drinking.
And when I read:
There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self*-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its success*ful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopeless*ness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence, of which we had not even dreamed. BB ? P25
I had a feeling of coming home!!!
And this solution is not a short-cut to how to stop drinking, it envelopes my entire being, and has catapulted me into spiritual growth I never thought possible...
Life is not all fairytale all of a sudden, and yet I have joy! I feel equipped to deal with the world of the worlds, as long as I keep my connection open with my Higher Power, Let Go and Let God!
I have made friends here at MWO, that feel as real to me as the ones I can touch! The love and support I get here is a fundamental part of my recovery! I hope to meet them when I attend the Convention in 2015in Atlanta!
I have laughed more in this short period, than in the previous decade. My kids ask me often what is wrong with me, their mom is happy, and they have never experienced her like this! Sure, I regret and hurt immensely if I think how my drinking affected them, but I am open with them about it, made them part of my AA journey, and I have hope that we are creating memories today that will make the older ones fade in time...
Just for today!
With love,
Solitaire
I go to sleep, more often than not in a semi-comatose state. Before my God-given rest can reach the R.E.M. stage, I awaken, sweating or shivering, not knowing what woke me up... Tossing, turning, and then the realisation: I did it again! But, exactly what did I do?!?! Did I argue with my kids? Did I make phone calls that I will have to apologise for sometime, or do I just pretend it never happened, and witness how my circle of friends shrinks like an exposed oyster?
I wake up... Panic, guilt, fear, remorse, feeling more second-hand than the junkie prostitute on Walletjes street... What did we eat last night? How much did I actually drink, best to go check the bottle... Or not... Why are they looking at me this way... The list is long...
And the only remedy, is to have another drink...
I was willing to say sorry, at times not being sure what for... And there was little or no honesty in those apologies, 100% remorse and guilt driven.
My name is Solitaire, and I am an alcoholic.
My 13 year old daughter asked me yesterday at what age did I start drinking. Thanks to the AA program, I now have new terminology, and I started trying to trace when I started drinking ?alcoholically?. I got drunk for the 1st time the year I started studying. My mom is an alcoholic, as is my brother, so booze was as common in my childhood as Zinc tablets were in the 70's. I hear in some shares and I read in my Big Book that some people recall the occasion or date of their 1st drunk, but in my case I just did what all 1st year students do, we partied! But this is where the normality ends, and my drinking career takes off:
?But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drink*ing career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.? BB P. 25
How many times have I heard and read stories about becoming bigger, better, prettier, stronger, wittier, brighter, sexier, etc. in that booze cloud where life eventually makes sense to you? I now know, that it only made sense to me... That was 28 years ago...
A bit about me:
I have never been able to see my own beauty, gifts, talents or strength. I have incredible qualities, and yet, I always felt that I fall short on all of Life's requirements. People would talk to me about my potential, to the point where it became a swear word! Could they not see that I was a nothing and a nobody? That all this ?potential? was a farce, fumed and maintained by vodka? And so the show goes on....
The essence of me resembles that of a good social worker, however, I tried to adopt the persona of a Margaret Thatcher. With every fake thought and action, the lies and dishonesty, I slammed the door shut in the Face of the God of my understanding, time and time again...
I met my husband-to-be at the age of 23, moved in together, lived together for 5 years, and married him at 28.
I grew up in a religious family, father and uncles were preachers, but decided to seriously complicate my life by choosing a life partner who is Eastern European, Catholic, and speaking a foreign language! But through him, I met my next lover: VODKA! And that relationship grew stronger than any other I ever had. Many years ago, whilst chatting to a friend, she told me that her mom is an alcoholic, and that at the age of 12, she knew that if her mom had to choose between the full bottle of Gin or her own child, that the bottle would win. I thank my God, that I was never put before that choice!
We soon started a family, and I had 3 kids in 5 years, all healthy by the Grace of my God. I took to motherhood in a big way because for the 1st time in my life, I knew nobody could be a better mom for this small human being in my arms and at my breast. Something came naturally, at last! Now, I wish my story could end here, with a ?lived happily ever after?, but that was not meant to be...
For the next 8 years I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. I drank, but I don't recall any fall-face-down sessions, they came later. I met a drinking partner of note in 2001. That is also the year my 1st born went to Grade 1. I recall, having ?lunch? with her early that year, and asking a stranger to take my son home! Off course I told a lie about car trouble or whatever... NOTHING could come between my glass and myself! From there it was downhill.
I am clever! Or cunning rather... I found it rather easy to arrange my life around my drinking: someone popping in for a glass after work, a supper for that single friend, meeting for drinks, because my friend ?needs to talk?, and of course hosting parties at home.
?Welcome to the house of fun ? Madness ? 1992?.
Someone near and dear to me said once that he can't believe that I still get up in the mornings, that he thinks I have a liver of steel, and that he admires me at times... All of this was sarcasm of course. I would always be the last to leave the table, but most of the night's memories would be in File 13, and I had no access to that file the morning after...
I have photo's of my damaged face, I just could not put my hands out in time, my swollen face because my kidneys got fed-up with me, the letters I wrote during my drunken stupors, many of which I could not decipher the day after... And yet, I still didn't get the message. Often I would promise myself that I am done, go look for help on the Internet, and even worse: promise my kids that I am done. You see? They grew up, and could now see and understand. My stories of ?tummy bug?, or bad headaches did not work anymore...
In 2010, just in time for the Soccer World Cup, I quit drinking for the 1st time in my life. I did so with the aid of MWO. On the 5th of May that year, without planning it, I just stopped. I now know that I was a dry-drunk! I gave up my favourite past time, but nothing else changed within me. I lived with the sense of deprivation. You see, my drinking was the symptom of something within, but I never faced that.
We had guests on the 9th of August, and, why I don't know, I decided to have a glass of Chardonnay. It tasted vile!!!! The very next day I poured a vodka and coke, like the ?good old days?, and the rest is history for many of us.... Insanity took on a new meaning for me...
2011 was a very good year for all liquor stores in my immediate area. You know, I supported them all as I did not want to arouse any suspicion by buying a bottle a day from the same place...
On Valentine's day 2012, I was extremely hung-over, filled to the brim with resentments and self pity, so I quit again. Same story as before... I gave up on that bad idea after 2 months only. I went to Namibia for 10 days, and sad to say, I don't remember much of it...
On Monday the 6th of August 2012, I walked into my 1st AA meeting. I was all bloated, and when I was told that I was the most special person in that room, I released some of that water retention, through my eyes... Somehow I knew, that this was it: I got my Big Book, found a sponsor, and started working the programme with the same zeal as I approached my drinking.
And when I read:
There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self*-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its success*ful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopeless*ness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence, of which we had not even dreamed. BB ? P25
I had a feeling of coming home!!!
And this solution is not a short-cut to how to stop drinking, it envelopes my entire being, and has catapulted me into spiritual growth I never thought possible...
Life is not all fairytale all of a sudden, and yet I have joy! I feel equipped to deal with the world of the worlds, as long as I keep my connection open with my Higher Power, Let Go and Let God!
I have made friends here at MWO, that feel as real to me as the ones I can touch! The love and support I get here is a fundamental part of my recovery! I hope to meet them when I attend the Convention in 2015in Atlanta!
I have laughed more in this short period, than in the previous decade. My kids ask me often what is wrong with me, their mom is happy, and they have never experienced her like this! Sure, I regret and hurt immensely if I think how my drinking affected them, but I am open with them about it, made them part of my AA journey, and I have hope that we are creating memories today that will make the older ones fade in time...
Just for today!
With love,
Solitaire
I don't really mean "ending," just the ending to what you wrote. I thank you so much for sharing it; I know it couldn't have been easy, but it means a lot to so many of us to read something so inspiring!
This time 4 SURE! 
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